Chapter 9:

Old Habits

Dinner was amazing, especially since Ashley and Chris cared enough to remember that Sam was a vegan, to which she briefly reminded beforehand. But still, they made her her own dish and Sam could see the way that Josh devoured his own plate that he was equally satiated. Now that their plates were pretty much wiped clean, they all sat at the table while they let their food settle in their stomachs.

They'd exhausted all forms of polite conversation, but Sam couldn't help but notice the way that Ashley and Chris couldn't stop staring at Josh; it was so incredible to actually have him there with them, no matter how much they tried to hide it.

"How's the pregnancy?" Sam asked. Ashley's belly stuck out like a constant reminder that they'd yet to really discuss anything about the couple. Ashley sighed, rolling her head back exhaustedly. Sam couldn't imagine lugging a little human around inside of her.

"It's a totally different ballpark than with Elizabeth," Ashley explained. "I am way more fatigued. And I was a lot more nauseous during this one… boys are just different," she noted, spacely, then her eyes widened, as though she had just unearthed a huge secret. "I guess the cat's outta the bag now. We weren't really telling anyone but..." she snorted. "It's a boy-"

"Mazel tov," Josh deadpanned, a tiny crack of a smile in his otherwise intense features. Chris leaned forward, rubbing his hand on Ashley's belly lovingly.

"Yup, that's my boy in there," he beamed proudly. They all quietly chuckled at his excitement, and Ashley leaned back in her chair, out of breath from just sitting there.

"Baby boy Bennett," Josh mused, and Sam was a little surprised how much he was actually engaging in the conversation. It made her feel good to know he was feeling at ease with Chris and Ashley.

"Well, I mean… we have a few names that we've talked about," Ashley smiled, glancing over at Chris as if to ask, 'can I tell 'em'? Then she added under her breath, "Some are better than others,"

"Oh, do tell," Sam insisted, leaning forward and resting her chin in her palm. Chris and Ashley shared a brief look - Sam never understood how they managed to say everything they needed to say with just a look. She'd found herself constantly feeling like she and Liam couldn't even talk with words, let alone fleeting glances. Then again, she'd always been able to tell what Josh was thinking just from the way he looked at her, and right now his eyes were saying, 'this is nice.'

"Alright, we weren't gonna tell anyone yet but you're pretty safe, I suppose," Ashley teased.

"We have narrowed it down to a couple we like. I like the name Salinger-" It was clear from Chris' reaction that he wasn't a fan.

"That one again? I thought we vetoed that one," Chris groaned, leaning back and crossing his arms to show just how closed off he was to the idea. Sam both loved and hated that she was able to read people's body language. Sometimes it could get distracting, always trying to figure out what was going on in everyone's heads.

"Nooo, you vetoed that one," she insisted, pointing at him accusingly. Sam couldn't help but smile. Even in their bickering, they always spoke with love and never irritation. They were best friends and she loved that about them.

"Ash, he had one hit. And it was about a whiny, pretentious little emo kid."

"One hit?" Ashley uttered, pure offense on her face. "Excuuuuse me? Nine Stories? Franny and Zooey?"

"No one has heard of those. Have you guys heard of those?" Chris asked, peering between Josh and Sam, who both recoiled a bit, unwilling to participate. Ashley just laughed away her defeat- clearly Salinger was back off the table. Sam caught Josh's glimpse at her from the other side of the table, giving her a quick grin which she gratefully returned - he seemed at ease. "Anyways, my name is better…" Chris said quietly.

"Oh yeah, this one is great," Ashley snorted, a hint of sarcasm in her tone.

"Uriah Silas."

"Oh, now that's cute," Sam shrugged, raising her eyebrows. "What's wrong with Uriah?"

"He only likes Uriah Silas because then his initials would be..." she glanced at Chris, who happily took over.

"USB!" he said eagerly, his true nerd showing, "isn't that hilarious?"

"It's… something," Sam said amusedly, shaking her head.

