Chapter 4:

Josh Tendencies

Sam hated how she couldn't cancel the rest of her appointments for that day, but twice in one week wouldn't be very professional. She had people who needed her and to refuse to see them because of her own messed up thoughts was definitely not part of her job description.

However, she almost felt worse sitting with her patients but not even hearing a word they said. But her mind had too many other things to think about. Like…

How it is that Elliot looks identical to Josh? And they're both the same age?

Elliot can't remember anything past ten years ago. Josh disappeared (he DIED, Sam!) about ten years ago.

Is it really…I mean, could it possible…?

He even kinda sounded like Josh when he began his story. Josh used to be lively like that when he told stories…

And something Elliot said…it felt like something I heard before…but what was it?

She was never more relieved than when four o'clock rolled around and her last patient left her office. She somehow turned a forty-five minute drive home into a thirty minute one.

When she walked into the house, she was greeted by Liam. He came out from their bedroom, the tie loose around his neck and the top buttons of her shirt undone. She only eyed him from her peripheral view as she dumped all of her files on the kitchen table, "Rough day?"

"Uh, yeah you could say that," he chuckled falsely and ripped off his tie, rolling it up in his hands.

Sam narrowed her eyes, knowing that she should ask him why he was acting so weird or why his day was so rough, but she couldn't even begin to pretend to care today, "I'm sorry to hear that, but I—."

"You want to go out tonight?" Liam asked suddenly as if regaining his composure, "Let me wine and dine you. Just the two of us. It's been awhile, right?"

"Not…really…" she looked at her briefcase that carried her recorder, "But-raincheck? I have…so many notes to write up and I really want to get it done before the weekend."

He nodded, "Yeah, no problem, Babe. I'm just gonna—hop in the shower then."

She was relieved when he excused himself. She gathered up all the things she needed and went into the "spare bedroom" which she used as her "work lounge" more than anything. It gave her the privacy and quietness that she needed that left Liam free to do whatever he wanted while she concentrated.

She opened Elliot's file, then laid out all her notes surrounding it. She opened her laptop, ready to type in anything she needed at a second's notice. Placing the recorder on the desk with ease, she then took a moment to breathe. In. And out.

"Let's do this, Sam."

She clicked play. Static for a brief moment, then her voice: "Patient Jos—." Sam winced. She still couldn't believe she did that—and right after he corrected her. "Excuse me. Patient Elliot Roth. Age 29, Session 1 on November 3rd, 2024. Hello, Elliot... can you tell me why you cancelled yesterday?"

Five seconds of silence. Then: "Nerves? I guess?"

Sam jumped and clicked it off. Her breathing stopped and when she finally caught herself, the air exiting her lungs were like ice and fire. That…was Josh. His voice. That was him!

No…we already went over this. It's Elliot. Elliot.

She licked her lips and shifted in her seat. This was going to be harder than she thought. Having Elliot sitting in front of her, despite his striking resemblance to Josh, was slightly easier because he was there to remind her that he was, in fact, Elliot. But just hearing his voice…it was like remembering all the times they talked on the phone. Deep and calming.

Sam recalled the time her cat, Dinah, died. Sam was sixteen, but she had Dinah since she was five. The poor pure white cat had been sunbathing on the side of the road when some asshole went out of his way to serve and run her over. Margaret cradled her daughter in her arms for hours, but even after that, Sam wanted to talk to Hannah.

The Washington's had taken a trip to their uncle's house so Sam couldn't ask Hannah to come over. So she called her cell phone, her red eyes already watering again at the thought of having to tell Hannah what happened.

"Hey, Sammy." It was Josh that answered Hannah's phone.

"Hey," Sam tried to say in a normal voice. She took in a wavering breath, "I-is Hann there?"

"Her and Beth are down swimming at the lake right now. Want me to tell her to call you back?"

Sam squeezed her eyes shut tightly, tears rolling down her swollen cheeks. She opened her mouth to respond but only a sob escaped.

"Sam?" Josh's worried tone entered her ear, "Sam, is everything okay? Talk to me."

She hiccupped a few times, her chest heaving as she tried to calm herself, "N-no, D-Din-ah d-died." Her throat closed at every syllable.

