Chapter 8:
Old New Friends
a/n from Mogitz: There have been a lot of amazing songs that have influenced this fic… but if you get a chance, definitely listen to Stars by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals.
Also, WOW thank you SO much for your amazing reviews! Seriously guys, you're the best readers we could ask for. Glad you're enjoying this as much as we are loving to write it.
Sam's hands gripped the steering wheel as she tried to focus on the road. When she'd told Chris that Josh was very much alive, he started to laugh at her. When Sam told him she wasn't joking, he got kinda mad - told her it was all in her head and he said this wasn't funny. Sam explained that he needed to see it to believe it.
So, she invited herself over to his house.
Sam knew that the skeptical part of Chris was just him trying to protect his own heart - and Sam understood. She had spent countless hours since the day she'd seen Josh in the street trying to convince herself that it wasn't him because getting her hopes up and being wrong would have killed her.
But it was him. By some grace of God, Josh was alive and sitting beside her in the passenger seat. Once again she'd managed to convince him to come with her as a controlled social anxiety exercise, and he'd been more than happy to go - Sam had kind of figured he'd want to go. And after the way he was at her mother's the night before, Sam was more determined than ever to help Josh remember who he was.
As she drove the two of them westward toward Santa Monica, Sam couldn't help but let her mind wander, sifting through her millions of fragments of memories she had stored in the deepest parts of her heart. Some were good; smiles and soft touches, whispers in the wee hours of morning when Hannah and Beth were asleep and some obscure movie lit up the movie room as the background noise for Josh and Sam's seemingly endless conversations. Some weren't as sweet. She tried to remember one of the last times she had actually seen Ashley and Chris, aside from the very rare and awkward run ins at a coffee shop or the grocery store.
Then, like the flickering reel of a movie, she remembered as though she was seeing it unfold in the windshield before her.
After Josh's funeral, Sam had tried to keep busy.
"I'm fine."
She'd said it so many times that she almost believed it... but there was no escaping the deep pit of sorrow welling up just under her surface. Until one day while sitting in a psychology lecture Sam simply stood up and walked out, taking an unexpected hiatus from the University and showing up at her mom's house in the middle of the night. Margaret awoke the next morning to find Sam's belongings dumped in a large heap in the living room. She wordlessly walked down the long length of the hallway to find her only child, curled up under the mound of blankets in her childhood bed. Margaret never questioned her, never scolded her for finally realizing that she needed time to mourn.
Her usually happy, plucky daughter stayed in that bed for four days, getting up only to use the bathroom and let her mom know she wasn't hungry. By day five, Margaret began to worry that Sam was going to starve to death. After some gentle coaxing, she finally got her to choke down a protein shake and get into the shower, finally.
Sam didn't even recognize herself when she looked in the mirror - her eyes dull and sunken in, her cheekbones and collarbone more prominent than she'd ever seen them. She suddenly understood why Margaret was so worried; she hated making her mom feel that way... but that fact just made her feel even worse, not being able to heal quicker. If she had any power within her to pull herself from her grief, she would have done anything.
Sam's venture from her bedroom was short-lived before she found herself back in the cocoon she'd fashioned together on her bed.
"Don't you want to give your friends a call? I think you would feel better if you saw them-" Margaret said in hopes that her daughter might actually listen to her. Sam was laying down, her phone in her hand as she listened to Josh's voicemail for the millionth time.
"Hello, if you're hearing this, that means I'm probably trying to avoid you, so don't leave a message, 'cause nobody likes you."
It wasn't the sweetest thing in the world but… it was his voice. And given the fact that she didn't have the courage to watch his videos just yet, it would have to do.
Margaret slowly crossed the room and sat beside her on the bed, gently stroking Sam's air-dried, frizzy blonde hair. She didn't have to look at Margaret's face to know her mother's heart ached for her. She reached for Sam's chin, turning her face to hers. "Sammy, baby… I know you're hurting. I wish I could do something to make it better…" she said with tears in her eyes. She took in ragged breath, choking back a sob. "It's my job to heal people," she said, bowing and shaking her head sadly. "I don't know how to heal a broken heart." Sam's lips parted to comfort her mother, and it felt like she hadn't opened her mouth in years. Her lips were dry, her tongue felt foreign in her own mouth. She couldn't say anything, just reached up and pulled Margaret in for a tight embrace.
"I love you, mom," she whispered.
The next day was when Chris and Ashley showed up. Margaret didn't give Sam any warning - she knew Sam would have refused to see them if she knew they were coming. When they walked in, Sam was curled up on her bed as Stars by Grace Potter played. Sam had it on repeat for days - Margaret knew every word at this point.
