A Year in the Life: Part Four- The Egbert-Crockers

by kaybee613

John leads a pretty normal life, and so does Jane. When they start dealing with relationships in high school, with both new friends and old ones, they both find themselves wound up in all kinds of teenage drama

5. The Token Straight Friend

Chapter Five
The Token Straight Friend

John woke up in the middle of the night to see his phone going absolutely apeshit crazy on the nightstand. He put his glasses on and picked the phone up, squinting at the bright screen.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

TG: hey egbert
TG: i know youre probably asleep arent you
TG: cause you actually sleep at normal human hours instead of evolving into some kind of nocturnal beast like me and dirk
TG: im just gonna keep chatting here it keeps my mind occupied
TG: dude i know you arent into musicals
TG: neither am i usually
TG: but rose made me finally listen to hamilton
TG: shit is lit
TG: full of founding fathers throwing sick fires at each other
TG: reminds me of some of my stuff tbh
TG: remember when i wrote that rap about obama
TG: i could probably write some sick shit about this election actually
TG: its been fuckin ridiculous
TG: cant believe there are some people who have waited their whole lives to be able to vote and this is their first experience
TG: what happened to bernie man
TG: bernie was great
TG: i would vote for him
TG: if i were old enough to vote that is
TG: honestly i think its bullshit that we have to be 18 to vote
TG: doesnt this kind of stuff affect us too?
TG: you know what else is bullshit?
TG: the drinking age
TG: like yeah you can vote and go to war and…
TG: drive a car i guess
TG: but god forbid a 19 year old wants to go to a bar
TG: also that bullshit age limit doesn't do anything anyway
TG: most people start drinking in college
TG: if not sooner
TG: just look at roxy
EB: dave, what are you talking about?
TG: you know im not sure at this point
EB: its one in the morning and we have school tomorrow, why are you even up?
TG: dunno
TG: im kinda always up at this hour
TG: didnt think you would be
EB: i wasn't until my phone wouldn't shut up
TG: oh shit
EB: yeah
TG: well do you want me to go
TG: i can bug rose instead
EB: no, you don't have to
EB: just don't blame me if i'm not totally coherent
TG: alright dude whatever
EB: you said you were messaging me to keep your mind occupied?
TG: yeah
EB: um… occupied from what?
TG: nothing in particular
TG: im awake and im bored so i guess i was just rambling in the chat log
EB: i guess that's no different than what you usually do :P
TG: hey most of those aren't rambles
EB: oh, no, not at all
EB: especially not the 3 page rap about Armageddon
EB: after you made fun of me for even liking that movie
TG: i dont have to like a movie to rap about it
TG: its called irony
TG: the most ironic one to date was probably about princess bride
EB: you don't like princess bride? :O
TG: no because unlike you i have taste
EB: i have taste!
TG: dude you have a whole wall of macconnahey posters
EB: mcconaughey!
TG: sounds like a noise a horse would make
TG: ie dumb
TG: equally dumb are those posters of that clown youve got everywhere
EB: those are my dad's
TG: i meant nic cage
EB: no way man!
EB: cage is sweet
EB: so sweet
TG: yeah sure whatever
EB: don't you have a shitty webcomic to be making?
TG: sweet bro and hella jeff is the epitome of ironic humor
TG: and im procrastinating
EB: i thought you were working on the nancho party arc
TG: john
TG: i am truly touched by the fact that youre even keeping up with SBaHJ
TG: but i bailed on that partway through
EB: typical strider :P
TG: maybe i should get some sleep
TG: wouldnt want to mess up my coolkid reputation by saying something stupid from sleep deprivation
EB: yeah, it would be a shame if everyone knew what a dork you actually were
TG: no one's dorkier than you
TG: anyway see you later

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

John frowned. Dave had seemed all out of sorts, lately, and John wanted to help, but there wasn't much he could do if Dave didn't say anything about what was wrong. He was still feeling concerned for his friend the next morning, and he was sure it was showing.
"John?" Jane asked him at the breakfast table.
"Hmm?"
"You alright? You seemed all out of sorts for a moment, there." John glanced down at his plate. He'd been quietly mulling over his food, wrapped up in his own head.
"Oh. Yeah, I'm just… Dave was being weird last night."
Jane raised an eyebrow. "Care to elaborate?"
"Oh man, you sound like Rose when you say it like that," John sighed. "No, he wasn't very specific, but he was messaging me at like 1AM cause he wanted to get his mind off something else. Something is up…"
"Well, maybe I can talk to Dirk and see if anything is going on," Jane said, trying to ease some of John's tension.
"Hmm. Yeah, maybe. Dave won't just tell me about it." Jane patted John on the back, and the small act of reassurance lifted his spirits a bit.

