I woke with a start the next morning. The temperature of the room had grown immensely colder, reminding me that the harshness of winter was coming our way the next few days. I skipped my bath and just threw my hair up in a ponytail, then got dressed in an outfit consisting of mainly furs and leather with a hood to cover my ears should I go outside.
The guards and servants dipped their heads in greeting as I walked to Lexa's room. I opened the doors to find the Heda still fast asleep, very unusual and unexpected of her if I knew better that she was ill. I closed the doors and went over to her bed, putting my hand on her head to check her temperature. Her forehead was still warm but not near as hot and covered with sweat as it was yesterday. I sat down in the same chair I had put by her bedside the previous night and reached for her hand. Lexa's body flinched a little and I stopped, thinking maybe I woke her. When she showed no other signs of being awake, I took her hand in my mine and traced the outline of some scars that danced across her skin. I lost track of time as I sat there in silence, caressing the skin of the Commander's hand. It felt like hours when a raspy voice broke the morning stillness.
"What are you doing here so early?" I jumped and looked up to see cloudy green eyes staring right at me. I didn't bother to let go of her hand.
"How long have you been awake?" I asked. She shrugged.
"Only for a few minutes." She sat up slowly, a slight cough escaping her lips as she rubbed her arms. "I can see it has become colder since last night." I nodded and went over to her window, shoving the sliding glass doors closed to keep some of the cold out, then came back over to the bed. Lexa watched my every move.
"How did you sleep?" She stretched a bit, giving me a slight shiver with the noise that she made.
"I slept rather well, thank you. I am feeling much better today, however I am still feeling weak." She coughed again.
"Yeah, that's to be expected the next few days after the fever you had. I'm glad you're feeling better though. I just wanted to stop by before I headed out for the healer's place. I didn't go last night like I should have." Lexa nodded then looked up at me.
"Thank you for staying with me last night until I fell asleep. It was nice to hear stories about your past life in space. Perhaps I could hear more?" I bit my lip before answering.
"I don't see why not. I'll come check on you again around lunch time." As I backed up to head out the door, Lexa's hand found its place on my cheek. She kept her eyes locked with mine as she rubbed my cheek with her thumb.
"Have a good day, Clarke. Thank you for taking care of me." Her hand dropped and she lay back down, her back to me. I stood there for a moment before I eventually left the room.
"Where were you yesterday? We were expecting you to come in last night." Rin said. I glanced up from my work to see the healer staring down at me. I sighed.
"I had a meeting with our Heda. It went a bit longer than I thought. Sorry." She grunted then walked over to where a kid was sitting, waiting to get some stitches out. I continued with bandaging the arm of a lady who had come in that morning.
With all the work in the tent done, Rin and I sat down to enjoy a break while watching kids run back and forth in the streets with a ball.
"Hey, Rin?" I began. Her signature grunt let me know I had her attention. "Why didn't you ever get married and have kids?" The older woman looked at me.
"Some people are just meant to be alone. I never met someone who I felt I would be happy with for the remainder of my life. I am content in what I do. My service is to my Heda." She chuckled. "How about you, Sky Girl? Has some lucky man caught your eye?"
I pondered on the thought a bit. No man in Arkadia nor Polis had ever made me feel as if I would like to get to know them more than just friends. Then again, my thoughts drifted to the Commander. I never gave much thought if I would like to spend my life with Lexa, since there seemed to be no romantic feelings between us. That is, until this morning when I was content holding her hand and until I felt a spark when her thumb caressed my cheek. Or perhaps the kiss that was shared between us in her war tent. I chewed on my bruised lip, that day seemed like years ago. I heard Rin clear her throat.
"Ah, I see. Someone indeed has caught your eye. Care to share with an old woman such as myself?" I shook my head. It wouldn't be a good idea to tell her a was slightly smitten by her Heda.
"No. There's no one. I mean, there used to be but not anymore." I hated lying to Rin but to protect Lexa was my first thought. She seemed satisfied with that answer, because soon the conversation was dropped and we slipped back into comfortable silence.
Lunch came quickly and soon I was heading up the Summit to check on Lexa. At first I didn't see Lexa but then when I turned to leave she came out of the bathroom. Her hair was wet from her bath and fresh clothes covered her body. She gave me a slight smile when she saw me standing in her doorway.
"Right on time. How has your day been so far?" Her voice sounded tired. I came over to her and pretended to check her temperature but really all I wanted was to feel her soft skin beneath my fingertips. After playing with her hand this morning, touching her felt like an addicting drug.
"It was very busy. Lots of people needing medical attention but no serious injuries. How about you? Did you sleep most of the morning?"
"A little. I have mainly been reading over on my couch. One can only lay in bed for so long before they become restless." She walked over to her couch and took a seat, an opened book beside her. The afternoon light made her hair shine and her skin more so. I swallowed and went to join her, but with a few inches in between us. We both decided we were hungry and had some servants bring lunch to the room. We ate a filling meal with bread, cheese, and hog meat with water to chase it all down. After our meal was finished, we sat together and enjoyed the afternoon in silence. Lexa read her book and I took up drawing her. Occasionally we spoke but mostly we sat quietly, simply enjoying each others company.
