Chapter 4

Somehow Tegan managed to remain asleep through my incredibly clumsy half hour of getting home and putting away the groceries. Tegan always feels bad when I don't wake them up to help me with things like this but I don't mind, especially since Tegan has been doing a lot of handiwork around the house. It's ironic how much Tegan and I, along with the immense majority of the queer community, detest gender roles, yet Tegan just so happens to have found themselves thrown into an array of "men's" tasks. The other day they came home with a tool belt as a joke at the whole thing, I think I laughed for about five minutes before I stopped to realize that I was very into Tegan wearing tool belt. Neither of us got much done that afternoon.

Tegan is still sleeping calmly on the couch, I sit on the little open area by their legs and admire how stunning Tegan is. Just before the four month mark Tegan began changing a little faster than they were before. Their size has changed too, since I see them every day I didn't notice it so much until we looked back on the progress photos but now I can't do anything but realize they have grown a lot. Now they stand probably two inches taller than me with broader shoulders and less curves, thicker legs and arms. It's really interesting how different they looks all the while looking like the same Tegan I've had by my side for all of our years. Their gorgeousness is quite literally breathtaking, I cannot begin to imagine how many hours I've spent just looking, admiring my twin. Even from a young age, I've always been infatuated with there being another being on this earth who so closely mirrors my own body and personality. Of course the closer you get to us, both physically and metaphorically, we do stray from one another, yet only to a point. We are still indistinguishable at the DNA level, something that even in my 26 years, I cannot wrap my mind around. It's something that everyone around us finds just as mysterious, and I think is why everyone who knows our true relationship has never questioned our truly infinite and intrinsic love for one another. We have small differences, our noses and jaws are slightly altered, Tegan is more open while I am more introspective; yet at our very core and in the most scientific definition, we are exactly identical to each other. We will always be bound to on another, no matter what happens to us in this world, we have a connection that trillions of people will never be able to comprehend, something that we, ourselves can never fully grasp. Even if we wanted to, both of us know that our relationship transcends anything we could ever even hope to share with anyone else. This relationship is something I could never, even if we never die, show the full value of my gratitude for being gifted this honor of having Tegan as my one true soulmate.

Tegan shifts beneath my touch, slowly emerging from their slumber. When they open their eyes and meet my gaze, I cannot help but smile, Tegan Quin, you are the love of my entire existence. Just after our eyes meet, Tegan's sleepy expression quickly dissolves, replaced not a second later with one of worry. Their hand comes to my face, bring to my attention the excessive amount of tears that have drenched my face, "Sara, what's wrong?"

My smile widens causing Tegan much confusion, I'm not confident I could say anything intelligible this second so instead I lean in and kiss them with more adoration, love and affection than I've ever felt. Tegan is a bit taken back at first but then relaxes and allows my outpour of emotion to flow freely. After a minute I pull away and rest my forehead against theirs. "Tegan Rain, I cannot begin to express the amount of overwhelming love and gratitude I have for you right this second." I kiss her again, "I really want to remember this moment so I'm going in my office to right all of this down. I'll probably be a bit, but hey, we might get a song or two out of it," we both laugh, tears still streaming down my face. "But don't worry my love, all happy tears, the happiest tears I think anyone could ever experience."

Tegan smiles so widely I think my heart will implode on sight. "Alright Sare, text me if you need anything. I'm gonna run out to the gym but I'll have my phone on me." Arms wrap around my torso in a strong and loving grip before Tegan lets me go with a kiss and lets me leave to go to my office. I'm feeling on top of the world right now. Once situated at my desk, I grab a notebook from my drawer, opening to the first clean page, picking up a pen to translate the obscenely overwhelming love I have for my twin.

Three and a half pages later I find my heart lighten, still overflowing with my love but content now that it's all been written out. The door to the apartment opens and closes, Tegan must be home now. I close my notebook and wade out to the living room. Tegan kicks off their shoes and drops the couple of bags at the door then looks up and smiles at me. Again, I find myself love-struck, not able to will my body to move closer to the love of my life, only able to stand still and smile like an idiot. Tegan laughs airily and walks over to where my feet are stuck to the ground. Their arms wrap around me again, bringing me out of my daze. I tuck my head against Tegan's neck, inhaling until my lungs feel as if they'll tear open. We stand for a few minutes, simply reveling in the feeling of being in each other's hold. "How was your writing session?"

A smile returns to my face as I lightly give Tegan's neck a small kiss. "Very good. I don't know what has hit me, I feel like I'm on cloud nine from loving you. I think I found the step above being in love."