Jane sat through her first class feeling mildly uncomfortable sitting next to Jake. The two hadn't spoken much since the Homecoming incident. Sure, Jake would ask her for help in class, but any time there was a suggestion for all four friends to hang out, Jake would bail in favor of spending time with Dirk, which Jane supposed was more Dirk's doing than Jake's, but she couldn't help but feel a bit forgotten. Still, Jane had to manage to find her voice before lunch, sitting across the table from Dirk and Jake, and cleared her throat a bit.
"Say, Dirk, can I ask you something?"
"Of course."
"John told me that Dave was messaging him late the other night, and he's been all… out of sorts, I suppose. John seems worried, is anything going on over there?"
Dirk was expressionless behind his pointed shades, quiet for a moment. "Nothing that I've… really been made aware of. It might be something between him and Bro, but fuck if either of them will tell me anything."
"Ah. Well, thanks anyway," Jane answered, smiling at Dirk a bit. Just then, her phone went off. "Oh! It's Roxy!" she said, opening the Facetime call.
"Janeyyyyy!" Roxy sang, grinning at her friend through the phone camera.
"Hi Roxy!" Jane answered, matching Roxy's enthusiasm.
"Janey go sit on the other side, I wanna see the boys!" Jane got up and switched to the other side of the table, managing to squeeze herself, Dirk, and Jake into the frame. "Hey everyone!" Roxy chirped again. "Okay, okay, I can't talk long but- get this. I am gonna throw a SICK Halloween party. Mom's gonna be gone, and I got some college buds with the hookup."
Jane and Dirk exchanged a glance, recalling their conversation from Homecoming.
"Top!" Jake exclaimed, jolting Jane out of her thoughts. "It's been a right shame not being able to do bugger all together." Dirk paused, then shrugged.
"He's got a point," Dirk said.
"Oh," Jane sighed, then smiled. "Sure, why not?

Jane wasn't the only one making Halloween plans. John was absentmindedly eating his lunch when Tavros began to say something. "Hey, guys, my parents are out of town," he said, "so I was thinking of, having a Halloween party, at my house maybe?"
Vriska let out a laugh. "That's ballsy, Tavros. What happens if you get in trouble?"
"Ummmm, I don't know… Rufioh's in charge."
"Ohhhhhhhh, no nosey neighbor babysitting this time?"
"I haven't seen Mr. Boxcars around the next couple days. I think it should be fine."
"That sounds really fun, Tavros," Terezi said. John thought he saw her nudge Vriska in the side, Vriska giving Terezi the smallest of scowls. "It's been a while since we all had a party."
"I've been meaning to host more!" Feferi said. "I think the holiday season will be better for parties at my house."
"Th- that's okay, Fef, you shouldn't have to host all the time," Tavros answered. "So, yeah, you guys are all invited over for Halloween."
"Halloween sucks, though," Sollux said. John looked up at Sollux, who was frowning a bit. Feferi glanced at Sollux as well. "Ah- fine," Sollux amended his statement. "Sounds like a plan then."
"Yeah?" Tavros asked. The conversation continued for a bit, John glancing over at Dave, Rose, and Jade, smiling at them. He was hoping the party would be fun.