"Your poor, poor child," Josh chuckled a bit more brazenly, followed by a quick drink of his beer. Their laughter subsided, the room calming a bit again before Ashley's eyes flitted back up to Chris.

"Well, we did have one we both had agreed on…" she said meekly, and Chris' eyebrows rose in recognition.

"Oh yeah," he said, matching her quiet tone.

"Well? What is it?" Sam prodded, leaning forward on elbows. "It can't be worse than USB."

"We.. uh… we actually liked Joshua if it was a boy," Chris said after a moment. "Took a little convincing on my part, you know, after everything that-" Chris stopped himself from going any further, pretending to have a bit of a coughing fit. Sam was grateful. Josh let out a loud chuckle, everyone glancing over at him.

"Sorry just… this guy again? He must have been some guy, the way you guys are always going on about him," he noted, pushing his little bit of remaining food around his plate a bit. "Sam here never stops talking about him," he added with a brief nod in her direction. Everyone sat quietly for a moment, not sure what exactly to say as none of them had ever been in a situation quite like this. It was clear that Josh was curious, but how were they supposed to tell Josh about … well, himself.

"Well, that's because he was kinda incredible," Chris finally said with a sigh, and Sam could tell in that moment just how much Chris missed his best friend… and he was literally sitting three feet away from him.

"How'd he die?" Josh blurted suddenly, and the room fell eerily silent. It was the question that no one wanted to answer because.. well… he didn't die.

"Lizzie, are you getting sleepy?" Chris asked, breaking the tension and quickly changing the subject in a manner that wouldn't seem rude. They all peered at the little girl who was practically falling asleep in her booster seat. She must have been tired; they hadn't heard a peep from the little urchin for a good half-hour… after of course, an epic battle with Chris about how she didn't like 'chi-chin nuddets' anymore.

"I'm not tired," she whined, but her heavy eyelids and nodding head gave her away. And if they hadn't, her big yawn ending her claim certainly did.

"Let me help you clear the plates," Sam offered as Ashley began to pick up her dishes.

"Thanks!" Ash replied, not one to turn down the extra help at this point. Any time time off her feet was welcome.

As Chris picked up Lizzie to carry her up to bed, Sam and Josh helped Ashley carry the dishes to the sink to be pre-washed before placing them in the dishwasher.

"So…" Sam began after a long moment of silence, the only sound being the clinking of the dishes and running water, "Have you and Chris talked to any of the others recently?" She knew it shouldn't be such a touchy subject, but considering she hadn't made it a point to contact any of them in almost ten years, Sam felt like she was stepping into uncertain territory.

"Not too recently," Ashley answered, washing a glass under the water before handing it to Josh to put in the washer, "But we try to keep in touch. Emily moved further east and became a surgeon."

"Wooow, impressive! Good for her," Sam commented.

"Matt's teaching college football...at least, he was a few years ago. He's the hardest to contact, I really think he just wants to forget about all of us and...everything that happened."

"What happened?" Josh asked innocently enough as he continued to place dishes, glasses, and silverware in the dishwasher.

Ashley looked over at Sam, apologizing with her eyes for even mentioning it.

"Just... a fallout between friends," Sam responded, shrugging her shoulders as if it was no big deal. Josh seemed to accept this answer, "So I take it Em and Matt didn't stay together then."

"Nope, they pretty much went their separate ways after...you know, the funeral," Ashley continued quickly, wondering if she was saying all the wrong things, "Anyway, Jessica became the lead meteorologist for a big news company in San Diego…"

"Big Booty J Carr?" Josh suddenly piped up, causing both Sam and Ash to stare at him like he was an alien. He blushed slightly, which was possibly the cutest thing Sam ever saw, and he became fixated on moving the dishes around to make room, "She's kinda famous, like you said. I remember being in one of my classes and a few guys were watching...videos of her."

Sam laughed gently, "That would be her…"

"Pretty cool that you guys are friends with her. Is she going to be one of the people we visit?" Josh asked Sam with curious eyes.

