Author: Feather (Flightf)

Warnings: Spoilers all the way through Twelve Sharp.

Disclaimers: I own nothing…JE owns it all….I will return everything when I am finished. I am basing the strip aerobics on two programs Shelia Kelly's the S Factor and Carmen Electra's Aerobic Striptease.

Rating (K-M) M

A/N: This is the 1st story in my Pole Dancers Diary Series. Reviews and comments always welcome.

Chapter 3: Can I shoot the answering machine and just say it blew up?

Hi, this is Stephanie. If this is my Mom, a girlfriend, a Merry Man, Joe or Ranger, please leave a message. If you are a psycho, stalker, murderer, there's nobody home. Have a nice day. Beep

"Stephanie Plum! This is your mother! What kind of message was that? What if one of the neighbors calls you? What will people think? Why me? I know you're listening! Answer this phone! Stephanie… long pause Come to dinner tonight, I'm making a nice fudge cake. 6pm sharp". Beep

I hit the delete button immediately. Why my mother felt the need to tell me it's her was beyond me. She had been my mother for 30 years; I would think by now that it would be obvious that I would know the sound of her voice. And telling me what time dinner was served? Had I suddenly gone brain dead without knowing it? I was beginning to wonder if she had been visited that cabinet next to the sink too much.

"Babe." Beep

I guessed that was call me in Ranger speak or I guessed it could be questioning my new message. Oh well.

I reached up into the cabinet to get out the jar of peanut butter and the loaf of bread. The next message started with a pop of bubblegum and then a board voice started speaking.

"This is Sandy from Pleasures Treasures. I'm calling to let you know about our special sale for frequent customers. Buy one get one free on the new Up All Night Male enhancement drug. Why use Viagra and have to wait 30 minutes to 4 hours when you can take Up All Night and have faster results. Up All Night is made by a top-secret herb discovered by the famous Chinese scientists Long Duc Dong. Stop in today for your free sample." Beep

Damn and double damn at the mention of frequent customer! I had dropped the jar of peanut butter and it had bounced off the loaf of bread and landed on the edge of my foot. I reached over the counter and slapped the delete button. All the while muttering to myself about somehow becoming a frequent customer to an adult shop. I guess it was Caroline Scarzolli's way of getting even. I was bending over to retrieve my jar off peanut butter off the floor when Morelli's voice blared from the machine.

"Cupcake, I was just calling to check in. I should be home by the end of the month. I will be out of touch but if you need something leave me a message. I'll be checking them."

I was standing with the door to the refrigerator trying to find my olives when the message that I had been dreading started.

"Hey Girl. I know you thought that you could just avoid me and get out of this but it doesn't work that way. I'm going to pick you up at 4pm. Our class starts at 6. So with the 30-minute drive that will give us time to stop and eat. A girl has got to have fuel to strip. And you had better be dressed and waiting. You know I really like you and I wouldn't want to piss off Batman by putting a cap in your ass. Catch you later."

I let out a long sigh and threw my uneaten sandwich in the trash; I had managed to avoid Lula all week and hoping that I could just use the" I forgot" excuse and buy her a bucket of chicken for an apology. I guessed it was finally time to open the damn bag. I reached into the refrigerator and grabbed a bottle of beer; I was going to need it. I decided the best place to open it would be the bedroom so I nudged the bag with my foot. Inch by inch it slowly made it's way to the bedroom. I sat down in the middle of the floor with the bag between my legs. I opened the beer and took a long draw. As I put the beer onto the nightstand behind me I could hear the bag taunting me.

"Chicken, chicken, I'm calling you out.

You're such a big baby, all you do is pout.

You're a big 'fraidy cat, But everyone can see

You have yellow feathers, cause you're afraid of me!"

Just when I thought that it was finished, it started again

"Chicken, chicken cluck cluck cluck

You're a baby, we all can see

You're a big baby and you just suck.

You should be on your mama's knee.

You're a chicken, yup, yup yup.

Cause you're afraid to open me up."

Why, oh why, didn't I bring my gun in here? I swear, I was just going to shoot it!

Finally after I stared at the bag until it stopped talking to me; I opened it a little wider and looked inside. The bag had the black hole effect. I could tell that there was stuff in there but I couldn't make out what they were. What was I supposed to do now? I wasn't going to reach into it blindly, who knows what's in this bag. Two more beers later, I decided to just pick the bag up and dump it all in the floor. I picked the bag up and turned it upside down and began to shake it. Stuff was flying out everywhere.

When I was finally convinced that the bag was empty, I threw the bag against the door with a thunk. I sat down in my spot on the floor and surveyed what was considered the beginners kit for level One at The Strip Factor and broke out in a cold sweat.

This was going to be rougher than I originally thought.

Oh boy.