Tegan kisses my head, "Will I get to read it at some point?" I nod against their neck, about to reply when Tegan talks again. "I was thinking we should go out to dinner tonight. I got us both something to wear and made reservations. But I had an idea to run by you," they say with an enquiring tone, then they take my hand and leads me over to the couch, though I cut in front and sit down at the end, guiding Tee to lean on me so I can run my hands through their shorter brown hair.

"Dinner sounds lovely, afterwards we can come back and take a nice bath then I can read you my little love letter," I laugh as I realize that is essentially what it is, only so much more profound than that. "What is this idea?"

"Well, I was thinking it'd kinda be a good day to tell the fans, yeah? About my transition," they clarify, I cannot help but chuckle, yeah Tee, I totally thought you meant we should tell them we've been together for seven years. "We could set up a little live video and you could kinda give a soft intro then I could enter the frame and whatnot. Nothing long or anything. I just think it'd be good timing since we'll be starting interviews and whatnot in a few months."

I smile wide, I'm so happy Tegan is confident enough to want to do this. My hand pulls their hair back flat and I place a kiss atop their head, "As long as you are sure you're ready. I think it's a great idea, though maybe a live video is a bit much since trolls would probably be commenting transphobic shit."

Tegan must sense that the idea of that happening makes me very angry, within a half second, they are sitting up next to me, hugging me and kissing my cheek. "I'm ready and excited. Good call on the live video though. Seeing any non- positive comment would probably make you shoot off into an angry tangent," I receive another kiss on my head, "and we don't want that babe."

One hour later:

"Hey everyone! It's Sara from Tegan and Sara! Some of you may have noticed that neither of us have been posting any pictures, sorry for all you fans who have been going crazy over that, but there is a reason. Don't worry, neither of us have gotten a bad haircut, no So Jealous cuts or anything. About five months ago, Tegan decided to make a change that would make them happier, and- well Tegan just come over already," I smile and wave over my twin.

Tegan takes a spot next to me within shot. "Hello everyone. As you might be able to see, I look a little different now days. I started testosterone injections five months ago and well, yeah, I'm transitioning. It's something I've kinda wanted to do for a while and it's been a great experience. Sara's been by my side through everything and everyone has been incredibly supportive. So just a little update for you all, we'll be posting more again. Thank you all in advance for your support. And we'll be seeing you all soon for our promotion of our new album soon. Stay tuned!"

We cut off the short video and I take Tegan's face in my hands and kiss them deeply. "I'm so proud of you baby. You are incredibly strong and amazing. I love you so much Tegan."

"I couldn't do it without you Sare. Cliché, I know, but it's too true. Without you I wouldn't have even had the courage to admit it was something I wanted to do but you inspire me to be true to myself every day. I love you too damn much Sara Quin." Tegan smiles their gummy smile and kisses me again. "Now sit out here, watch your favorite lesbian news anchor, Rachel Maddow and I'm gonna set up your outfit in the bedroom. Be back my love."

Rachel Maddow really is my favorite, she's hysterical and I'm not sure if I've ever disagreed with her on an issue. My heart drops into my stomach, no, further than that, it's definitely through all the floors of in the building and three-hundred feet into the ground. My head goes foggy and my hearing fades into constant sounds of a deafening humming. Rachel's sentences flood through my mind over and over. "Early yesterday morning a trans woman was attacked… He was stabbed several times… succumbed to his injuries shortly after at a nearby hospital." I manage to turn off the tv despite my mind drowning in worry and fear. Sure, I've seen these news stories many times, each time it breaks my heart to see the hatred toward the LGBTQIA community; but I think this is the first one I've heard about in detail since Tee's transition. This didn't just break my heart, no, it took my heart and threw it into the core of the earth. I need to protect Tee. I need to ensure that Tegan never has to encounter the teeniest hate crime. Every trans person deserves a full army squadron protecting them every moment of their life. It isn't until I feel the cool puff of albuterol enter my mouth that I realize my breath is just shy of non-existent. I hear Tee's muffled voice attempting to talk to me. I push the thoughts of what I just heard out of my mind to focus solely on breathing. In. One, two, three. Out.

The muffled sounds slowly become clearer as my vision fades away from its blurred blackness. "Shh baby. In, hold, hold, out." I listen to their voice and slowly but surely calm my breathing back to its regular rate. As soon as I have enough oxygen back in my brain to process again, I practically tackle Tegan to the ground.