John's Pesterchum went off not long after he got home.

arachnidsGrip [AG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

AG: Joooooooo
AG: oooooooo
AG: oooooooo
AG: oooooooo
AG: oooooooo
AG: oooooooo
AG: oooooooo
AG: oooooooohn.
EB: wow, that is a lot of 'o's
EB: i am reading that like a really long 'june'

AG: It is eight groups of eight. I specifically counted them out.
AG: It's sort of a thing I do.
EB: you typed my name in 64bit
AG: Wow. What a nerd!
EB: hey!
AG: Anyway, John, there was something very important I wanted to ask you.
EB: oh, what's that?
AG: Are you going to Tavdork's party?
EB: ummm, yeah i think so!
AG: Oh! Cause you never said anything at lunch today.
EB: i mean jade and rose and dave and i didn't have any plans so i don't see why we wouldn't go!
AG: Okay, cool!
EB: why did you ask?
AG: Just wanted to see if it was worth my time.
EB: so you wouldn't go if i wasn't?
AG: I don't know, I'd probably give it more of a second thought.
AG: Tavros and I don't have the best history.
EB: what do you mean?
AG: Well, there's some messy stuff in a lot of my friendships, actually.
AG: But let's not get into that right now.
AG: See you Monday ;)

arachnidsGrip [AG] has ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

John felt himself blushing as the last message appeared on the screen. He shut his laptop.

The next week went by pretty quickly, and soon it was Saturday- Halloween!- and John was digging a Ghostbuster costume out of his closet from the year before. He'd been half-tempted to go trick-or-treating for a bit and then go to the party, but that plan was dashed when Dave's bro offered to drive the four kids over to Tavros' place. They were some of the last guests to arrive, and the festivities had already arrived. Vriska's face lit up as she saw John come in the door.
"John!" she said, catching him off-guard with a tight hug. John was grateful the room was dim, so nobody could see how red his face turned, though he did hear his trio of friends snickering behind him. Vriska pulled away. "You're just in time; we're playing 7 Minutes in Heaven."
"Oh," John faltered. "Okay." He and Dave shuffled into place with the other boys as Rose and Jade crossed the room to the girls' side, Rose muttered something out of distaste. John gave Karkat a small wave as he entered the room behind Terezi, toting along Sollux with him.

"Vriska, please, this is so ridiculous," Sollux said, standing at the end of the line. "Besides, what the fuck has this got to do with Halloween?"

"Shut your lispy mouth, asshat," Vriska bit back. John was surprised at her aggression. "You don't have to play, but there's always the chance for some alone time with the freaky girl of your dreams." Sollux was quiet after that. "I have taken the liberty of putting all the ladies' names into this hat, and all the boys' into Terezi's. Tavros, if you would do the honors?" John looked on as Tavros fished a piece of paper out of Vriska's pirate hat.
"Um, Aradia…?" Tavros said. Vriska bustled over, quickly ushering Aradia into the closet. John couldn't help but feel as though something was odd about the whole thing. Vriska seemed overly excited as she drew another piece of paper out of Terezi's police cap.

"And our lucky guy is... Equius Zahhak!" Vriska grinned. The amount of puzzled faces only emphasized John's feeling that something weird was going on, and that feeling only grew as Sollux left the room. John couldn't help but notice Tavros tugging Vriska outside once Aradia and Equius emerged from the closet. The crowd slowly dissipated, and John morosely followed Dave, Rose, and Jade into the kitchen, despite wanting to wait for Vriska's return.

"Man was that awkward," Dave muttered to his friends. The four of them had overtaken Tavros' kitchen table, whereas most of the others were still puttering around the living room.
"Yeah," John answered. "There was something weird about that. Did you see how everyone reacted when Equius' name was called?"
Dave and Rose exchanged a glance before Rose spoke. "I believe Dave meant the nature of the game itself."
"Yeah, I just mean," Dave started, sounding a bit hesitant. "I don't see why it even has to be split by gender." John raised an eyebrow. "Listen, all I'm saying is not everybody is into the opposite gender, and we shouldn't assume that."
"Dave, are you… are you gay?" John asked, finally beginning to understand what was happening.
"Man, I wouldn't say that. I'm into girls, but I wouldn't mind dating a guy. I 'unno."
"So… you're bi?"
"Don't try and put a label on it, Egbert. I'm just saying, people are attractive. Why limit myself to one or the other?"
John wasn't sure how to react. He didn't mind, he didn't think of it as a negative thing, but it certainly was a surprise. After a moment, he simply shrugged. "Okay, Dave, I guess that makes sense."