"I lit a fire with the love you left behind, It burned bright and crept up the mountainside…I followed your ashes into outer space, I can't look out the window, I can't look at this place."
Sam sat cross-legged, her laptop on her legs as she mindlessly clicked through picture after picture of Josh's Facebook when Chris and Ashley poked their heads into Sam's room. She flinched a bit, slightly embarrassed for them to see her in such a weak state. Sam was supposed to be the strong one, right? The brave one. She'd battled supernatural monsters but couldn't even conquer her own grief.
"Hey stranger," Ashley greeted sweetly, nearing Sam and sitting gingerly on the end of Sam's bed. She tucked her auburn hair behind her ear, apprehensively. "How are you doing?" Sam hated that tone; pity. She knew they only cared, and she still felt so broken and shameful, hiding away like this. She offered Ashley a tiny shrug, but no words would come out of her mouth to answer. I feel like my own life was snuffed out along with his, she wanted to say.
"There's a party tonight," Chris said, his voice suggestive, as though it might be tempting to her. Sam was already forming the 'No' with her lips when Chris cut her off, "You gotta get outta bed, Sam. If Josh were here-"
"But he's not, is he Chris?" Sam replied darkly. Ashley and Chris shared a brief look and Sam knew what they were thinking; that they'd never seen her like this before. Sam had never seen herself like this before either.
"Everyone misses you," Chris added, nearing her slowly. "They want to know where you are…" Sam sighed; there was a part of her deep down inside that wanted to be freed from her angst. She missed them, too. She missed being happy. But here she was, trapped inside the prison of her own misery.
Her ears caught the chorus of her song, still softly playing in the background.
"I can't look at the stars, they make me wonder where you are. Stars, up on heaven's boulevard and if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far. So I… I can't look at the stars."
"Sam, you can't hide away forever," Chris said, his tone becoming a little more stern.
"I know that!" Sam finally snapped. She fell back on her bed as though she had been shot down, pulling a pillow up onto her face. Ashley crawled up the bed, straddling Sam as she yanked the pillow from her.
"We're here because we love you!" She practically shouted, her cheeks pink. Ashley clearly wasn't very used to offering up sympathy. Sam felt the first smile she'd had in what felt like forever creep across her face as her eyes flitted from Chris' face to Ashley's. Although she hadn't realized it right away, she was happy they came. It did feel good to see them. Chris sat beside her, his eyes diverting over to the laptop where a smiling picture of he and Josh was taking up the whole screen. Sam wanted to jump up and close it, but the damage had already been done. Sam watched him swallow hard, before he turned back to her, trying to stay strong.
"Just come, okay? And if you want to go home, we'll take you the second you let us know."
"I think we just passed it," Josh said beside her in the car, snapping her away from her memory. She cleared her throat and nodded, forcing a smile in his direction and once their eyes met, she remembered that those days of grief were truly behind her because he was really here now (no matter what state he was in).
Sam flipped the car around, "Sorry, got distracted," she uttered.
She pulled up to the curb of the huge, Santa Monica home. Chris had put the Washington's hush money to good use - a full ride to MIT to receive his Masters in Computer Science and Technology. With the globalization of a popular app he created, he was able to create his own startup app company, which was doing incredibly well. Needless to say, Chris ended up doing mighty fine, in all aspects of his life. In fact, for a long time Sam held some slight resentment towards him for being capable of going off and living such a fabulous life with that money, but over time grew to realize that people are people and have a right to want to be happy.
They were barely parked there a moment before Chris' door opened and he peered outside. For someone so skeptical, he sure was eager. Sam jumped from her car and ran ahead, greeting Chris with a big hug before Josh could even make it out of the car. "Remember, don't say anything about him being Josh… he doesn't remember us," she whispered quietly. He pulled away and gave her a slight eye roll, which was more big-brotherly than agitated.
"How convenient," he joked with narrowing eyes. But as he turned out to face Josh walking up his path, his smart-ass smile fell instantly and his face went white as though he was seeing a ghost… in a way he was.
Sam glanced at him, a bit of smugness in her face. Chris' jaw fell farther open the closer Josh got, hoodie up and hands smashed into his pockets. Sam had to remind Chris to close his mouth before Josh saw and became totally weirded out - this was a weird enough situation as it was.
"Elliot, this is Chris. Chris, this is Elliot," Sam said, her voice drawing out the sound of his name, both a reminder to herself and Chris not to mess it up tonight. Chris swallowed hard before plastering a big smile on his face, extending his hand out to Josh, who still looked pretty uncomfortable despite the politeness.