"Um, I don't know, probably not," Sam answered quickly, a weird sort of jealousy resting in her stomach that she wished to ignore. She recalled a few times when Jess was single when she would flirt with Josh. Harmlessly, of course, Jess flirted with almost every single guy in her own way. Still. "What about Mike?"

"He went into politics. He has the looks to get the votes," Ashley laughed, "Chris came up with that line."

Sam grinned, "Of course he did."

"Jess and Mike didn't stay together either, but last I heard, they're still good friends."

Chris came back, wrapping his arms around Ashley from behind, "Liz is out like a light. Hey, you two are staying the night, right?"

Sam and Josh exchanged quick glances before looking away, and Sam swore she felt like she was in second grade and someone just asked her who her crush was, "Um...I don't know, we-."

"No. We insist. We have more than enough room. Liz is already passed out in our bedroom, which means we have her room and the guest room open. You guys should definitely stay, what's a few hours rest before the drive home? Plus, you know, we've all been drinking..." Chris pointed out. "She has a full-size bed in there, you'll be more than comfortable…"

"But… Elliot-" Sam started to object, glancing back at Josh again, but Chris was already there, draping his arm over Josh's shoulder now.

"He'll be fine. I think we could both go for some guy time, right?" he asked, slapping Josh on the back. "Dude, I am constantly surrounded by females...I need this." Josh gave a sideways smirk and a shrug, he seemed totally content with the idea - which made Sam very happy, considering his social anxiety. There must have been something inside of him that knew he was safe around these people… if only he could just remember.

"Let me show you her room," Ashley said excitedly, as if she was the child who was eagerly about to show her friend her bedroom.

"But…," Sam tried to object, but Ashley was already in her ear.

"Just… give them a little bit of time. Maybe this is gonna help," she suggested, and Sam couldn't argue with that. Maybe some time alone with Chris was exactly what Josh needed to trigger another memory. Still, she couldn't help but wonder if she was jealous that his memory might come flooding back to him and she was going to be nowhere near when it did. She relented anyways, chalking this up to an important moment in Josh's recovery. She turned towards them, giving a quick smile.

"Okay, have fun, guys," Sam relented, her voice dripping with remorse. She turned back again, pointing in Josh's direction, "and Elliot, if you need anything I will be right upstairs." Josh didn't respond, just gave a quick nod. If he had been uncomfortable or nervous Sam certainly couldn't tell at this point - it seemed just like retiring to bed at the Washington Lodge with a party still raging, Josh and Chris getting ready to pour more shots.

Sam and Ashley walked upstairs and into Lizzie's bedroom, closing the door before Ashley neared Sam, her hand resting on Sam's arm.

"How are you holding up?" she ventured. Sam had no idea how to answer such a simple question, as the answer was just far too mind-boggling. She took in a breath and it felt like the first she'd really taken all night. "This is so surreal," Ashley breathed, waddling towards the pink-quilted bed and fluffing a pillow, tossing a teddy bear aside.

"It's him, right? I'm not crazy?" Sam chuckled, taking a seat at the end of the bed.

"If it's not then we're all crazy," Ashley replied, smoothing out the bedding and sitting beside her old friend. Sam instinctively leaned her head on Ashley's shoulder, then Ashley laid her head atop of Sam's.

"You guys are so lucky you've always had each other…" Sam commented lowly.

Ashley gave a short laugh, "Well, it wasn't always rainbows and butterflies. For the first whole year after Josh's funeral, Chris was in a really bad place. He tried not to show it...he was trying to maintain his tough guy act around me, but I knew. And then I felt bad for being depressed, because you and Chris lost the person closest to both of you…"

Sam lifted her head, staring absently at Ashley's swollen belly, "Well...I mean, Josh put you through a lot that night…"

"Don't remind me," Ashley said with a groan and a smile, but Sam knew on some level that she was serious. Ashley reached up into her hair, pulling out a couple small blue pieces of what seemed to be candy, "Ugh...I need to get cleaned up. You'll be okay for a few minutes?"

