"I'm gonna die alone," he moans into the phone in lieu of a greeting.

"Bad date?" Monica asks sympathetically.

"The worst," Chandler sighs dramatically. "It started out great. We go out for drinks and she's unbelievable. I've never met anyone like her. She's had the most amazing life. She was even in the Israeli army!" He says in disbelief rattling off his date's many accomplishments. "We talked till like 2 in the morning."

"Really?" Monica asks surprised.

"I know! I couldn't believe it either!"

"So what was the problem? Did she pronounce it supposably or something?" With Chandler there was always bound to be some problem.

"Turns out she was married."

"No! She was married and she went out on a date with you?" Monica who had been only half attending to Chandler up till this point, now gives him her full attention, "That's so twisted!"

"That's not even the bad part," he tells her sadly.

"How is her being married to another guy not the bad part?"

"Her husband's name is Rick," he explains miserably.

Monica waits a beat for him to continue but presses when she's met with only silence, "So?"

"Rick, Monica. Rick!" He repeats, as if yelling this fact is somehow supposed to make it meaningful to her.

"Sooo?" She repeats impatiently.

"Sooo," he mimics her mocking tone before elaborating, "Rick rhymes with Nick! She tells me this and all of a sudden all I can think about is Kathy and I'm having a panic attack right there in the bar."

"Well that sounds like a dream date compared to my night," she retorts, a little less sympathetic to his plight now that he's recounted exactly what went awry with his latest dating attempt.

"Why? What happened?" He asks, curious.

"Doctor Roger spent half the evening talking about the intestinal parasites I may have contracted from the oysters I ordered."

"Oof. That's rough. No wonder we're both staying in tonight. So what are you doing now?"

"Watching television. Die Hard's on channel 12," she adds, knowing he'll want to watch along.

"Nice, a holiday classic!" She hears him fumble a bit on his end before he comes back on the line. "Got it. Yippee ki-yay mother fu-" he begins the quote in his best Bruce Willis impression before she cuts short his obscenity.

"Chandler," She groans, half in remonstration and half in amusement.

"Jeez. Sorry, Mom," he replies petulantly.

"Excuse me?"

He must hear the bite in her tone because he quickly amends himself, "I said, sorry Mon…ica you beautiful, intelligent, talented goddess woman."

"That's better."

The 2 fall into a companionable silence as they continue to watch the movie together over the phone.

"So I'm thinking of talking like Hans Gruber on all my future dates," Chandler chimes in, never one to let a silence last long.

"I'm going to count to 3. There will not be a 4. Give me your phone number. " He says in a heavy German accent.

Monica's giving him nothing, not even a chuckle, so he tries again, "I am an exceptional dinner date. And now that I am moving on to dancing, you should be more polite."

"Are you done?" She asks him, voice completely devoid of amusement.

"Now I've got your answering machine. Ho, ho, ho. Okay that one doesn't really work." He admits.

"Yeah, I'm not sure the Gruber thing is such a good idea."

"Can't make things much worse," he sighs dejectedly returning his attention to the movie, which has reached its action packed denouement. "Now look at this," he says excitedly, as a sweaty, blood covered Bruce Willis sends Alan Rickman to his death and gathers Bonnie Bedelia into his arms. "Do you think there's any chance Kathy's theater will be taken over by international thieves posing as terrorists and I'll be able to win her back with my devotion and manliness? Don't answer that." He adds quickly a second later realizing he's set her up for about a million excellent jokes at his expense.

Thankfully Monica let's his comment slide, instead proclaiming with a little whine, "Look at how in love they are," as the couple kiss passionately on her television screen.

"I know," he agrees. "Remember when you tried to tell me this wasn't a romantic film."

"When did I say that? I never said that," she protests.

"Yes you did, on the flight to Las Vegas. Don't you remember? We fought about it the whole trip!"

"I never said that," she repeats.

"Fine. You never said it." He reluctantly agrees, more interested in avoiding the argument than really believing her. Then in an attempt to change the subject he adds, "So are you excited about next weekend?"

"I don't know. Didn't you say this friend of yours was kind of dumb? And slutty?"

"He's not dumb. He's uncomplicated. That's a good thing. And he's good with women, sure. But lately he's been wanting to settle down. He keeps saying he wants to have the closeness with someone, whatever that means. He's a good guy."

Monica gives an audible sigh on the other end of the line, suggesting she's still not sold on the idea so he continues, "Look, you're one of my best friends and Joey's one of my best friends. And if by some chance you two could hit it off, we could all be friends together. What could be better than that?"

"Yeah, okay," Monica concedes reluctantly, "Well, so how about you? Are you excited about going out with Rachel?"

"I don't know," Chandler tells her worriedly. "Are you sure Ross is okay with this? I mean he's been obsessed with this girl since college. I had to hear about how straight her teeth were for 4 years, for crying out loud."

"Ross is getting married in 6 months. He better be okay with Rachel seeing whomever she wants," Monica declares. "And like you said," she adds softer, "you two are my best friends. It would be great if you got together."

"Okay, alright," he concedes. "Let's double date!"

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"So I don't really think Joey's got a toothache," he tells her in apology as the 2 sit alone at the table for 4 in the crowded Chinese restaurant. They hadn't even made it past appetizers, before their respective dates had not so subtly excused themselves to run off together. He's annoyed with Joey, but more than anything he's angry with himself for contributing to Monica's ever growing list of bad dates, however inadvertently.

"Yeah," she agrees. "And I know for a fact Rachel didn't go home to feed her cat," she tells him bitterly.