"Hi… uh. Elliot. It's nice to meet you," Chris said, and now his smile had shifted from happy to deliriously odd, and Sam could see the confusion on Josh's face. She chuckled as he took Chris' hand awkwardly.
"Nice to meet you too... " If only Josh could remember how inseparable the two had been for most of their young lives: hosting weekend games of Capture the Flag or Ghost in the Graveyard, being the first to initiate water balloon/hose fights, filling Hannah's bed with plastic toy spiders so when she pulled down her covers they flew everywhere… these two had wreaked havoc like none other… and here they were as though they'd never even met. In a way, it was like they hadn't.
Before Sam thought the situation could get any weirder, the front door flew open and a half-naked little four year old with fairy wings went shooting out onto the porch, a sea of giggles, as a very pregnant Ashley lunged forward and caught her by the torso before she stepped off the porch. Josh jumped back out of the way as Ash struggled with the little strawberry blonde with painted red lips.
"Elizabeth Marie Bennet you get back here," Ashley scolded, picking up the kicking, squealing child and trying to wipe her face with wet cloth. Chris turned, dad mode initiated as he leaned down to help aid his wife in the struggle.
"Is that blood?" Chris worried, unable to mask the terror on his face. Ashley let out a quick burst of laughter, finally getting the child to still long enough to wipe her face.
"No, your daughter just got into the popsicles! Before dinner!" Ashley grunted, letting Elizabeth loose, where she ran back into the house laughing maniacally. "Go to your room!" she called out after the demon child. She turned towards them, rubbing her belly and catching her breath.
"How come when she's bad she's my child?" Chris asked, teasingly. Ashley's eyes widened when she finally saw Josh, staring on from beside Sam.
"Whoa," Ashley breathed, her face incapable of ever hiding what she was thinking, always so full of life and expression. "He looks just like him," she whispered, as though Josh were deaf and not just suffering from memory retention. Sam shot Chris a glare, who clearly hadn't briefed Ashely on the fact that they were being inconspicuous about this situation. She looked between Sam and Chris before she put on a smile as well.
"Ashley, this is Elliot," Sam emphasized, and Ashley nodded, her face registering the memo.
"Right, hi, welcome," She greeted, her eyes instantly welling with tears. Sam had no idea what Ashley was thinking - the last time she'd seen Josh was such a horrible experience for her. Sam realized that Ashley hadn't seen Josh since Mike and Chris carried him out to the shed… right after he'd placed her in the second horrible, tormenting situation of that night. Even still, Ashley looked like she might be trying to keep herself from hugging him - Sam wondered if it was the maternal instinct in her now. "I need to go make sure Lizzie isn't into the popsicles again," she said quickly, trying to keep her voice even before she turned and hurried into the house. Sam was certain that Ashley was holding back tears.
"I should probably check on her," Chris said, "come inside guys." He gestured towards the door with his hand and Sam let Josh enter first, tailing back with Chris a little bit.
"You alright?" she said quietly, slowly towards Chris. "Still think it's in my head?" Chris shook his head in a daze, and she wasn't sure which question he was answering.
The house was huge, and it looked like it might have been nicely decorated before, but was now a place that their four year old had laid claim and they were too exhausted to try to take it back. Toys were strewn about in the living room, and crayon marks on their dining room table went from paper to wood in a flash. It was still a lovely, clean house, but just from their entry way, where Lizzie's art was lovingly on display, tacked to the walls in various spots, her little rain boots covered in mud on the floor, and a sticky handprint by the coat rack, Sam could tell just what kind of house this was - a house built on love.
The long hallway opened up to a sitting room with an open kitchen. The TV in the sitting room was blaring some unrecognizable children's cartoon and Lizzie was now jumping from the couch to the ottoman and back again, a mess of hair and limbs, singing the theme song at the top of her lungs. Sam tried to hold back her laughter as she watched Chris attempt to reign the small child in again, Josh leering on in horror. Clearly, Josh was not used to being around kids too often.
"Liz, no jumping," Ashley called out over her shoulder, a bit frazzled as she tended to the various pots cooking on her giant stovetop. Chris scooped Liz up under his arm before plopping her down in a reclining chair and handing her a tablet. She gazed up at Chris with a look of disatisfaction.
"Quiet time?" she asked in a pout, and Sam could see from his exhausted face that this might be his only means of quieting the demon.
"Quiet time," Chris nodded with a sigh, ruffling her hair a bit.
"Again?!" her tiny voice chimed, her bottom lip sticking out in a pout. Sam stifled another chuckle - this kid certainly knew how to work her parents over. Elizabeth's eyes scanned the room at the new faces, as though she hadn't noticed them before. "Who's them?" she asked, pointing her sticky little finger out in a general direction.
