Betrayed. That was about the only way to describe how Snape had felt when he saw Cassandra with Draco last night. Betrayed.
He was pacing his office, as he seemed to do so often these days, and fuming silently to himself. He had been forced to keep his emotions under lock and key all day while in his obligatory staff meetings, but now that he was alone, he took a furious kind of satisfaction in setting them free.
How could she do that. She and Malfoy, slobbering all over each other like first-years in the broom cupboard. Malfoy isn't even worth her attention - she could have chosen anyone in the school and she chose him. What makes him better than everyone else? It's not his good breeding; he learned that from his father, and Lucius got a Black for a wife. He's nothing like her type, she shouldn't have anything to do with him. Trying to restrain himself from breaking things, he listened as his brain began to accuse his heart for getting him into this mess. I should have let them be. Their actions are their own and I have no right to meddle. But, in another stellar display of ridiculous emotions, I am now entangled in a precarious position, the continuation of which will likely eventually require the disclosure of my true emotions on the topic of Cassandra Renner and both of our expulsions from the school. If this were not in itself enough, should I follow through with my defense of the ridiculous girl, my opponent in this battle is Malfoy. My classmate's son. That's pathetic. We're both pathetic, Malfoy and I.
But she's not.
Snape immediately stopped his pacing, surprised at the defiant response his heart had just sent his brain. Feeling like a spectator to his own emotions, he was even more amazed to find that his heart hadn't finished.
She isn't pathetic. Cassandra. She's worth it. Whatever it takes. Because she's my second chance. She's my second chance, for all the things that could have been once upon a time, and it is unacceptable to let Malfoy walk away with her. That's why I have to have this fight. I already know I feel for her...and I need her. If I can't have this chance to finally live again...I don't know what will happen. I already only have half a will to keep going. Without her, I won't have anything to fight for, and I won't have anything to live for.
Snape's heart fell silent, and his brain took advantage of the lull to attack.
And what exactly do I hope will happen between us? There is nothing that could attract her to me. We have nothing in common beyond residence at this school and horrific childhoods. Many of the barriers between us have been surmounted by others in the past, it's true, but the chance that she could look past the fact that I am a double agent for both the Dark Lord and Dumbledore is nonexistent. There are too many reasons for her to reject me. What is there to make anyone love me? Nothing.
At that, his heart rallied its defense.
There is as of yet no proof that she wouldn't love me. She's very much like Lily, and Lily was my friend when no one else would be. Maybe Cassandra will be the same. And I care for her deeply - this much I know, if I have yet to fully accept it. Does that count for nothing?
We'll see, said his brain. Then it fell silent, conceding the victory.
Snape sat down at his desk, feeling drained after the mental battle. Slowly beginning to understand that this girl was a fixed part of his life now he let his mind wander a bit, and he wondered if she ever thought about him like this. If this ever becomes something serious between us, Snape promised himself, I'll ask her what exactly she thinks of me.
Cassi stood in the girls' bathroom brushing her teeth that night. Hermione and her other roommate were both already asleep, so Cassi had stayed up and tried to read. Not able to concentrate, she had finally decided to get ready for bed. Wearing soft blue pajamas and warm black slippers, Cassi brushed her teeth and looked at herself in the mirror.
What is it that everyone supposedly sees in me? she thought to herself. Why does Hermione say boys notice me? Do they really? Why? Fred and George don't notice me like that. Do they? The boys can't all have noticed me. But which ones have? Is there any way to know? I'm so bad at this.
Cassi finished with her teeth and began to slowly brush through her hair. I guess it doesn't matter which ones have noticed me unless I have someone specific in mind that I want to know about. Which I suppose I do... She stopped brushing. Draco wasn't much of a secret; it was clear to her that he was not her type. The person she truly wanted to know about was someone much different. She was very interested in what he might feel for her - more interested than she thought she should be. She bit her lip, trying to wrap her mind around the fact that she felt something more than friendship. Just admit it to yourself, she thought. Say it out loud. Convince yourself.
Cassi looked at her reflection, hairbrush forgotten, and eventually breathed into the empty room, "I'm...I love Severus Snape." Almost immediately she dropped her brush and flung herself over the counter, head in her hands. Why did I have to fall in love? It's just making everything more complicated. I do want to know what Snape thinks of me. But what could there be for me to find? He's my Potions professor, for crying out loud. What could he possibly feel for anyone, let alone me?
Cassi slowly picked up her brush, set it on the counter, and stared at her reflection. She saw an average-height, average-weight, brown-haired, antisocial, frightened, lonely, abused little girl. Is this what everyone sees when they look at me? She didn't know how the rest of the world judged attractive girls, but her reflection did not fit her own criteria.
Deciding she couldn't solve her problems by staring at herself and feeling pitiful, she gathered up her things and walked to her room. Quietly opening and closing the door, she padded softly to her bed and crawled under the covers. Her eyes beginning to close by themselves, she thought sleepily, If this deal with Snape ever turns into anything serious, I'll ask him what it is that everyone sees.