"Oh…Sam, I'm so sorry—what happened?"

Sam somehow managed to say what happened through her sobs and she was just so happy that Josh wasn't the type of guy to make fun of her for being this upset over a dead animal. But Josh loved animals as well and knew how much Sam loved that cat. His sisters loved Dinah, too.

Josh ended up talking to her for close to an hour after that, telling her all the funny Dinah stories he remembered: "Dinah was a funny cat, huh? I mean, what cat is terrified of heights? Remember that time she climbed that tree and got too scared to climb down so she ended up pooping out of the tree?"

Despite her sadness, Sam laughed through her tears. Josh somehow remembered every hilarious thing that ever happened with Dinah, whether he was there or Sam told him about it. Even hearing him laugh into the phone helped. He was—perfect. All the way up to the moment Hannah came back and he handed the cell to his sister.

Back to the present. She had to keep listening. Elliot was her patient and she owed it to him to give him a proper evaluation. She pressed play again (but not before pouring herself a glass of wine).

Sam got to session two and her second glass of wine. She had two pages of notes typed up. She was on a roll.

"Patient Elliot Roth, Age 29, Session 2 on November 4th, 2024."

She took a small sip of wine as she listened to their short conversation about oceans and best friends. She typed up some notes, falling under the spell of Elliot's soothing, if not sometimes monotone, voice.

"I like your eyes. They make you—unique."

Sam smiled at her words. God, she missed his eyes…

"And that's what eeeveryone longs to be, right?" A long pause. "Samantha Jensen…you look exactly the way I pictured you."

She froze. She stopped the recording, cutting herself off before she could speak. She rewound the tape for two seconds then pressed play.

"—longs to be, right? …Samantha Jensen…you look exactly the way I pictured you."

She swallowed hard, pressing rewind again. She pressed the recorder up to her ear.

"Samantha Jensen…you look exactly the way I pictured you."

Rewind.

"Samantha Jensen…"

Stop.

No…no, no, no…it just…I heard this before…

Rewind.

"Sam—."

Stop.

"Sam?"

She jumped when she heard a voice that wasn't Josh's—or Elliot's.

She spun around to see Liam standing in the doorway, a confused look on his face. He tried to cover it up quickly, "I made dinner. One of your favorites—eggplant lasagna."

"Not now," she spat a bit too harshly but didn't think to apologize. She wanted to keep listening to the recording. She was having the strongest sense of déjà vu—like when you can remember exactly where you were in life when you a hear a song again for the first time in years.

Liam never heard her speak to him like that. He walked into the room, resting a hand on her shoulder, "C'mon…we'll eat while catching up on your show. You haven't watched it in a few weeks so—."

She shook his hand off her shoulder, "I said not now, Liam. I'm busy."

His eyes widened at her vulgarity. He watched on inanely as she continued to rewind and play, rewind and play. He wanted to tell her that she looked insane but didn't think she'd even acknowledge the insult. So instead he just mumbled, "I'll save you a plate," and walked away.

Sam already forgot that Liam had interrupted her. She listened to that small sentence from Elliot for another thirty minutes. The sun that had been shining outside her window had set and she was only sitting in the glow of her laptop screen. She shot back glass after glass of red wine.

"I swear I've heard this be—! Wait!" She didn't know where the idea came from, but she scooted her laptop closer to her and typed in facebook . com. She hadn't been to the social media site for a good six years when it finally started to lose its hype as more involved social media sites took flight. Still, she remembered her old email and password that allowed her to login.

It was weird seeing her profile from 2018. She hardly updated after what happened on Mount Washington, so a lot of her posts were from 2015 and before. She clicked on her uploaded videos linked and scrolled through until she found the one titled "PROM!"

Without even bracing herself, she clicked play and watched the video with wide eyes.

Mike was the one filming this particular video, his voice behind the camera loud and excited, "Look at all these lovely ladies I have hanging on my arms." Hannah, Beth, Emily, Ashley, and Sam all entered the video, the five girls talking excitedly, "There's only so much of me to go around, so you have to share."