Hours past before I noticed Lexa had dosed off. I smiled and quickly flipped to a new page so I could quickly sketch her. It wasn't often that Lexa looked so delicate and soft, quietly dosing the afternoon away. With my sketch complete, I simply sat and gazed upon her. Her face was clear of war paint and any type of blemish, lips slightly pursed as she slept, eyes slowly moving under her eyelids. I wanted to reach out and run my fingers through her thick, brown hair. Before I could, however, I jumped up and walked across the room.
No, this wasn't right. I still hadn't completely forgiven Lexa for what she did at the mountain. I couldn't accept that I was feeling this way towards her. I looked back over to where Lexa was sleeping on the couch. My heart gave a little jerk when she gave out a slight moan in her sleep. Adorable. No... No... I couldn't take this. I had to get out of there.
I raced to the door way, but just when I was reaching for the door-handle, I heard a slight whisper come from the other side of the room.
"Where are you going?" Lexa's eyes were halfway open, looking straight at me. I felt a chill down my spine as I quickly thought up a lie.
"I was just going out for some fresh air. I didn't want to wake you. I'll come back in a little bit, okay?" She stared at me for a few moments, then her eyes slowly shut once more. I slipped out the door.
It had been hours since I left Lexa's room. After I had stopped by my room for my sword and hood, I exited the Summit and wounded down the streets of Polis and headed straight for the south gates. The guards barely glanced my way when I walked passed them and out into the woods. I adjusted the sword on my back, thrust my hands in my pockets, and started stomping through the undergrowth.
I had found a small clearing about a mile from Polis where I stopped to take a breath. There I sat listening to the rustling of the leaves and the soft chirping of the birds. Thinking I was alone, I began to cry.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" I grabbed my sword and pointed it at the direction of the voice. There stood Octavia, someone I hadn't seen since the ceremony almost a month ago. She had dark war paint streaks down her face, hair in tight braids that showed the broadness of her face, her outfit all dark green armor padding complete with gloves and knee-high war boots. She swatted at the end of my sword. "Calm down. I was just passing through and saw you blubbering like a baby by a tree." She plopped down in front of me, took out a small sack and withdrew two apples, one which she handed to me. I nodded a thank you as I took a bite.
"Why are you coming through Trikru territory? I thought you were home in Arkadia?" She shook her head with an expression of disgust.
"You're not the only one that doesn't belong there, you know. I haven't been there for about two weeks. Lincoln and I have taken up residence in a village nearby." I chewed on my apple a bit, rolling the information around in my head.
"So you're not Skikru anymore?" She glared at me then returned to looking away into the distance.
"I'm not anything. I'm simply Octavia. You never answered my question. Why are you out here crying like a baby?" I thought if I should tell her the truth. Octavia and I had never been close friends and someone as unstable as herself couldn't be trusted with secrets most of the time. Then again, who did I have to talk to about something like crushing on the Commander of the Grounders? I took a deep breath and made my decision.
"I think I might be falling for Lexa." Octavia raised an eyebrow.
"So? What's the big deal?" She huffed.
"You know as well as I do that the Heda isn't allowed to have affections for anyone. I don't want to put her in danger. Everyone knows the peace we have at the moment is not exactly permanent." I stated. Octavia gave me a long blank stare and then, to my surprise, smiled.
"And you know as well as I do that falling for a grounder in general is a terrible idea, yet here we are." She spread out her hands and then continued, "Look. We all know that the Commander has feelings for you, even if she doesn't want to show it. Times are difficult, yes, but they're never going to get better so why try seeking out a way to make it all better? If anything, being with the Heda will make her safer. She fights hard for the people she loves, I've seen it. Indra has told me stories of Lexa going all berserk when people she cares for are threatened. You might just awaken a dead fire inside of her. Goodness knows, we could use a Commander that has a fire burning deep in her stomach." She finished and stood up, reaching for my hand. I hesitated, then took it, standing up with Octavia studying me.
"I'm not saying run back and sleep with her, I'm just saying maybe you should give her a chance. I did that with Lincoln and well... I couldn't be any happier. He's my other half. I don't really care for Lexa after what she did at the mountain but then again, we've all done things we're not proud of and blaming her for doing what was right for her people would be selfish of us. After all, we burned most of her people when we first landed here because we thought it would be the best for our people and she forgave you for that." She patted my shoulder before pulling her bag on her shoulder and heading off in the direction she was originally going.
"Hey, Octavia?" She stopped and turned around. "It was good seeing you." She looked at the ground, then looked up with a smirk.
"Bye, Clarke." With that, the girl was gone.
In the Heda's Chambers...