"They... are our friends, sweetie. Sam and… Elliot," Chris said, slowing at the end of his sentence as to keep from slipping up. Sam and Chris' eyes met, a mental high-five exchanged between the two of them.
"Sam is a boy's name," the little girl sassed, which was promptly ignored by the rest of them.
"Can I get you guys a drink? I've got..." Chris walked over to the fridge, pulling it open and scanning the contents. "...milk…" he finally said after a moment. He reached into the cooler and pulled out a silver package, extending it out towards them, jokingly. "Capri-sun?" Ashley turned, giggling as she wiped her hands on her kitchen towel.
"The beer and more adult choices are in the garage fridge."
"I don't know anything about this place," Chris sighed in mock disappointment, swinging the fridge door shut. He pointed towards Josh. "Beer?"
"Yeah, that'd be great," Josh nodded, and Sam jumped towards Chris.
"I'll go with you," she offered quickly. She glanced back at a terrified Josh, her hand up towards him as if to tell him to stay. "I'll be right back," she promised before following Chris out into the garage. The door had barely shut behind them before Sam grabbed ahold of Chris' sleeve and started jumping up and down like she was possessed by a 6-year-old. "ItoldyouItoldyouItoldyou!" But when she saw the glistening in Chris' eyes, she stopped, a look of concern washing over her. Chris was trying to keep it together. "Chris are you alright?" He nodded, his face red, before he stopped and shook his head instead.
"It's him," he choked, trying his best to keep from breaking down, but by the time Sam had pulled him in for a hug he'd lost it, a sob erupting from his chest. And he cried. Sam didn't blame him. His best friend he'd mourned for years was essentially back from the dead, and Chris never would have believed it had he not just seen him with his own eyes. "He's here. He's alive."
"I know," Sam whispered, rubbing his back.
"How can he not remember us?" he asked, rubbing his eyes under his glasses. "How is this even possible? We went to his funeral." The brief breakdown passed and Chris reached inside of the garage refrigerator to pull out a few beers. Sam leaned against the garage door.
"I guess… Bob and Melinda sent him to a care facility in Switzerland. He doesn't remember anything before that… probably something that happened in the mines caused him to lose any memories beforehand."
"I wish I could forget what was in those mines," Chris said, sniffing back a residual sob and shaking his head.
"I brought him here because I hoped that being around some of us might trigger something."
"Does it work like that?" Sam folded her arms over her chest and gave an unsure shrug.
"I...I don't know, there aren't too many studies on it as of yet." Chris popped one of the beers open, taking a huge swig before looking around on top of the refrigerator for something. After a little bit of rooting around with his arm, he pulled down a dusty old bottle of rum.
"Might need something a little stronger before I go back in there," he confessed, spinning the lid off the top. He took a swig of that as well, almost retching afterward - it probably didn't help that it was warm. Sam smirked before she reached out and took the bottle, throwing back a big shot of courage herself. This was going to be an interesting night. "So… what do we do?" Chris asked once he'd washed the aftertaste of the rum down with a little bit more beer. Sam gave a another shrug.
"I mean… just try to act normal. Engage him. It's really weird, sometimes he'll say stuff that he's said before, you know, back when he was Josh. And he doesn't even know it."
"This is too freaking bizarre," Chris said, shaking his head again before another gulp of rum. He paused for a moment, his brows lowering into a look of contemplation. "And… we're sure this isn't some elaborate scheme, right?" Sam let out a loud, 'Ha!'
"With Josh? I guess that's always a possibility," she admitted, another sip of rum closing her sentence. She shook her head. "But no. It's definitely legit." The door to the garage swung open and a wide-eyed, scatterbrained Ashley appeared.
"Chris? A little help in here? And I believe that Elizabeth is bothering Jo- uh… our guest," she said, giving a nod back towards the sitting room before disappearing again. Chris let out an audible sigh.
"You want to take a four year old home with you?"
"I'm good," Sam smiled a toothless grin. Chris walked by her, nearing the garage door.
"Worth a shot," he breathed.
When they entered the living room, the first thing Sam noticed was a very still Josh sitting on the couch with the wild-haired, still only partially clothed little girl sitting right next to him. She was showing him her tablet, and he was just watching her so intently. Sam felt a smile creep onto her lips that only grew when Josh's eyes met hers, a look of 'save me' peering back at her through them.