Emily rolled her eyes and walked toward her boyfriend, "You can hardly handle me, Mr. Class President."

"Play nice, you guys," Beth warned them with a laugh, all of them knowing Mike and Emily could go from a loving couple to worst enemies in a moment's notice.

Mike moved the camera to Chris who was standing awkwardly by the wall, his fingers fidgeting with his wrist cuffs, "You okay there, buddy?" Mike asked, "You look nervous."

Chris noticed the camera pointed at him and forced a smile as he adjusted his glasses, "Just waiting for Josh. What's taking him so long?"

"Oh, I think—," Hannah started to say until Josh's voice came from off screen.

"Have no fear, the king is here."

Mike moved the camera to Josh who was wearing Joffrey's crown from Game of Thrones with his dark tuxedo. "Dude," Mike started, "You can't wear the crown to prom. You have to get voted king. And sorry to tell ya, but it's not gonna be you."

Josh smirked and waved him off, "We'll see about that." His eyes wandered away from the camera to where all the girls were standing. Sam watched his face suddenly go from joking to awestruck. He caught himself fairly quickly, however, as he walked forward, Mike following him.

"Samantha Jensen…you look exactly the way I pictured you."

Sam, watching, widened her eyes.

Sam on the video, though, simply glowed at his words, her smile wide as she said, "Thanks, Josh..."

She pressed pause despite there only being three seconds left of the video.

"I knew it sounded familiar..."

She played Elliot's recording again. Then the prom video.

Exactly. The. Same.

She placed her elbow on the desk and cradled her forehead in her palm. How was this possible? Could it really be that big of a coincidence? …Was reincarnation real?

"Shut UP!" She yelled at herself, "Even if it was, how would Elliot be twenty-nine already? Makes no sense—but NONE of this makes sense!"

"Sam?"

She jumped when Liam called her name again. She spun around in her chair and looked at him though she could hardly focus.

"Umm…there was an emergency at the office. I was dumb enough to answer my boss's call—I have to go in for a few hours."

Sam blinked, just then realizing how dark it was in the room. She looked at her laptop, realizing that the prom video was paused on her screen. She quickly shut it and stood up so fast she made herself dizzy, "What time is it?"

"It's about 8:30," he told her, his eyes glancing at his Rolex, "Babe, I don't wanna go, I'm sorry…but I should be back by 11. Will you still be up?"

"I…I dunno," she answered. She clenched her eyes shut and rubbed them, "I think I might just shower and go to sleep."

"Okay," he stepped forward and kissed her forehead, his lips lingering longer than what Sam's patience could take at that moment. She pulled her head back. "I'll see you in the morning then."

Sam nodded and watched him go. She felt like she was in a trance. She absently left the room she just spent all evening in, walking to her bedroom and seeing Cee-Cee sleeping at the foot of her bed. The cat barely looked at her. Like a zombie, she undressed and started the shower, stepping under the spray before it even had a chance to warm up.

She stood motionless under the water. "I must be crazy thinking I'm crazier for not believing Elliot is Josh…there's too many similarities now…is…is Elliot even real? Am I only seeing and hearing what I want to hear? But why? Why after all this time would I imagine someone like him? …should I start seeing someone?"

She closed her eyes and pictured Elliot. Or maybe it was Josh. She wished he was there with her. He was the only one that could help her figure out why she felt like she was losing her mind.

More images of prom flashed through her mind. She remembered standing by the punchbowl with Hannah, the two of them laughing and having a great time.

"I have never seen Josh look at anyone like that before," Hannah teased.

Sam tried to hide her blush behind the red plastic cup, "Don't be so dramatic, Hann."

Hannah giggled, "I'm serious, Sam! When are you—." She stopped talking when Mike came up to the two of them, a huge grin lighting up his handsome face.

"Hey, ladies. How's it going?"

Sam watched as Hannah turned shy, so took over for her, "We're having a great time! Where's Em?"

"She went off to gossip with the cheerleader or something," he dismissed then quickly averted his attention to Hannah, "You wanna dance?"

