Crushing Gravity
Chapter 19
What is it that makes kids listen to adults? If told to go to their room, they'll stomp and whine and complain, but they'll do it. They didn't have to. Even if they get their game boy taken away, why would they even hand it over?
Because they were told to. Why would they listen?
Maybe it's some great conspiracy that when you're born, you're injected with a shot that makes you brain automatically follow the orders of an adult, if pressed enough.
Because I don't want to do this. I want to absolutely refuse, to just slam the door in her face. But I don't, because something in me won't let me.
"Samantha," Julia says from the door again, arms crossed and voice in that stern 'I'm serious' tone. "Get up. We're going to lunch."
I don't want to. I don't want her to be standing in the doorway of my room, I don't want her in my house, because I claim it now, and I don't want her to talk to me about my sister.
So, and this is the part I'm questioning, why am I reluctantly rolling off the bed and tugging on shoes?
I'm angry as she leads me out the door of my own home, stomping with just a bit more force than necessary and clenching my fists in my pockets.
I climb into Julia's rental car, wondering why she's even still in this wet town. Doesn't she have any other kids to social work?
We stop at the diner, which is not surprising considering it's the only one.
We sit in silence, staring at each other across the table, both frowning. My eyes are set in a glare.
"Hey Sam," Kim says, striding over in her waitress apron and wielding her pen like it's a weapon. She had started working here several weeks ago, and it's still somehow exciting for her.
I change my expression to a slight smile as she stops beside me, and looks curiously at the unfamiliar face across from me. Usually I'm with Leah or Brady.
"Who is this?" She smiles politely at my company.
"Julia," I scowl.
Julia's hand shoots out immediately, offering to shake like a well trained dog.
"I'm Samantha's social worker; are you one of her friends?"
My scowl deepens.
"Yeah, it's good to meet you," Kim says politely, though I can see the concern in her eyes. "Is everything alright?"
I glare at my social worker, challenging her to reveal anything else.
"Everything is just fine," Julia says without even glancing at me. "Are you our waitress?"
"Oh- yes!" Kim flushes in embarrassment. "Sorry, what can I get you?"
I order more than I can eat, knowing full well that Julia is going to pay for it. I haven't been very happy with her since bringing my sister here. I'm sure she knew that Lyla sent me away.
"Did you get your sister's gift? She told me that she sent you one," she says once Kim hurries away with our orders.
"She did," I fold my arms.
"What was it? Did you like it?" She presses.
"Don't know; I threw it in the trash."
She sighs, rubbing her temples.
"Sam, you should talk to her. It was a long time ago. She only did what she thought was best for you."
Her words only make me angrier, but I had been working on controlling it, and I just grit my teeth.
"She was my first Foster home," I say shakily. "She was the first one to not want me."
"She wanted you, Sam," Julia insists, the earnestness in her eyes showing me that she really believes it.
The anger at my social worker calms. I shouldn't blame her for what Lyla did; she wasn't even there. She's not my first social worker; she's just the one that stayed the longest. The one that cares the most.
"But not enough, right? Not enough to keep me?" I ask softly, turning my head to stare out the widow.
Her own voice is softer now that I'm not openly hostile. "She did what she thought was best for you, no matter what she wanted."
"Nothing could have been worse," I whisper lowly, too quiet to be heard. "I don't want to go live with her. I don't want anything to do with her- she should have just stayed gone." I say more firmly, turning my eyes back to Julia.
She sighs. "You should talk to her. She really misses you."
"No." I set my jaw, mentally challenging her to see if she'll make me.
Her eyes connect to something over my shoulder, and she relaxes in defeat. "Fine. Just think about it."
Kim appears next to me with our orders of food, smiling at me as she sets it down.
"So, Sam, where's Leah?"
"She had to..." I glance at Julia, "run with Wolfe. Sam got on her about actually doing it instead of visiting me," I pout. I loved strolling through the woods with Leah as Wolfe.
Kim laughs. "I was wondering when he was going to get on her about that; she's been doing it for months."
"Who's Leah?" Julia asks, looking interested in the conversation. She's never seen me have a friend in any of my foster homes.
"My girlfriend," I answer, and a thrill goes through me. It's so strange to say that. Girlfriend. I grin at her.
Julia chokes, placing her turkey wrap down and coughing into her arm. She sips her water, and then coughs some more before looking up at me.
"Girlfriend?"
"Yeah," I shrug, playing off the sudden stirring of irrational fear. I don't know why it would start now of all times as I study her face.
Her expression smooths, and she smiles. "Congratulations, Sam."
My muscles relax. "Thanks."
Kim draws my attention before she goes to the new customers that just came in. "You're coming to the cookout at the Cullen's Wednesday, right?"
"Of course," I smile at her and she turns to go.
I eat slowly, glad that I had ordered Leah's favorites. What ever I don't eat, she will happily wolf down latter after her patrol.
...
I've grown used to the discomfort of watching conversations happen around me. Grown used to staying quiet, or awkwardly answering a question directed at me.