Sam nodded, and when Ashley excused herself to go take a shower and clean up all the stickiness that was on her from Lizzie's escapades earlier, Sam took a moment to look around the little girl's room. Lizzie was definitely spoiled. Despite the largeness of the room, toys were still spilling out of about a dozen toy boxes and scattered randomly all over the floor. Little figures lines the shelves on the walls, though a lot of them were knocked over.

Behind sheer curtains, she spotted the sliding door that led to a balcony. Lizzie was a lucky girl, Sam just hoped she grew up to realize this. Sam clicked open the doors and was instantly hit with the cool breeze from the night ocean air. Looking out into the water from here was like looking out into a black void; she could only hear the calming swoosh of the ocean waves, every once in awhile catching the glint of the white foam from the moon's glow.

Then she heard the laughter of Josh and Chris from the patio that was almost directly below her. She smiled to herself, glad Josh was able to talk casually to him.

"…then when we picked her up from Ash's mom's, Liz was just playing quietly in the living room but her grandmother's hair was wild and she looked like she hadn't slept the whole weekend." Chris laughed at his story.

"I can definitely tell you have your hands full," Josh commented, "I bet it's nice having so much family to depend on though."

Their beer bottles clinked together, "Things can get crazy, but you're right, bro."

Sam folded her arms and leaned on the railing; even when Chris was in total dad mode and talking about his kid, Josh was able to participate.

"Ash's side of the family is huge—she has five sisters and three brothers, and every single one of them already has at least two kids of their own. As soon as I married her, every single one of those kids started calling me Uncle Chris."

"I gotta say, I'm pretty envious, man. It sounds insane, but at least you're never lonely."

Chris went silent, and Sam bit her lip. She wondered if it was hard for Josh to hear about Chris' large family when he didn't know if he had a family.

"And you and your wife are obviously crazy about each other. How'd you two meet?"

Chris chuckled, "Well…uh, it was actually Josh that introduced us. They were in the same English class; she was a sophomore taking junior English—and I guess—he just thought she'd be perfect for me. He told her that he needed someone to tutor him and…well, you already know how crazy Ash is about literature…but instead of giving her his address, he gave her mine. So all of a sudden I had this beautiful girl standing on my front porch eagerly wanting to talk about Pride and Prejudice. When she found out my last name was Bennett, she fangirled and—I fell in love with her."

Sam grinned from the balcony. She remembered the day Josh told her what he did and though Sam just laughed and pushed his shoulder playfully for putting his best friend in that situation, the story made her fall even more in love with Josh. It was just like him to pull a little prank when trying to hook his best bro up with a girl, but the fact that he could just look at Ashley and know that she was perfect for Chris left Sam in awe.

"It's…" Josh laughed quickly, "It's really hard to live up to this Josh guy. You and Ashley met because of him, you want to name your son after him, Sam's in love with him…"

Sam's heart sped up but she tried to calm it so she didn't hear the thumping in her ears.

"Bro, she…" Chris started.

"All of you look at me like you're shocked at how much I resemble him. Don't think I don't notice…Sam looked at me like that from the first second I met her and she called me his name. But Josh sounds—sounded—amazing and I don't think I could…I could be all that for her. I mean, I could try but—."

Sam's eyebrows furrowed. She never meant to make him feel inadequate to Josh…

"She's engaged to another guy, dude…"

"Right. Yeah, I know."

Sam let out a low breath before hearing Ashley knock on the bedroom door and peek in. She was in flowing maternity pajamas, probably feeling much more comfortable now.

"Hey, did you wanna join the boys outside for awhile?"

Sam swallowed hard but nodded. She needed a beer first. Maybe two. She followed Ashley to the kitchen, twisting open a beer and drinking the whole bottle in one gulp. Ashley raised an eyebrow when Sam reached for another one.

"Are you okay…?" Ashley asked, dismissively rubbing her hand all over her large belly.

Sam took another long drink of the second beer, but managed to not finish the whole thing this time, "I kinda overheard Chris and Josh talking and…"

"And they were talking about you?" Ashley guessed. Sam nodded and Ashley sighed, "Sam, that is Josh out there, whether he realizes it or not. He loves you."