Hannah almost choked on her drink, and Sam quickly took the cup from her and handed her a napkin. She tried to hold back her laughter as Hannah tried to reclaim herself. She rubbed the dark haired girl's bare shoulder, forcing her to meet her eyes. She mouthed "do it" to Hannah before finally seeing the pleased and scared look in her eyes. Hannah nodded at Mike and took his hand when he offered it to her. The love struck girl didn't even glance back at Sam before she disappeared in the crowd.

Sam couldn't stop grinning. Though she knew Mike was still dating Emily, knowing how happy this dance was going to make Hannah was enough to put Sam on her own high. She was glad she was spending the night at Hannah's house so they could stay up all night talking about it.

"Got ditched?"

Sam turned around to see Josh who was munching on peanuts and sipping on punch (at least, she hoped it was punch).

"I had to let her spread her wings and fly," Sam joked, clicking their plastic cups together.

He pretended to sniffle, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and shaking her softly, "Our little girl is growing up so fast."

"Now, now, dear," she patted his chest, "At least we still have each other."

Josh leaned down to her, his lips dangerously close to her ear, "We can always make another."

She laughed but shoved his shoulder, "You can be too much sometimes, Josh," before he could say anything more embarrassing to her, she asked, "And what about Chris and Ashley? Did he ask her to dance yet?"

"What do you think?" He responded dryly and with annoyance, "She's been talking to Beth, Emily and Jessica all night and Chris is being too much of a pussy to go ask her."

"Have you tried encouraging him?" She questioned, her eyes skimming the crowd to see if she could spot either one.

"Of course! Told him to stop being such an asshole casserole and take her to the bone zone."

Sam clicked her tongue at his language, "Maybe you should try telling him that there's like… a zero percent chance that Ashley would turn him down if he asked."

"Ooorrr…maybe we can just show him how it's done?"

"What do you mean?"

Josh took her drink from her and put both of their cups on the table. But he didn't even ask. He just pulled her to him, his hand resting on the small of her back. Sam hardly even cared that he didn't take her to the middle of the dance floor. They stayed off to the side, in their own little space, as the song that was currently playing came to its conclusion.

Sam smiled up at her, "And that's how it's done, Mr. Romantic?"

"We're dancing, right?"

"Everyone's around…no words are coming out. And I can't find my breath, can we just say the rest with no sound…"

In the present, Sam turned off the faucet and wrapped a big white towel around herself. She turned to look at herself in the mirror, but it was clouded from the steam and she could only see a blur of herself.

She went back into the bedroom; Cee-Cee was gone. She suddenly felt very dizzy. Maybe she sat in her dark office for too long. Or maybe the shower she took was too hot. Or maybe her mind just wasn't well.

She laid down on top of the covers in her towel, the soft, cool sheets automatically relaxing her. She closed her eyes. She swore she just blinked, but she must have fallen into a deep sleep and woke up hours later. She looked at her clock, the deep red numbers reading 1:22.

"Sam."

She gasped and looked down to the foot of her bed. It was dark, but she could see him standing there—Josh. His eyes gave him away. They sucked in all the light from the moon outside, and in his stare, he seemed to be granting it to her. He crawled up the length of the bed, and she was so overwhelmed she couldn't even question what he was doing there. She opened her arms and welcomed him.

Her towel must have been kicked off of her—she was completely naked, and feeling Josh's bare skin against her own was like a bliss she never imagined experiencing. And it was like they already knew each other's dance. He slipped inside of her just as easily as he crawled to her, and Sam's sob of joy was released into the air.

She stared into his eyes as he moved above her, her fingers getting lost in his hair. She could feel his hips between her knees, the tips of her toes sliding against his calves, her nails digging into his shoulder.

"Please don't stop Josh…." She murmured in a voice above a whisper, tears stinging her eyes, "Don't ever stop…I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love—."

A loud crash caused her to snap her eyes open and sit up in bed. She shook her head and placed a hand over her heavily beating her heart, "Fuck, it was just a dream? What…what…"

And it was like she could still feel him between her legs and the ghost of his weight on top of her. She clamped her thighs together, trying to get ahold of herself. She looked at her clock. 1:21. Sam jumped when her bedroom door opened and a silhouette came into focus. She squinted her eyes, but the man standing in the doorway spoke first.

