I can't sleep all night, this should be the first that I sleep well, this bed is so comfortable and the sheets aren't scratchy, but it's not the bed bothering me, it's Jesus. I already live with so much guilt, can I really add more to that? It's been a long time since I've liked anyone though, I just can't choose between a family and someone like Jesus, who makes me smile, makes me forget all the shit, who makes me feel loved.

"Are you okay?" I hear Mariana say from her bed, "You're tossing and turning a lot," She sits up and turns the lamp on.

"Yeah, I'm just, I don't know, it doesn't matter,"

"Yeah it does, what's bothering you?" I can try and tell her without mentioning his name, right?

"Well, there's this person that I like, and I shouldn't like them because it'll ruin everything for me and probably for them too. But this person likes me a lot too, and when we're together it's like everything's perfect and the rest of the world doesn't matter, but the second we're apart, I realize it's not perfect. If I decide to stay with this person, really bad things could happen to me, but if decide not to stay with this person, then I'm afraid I'll go back to feeling lonely and hopeless,"

"Okay, that's a lot to deal with, um is there any way around it?"

"I mean we could have a secret relationship but then I'll carry the guilt with me for God knows how long, I've got enough to feel guilty about," I start to cry a little, but I have to stay quiet or the others might here me.

"Oh, Cressida," Mariana gets out of bed and comes and sits with me, she strokes my arm as I let my tears out onto the pillow, "Do you wanna talk about it?" She asks me, "The things you feel guilty about?" I look up at her.

"Do you promise not to judge me or change your opinion me? I swear it was an awful mistake, it wasn't supposed to happen," I cry more.

"I promise, just calm down, talk to me," I sit up, "You're part of the family now and we look out for each other in this house,"

"Okay," I take a deep breath, "I guess I'll start from the beginning, when I was like 14, my mom started dating this guy, and he was really nice to me at first, but I see now that he was manipulating me, he got closer to my mom and me, then she asked him to move in, that's when he started to get her back into drugs again. It wasn't that bad at first, they do it in the day when I was at school and then they'd be asleep by the time I got home," Mariana listens intensely, "I was just a kid, I let something slip to a teacher at school, I can't remember exactly what I said, but it was enough to make Ali mad, he came into my room one day and started yelling at me, saying I was gonna get taken away from my mom if I said anything else, I started crying and that as the first time he hit me. He started to hit mom too, I hardly ever saw her so I couldn't even talk to her about it. He started hitting me for the stupidest things, if he spilled his beer, it was my fault, if he dropped his coke, it was my fault, if mom cried, it was my fault. So I started to hatch a plan, it was sick, but I didn't know what to do, I tried to tell my teacher but Ali had told her than I was a compulsive liar, I tried to tell the cops but they thought I was pranking them, so I went ahead with my plan. Mom was out with her friends and I knew Ali would be back from one of his drug deals soon, I went in the kitchen and I turned the gas on," Her eyes widen, "I wore a mask and waited outside. I heard a car pull up in the front, so I waited until I heard the front door open and close, I followed him in and shut the door behind him, locking and barricading, the kitchen was in the middle of the house so there were no windows, by this time I put headphones in so I didn't have to listen to him struggle," I sicken myself listening to these words, I notice I'm crying a lot now, "I went outside and waited a few hours," Then I heard another car pull up, that was supposed to be moms cab, but it wasn't it was Ali," Mariana looks shocked, "It was my mom in the kitchen,"

"Oh my God," She says, "I'm so sorry," She hugs me, I truly thought she would be terrified of me, "I can't imagine going through that, you don't have to worry, I completely understand why you did it, I would have done it to if I was in your situation, and if I had the balls,"

"Really? You're not freaked out?" I hold her hands.

"No, of course not," She hugs me again, and rocks me back and forth while I cry in her arms, then suddenly the main light is turned on and Stef is stood in the doorway.

"Is everything okay girls? It's pretty late," She comes and sits on a pouf near the bed.

"Cressida was having trouble sleeping,"

"I'm okay now, Mariana took care of me," I try to be strong but I end up bursting into tears again, "Sorry," I mumble. As Mariana stands, Stef takes her place next to me, she puts her arm around me.

"Hey, hey, it's okay, come on let's go get you a hot chocolate," She gets me up and takes me down to the kitchen, "Do you want to talk about it?" She hands me the warm mug and sits down next to me with her hand on mine.

"I talked a lot to Mariana, I kind of feel like I'm all talked out, but thank you, sorry I guess it's just really weird for my emotions being in such a new environment, I've never felt safe before, it's like my head doesn't know what to do now,"

"Tell your head to take a break, there's no need to panic," She smiles at me, "You can relax now that you're here,"

"Thank you, sorry, my first night in the house and I'm already disrupting everything,"

"It's nothing we're not used to, with all the kids in this house it's pretty rare that we're all asleep at the same time, most nights at least one of us is crying," She jokes, I appreciate that she's trying to make me feel better.

"I guess that's teenagers for you, I guess I just never realized I was this kind of person, the stuff I've been through makes teen drama seem so dumb, but it still gets to me,"

"You know what a lot of teens do? They say they don't wanna talk and then end up letting it all out," She laughs again.

Stef and I stay up for a little while longer, drinking our hot chocolate, I tell her what I told Mariana, I managed to keep myself from breaking down this time. Maybe every time I tell someone it will get easier, but it hurts so much to relive these memories, they get more vivid every time. Maybe soon I can bring myself to tell AJ.