"Tee I'm never going to let anything happen to you. This is a terrible world and I will quit the band to become your body guard if I have to. That's not okay and it won't happen as long as I'm alive. I promise. I promise you Tee." I'm not sure if Tegan can even hear me, not only am I rambling but on top of that I'm crying directly into their chest.

Tegan scooped me up without trouble and walked us over to sit on the couch, myself still curled up against their chest. "I'm sorry Sare, I didn't even think about that story being on Rachel's show. I was hoping you didn't see it."

I raised my head to look at Tee, "What? You heard about it? Why didn't you want me to see it?"

Tee smiled and kissed my forehead lightly while they lifted me so I was now sitting on their lap. "Because I know we haven't talked about this aspect of my transition. I know it's scary that there are people out there that are hateful toward gay and trans people but I'll be okay. I bought pepper spray while I was out and we have security at events and if we need them around more then it's not a problem. It's okay babe." I'm so happy that they bought pepper spray, and they're right about security.

"You're right. You'll be okay. Especially with these muscles, can we talk about how you picked me up with you when you were sitting on the floor? Like holy shit Tegan, that's some insane strength."

Tegan smiled, undoubtedly happy that they were able to pick up my mood almost as easily as they picked me up. "If you haven't noticed how strong I am before just now then we're not having sex enough." We both laughed at their joke, oh yeah, we totally don't have sex enough. Yeah, right. "I am pretty jacked though."

You know those cartoons where someone's eyes pop 10 feet from their head with heart shaped pupils? Yeah, I'm almost certain that my eyes are about 10 levels above that right now. I know it's impossible but I think Tegan's muscles grew tenfold when they were at the gym today. Their arm is so muscular and sexy, I'm definitely gawking as I'm essentially feeling up Tegan's bicep. My heart melts at the sound of Tegan's light giggle, "if you're interested in my arms then you might like my stomach too but you'll have to come get dressed to see them."

Without even bothering with a response I stand from Tegan's lap and walk us both to the bedroom. Sitting on the crisp white comforter sat two beautiful outfits side by side. One was a strapless black dress with a deep neckline with some famous red- bottomed Louis Vuitton pumps. The other outfit was a cobalt blue suit, white button down with pink silk tie. As I examined it further, I noted the matching pink suspenders and pocket square with brown leather oxfords. Both are absolutely stunning, I'm excited for Tegan to look so dapper and to be the lucky girl on their arm. "You're goning to look so handsome Tee." I began undressing, ready to put on the dress, standing in front of my twin with only my thin lace bra and panties on.

Tegan giggled and wrapped their arms around my waist as they walked up to me. "Oh no babe, these are your outfits to pick from, mine is already chosen," their head motions back over to the bathroom. "I wasn't sure how you wanted to dress so I got two outfits. We are going to a fancy restaurant so we have to be looking good."

Blood rushed to my face as I bashfully tucked my head down. Sometimes they are so sweet it just catches me off guard. I'm so intrigued to see Tegan's outfit for the night, I'm sure they'll look fucking fine-looking as all hell. When I turned around in Tegan's arms I dove right in for an intimate kiss, this kid really knows how to take my breath away. "Okay, so can I see your outfit, please?"

I could tell Tegan was tempted, with my hands grabbing lightly at the hem of their shirt, they usually cannot resist when I want to remove clothes, mine or theirs. I went in for a short peck and lifted the shirt off. If the bed weren't reserved for clothes, I'd push Tegan down right now and fuck them until the sun sets then comes back up. Because fuck, the abs on Tee have got me a flustered and horny mess. My hand met Tegan's back, pulling them into me and I go for another kiss, straight to the making out. My hand lowered past their binder and onto the smooth skin over their abs, a feeling I'll never be able to resist. "Fuck Tee, those gym trips are paying off."

Tegan leaned back a little and guided my hand as they flexed their muscles. "I kinda had a feeling you'd like this," they spoke in a husky voice I've come to know as Tegan's sex voice. "But you can get more of me later, we should get dressed for dinner."

This made me pout heavily, "baby, don't tease me. You look so hot."

"Oh Sare, don't think I won't make up for this. Trust me, you'll be happy we're waiting till after dinner." And cue Tee's famous wink, that's how I know I should just go along with it.

I turned back around and looked at the options for my outfit. "So I'm correct in assuming that you won't let me see your outfit, yeah?"

Tegan chuckled and rested their chin on my shoulder. "Aw, my sister is smart everyone!"

