CHAPTER 20 – BATTLE ROYALE
At The Iceberg Lounge, The Penguin was feeling very good about himself. He'd managed to regain some of his Gotham territory. That treacherous wretch Black Mask was still the top crime boss in Gotham, and Cobblepot resented only being able to run his casino with the psychopath's permission, but even now he was planning on how to overthrow that pretender to his throne. And now he was getting another thorn in his side – Harvey Dent – dealt with by The Joker. Yes, things were looking up for The Penguin. Or so he thought.
The first thing Cobblepot noticed as he walked back to his office was that a leg from his $4,000 table was missing. The second was that his guards were on the floor, bleeding on his $10,000 carpet. The third thing he noticed was the sensation of the missing leg from said table smashing into the left temple of his skull, sending him tumbling down onto said carpet.
A massive black figure picked him up by the collar and threw him back into the broken table, completely shattering it. A few flashes from the bottom half of the figure and suddenly he was coughing up blood and had a size 14 boot on his abdomen. The figure exposed his full form and Oswald figured out it was The Batman - a very, very, very, angry Batman - who seemed to have blood smeared all over his gloves and chest.
The Penguin was really tired of noticing these kinds of things.
It was then that The Batman spoke. His normal growl was amazingly more frightening then Cobblepot had ever heard it. Indeed, The Batman was furious, and The Penguin was fighting not to wet the pants of his $500 suit.
"Penguin. Tell me where the Joker is. NOW!"
The Penguin, ever the man to try and keep his cool, merely shoved the boot aside, forced himself to his feet and dusted off his tux and straightened his dickey-bow. He picked up his top hat and placed it back on his head.
"I could have you arrested for breaking and entering you know," The Penguin said, forcing his voice not to tremble, "Not to mention property damage and assault."
He removed his handkerchief from his pocket and wiped the blood from his lips and brow. He looked towards his table again.
"That table was a rare antique. Made in Munich. Priceless. But then vigilantes like you have no respect for other people's property, have you?"
Batman moved in closer to The Penguin, who took a nervous step back before continuing his rant.
"Now then you had a question. Oh yes, you wanted to know where the Joker is."
The Penguin took his cigarette holder out from his coat pocket, popped a cigarette in it and lit it with a trembling hand. He took a large puff from it and blew the smoke in Batman's direction.
"My dear rodent, how could I, a legitimate businessman, possibly know the whereabouts of a murderous psychotic like the Joker?"
"I don't have time for games, Penguin!" growled Batman, "That monster has killed his last victim tonight. Now I'm arguing if I should break more of your 'priceless antiques'...or just break you instead. Tell me where I can find him, or I'll have more blood on my hands than I have to..."
But as he was speaking, The Penguin had inched his way towards his umbrella rack and was reaching behind him for the nearest umbrella. He grasped the handle and pulled it out, pointing it at Batman.
"I'm sure you of all people know that this does not shoot bird seed" The Penguin said with a sinister grin, "Scrap, Percibil! Peck his eyes out!"
Seconds later two large vultures swooped in. Batman barely had time to notice the buzzards landing on him as they started to try and peck into his skin. It would be quite difficult, since his eyes were protected by the starlight lenses and the majority of his body was covered in a thick kevlar-nomex weave. Calmly, he got two small electric disks and placed them on the birds. It wasn't enough to hurt them, but enough for them to think twice about their master's orders. They flew off of Batman and perched themselves at the open window.
"I don't think they want to, Penguin," he snarled.
"Useless buzzards!" squawked The Penguin in anger.
Batman once again began to approach him. The Penguin kept his umbrella pointed at the intruder.
"Oh, what are you going to do – 'break' me?" he asked sarcastically, but not without a note of fear, "Please, Batman, if you were that kind of a man you would have killed me or The Joker long ago. You lack the spine for such a bold move."
The Penguin was assuming this person The Joker killed that Batman had referred to was Dent. But why had he changed the plan to scar him with the acid?
"Dent is better off 6ft under anyway," The Penguin continued, following this train of thought, "A leopard can never truly change his spots. Dent probably still had his snout in the underworld trough. He got what he deserved. Everybody does eventually. The trick is to know where you are in the pecking order."
The Penguin pulled the trigger back on his umbrella handle.
"Now leave, rodent," he snapped, "Or I'll perforate your perfidious person and feed your carcass to the vultures!"