"Oh, yeah? How do you know that?"

"She doesn't have one." This makes Chandler chuckle and the sound must be contagious because she finds herself laughing at Rachel's imaginary cat as well.

"I didn't even know Rachel watched Days of our Lives," she tells him once she's gotten her mirth under control. "Who knew she was such a fan of Dr. Drake Ramoray," she affects a posh accent in recounting Joey's television persona that sends Chandler into another fit of giggles.

"I know, right!" He exclaims. "How am I supposed to compete with the famous Dr. Ramoray? He's like the best neurosurgeon in Salem!"

This has Monica laughing again, though she thinks there may be a little bit of real dejection behind Chandler's merriment so she adds, "I really am sorry, Chandler."

"Oh please," he assures her with a shrug. "I'm used to women choosing Joey over me. It's like second nature to me by now. In fact I should probably get her breakfast order from you now for tomorrow morning. How does she like her eggs?"

He's hoping to get her laughing again with this, but instead she just answers solemnly, "Maybe it's a good thing he didn't like me. I'd just end up one of the many women sitting having coffee with you the next morning while he snored away."

"Okay 1st off, I'm not thrilled by the way you dismissed having coffee with me," he smirks at her.

"You know what I mean," she tells him.

"And secondly, I don't think many of these women go home disappointed."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean Joey and I share a wall. I'm pretty sure these women are having an okay time. A better time than they'd have with me anyhow," he adds, and she thinks she can hear that real sadness in his voice again.

"Don't say that. I bet you're fine in bed," she reassures him.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he concedes. "It's nice. It's adequate. But I want to be better than nice, you know? I want to go from nice to Oh my God someone's killing her in there! Do you know the other night, Joey made a woman meow?"

"He made a woman meow?" She asks, impressed. "Okay now I'm sorta starting to regret him leaving with Rachel."

"Told you," Chandler says dejectedly.

"Look I can help you." Her offer is met with a joking leer so she adds, "Not like that, pervert. Get your head out of the gutter."

"Here," she takes a pad of paper and pen from her purse and begins to draw the female form. "You know about the 7 erogenous zones, right?

"Of course I know about the erogenous zo-," he answers automatically before stopping in surprise. "Wait. What? There are 7?"

"Um, yeah," she tells him beginning to label her drawing.

Chandler shifts uncomfortably in his seat as he listens to his very beautiful, but very platonic friend relay detailed instructions for how to pleasure a woman. His discomfort and embarrassment grow as she herself seems to become a bit too invested in her lesson, a light sheen of sweat breaking out on her lily-white skin. As she reaches the pinnacle of her lesson she let out a rather loud and breathy exclamation indicating the last and most important zone, "Seven, seven, seven!"

"She's really excited about #7," he tells a pair of older ladies who's attention has been attracted by Monica's display. "You get the Kung Pao and egg rolls for $5.99." He tells them indicating the special on his menu.

"Are you finished?" He whispers furiously at his friend, who just grins contentedly back at him from across the table.

He finds himself grinning as well despite himself as he hears the women at the table beside them ordering their #7 specials as well.

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"I really want to thank you for taking me out tonight," Monica tells him as they sway together across the dance floor. They're ringing in the New Year at the museum this year thanks to invitations to the annual swanky black tie event procured by Ross. While her friends had readily accepted, Pheebs excited to have a chance to be in the exhibits after hours and Rachel excited to show off her new celebrity boyfriend, Monica had dreaded going stag. Luckily Chandler was just as dateless for the evening so they've decided to come together. "I don't think I could have stomached spending New Year's Eve alone," she admits.

"Forget it," he tells her easily. "Consider it a standing offer. If either of us ever don't have a date for New Year's Eve, we'll get together and celebrate."

"Why won't I have a date next New Year's Eve?" She asks panicked. "Oh my God. Do you think I won't find anyone for a whole year!"

"No, no." He assures her, realizing too late that he's said just the wrong thing to set her off. "I said if, if we don't have dates." He tugs her to his chest once more and rubs her back comfortingly. "I'm sure you'll have a date by then. Who wouldn't want you?"

This seems to console her, and she heaves a heavy sigh and wraps her arms around his waist once more as they continue to move in time to the music.

As she tucks her head into his shoulder, he brings his arms tighter around her small waist and gives a contented sigh of his own. Their dancing has stilled to nothing more than a gentle sway as they stand embracing on the dance floor. "This is nice," he tells her.

"I know. It is, isn't it?" She agrees. She pulls away just enough to look into his eyes, just as the revelers around them begin the countdown to the New Year.

"10-9-8-7-6…"

"No, I mean it, this feels really good. Is it 100% silk?" He asks, pulling further from her to indicate the fabric of her gown.

"5-4-3…"

"Yeah," she tells him with a grin. "And I got it on sale, too!"

"2-1…" The crowd around them bursts into triumphant shouts of "Happy New Year!"

"That's my girl," he tells her, bending down to give her a quick friendly kiss on the lips. "Happy New Year, Monica."

"Happy New Year, Chandler."

They smile happily at one another for a moment, before being interrupted by a handsome young man who taps Chandler politely on the shoulder.

"Excuse me," he begins. "I was wondering if I might cut in and ask your lovely partner here for a dance?"

"Of course," Chandler agrees stepping aside to allow Monica to speak with her potential dance partner. "She and I are just goofing around." As he steps away towards the bar he leans over to whisper in her ear, "Looks like you may not need me next year after all."