"...and then you cut it in half," Lizzie instructed, swiping her finger across the greasy, fingerprint-riddled glass screen of her tablet. Sam could hear a slicing noise, and as she neared them she saw that the small child was attempting to teach Josh how to play some kind of fruit-cutting game. "Now you do it," her tiny voice ordered bossily, and she looked up at him with expectation and seriousness in her little eyes. She was the spitting image of Ashley, little round pink nose and all. Josh obligingly brought his finger up, dragging it across the screen. There was a slicing sound and a loud dingggg on the game, and Elizabeth broke out into giggles. "Good job, Elliot!" she praised happily, reaching her little hand up to pat him on the bicep. "You did it!"
Sam neared the two, bending down towards Elizabeth with her hands on her knees.
"Whatcha playing?" Sam inquired, but Lizzie wasn't too interested in her. She snuggled up even closer to Josh, peering back at Sam wordlessly from behind his arm. Sam chuckled, standing up straight with her hands on her hips, her eyes flitting over to Josh's confused but intrigued face. "I think someone has a little crush," she noted with a wink in his direction, to which Josh slightly blushed. "Lizzie, do you mind if I borrow your friend for just a little bit?" Sam pleaded. Lizzie looked up at Josh, then back at Sam disappointedly. "I promise I'll bring him back," Sam offered, much to Josh's dismay. Liz blinked a few times before she simply nodded her head. Josh jumped up energetically, freed from his little prisoner for at least a little while.
"Hurry baaaack," Elizabeth sang eerily, her attention diverted back to the chopping game. Josh and Sam stepped away and he let out the breath he'd been holding.
"Not too comfortable around kids?" Sam laughed, handing him a beer. He took a big gulp, shaking his head.
"No, kids are great… I guess just not a whole lot of experience with them," he corrected.
"Well, she seems to looooove you," Sam teased. They walked together towards the kitchen, where now Chris was slaving away just as much as Ashley to finish dinner. Chris threw a few processed chicken nuggets onto a pink, plastic plate and shoved them into the microwave. He turned to see Josh and Sam eyeing him. He pointed two fingers at the two of them, leering at them over his black-framed glasses.
"I am not going to fight with her tonight. It's literally the only thing she'll eat - you two aren't allowed to judge me until you have kids of your own," Chris shot, slightly defensive in his humor. Sam felt Josh's arm drape around her shoulder, pulling her close to him.
"Oh, no way. We plan on our children being strictly vegan, right Sammy?" he joked, giving Sam a trademark, sideways grin. Chris' eyes widened at the pair, and Sam wanted to blurt, 'this is what I'm talking about!' because for that very brief moment, 'Elliot' was all Josh. He dropped his arm, looking a little bit dazed before excusing himself to the bathroom. Once he was out of earshot, Ashley, Chris and Sam reconvened into a small group in the kitchen, whispering to one another.
"What the hell was what?" Chris asked, gesturing towards the closed bathroom door.
"I know! That's what I'm saying-" Sam tried.
"He said that before, I know it!" Chris declared, "back when we were kids!"
"I know!" Sam groaned.
"And he doesn't remember anything at all?" Ashley weighed in.
"Wait...he knows you're engaged, right?" Chris followed up. Sam began to flush, feeling overwhelmed by their questioning.
"N-no, and yes! But-" Sam began to stammer, the three dispersing at the sound of the bathroom door opening. "Do.. uh… do you guys need any help?" Sam asked as Josh reentered the room, the three of them trying to seem as natural as possible. Ashley laughed and gave a wave of her hand.
"What! Puh-lease!" she tutted, stirring the pot with a wooden spoon. "You're our guests! You two just enjoy yourselves; go check out the beach!" she suggested, gesturing towards their back patio door that opened up to a big, fading sunset. It was early November, so it was still warm in Santa Monica, but the nights were coming earlier and earlier now. Josh and Sam turned to each other and shrugged, why not?
"I wanna go!" Elizabeth yelled, jumping up and onto the back of the couch, nearly toppling over onto the hardwood floor. The four adults lunged forward to catch her, but it was Josh who kept her from colliding with the floor. He gently set the little girl onto the floor who instantly took off running towards her room.
"Nice save, bro," Chris complimented with a high-five, which Josh caught just in time as well - Bro instinct. Sam couldn't help but instantly flash back to one of the million times Chris and Josh high-fived over some ridiculous feat, usually involving girls or video games.
"Elizabeth, you're not going on the beach! It's getting dark and it's almost dinner time!" Ashley yelled up the stairs, and a loud, ear-piercing screech echoed down from upstairs, along with loud, wailing sobs as Elizabeth began to throw a tantrum. "Ohhh, here we go," Ashley smirked, shaking her head. "Your turn, Chris. I'm always the bad guy." Chris turned towards Josh and Sam.