I woke again to find Clarke still gone. She had not returned after she told me she was going outside to get fresh air. I was highly curious where she went off to and why she did not return to my room, but I did not want to pressure her. It was not like I had any claim over what Clarke did and I did not want her to feel as if I was being too overbearing. I sighed and moved off the couch to go stand by the window. The sun had started its descend signaling the ending of the day. Wherever the Sky Girl was, I hoped she was safe and within Polis' walls.
A knock on the door told me the servant bringing my dinner had arrived. I told her to enter, and after a few moments I had a full dinner spread out on my table in the room. My stomach growled in hunger when the smell of freshly smoked meat reached my nose. I sat and started eating, hoping my stomach would be able to handle the food. I was feeling much better, but my body was still feeling slightly weak and tired. Regardless, I told myself, I had to return to my duties tomorrow. I had taken two days off from my people and that was two days too long for me.
I finished eating and decided that I would take a walk around the floor I lived on. I had made a promise to Clarke that I would not leave the Summit, so I made sure to stay close to my room. However, after a few minutes of walking I found myself in my throne room. I had not expected what I saw when I walked into the room. There, sitting on my throne was Clarke, her head resting in her hands. I took a breath then started to walk slowly towards her, not wanting to startle her.
"I was not aware that when you meant fresh air you meant my throne room. If that was the case, I would have looked here hours ago." Her face glanced up at mine and my heart and feet froze. Her eyes were puffy as if she had been crying, her hair around her face sticking to the sides of her cheeks. I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Clarke, are you okay? What is the matter?" She wiped her face.
"I was just thinking over some stuff. Nothing too serious. I actually did go outside today for a walk but I ended up here when I came back. I didn't know if you were still asleep or not." I kept my distance from her as I came up the steps leading to my throne and sat down on the top step. I made sure my body was far enough from her legs.
"What are you thinking about? Is there anything I could help with? Perhaps I could summon Ezra?" I knew that Clarke had a close friendship with the servant girl and if that would make her feel better speaking to her instead of me, I would call for the servant. Clarke shook her head.
"No, it's okay. I actually was wondering if I could talk to you. It kind of involves you." I waited patiently for her to continue. "I feel like I have been pushing you away these last few weeks. For a time, I was still horribly furious with you after what you did at Mt. Weather. I wanted to hate you, but I couldn't bring myself to do that... Today I ran into Octavia and we talked for a while about you, about us." My jaw clenched when I sensed where this was going. "I know that I'm not ready for anything. I don't know if I want to be with anyone right now, I've already told you that. I also know that it's not something normal for the Heda to have someone they're close with but, if you're willing, I want to try maybe starting something." She looked into my eyes. "I know how you feel about me, Lexa, and I don't want you to have to pretend anything different. I'm not saying I feel the same way all together but, I'm willing to try if you are. Maybe just starting slow and see where we end up. It could be secret too if that's what you wish. What do you think?" Tears were streaking down her face again.
I stood up and starting pacing around the room, Clarke's eyes were locked on me the whole time. I tried thinking about all the possibilities about being with Clarke or even having a close relationship with her. I knew what I had been trained to think and how to live, but I also knew that times were different and Clarke was here to stay. I did not want to think about what could happen to her if people were to find out my feelings for the Sky Girl, but I also did not want to think about having to pretend for another day that there was nothing in my heart for her. I stopped pacing and looked over at Clarke, who was still in the same position as before, looking at me with those bright blue eyes. Looking into those eyes was like cliff-diving into the ocean, free and alive but also reckless and full of unknown territory. I walked over to her and softly, but firmly reached down and placed my hand under her jawbone and lifted her head up. I could feel her swallow against my hand.
"I do know how I feel for you, Clarke. You are different from your people and even from my own people. I can never make up for what happened at Mt. Weather, but I can promise that I will never betray you again. I swore fealty to you, after all. I do not think that it is a good idea we are together publicly for now until our people are more used to being united and the Ice Queen is dealt with but.. I would like to get to know you, Clarke. More than I have so far."
Clarke stood up, wrapped her arms around me and pulled me close. I had never hugged her before but I instantly felt alive and warm with peace. Her head ended up on my chest with my chin resting on her head. We held each other for quite some time until Clarke pulled away first. Her ocean-filled eyes blinked up at my forest green ones.
"May I kiss you, Heda?" She whispered. With my heart racing, I nodded before slowly pressing our lips together. Suddenly my body felt like I could fly into the heavens, like I could take down a thousand armies single-handily, like I could break through even the strongest of walls, all for the girl I now held close in my arms. Her lips felt like soft flower peddles that had just witnessed a light drizzle of rain. My hand reached around and cupped her face, keeping our kiss soft and tender. I did not want to scare her with any type of harshness. She felt fragile in my hands, breakable, and impossibly addicting under my touch. Our lips fitted together perfectly like two pieces to a puzzle. As soon as it started, we drifted apart, noses brushing lightly together. I could feel her smile under my touch.
"This is a great start to getting to know each other, wouldn't you say?" I could not hold back a chuckle as I pressed my lips to hers for our second kiss.