I shook my head and laughed loudly, yeah, I was waiting for that. "Okay, jackass, which one would you like me to wear?"

I felt their breath on my ear before they spoke, "Your choice my love," their tongue licked up the edge of my ear, "either way I'm going to want to fuck you hard later." A surge rushed through my body as they licked back down my ear and tugged on my earlobe.

"Ahhh, you know that gets me going babe. I'll wear the suit, the dress doesn't seem too… accessible."

Tegan responded through breaks in the kisses on my neck, "Mmm, good choice." The sweet spot on the peak of my neck and shoulder got hit pretty intensely, causing moans to escape through my mouth as Tegan's hand lowered on my body. "You're going to look so sexy. I love when you wear suits. You look like you mean business." A hand slipped into my underwear, brushing through my hair before dipping into my folds. "And I like when Sasa means business."

"Oh fuck." A finger slowly circled around my clit, and when I say slowly I mean a literal turtle's pace. Tegan's other hand reached up for my breast, hardly concealed through the see through bra. Two fingers rolled my nipple around before pinching hard and twisting even hard. "Baby," I spoke breathlessly, "fuck, you feel amazing." I know prior to even being kissed, I was already pretty wet, I can only imagine the wetness Tegan has on their fingers now. Tegan's circles sped up slightly with more pressure, resulting in my breathing and moaning to tenfold.

"Sasa you are so wet. Who made you so wet." Oh shit I love when Tegan starts dirty talk.

"You did Tee, you made your twin all worked up and wet."

"I did!?" Tegan exasperated as their fingers came to a hault.

My hand dropped to attempt to get them to continue. "Yes baby, please don't stop. You make me so horny."

Tegan gave a quick kiss to my cheek and withdrew their hand from my underwear. "My bad! Welp, gotta get ready now!" They ran off to the bathroom and I scolded them.

"Tegan I swear to god, you leave no job unfinished!"

I heard Tegan laughing. "'Member, I'll be making it up to you all night!"

I sighed and walked over to the wardrobe, grabbing a face wipe to calm the heat on my face. Now changed out of my lace underwear, I put on some navy boxer briefs, which I know Tegan goes wild for, and a matching navy bra, still sexy but slightly more conservative than what I just had on. Over at the bed I pick up the button down to the suit, putting it over a white tee, then carefully buttoning so I don't misbutton the shirt. Next I grab the suit pants, tucking the shirts in as to not get wrinkled. Once satisfied with the clothing so far, I grabbed the pink suspenders, ensuring they are placed perfectly and evenly adjusted. The pink tie is next to follow, I tie it into a simple Windsor knot and gently fold my collar back down. Now for some simple makeup, a little bit of eyeliner and mascara with very subtle eye shadow. By now Tegan's been in the bathroom for 15 minutes. "Hey, how long ya going to be?"

"Almost done! Putting on socks now." I nod to myself and grab my navy socks with little cactus' on them, getting them on my feet quickly. I'm able to get my oxfords on before Tegan opens the door. "Shit Sara, you look fucking fine."

I chuckle to myself and turn around, almost choking on air when I see Tegan's outfit. They're wearing black suit pants and a pink suit jacket to match my accent color. They have similar brown oxfords and a light grey button down with a black tie. God damn, how is one human so attractive. "Shit, if I met you at a bar. Damn would I bring you home in a split second."

Tegan laughs and does the nervous thing I love so much, her hand behind her head to play with her little tuft of hair. "If you're lucky enough to get me."

Ha, I love when she teases me like that. "Oh silly boy, I know you can't resist me," I take her hand and put it by my collar, slowly dragging it down my body, "I know what you like."

"Mmm, yeah you do," Tegan breathes out, eyes glued to our hands I'm roaming my body with.

Just as I grope myself with her hand in between, I squeeze hard and let my head fall back. "But," I take her hand away and spin on my feet, "I know you like to wait so," I laugh to myself as I get payback for Tegan's joke earlier.

Tegan groans exaggeratedly, cursing under their breath. I pick up my suit jacket and put that on to join the rest of my ensemble. Then I slip my feet into the oxfords and walk over to Tegan. "You look so handsome baby, I love you so much more than I could ever express."

Tegan just beams back at me and kisses my lips gently. We walk out of the bedroom in silence, happy to be so fulfilled with each other.

Up next on Changing: Tegan and Sara have an incident on the way to dinner, then have a romantic and fluff-filled dinner. Then some hot sex!