Talk between the vampires and werewolves is interesting, and easily holds my interest, but the intimate atmosphere still makes me feel...weird.
It's not exactly something I can describe; I'm just tense without knowing why, uncomfortable, and a little sick feeling.
Leah's hand in mine is the only reason I'm sitting in one of the lawn chairs, and I don't have it in me to disrupt her relaxed leaning into my legs from the ground.
I notice Jasper's curious look from beside the tiniest vampire, and the bronze haired one, Edward's, expressionless stare, as I grow even tenser.
Something in my chest clenches, making it a little difficult to breathe. There is this...urge, a need, for something, but I don't know what I need to do. It's almost like when I have to run, or pace, or just move.
I just- I- I need-
Leah's head snaps up to look at me. "Sam?"
"I think I need some air," I whisper, standing up and moving out from behind her. I stop her when she starts to stand, by placing a hand on her shoulder. "No, you stay here, I'll only be a minute."
She reluctantly settles back on the ground. "Okay; you won't go far?"
"I'll stay in sight of the fire," I reassure her, liking how she didn't command me not to go far, and just expressed her hopes of it.
Even as I make it to the shelter of trees, I still feel odd. The urgent something that I need to do is almost painful and I want to cry as I gasp in a few breaths.
Calm suddenly envelopes me, hitting me like a wave that instantly relaxes my back.
"Are you all right there, darlin'?" A familiar southern twang asks, and I turn to see Jasper had followed me. He stands a good distance away; enough that it's not uncomfortable.
"I don't know," I answer honestly. "I don't feel right."
"Well, you were just having a panic attack."
"That's what that was?" It didn't feel like my normal panic attacks, and there wasn't really any reason for me to have it. I was just listening to the conversations. "Thank you for checking on me, but I'm fine now," I tell him.
I feel like I should be shaky, or weird, but there is only that strange calm.
"Alright," he dips his head in farewell and turns back toward the fire I can see through the trees.
I take a few deep breaths, turning my head up to the dripping foliage. It's a nice evening for Forks, with mostly clear skies and warm air, though the humidity frizzes my hair. It's actually strange that every time I've been to the Cullen's, it's been a really nice day nature wise.
"That's because Alice can see the future."
I jump at the voice, all muscles locking as I turn to Renesmee's father. Edward's presence is very uncomfortable; I don't like the way he looks at me, like he is looking at my very core of being.
It makes me feel naked. I hate being naked in front of anyone.
"What do you mean?" I ask, slowly processing his words.
"Alice. She can see the future based on people's decisions; things like weather are a little more solid. We plan these events accordingly."
"Oh," I blink, unsure of myself again or what I'm supposed to say to that. "Okay." Or what I'm supposed to say at all to him.
I don't know him. I don't want to be out here alone with him. My eyes dart back to the fire where everyone else is so absorbed with their own conversations.
Edward's slight smile drops abruptly, and he leans against a tree. It almost looks casual the way he does it, and deliberately unthreatening.
"No one here would hurt you like that, you know. The way those men did."
It's painful how fast and hard every muscle in my body tenses.
It's sounds way to close to knowing what happened to me. He can't have my secrets; they're mine.
"I'm sorry," he apologizes. "But I think you need to talk to someone about what you've gone through. Leah maybe, or even a professional."
How does he know? No one ever knows. What do I do Lyla? I find myself reaching out to the voice in my head, but as she has been for weeks, she's silent. Somehow, the Lyla trapped in my head left me too.
"You're insane," I drawl, relaxing as a decision is made. "Try speaking in English because I have no idea what you're talking about."
"I...know what those men did to you." My mind flashes through my foster homes, more than I can remember, more men than I can remember, of fists and hands and heavy weight pressing on me, into me, and it's not happening, not happening, not actually happened, never actually happened.
But I know it did. I still feel the ghosts of their touch and old pain and confusion.
Edward has that look of horror again, staring at me with suddenly black eyes, and I cross my arms defensively in front of my chest. I'm suddenly very tired.
It's all in the past, why won't it just go away?
"You need to deal with it, talk about it. If you ever want to move forward or actually," he grimaces, "be with Leah intimately, you need to tell her. She has to know."
So, I'll be okay. Because I don't want...that with Leah. I don't know how people think sex feels good; it hurts. It hurts a lot.
And I'm not a masochist, so why would I want it?
I want to punch Edward, because I don't want to think about this, ever, and somehow he knows.
"No one needs to know," I murmur, and walk back in the direction of the cookout. I pass Edward on the way, keeping my eyes intently forward, and don't acknowledge him.
I give Leah a halfhearted smile as I sit back in my lawn chair, and it becomes a little more real when she takes my hand and kisses my palm.
Still, I don't feel all that right.
A/N: Okay, you guy's made me feel so much better with what I want to do with the story, so thank you. I know that it's a little on the edge of M rating already, and I've decided that I'm going to change it.
So this is a warning to those reading the story, but isn't following it: The rating will be changed to M by the end of the week or next update. It will stay T until then.
Thanks for reading and please review!
~Silver~