Rose smiled. "It seems a certain propensity for a… lack of heterosexuality runs in the family, dear cousin."
"Yeah, Lalonde, I know. You're gay as shit," Dave said, smirking at her. John yet again found himself caught off guard.
"What?"
"Dude, Rose is the biggest lesbian to ever lesbian."
"Dave! Try having a little tact!" Jade chirped. "You're going to give John a heart attack."
John looked from Dave to Rose to Jade and back. "Wait, Jade, you knew?" he asked.
"Yeah… we all knew about each other except for you."
"To be fair, John," Rose started, "I only drug it out of Dave recently, and that was only due to uncanny knowledge of his mind through familial bonds. And Jade has been having her own problems."
"Jade, you're not straight either?" John asked.
"Well… I don't know! I've been doing a lot of reading, and I don't really know about sexuality! But, the romantic spectrum is a whole different thing, and I think I might be aromantic! I don't know for sure, but that's how I feel right now."
John frowned a bit, despite not really being all that upset. "So… what you guys are telling me is that I'm the only straight person out of the four of us?"
"Yeah, I guess," Jade said.
"Guess you're the token straight friend," Dave said, smirking the slightest bit. "And… don't look now, but I'm pretty sure most of Karkat's friends aren't quite straight either." John had a passing thought of Vriska, but shrugged it off. Whether she defined herself as straight or not, she'd shown interest. He shrugged it off and enjoyed the rest of the party.

Jane was nervous about Roxy's party. Not only was it her first time going to a rager-type party, but she was also a bit wary about driving herself there. Jane was sure Roxy would let her stay the night if she needed to, but Jane wasn't planning on getting "hella drunk", as Roxy would say.
She pulled up to Roxy's house to find about two dozen cars, starting in the Lalonde driveway and spilling out into the street. She found a spot to park around the corner, adjusted her costume—a store-bought "candy corn witch"—as she walked up to the door, and let herself inside. The party was in full swing, including a DJ and absolutely ridiculous strobe lights. Jane walked in with a bout of hesitation and made her way into the kitchen, setting up her cupcakes for the drunken crowd before beginning to search around for Roxy. Thankfully, the search didn't take long, as Roxy was the one to find Jane.
"Janeyyyyyy~!" Roxy sang, drunkenly making her way through the dancing mob of people in her living room. Jane looked up, spotting Roxy in the most obnoxiously pink and purple costume she'd ever seen; it entailed furry legwarmers, a dangerously short tutu, a corset that looked the slightest bit too tight, and a fuzzy hat with ears. Jane presumed it was a Cheshire Cat costume, or something of that ilk. "Janey Janey JANEYYY!" Roxy called again, all but stumbling into a hug.
"Uh, hi, Roxy!" Jane said. "You know, when you said you were having a party, I didn't think you meant quite this many people."
"Is a college party, Jan. Jane."
"Right…" Jane noticed the girl on the other side of the room who looked like she felt about as lost as Jane did. She was watching her and Roxy, looking as though Roxy had abandoned her there. "Uh, Roxy?" Jane said, pointing towards the girl.
"Ohhhhhh man! I'm the fuggin' wrost, Jane. Youuuu haven't met Callieeee!" Roxy turned away, waving across the room. "CALLIE! YO CALLIE! OVER HERE!" she shouted over the music. The girl looked up, a bit startled, and began making her way across the room as well. "Callie, this is my bes frienddd in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD, Miss Janey Crockett. Crocker. Jane, thisss is the coolest tri—chick at Sakaia U, Calliope… um. Callie, whas… whas your last name again? Oh, oh, nevermind, I 'member, is Bennett… right?"
"Oh, yes, that's correct!" Callie said. Jane was a bit surprised to hear what she believed to be a posh British accent come out of Callie's mouth. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Jane. Roxy's told me so much about you!"
"Oh, yeah, it's nice to meet you too, Callie," Jane said, feeling a bit more at ease. Callie was friendly, and based on her skeleton costume, she had some real skill with makeup, though Jane was internally alarmed by how skinny Callie was, and not in a healthy way. Callie looked frail, but Jane didn't want to say anything, at risk of seeming rude. "Roxy, are the boys here yet?"
"Aww yeh, they're upstairs. Dirky felt jus a teensy bit overwhelmed by the party. YOU ladies… shoul' get a drink," Roxy said, grinning. Callie and Jane both had the same response, which was to tell Roxy that it wasn't necessary, only for Roxy to absolutely insist. "It's a party, guys! One drink…inn't gonna hurt ennybody."
"Well, um, I suppose not," Callie said. "Maybe something small and light."
"I've got just teh thing for you, Callie," Roxy said. "I 'unno wha you want, Janey... you can come mix a drink." Roxy puttered into her kitchen, Jane slowly following. She stood quietly, feeling out of place as Roxy stumbled around, pouring a glass of white wine—Jane assumed it was for Callie. Roxy paused, setting the glass on the counter and investigating the cupcake platter Jane had set up. A few had been taken, and one cupcake had at some point landed face-down on the counter, leaving a smear of frosting. "Jane, come onnnnn, pour somethin!" Roxy implored her even further.
"Oh, right," Jane said. She opened Roxy's fridge, peering inside and finding herself a jug of orange juice. She poured a glass and added a splash of vodka, making what was probably the world's weakest screwdriver, knowing Roxy wouldn't approve of the ratio, but simply hoping she was already too inebriated to notice. "So how'd you meet Callie?"
"Ohhhh, we in the same… Lenglish class. And… Jane. I gotta… I gotta tell ya somethin'. Callie… she's so. Cute."
"She is rather adorable."
"No. Jane. She cute. Like. I wanna… I wanna kiss her cute lil face. I've never felt so friggin' gay in my life."
"Roxy…gay?"
"Psshttt, gay… bi… whatevskies," Roxy said, blithely unaware that she hadn't actually come out to Jane yet. Jane was struck with the sudden realization that Roxy's declaration made her the only straight person in the group. Roxy grinned, picking up Callie's wine glass in one hand and her own drink in the other hand, ushering Jane back out of the kitchen. The two girls rejoined with Callie, Roxy thrusting the glass into her hand before downing the remains in her own cup and snatching the microphone from the DJ booth. "Yo, lez do some fucking shots on the rocks! Rocks like Rox, like me like BODY SHOTS!" The crowd erupted into screams, and Jane got a sudden feeling that it was going to be a very long night.