"Go, before it's too late!" he jokingly shouted, pushing them towards the door. They laughed as they watched Chris turn, his head rolling back with an exhausted sigh to tend to his crying daughter. Sam and Josh turned, closing the patio door behind them and venturing off towards the ocean.
"How does he have the energy?" Josh mused, shaking his head.
"I don't think he does," Sam laughed, the two of them falling into a brief silence as they took in the vast, seemingly eternal horizon of the beach, the sun seeming to set fast upon them. The red had folded into more of a purplish hue, painting everything around them in its iridescent, blue light.
Sam couldn't help but remember the last time she was on a beach like this with Josh, that time they'd all gone off for a beach weekend and Josh had let her lean her head on him the whole way home. It was the last thing they all got to do together before they started filtering out to start college, while some of them were left behind. It had pretty much been a typical, Washington-hosted weekend-long bender, but Josh and Sam spent as much of the last days together that they could. With everyone preoccupied with the drinking and the partying, Sam and Josh had time to sneak off to be alone a lot, talking and laughing and drinking under the stars... and trying in vain to pretend that Sunday wasn't coming.
That he wasn't really leaving.
No, they'd never gone as far as becoming boyfriend and girlfriend - that never bothered Sam. She didn't need a label… what they were was so much more than something that could be summed up in one word, anyway. Sam liked it better that way.
"But… what if your forget about me?" Sam had whined, digging her toes deeply into the sand. She was trying her best to come across as joking, but Josh knew better. He chuckled lowly before his hand reached up and took ahold of her head, bringing it towards him as he pressed a kiss into her hair.
"What? Forget about Samantha Jensen? Never," he winked. He leaned in closely, his mouth near her ear. "You're kinda unforgettable." Sam felt the air in her lungs deplete, her heart in her throat as she used every bit of internal strength not to grab ahold of him and kiss him with every atom in her body that didn't want him to go. His face nestled into the crook of her neck and she pressed her cheek against the top of his head, watching the waves crash along the white sand in the dark.
"What if… you meet someone and you fall in love," Sam added, unable to hide the melancholy in her voice this time. She felt him press his lips against the skin of her neck without kissing, just resting there a moment before he pulled away. Her head was dizzy from the wine coolers, and his speech was slurred from the tequila as he said, "You worry too much, you know that?" He poked her a few times in the side as he teasingly sang Elvis Costello's 'Allison' (which had played on an oldies station hours earlier), although he'd 'cleverly' changed the lyrics to 'Aaaaaalllli-Sam. I know this world's been killin' you. Oh, Aaaaaaalllli-Sam. My aim is true.' Sam giggled as the poking had shifted into tickling, and before she could stop herself from flailing she fell back into the sand, writhing and stretching her body to get away from him, but never trying too hard.
"You're the biggest fool I know," she said after he ceased. He laid beside her, propping up his head with his elbow.
"Why, thanks. And you're the prettiest girl I know," he said coolly. Sam felt her cheeks flush as she bit her lip and tried not to notice the weight of his hand resting casually on her stomach, right above her bellybutton. She wondered if he knew what he was doing to her without doing anything at all. She stared at him through heavily lidded eyes, feeling warm and loose from the booze… like she might be able to actually tell him what he meant to her. Although she was certain that he knew (he had to know), they'd never said it before.
"Get outta town," she finally said, waving a cavalier hand in his direction. They sat in silence for a moment, sandwiched between the sounds of the party raging on in the beachhouse behind them and the waves in front of them. "Hey, Josh?" she finally said, and his eyes lazily found hers again. "Don't… don't become one of those lame frat guys when you get there, okay?" she asked, gently fidgeting with the zipper on his hoodie. He held up two fingers together.
"Scout's honor," he swore. Sam giggled again. "Are you gonna let all those senior boys that like you have a shot now that I'm old news?" he teased, but she could see a hint of insecurity behind his eyes. She wetted her dry lips, shaking her head slowly. That had never even crossed her mind. Truth was, there were no other boys in her mind. In fact, she was quite certain in her 17-year-old brain that there never would be. All her life… Josh had been it.
"You'll visit, right?" her voice cracked as she tried her best to hold back tears. Josh laughed softly.
"Well, I do have family here…" he teased, reaching over and tracing his finger from between her eyebrows to the tip of her nose, then back. "...and of course I'll come back to see you," he promised, a bit more somberly.
Sam smiled big, rolling over and burying her face in his chest, wrapping her arms around him, "Good. Because I'm gonna miss you." She relaxed as she felt his arms wrap around her tightly, she could feel his breath permeating through the hair on the top of her head.
"I'm gonna miss you too, kid."