Okay, not exactly what Sam wanted or needed to hear, but there it was. Ashley cocked her head to the patio, so Sam followed her outside with her half-finished beer and another unopened one.

"Hey, you two. What are you talking about?" Ashley asked innocently as she closed the glass doors behind Sam so any noise they all made wouldn't travel upstairs and disturb Elizabeth.

Chris was sitting on one wicker two-person bench and Josh was sitting on the one adjacent to it. Ashley turned around as she prepared to lower her body to sit next to Chris; Chris instinctively holding out his arms and helping her relax.

Sam sat next to Josh but made sure she wasn't close enough to touch him.

"Aww, you brought me another beer?" he asked playfully when he saw her gripping two in her hands.

The unopened one was actually supposed to be for her, but she had just downed one-and-a-half beers within a minute and knew she should probably chill out. She hardly drank as it was, maybe a glass of wine she usually nursed over an hour, and didn't know how all the alcohol would affect her.

So she smiled and handed it to him. He opened it and pointed it toward her so they could tap their bottles together.

"You and Chris have a good chat?" She asked, hoping she didn't sound like she already knew about their whole conversation.

He nodded, "He talks about his daughter and wife a lot," he chuckled and took a sip of his beer, "And Josh."

Sam nodded and glanced over at Chris and Ashley. They were talking softly between them, all soft touches and loving looks. It made her feel a bit jealous of their relationship again—they've been together ever since the night Josh—disappeared. So in hindsight, Josh's plan worked. The night brought the two together. Mission accomplished, Josh.

It brought her back to the night Chris and Ashley dragged her out of bed about a week after Josh's funeral, when she'd moved home for a while. It was embarrassing having them catch her just looking at pictures and calling his phone over and over just to hear his familiar voicemail. But they were determined to get her to meet up with the rest of the gang so they could all have their own personal funeral for not only Josh, but Hannah and Beth as well. But Sam's three favorite people were dead, and finding the motivation to even roll out of bed let alone go to a party was nearly impossible. But Ashley got her dressed and her and Chris drove her to Mike's place.

Everyone was still shook up from that night. Seeing wendigos up close and personal isn't something anyone can just forget. Mike still had bandages wrapped around his hand to cover his missing fingers. Everyone still had some scratches and bruises covering their bodies—but all were healing. Physically.

Sam sat down on a random chair as soon as she walked in and stayed there. She vaguely remembered Chris bringing her a drink and Ashley rubbing her shoulders. But as the night wore on and the others talked about—everything and nothing—Sam eventually looked up to look around what was left of the crew.

Chris had his arm around Ashley and listened to her talk only to him. Her voice was low and there were tears on her face, so she was obviously telling him about something that affected her the most that night.

Emily was sitting on a dresser against the wall, her hand held out as Matt traced lazy circles on her palm, the two of them probably contemplating where they went from here.

Jessica sat sideways on Mike's lap on the recliner, her face buried in his neck as he held her so tightly, it seemed he was scared she would simply disappear if he let her go.

And Sam became very aware of how alone she was. She closed her eyes and tried to imagine Josh's arms around her. She imagined him dropping to his knees in front of her, hiding his face in her lap as he apologized over and over for putting her through everything he did that night. She imagined running her hand through his hair and chanting that she forgave him, over and over and over…

But that was never going to happen. She was never going to get her happy ending after that terrifying night and no matter how much the others went through, they could still go to bed each night holding their significant other and wake up to see their alive and shining faces.

She was numb when she stood to leave, exiting the house so quietly that none of them even noticed her departure. But she didn't belong with them anymore. They all had each other, but she was alone. She wanted to be happy for them, but couldn't find it in herself at that moment to be. She was full of bitterness and loneliness and none of them needed anymore negativity in their life.

She made it about halfway home when she spotted headlights coming around the corner toward her. She feared that it was Chris and Ashley, or any of the others, coming to look for her and she didn't want to be found. She wished she'd never been found on the mountain. She wished she had gotten lost in the mines with Josh and died with him.