With speed almost unnatural, Batman lunged forward, grabbing the umbrella and punching right into his arm. He heard the popping sound of The Penguin's shoulder dislocating. His scream was a strange combination of a scream and a bird-like squawk. He grabbed his other arm and used the momentum to toss him over to the other side of the room, landing on the wall and collapsing on the floor. With vicious speed, Batman leapt towards him, landing right on top of him. He grabbed his collar and punched with all his might – all his anger - right into his face.
THUD.
THUD.
THUD.
His beak-like nose might as well have been shattered. He'd have some massive bruises and two horrendous black eyes in the morning.
"I don't have the backbone!?" he growled.
At that moment, he heard a car pulling up into the lounge. They had company. Hovering over the bloodied, sputtering Cobblepot, he stood prepared, waiting for whoever was about to make their entrance. And then Harvey Dent walked in, his face held in his hands.
"Batman!" he whimpered, "Why did you leave me behind?"
"Harvey, I..." began Batman.
Then Dent pulled his hands away, revealing himself as Two-Face.
"Not Harvey anymore!" snapped Two-Face, pointing a gun at Batman.
This was like a nightmare that never ended, that kept on getting more and more horrific. He had only just regained Harvey Dent as a friend, a closer friend than ever, and now he was gone again. Lost to Two-Face. First Alfred, then Harvey. Both had been taken from him.
But, how…" began Batman, horror and disbelief etched on his face.
"He cut himself shaving. HA HA!"
Before he could react, The Joker had sneaked up behind Batman, pointing his over-sized gun at the back of Batman's head.
"Gotcha," chuckled The Joker.
The Penguin lurched back onto his feet, one arm hanging limp, and pointed his umbrella gun at Batman with his good arm. The Joker laughed triumphantly.
"3 on 1. I don't like the odds, Batsy..."
With a cold, methodical approach that even frightened him, Batman started to fight. First, he took out a smoke grenade, causing the gas to blind his opponents. He started by kicking the umbrella gun from Penguin's hand and kicking him in the stomach. The Penguin tumbled back down to the floor, hitting the wall with a thud.
Batman recognized the next nearest person to be Harvey Dent - now Two-Face once again. He wished he could say that he felt some compassion because of who Harvey used to be. He wished he could say he recognized who he was and was easy on him.
He wished.
Instead, knowing how the newly scarred part of his face would be sensitive, Batman took one of his batarangs and sliced into the flesh. Two-Face's screams told him he had hit the mark. Batman punched into a pressure point on the neck, causing him to pass out onto the floor.
Then, Batman saw the last person standing, the one who deserved to die more than any person on this planet: The Joker. The smoke was starting to clear and The Joker could see him too.
"Remember when you shot Barbara?" Batman asked, "That day, I tried to talk to you, saying how someday we were going to kill each other. Either I would kill you, or you would kill me, it didn't matter. All that mattered was that at the end of that day, our blood would be on each other's hands."
Batman started to walk towards him. The Joker responded by walking around the room. They were circling each other like predators. Batman continued talking.
"Today's that day, Joker. I can feel it in my bones. Now, no matter how much you've taken from me...I don't want to kill you. If you know who I am then you must know about the vow I took, to never take a life. But if that's what it takes to finally stop you, then I hope that God - and most importantly, they - can understand."
He paused for a moment, before finally saying it.
"One of us isn't going to leave alive."
The Joker, face to face, with his nemesis, burst into wicked laughter.
"You're right about that."
The Joker pointed his gun at Batman, pulling the trigger. A "BANG!" flag rolled out instead of bullets.
"Oh," said The Joker, as Batman dived on him.
But before Batman could land a single punch, The Joker stabbed the flag into his chest, quickly drawing it out. Batman immediately began to spasm, as The Joker crawled out from underneath him.
"How does that feel, Bats?" giggled The Joker sadistically, "I just injected a neurotoxin into your system. Even as we speak, it's shutting your body down, cutting off the reflexive impulses of your brain from the rest of your nervous system. It's going to leave you paralysed for a good couple of hours. Kind of like a waking coma. But don't worry, you still have full sensation. You're going to feel every bit of pain inflicted on you. Now, don't go anywhere! HA HA!"
Batman could offer no response. All he could do was lie there helplessly on the floor. The Joker turned away from the beaten Batman, looking at his fallen partners. He helped The Penguin to his feet first.
"Take a deep breath, Ozzie," he said, "This is going to hurt you more than it's going to hurt me."
The Joker gave The Penguin's arm a sharp tug, popping his dislocated shoulder back into place. Cobblepot let out a pained squawk.
"Ozzie, could you go get some rope to tie our friend up?"
The Joker went across to Two-Face, who was staggering to his feet.
"This is the fun part, Harv. And we're going to make this last a looooong time! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"