The day he left for college was one of the hardest days Sam had ever had… and no one even knew it. She had gotten stuck at every red light, then at a railroad as a freight train ran by endlessly, ten minutes after Josh was set to leave. She sped all the way to the Washington's house, her stomach sick with fear that she'd missed him. She'd tried to call him, even left him a voicemail to wait. That she'd be there.
Her heart hurt in her chest as she pulled up to the Washington's to see that his Mustang was already gone.
"You literally just missed him," Hannah had said, running out to Sam's car and leaning in through the window. "He had to get on the road before traffic got bad," she added sadly. She reached in through Sam's window, placing her hand on her shoulder comfortingly. "He'll be back for Thanksgiving," she offered. Sam smiled, even though she wanted nothing more than to cry.
"Yeah…" she said quietly, a shrug on her shoulders. "I'll see him then." Hannah knew. Sam could see it in her eyes that maybe Hannah always knew, even if Sam thought that she'd been subtle.
"You wanna come inside? We can make popcorn and watch a movie," Hannah suggested optimistically, but Sam didn't feel like being around people.
"No… it's okay. I think I'm just gonna go home and get some sleep," Sam said, trying her best not to let her sadness show on her face. Hannah leaned in and gave her best friend a hug, letting her know the offer stood if she changed her mind, before retreating back inside.
Sam sat in that driveway for a few moments too long, and before she knew it the tears were streaming down her face. She leaned her head down on her steering wheel as the sobs came, even though she tried so hard to stifle them.
He was gone and she never even got to say goodbye.
Until she heard it: the unmistakable sound of his mustang coming back down her way.
Josh peeled in beside her, hopping out of his car with it still running, jogging up to her window. Sam tried to wipe away the tears before he saw.
"Josh, what are you-" her words were cut short as he practically jumped through her window, taking her face in his hands and kissing her passionately, deeply. She had forgotten how familiar and wonderful his lips felt against hers as her mouth parted, allowing his tongue to slip inside. This wasn't like their first kiss.. this was different. She reached up and gripped onto his arms, desperately taking that kiss from him; she wanted nothing more. Her head felt dizzy and her heart was beating rapidly. He pulled away a bit, breaking the kiss, but then leaned back in again, this time more softly, more lovingly. Sam liked this one even more, her eyes fluttering closed as she tried to freeze this moment in her memory; the way he felt and tasted, the way their lips moved together in perfect unity. She never wanted this moment to end. When they parted, he pressed his forehead to hers, his hands sliding to the back of her neck as he stared into her eyes.
"I got your message," he said, and she was kind of surprised that was the first thing he said after such an amazing kiss.
"I just… I wanted to say goodbye," she said quietly, closing her eyes as her lips pushed towards his but didn't meet, begging for more.
"It's never goodbye," he said simply, and her eyes opened to see Josh in rare seriousness. He allowed their lips to meet once more, fleetingly, before letting go of her entirely. Sam found herself still reaching out towards him, the space between them feeling so vast and empty. He sighed as he took a big step back away from her car, bringing his hands up behind his head. He looked back at his mustang, then at Sam again. She could see the conflict in his eyes. "Don't look at me like that," he groaned painfully, dropping his hand and even though he was trying to come across as playful, she could still pick out the frustration. She wasn't aware she was looking at him any particular away. He leaned down now, his hands on his knees so he was eye level with her. "Sammy, if I don't go now, I will never go," he confessed in a low drone. He didn't have to say it was because he didn't want to leave her. She knew. There were a lot of things that were said between them without saying anything at all.
"Go," Sam choked, giving him permission that took every ounce of internal strength to sound confident. "Go kick ass in college. I'll be there in a year. Save me a seat," she smirked. He nodded, a grin growing on his face as well. He began to walk back towards his car, but suddenly turned back towards her.
"Sammy?" he called out. She glanced back at him. "Can we like… have one of those deals where like… if neither of us are married by the time we're 30-"
"Yes," Sam blurted out quickly, followed by a giggle. She knew where that sentence was going. He didn't have to finish. His smile was blinding, bowing his head to look at his feet.
"I'll hold you to that," he assured, walking back to his car and opening the door. He gave her one last longing glance, pointed at her, then gave her a quick wave before he jumped in and before she knew it, he was gone.
And now, in the present after all this time, Sam glanced over at Josh, still in awe that he was actually here with her; she reckoned she'd never get used to the idea, after nine years of missing him.
It's never goodbye.
Sure, that hole in her heart had numbed and scabbed over, but it had always been there. And now he was here, and all she could keep thinking about at this very moment was how badly she wanted to be with him, and how much she couldn't.