Sam walked off the road and slid down into the small ditch that would hide her from any cars. And sure enough, the car slowly came around the bend but continued driving down the road. She attempted to pull herself up but her shoe slipped on mud and she slid back down and stayed there. A deep sob that started in her chest and emitted through her parted lips took her by surprise, and it only took a moment after that for all the tears and sobs to start.

"No, no, no, no, no…" She chanted between every quick sob, her chest heaving as her lungs tried to catch their breath; but they were on fire and she didn't think she'd ever be able to breathe properly again.

Until finally, her body broke into wails. She pulled her knees up to her chest and clenched her hair as she screamed as loud as she could. Her salty tears slipped into her mouth, her lips trembling, her throat sore. She tried rocking herself, a pitiful attempt to calm down, but she wished she could keep screaming to the point of passing out.

Her heart felt like it was slow compared to how worked up the rest of her body was, and she could literally feel it cracking and breaking. She thought that was how she was going to be found a few days from now: dead in a ditch from a shattered heart.

In the present, Sam hated that she had that memory. It was the lowest point in her life but didn't think she would have ever made it if she didn't have that breakdown.

She looked over at Josh, now sitting beside her. Something she didn't think would ever happen again. He was looking out into the dark ocean, probably not wanting to just stare at Chris and Ashley having a cuddly couple moment. And if Sam was by herself again, she knew she wouldn't want to see it either.

But she wasn't by herself. She wasn't in that ditch anymore. She was sitting beside him. The only one she ever truly loved and ever will.

She felt a lump in her throat as she reached for the sleeve of his hoodie, pulling herself closer to him until she was pressed against him and her head fell perfectly on his shoulder. It felt so good she literally felt her eyes roll to the back of her head before closing them.

He stiffened against her for a moment, probably taken completely off-guard. She felt his head turn toward her, and if she wasn't such a coward, she would look up to meet his gaze.

"Are you cold?" He asked in a low voice only she could hear. It sent shivers through her and caused her skin to tighten into goosebumps.

"A little…" she answered just as low, hoping the weather could at least excuse her actions. Or maybe it was the alcohol. Yeah, that was it.

There was an afghan that was draped over the back of the wicker bench; he put their beers down, then reached for it, winging it out of its folded state. He placed it over her, his arm going around her as he did. She found his free hand under the afghan and grasped onto it, their fingers seamlessly interlacing. He pressed his lips to the top of her head, and just like that, she was thrown back to all the times Josh always did that when they were younger.

"You smell good," he told her, and she could feel his mouth move against her har.

She smiled and, in her mind, she was one-hundred percent without a doubt with Josh. She whispered, "You do, too."

"Sam…?" Josh started, but she only acknowledged it with a tiny, "hm?"

"So, Elliot!" Ashley spoke up a bit too loudly. Sam's eyes opened to stare at her like she was crazy, "You said you're in college? What are you taking?"

Under the afghan, Josh began rubbing his thumb soothingly across the back of Sam's hand, "Sam's mom had the exact same question…"

"Oh, you met her mom...already? She's so sweet, isn't she?" Ashley offered.

"Yeah, definitely. Uh...but as far as college, I've only been taking random classes. But-something Sam's mom said...it got me thinking. I might want to try majoring in Psychology."

Sam met eyes with Chris. That was Josh's major when he first went off to college. She raised her head to look at him, her heart nearly pounding out of her chest at how close they were, "That's something you're really interested in?"

He gave a mall shrug, "I think so." His hand squeezed her shoulder, "Maybe focusing on that will help me with...everything. And I've met so many psychologists that are terrible at their job-like, they're so quick to give up on people and push their clients to someone else without even really trying…" Josh lowered his voice, his eyes searching her face, "You were the first one that really...that I felt comfortable with."

Sam's lips parted to respond, but she couldn't find the words. Her eyes wandered down to his lips, once again thinking about their last kiss before he left for college...

"Well, I need to head to bed!" Ashley suddenly exclaimed.