"Ah—sorry, hun. I tripped over the cat when I came in…didn't mean to wake up." It was Liam. Liam, not Josh.

"What…what the hell?" Her voice was groggy. She wanted to ask why he was back so late but honestly couldn't find the words for it. She was just…Josh was just—!

He started undressing, "I know, I know. I'm sorry that took so long. Big—crisis, and all that." He climbed into bed, reaching for her, "Mm, are you only in a towel? I never came home to this…kinda like it." He kissed her shoulder, his lips roaming over her skin.

Her body felt like it was on fire. No, no this isn't right! A wave of nausea hit her hard and she only just barely made it back to the bathroom before vomiting her empty stomach.

Sam called Bryana the next morning and told her she was sick and to cancel all her appointments again. She hated doing that two days in the same week, but she really was feeling under the weather that day. It was Friday though, and she only had two appointments scheduled that day. Liam asked her if she wanted him to stay home and take care of her, but she picked up on how he really didn't want to do that, nor did she want it.

Despite how sick she actually felt, she wanted to continue her review of this mysterious Elliot Roth that waltzed into her life and jumbled up everything she thought she had assembled in her life. She brought all her paperwork and records into the bedroom so she could be comfortable all day.

Sam was never one to get distracted by social media, especially when she knew she had work to do, but logging into Facebook again and searching through all of her old pictures and videos was beyond addicting. She was tagged in almost everything.

Before she knew it, Liam was home asking her if she stayed in the same spot all day.

"I was doing research."

"…On your old Facebook page? …I didn't even know you had a Facebook?"

Sam had her name as "Sammy J" on her page so even if Liam had gone looking for her (despite her never using it again even before they met), he wouldn't have found her. Still, she didn't feel like explaining herself, so she mournfully closed her laptop. All of Josh's pictures were on there—she didn't need Liam seeing them.

"You want some of that eggplant lasagna I made last night?" he asked.

She still didn't feel hungry but forced a smile and a nod.

"Great—oh, and BTW, I have to leave on a business trip tonight. We're meeting some clients in New York for the weekend. So we can have dinner—maybe have a little dessert—," the stressed word indicated that he was not talking about food, "then I'll have to call a cab to the airport."

Sam scrunched up her nose, looking at the clock that read 5:42, "Pretty late to leave on a Friday, don't you think?"

Liam shrugged, "It's what the company wanted. I'll go heat dinner up."

She never really cared too much when Liam had to go away on two day business trips, but this time she wondered if he asked to go. She saw the way he looked at her when he got home. Like she was some—obsessed stalker. She needed this weekend to herself. She needed—time.

Sam's eyes shot open when she heard the buzzing, loud and violent thrashing against her mahogany nightstand. She leered at her alarm clock, the red, abrasive numbers read 2:37 am. Phone calls at this time were never good news, and she felt her stomach drop as the phone kept buzzing and buzzing, the bright screen lighting up half the room. She snapped her hand out and grabbed it to silence it; for a moment she'd forgotten that Liam had left hours ago for his flight, so she really had no reason to panic about him being woken up - just her own unease about letting the noise fill the silence and darkness of her room. It was invasive, to say the least.

Pick up the phone or ignore it? Life was all about choices like these.

She read the blindingly bright screen.

Josh.

Although, she was still sane enough to put his 'real' name in her phone as Elliot. Even still, she was blurring the lines between the two of them, afraid that she'd never fully accept him as just her patient and not her long lost... what? Friend? Lover? With all of the memories swimming around in her head lately, she was having a hard time figuring it out anymore.

"Hello?" she whispered hoarsely into the phone, before realizing she had no reason to. She cleared her throat. "Elliot? Are you alright?" she asked. There was a breath on the other line, a bit of a shuffling sound. "Hello?" she said again, this time with snap.

"I didn't expect you to pick up," he said. Sam sat up, flicking on her bedside lamp.

"Yeah, well, maybe you shouldn't have called then," she suggested, rubbing her face with her hand. This was the kind of thing Liam was warning her about, getting too invested. She never should have given him her number... and yet... A little flutter inside her stomach was undeniable. She was excited. Nervous. All those same feelings that Josh gave her when she was young. Exactly the same feelings.