Jane's feeling was correct, as the evening didn't end before Roxy's head wound up in the toilet. She'd hardly seen Dirk and Jake, as she was trying to make sure Roxy didn't do anything ridiculously stupid, but it hardly seemed to matter.
"Ugh. I think… I overdid it tonight, Jane," Roxy grumbled.
"That's for sure. It takes a lot to make you get sick."
"Ahah, it was fun though!"
"Roxy… do you ever think you have a problem?"
Roxy sat up, wiping the spit away from the corner of her mouth. "I might. I wanna… be better. But is… hard."
"I know…"
"I wanna quit, Jane."
Jane wasn't sure how to respond, and it hardly mattered, because Roxy lurched forward towards the toilet bowl again, letting out another bout of vomit before a drunken laugh escaped her lips. "Roxy, you should go lay down," Jane said, picking her up. She let Roxy lean against her as they stumbled down the hall together to Roxy's bedroom, Jane struggling to hold both their weight. She had to force Roxy onto the bed. "I'm going to get you a glass of water."
"Hmmmkay!"
Jane made her way back downstairs to do so, the party having died down a bit. Callie was on the couch, seeming a bit more comfortable and making conversation with a boy who seemed only slightly inebriated, but she spotted Jane in the kitchen and approached her.
"Hello, dear! How's Roxy?"
"She's really done a number on herself. I… I'm sorry," she muttered.
"Oh, no, don't be! To be honest, she shows up to class tipsy half the time, so I'm not quite surprised."
"Oh dear."
"Yes, it is quite a problem. I think she wants to quit, but—"
"She does."
"Good!" Callie chirped. Jane smiled at the girl, and the two both went back upstairs to tend to Roxy. Jane opened the bedroom door and let out a sigh, leaving the glass of water on Roxy's nightstand. She'd passed out.