Sam looked over to her, realizing that Ashley and Chris had been staring at them. And just like that, the moment was broken—what she was doing with Elliot was completely wrong and she should be ashamed of herself.

But she really couldn't be. The moment she took her hand from Josh's, her fingers felt cold and longed to find his again.

Ashley laughed nervously, "Lizzie is a ridiculously early riser, and I'll never be able to keep up with her if I'm tired. Goodnight, you guys."

"I'll be up in a minute," Chris told her, helping her stand up. Ashley went inside, still flashing Chris a look that told him everything she wanted him to discuss with Sam.

Sam stood up as soon as Chris did, "Yeah, I guess we should get some sleep, too."

She avoided Josh's gaze as they cleaned up the patio then went inside. It was awkwardly quiet between the three of them in the kitchen, and it probably gave Josh anxiety so he excused himself saying he was going to get ready for bed.

As soon as he was upstairs, Chris got close to her and whispered harshly, "What the hell are you doing, Sam?"

"I'm not doing anything," She said defensively, her eyes narrowed and ready for a fight if it came to that.

"Sam!" Chris said a bit louder, grabbing her shoulders, "You're engaged! And Elliot is your patient! You told me that—."

"I know!" She accidentally yelled, swiping his hands off her shoulders when she stepped away from him. Her eyes filled with tears, "Don't you think I know all that, Chris?! You only just saw him a few hours ago—how do you think I feel? Ever since I saw him that first day, he's all I think about! He's all I ever thought about since I was thirteen!"

The waterworks started again and, after talking with not only her mom about this, but Chris as well, she realized that she really did have a lot of problems she never got past.

"I still love him," she told him brokenly, her voice cracking.

Chris took in a deep breath and looked around, having a hard time watching her cry again.

"Sam, I—."

"I need to get to sleep," she told him, not wishing for him to comfort her at that time. He tried calling to her again, but she only waved him off as she bounded up the steps to the bubble pink room that was a harsh contrast to her mood.

Once she shut the door behind her, the tears fell freely once again. She had slightly expected her little run in with Chris, because she wasn't unaware of her actions for the evening or the constant sideways glances that she and Josh were getting from Chris and Ashley - and even though they understood, no reason she could come up with in her mind could make it right. She was still engaged and Josh was still her patient, and no matter what happened, those two facts remained true.

Sam pulled her shirt off to replace it with a nightshirt that Ashley had offered, the same with her skirt and a pair of cotton shorts. She had no idea how she was supposed to sleep, and her stomach hurt when she suddenly thought of her cell phone, on silent, sitting in her car all this time. It hadn't even occurred to her to be available to Liam and that made her even more disgusted with herself. She decided right then and there, in the ridiculously pink room she was standing in, that she had to do something about Liam as soon as she got home, no matter how hard or conflicted she may feel about it.

Sam slid her fingers through her hair before running her hands down her face, feeling her chest contact with an exhale that she felt she'd been holding in for far too long. She glanced over at the open patio door, the sound of the waves offering comfort and solace amongst her frenzied thoughts.

For a moment, Sam sat on the twin bed and let herself remember some of the not-so-great moments in her past with Josh - specifically the moment she watched him get sawed in half on a huge projector screen, the way it made her knees buckle and her heart stop, the way it made her want to die. And then to find out it had all been a ruse, a sick prank to garner some kind of revenge on them all… she'd always wondered why he'd done that to her, although the psychologist in her had deduced that it was a means to elicit Sam's true feelings for him. Even still, it broke her heart to know that he felt he needed to do something so drastic to get a reaction from her… hadn't she been so obvious, all along?

Sam stood abruptly at the sound of someone knocking, albeit very quietly, on the bedroom door. She stood slowly, nearing the door - she was genuinely curious who it might be. Perhaps it was Chris to finish the conversation that she'd so abruptly ended or maybe it was Ashley to get a fresh pair of pajamas for Liz.

But when Sam opened the door and saw a weary, waiting Josh on the other side, she heard herself gasp at the sight. She hadn't totally been expecting him - he'd been brash, yes, but even this seemed a bit… invasive. She felt suddenly so exposed in her night clothes, covering herself slightly as she leaned against the wooden moulding of the doorway.