And it wasn't just because she was engaged. Sam realized this wasn't fair to Liam, especially with how she'd left things with him. In fact, she was almost certain he'd be the one ending the engagement as soon as he found out that she was in Santa Monica with her patient, the same one he'd so clearly outlined his distaste for. The scariest part was that the idea left Sam eerily relieved.
And it wasn't just because Josh was her patient, either (well… technically Elliot was her patient, but that was neither here nor there). Because she could drop him as a patient and move on, no one would be any the wiser.
It was the fact that even though bits and pieces of Josh poked through here and there, he wasn't Josh. Not yet. And as she stared at the man with Josh's face and wished so badly that he would remember everything and scoop her up in his arms and carry on exactly where they'd left off… it was becoming more and more hopeless.
"What are you thinkin' about so hard over there?" Josh droned, an eyebrow raised in her direction. Sam smirked; he knew. He always knew.
"Nothing," Sam sighed, then turned towards him with a shrug. "Everything." Josh nodded.
"Ah, gotcha."
"Our vegan kids," she added with a nudge to his side. He laughed nervously, his hand finding the back of his neck awkwardly.
"Yeahhhhh… sorry about that. I don't know where that came from."
I do, Sam thought to herself.
"Sam?" he asked, turning towards her, his features clearly lined in the ever-growing darkness, seeming to surround them like fog.
"Yes, Elliot?" Sam replied, having to carefully keep herself from replying with Josh the way she always used to.
"You know how I told you I get deja vu a lot? Or like, memories that aren't mine?" Sam nodded, wanting so desperately to hear where he was going with this. "Like… it's been really weird hanging around you so much lately because I feel like I'm getting it more and more. Like, things about you and the people you're bringing me around are triggering it." He was catching on, though he didn't even know what he was catching on to. Sam sucked in a sharp breath and faced forward, her stomach in a knot as she crossed her arms and trudged further through the sand. She neared the water, her toes almost meeting the waves of the ocean, her long skirt fluttering in the ocean wind. Josh followed her, and she melted when his hand reached out and rested gently on her arm. "I guess I mean to say, whatever therapy you're trying on me, I think it's actually working."
Sam felt a lump forming in her throat. She turned towards him again, her favorite eyes in the world searching her face, full of so much hope - probably that she would be just as excited as he was to discover this. She realized she was just staring at him, wordlessly, and she could see the insecurity and apprehension festering behind his eyes.
"That's….amazing, Elliot," she choked out. He could still sense something was wrong.
"Are you okay?" he asked. Before Sam could answer he was apologizing - and she didn't even know why. "I wanted to say I'm sorry for yesterday at your mom's… I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable it's just… I really appreciate everything you're doing for me and I feel…" his words trailed off nervously.
"You feel what?" she pushed, sure that her own eyes were full of hope sighed, shaking his head modestly.
"I feel like I've known you my whole life," he confessed, his voice cracking. Sam wanted to lean in and kiss him, awaken him from his spell and end all of this confusion right now. It was becoming unbearable.
"There's a reason you feel that way about me," Sam said hesitantly, but when she saw the look on his face she lost her nerve, swallowing down the lump in her throat. She was walking the line too dangerously now; she needed to pull back. "A lot of patients feel that way about their doctor," she improvised, and she hated to see the disappointment in his face, the utter letdown.
"I think… it's more about you," he dared. "As a person." Sam felt her cheeks pinken, and she was relieved that it was now dark enough that maybe he couldn't see it. She couldn't respond, simply tucked her hair behind her ear and cleared her throat. Sam peered up and she could literally see the moment Josh decided to give up on the conversation, stuffing his hands in his pockets and sighing. "Liam is a lucky guy, is all," he mumbled. Sam scoffed.
"I'm sure he'd beg to differ at this point," she accidentally blurted, regretting it instantly as she watched the intensity settle back onto his face. He turned her towards him, leaning down a bit to meet her gaze.
"No. He is, Sam," he said sternly, looking slightly irritated that she would even question it. He snorted shaking his head. "Seriously… why are you marrying this guy? Especially if he doesn't make you feel like you're the best thing that's ever happened to him?" he asked, brazenly. Sam smiled a humorless smile, giving one shoulder a shrug.
"I don't even know anymore," she said, her voice barely a whisper. "And anyway, I haven't been that great to him either, lately," she confessed. Josh just stared down at her in astonishment, as if he knew he was the reason for that. She could see by the way his posture changed that he was thinking about kissing her, and worse, that she might not be able to stop him this time.
"Dinner!"
They both snapped out of their trance at the sound of Ashley's voice echoing from the back patio of the huge house. Wordlessly, they both turned and walked silently back.
To Be Continued…