"I was just going to leave a voicemail," he assured. Sam found herself chuckling into her hand and leaning back against her headboard. She brushed her bedhead from her face and gave a sigh.

"What do you need?"

"...I guess I just needed someone to talk to," he said after a moment of silence. Sam swallowed, torn between wanting to stay on the phone with him and wanting to hang up and change her number. This was so unbelievably inappropriate that she slightly feared that this patient might be the end of her career, the end of everything she'd ever worked for.

And yet, for some reason (boredom? Grief? Loneliness?) she was willing to take the risk.

"...And also, I wanted to know what your voicemail says," he added.

"My voicemail?" she repeated. Okay, if she wasn't intrigued before, she definitely took the bite this time. "What about my voicemail?" Another long pause. She wondered what he was doing that seemed to distract him so much. "Hello?"

"Yeah," he said without missing a beat now. "I wanted to know if it was all professional, like, 'Hello, this is Doctor Jensen and I am currently unavailable,' or if it was more cutesey like 'Hiiii! This is Sam, I can't come to the phone right now! But leave a message after the beep and I'll get back to you!" The second way he mocked her voice was almost offensive, with a hint of Valley Girl. She leaned forward, her arm wrapping around her bent knees, mountains under the blanket.

"Okay, first of all, neither of those sound like me and second of all, you called me to hear my voicemail? At 2:30 am?" Her eyes slid to the clock. It was actually 2:41 am now. Either way... she heard him laugh on the other end, slow and deep 'ha. ha. ha's.' A tired laugh. She was surprised he was even trying. She also realized before that moment that she'd never heard him laugh before. It sounded so much like him.

"I guess... yeah. I couldn't sleep until I heard what your voicemail sounded like." Sam felt one side of her mouth raise to a lopsided grin, a gentle shake of her head.

"You do realize this is highly inappropriate, right?" She knew this was highly inappropriate, too. Something inside of her made it hard to care.

"Hey. I won't tell if you don't." His voice was so droning and slow, slightly slurred. She wondered if he'd already taken one of the sleeping pills before he called her. "To be honest, I'm a little flattered you even considered picking up."

"It's kinda part of the job description." No. It really wasn't. She sighed, turning to her side and grabbing onto her pillow to tuck in under her head, stifling a yawn.

"I won't keep you up any longer," he promised. "But…after we hang up, I'm gonna call you back. Just let it go to voicemail." Sam felt her heart skip a beat, literally felt it in her chest before her mouth was saying,

"O-okay..." weakly. She was trying to suppress a grin, but then realized she had no one there to hide it from... besides her own reflection watching onward from the vanity mirror by her bed.

"Goodnight, Jensen," he crooned. Her breath hitched, a sudden flashback of Josh calling her the very same thing. It was either Sammy, Jensen or kid... which she loved the most because it was both big brotherly and possessive, and something about it felt like she was his.

"Goodnight-" There it was again, dancing on the tip of her tongue. She almost slipped and called him Josh. "Elliot." The call ended, a gentle beep in her ear before her screen went back to a call log. She exhaled, wondering if she'd remembered to breathe the entire time she'd been on the phone with him. Sure enough, just as he said he would, his name started flashing across her screen as he called back, the phone gently vibrating in her hand – which was odd considering the first time he'd called it seemed so menacing. The call stopped, and Sam felt like she could relax her body, which had been so tense during their conversation. She hoped that her voicemail was all he'd dreamed it would be as she set her phone down on her nightstand. As she went to click her light off, her phone buzzed one more time, a quick jolt.

One New Voicemail.

Did she dare? Pick up the phone or ignore it? Life was all about choices like these.

She picked her phone back up slowly, hesitantly, as though it may burst into flames. She tapped the voicemail button to hear, and it only took a few seconds before his voice was there, invading her room and her thoughts and her life again. Three deep chuckles, just like before. 'Ha. Ha. Ha'

"You did not disappoint, Dr. Jensen. It was everything I hoped it would be." And somehow...she didn't doubt that.

To Be Continued...