"Oh, hi. Do you need something?" she asked politely, but she could feel her heart thumping rapidly in her chest as he stared at her, his intense eyes searing into her. He didn't say anything, and Sam felt herself growing equally nervous as she was curious. Then, in one quick moment, Josh stepped forward, hooking his arm around her scantily clad waist and pulling her close, his lips finding hers with ease.

Sam would have liked to have imagined that she'd been resistant, that she'd fought him off a bit, but it was only a matter of milliseconds before her hands were wrapped tightly around him, then in his hair pulling him even closer to her.

His tongue explored her mouth like it had been there before and it was simply getting reaquainted, her body molding into the nooks and crannies of his as it had done before. They just…. fit. He whipped her around, her back flush against that pink wall that she'd been staring at so intensely before and she loved the pressure of his body against hers. Why wasn't she pushing him away? Why hadn't it even occurred to her to fight him off?

No. Sam wanted this. He wanted this. And she was tired of pretending it wasn't everything she could ever want.

He finally pulled away, but not before leaving a few more residual kisses on her lips and Sam was literally breathless. He pressed his forehead to hers, his eyes slowly opening to meet hers and a smile creeping across his lips, a genuine one.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that," he confessed, his voice hoarse and his breathing ragged. Sam groaned, her hands reaching for his collar of his hoodie and she couldn't decide to pull him back in or push him away. His breath was intoxicating, his lips like the sweetest poison. Sure she may die, but it would have been the sweetest death. "I can't stop thinking about you, Sam," he breathed. Sam smiled for the quickest moment, before she painfully shook her head, his bobbing with hers from side to side.

"I can't," was all she could say, but Josh wouldn't hear it. "Not yet, not like this," she added before she could stop herself.

"I've seen the way you look at me, Samantha. I know there's something here, something pulling us together," he swallowed, tensely, as though it was taking everything out of him just to say what he was saying to her. "I know you want me. I can tell by the way you touch me. The way you look at me." There was something so unbelievably erotic about the way he was speaking to her, calling her out on every thought as though he could read her mind.

"You're right," she admitted, the words spilling out from deep within her - it felt good to actually be able to say the words aloud. Sam closed her eyes but she could hear the way his lips parted into a smile when her words hit his ears. She could feel him press forward, his lips searching for hers again when she pulled away, her eyes opening and her breathing coming to a halt. As much as it killed her, she knew she had to be the strong one. "I'm engaged, Josh," she uttered. Josh's eyes lowered, his eyebrows following into a look of understanding but hidden disappointment. He unclasped her wrists with his hands, taking a brief step away from her.

"Elliot," he choked out, a quick tuft of air. "My name is Elliot." Sam reached for him, but he unlatched himself from her, unable to shield her from the pain in his eyes. "And… I know that. But…" he gave a shrug, turning his gaze from her. "You can't blame a guy for trying, right?"

"Elliot, I'm so, so sorr-"

"Nonono… don't," he said quickly, as though to protect himself from any further embarrassment. "It's okay. I get it," he assured, turning towards her door, seeing himself out.

"Elliot, wait," Sam whispered after him harshly with tears in her eyes; anything to keep him from leaving her just yet. He had spent this whole time feeling inadequate to Josh, just for her to make a stupid mistake like this. She wanted to just tell him: he was Josh. He was all she had ever wanted. And she was going to leave Liam. And she was working so hard to get him to remember her… but all of those facts seemed wasted upon deaf ears for now.

"I-its okay. I'll just uh… I'll see you in the morning," he mumbled before heading back towards the bedroom door. "I just wanted to know what it was like to kiss you," He stopped, a weak smile on his lips as he earnestly promised, "It was even better than how I imagined." He turned, taking himself back to his room. Sam couldn't go after him. There was nothing more to say. After she heard his footsteps falling further and further from her bedroom door, she collapsed onto the twin bed, her hands reaching up to graze the place where his lips had just been.

To Be Continued...