i don't love you, but i always will
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I'll meet you there.
-Rumi
He was in a field of flowers. Surrounded by light pink orchids on his right, red blood roses on his left, white peace lily plants behind him and purple hydrangeas in front of him, the eight year old stood confused and lost. How had he gotten there? He didn't know. He only knew he was woken up by the strong smell the flowers were giving off; the sweet scents invaded his nostrils and made him feel nostalgic for some reason.
The sky was clear, a beautiful shade of blue with no clouds in sight. The sun shone heavily on him, mainly because of his black clothing and he burned under it. Dark blue eyes looked around the area, yet found nothing more than flowers, a never-ending path of them. No trees or animals or cities, just flowers. An unexplainable fear plagued his thoughts at this apparent isolation.
He saw nothing for a while but then a sudden move from the corner of his eye caught his attention. He turned around and saw a silhouette through his squinting eyes, hazy and blurry because the sun had decided to serve the figure as a backdrop. Minutes after, his sight got used to the blazing sun and he was able to see the other inhabitant of this beautiful never land.
It was a boy.
Long arms and long legs, he stood a mile away from him. Knobby uncovered knees, weird attire (it looked almost primitive, almost tribal), half of his face was covered by a translucent veil. No matter how hard he focused on the other's visage, he wasn't able to make out any discernible features. Only a mop of wild yellow hair that gleamed golden underneath the sunlight. It reminded him of a chocobo and the comparison brought a real smile to his face.
At that moment, his vocal chords, without ordering them to do so, without his permission, started to vibrate and his mouth opened as if he did not have control over his own body.
"_!" He screamed a name he couldn't hear, suddenly erased sound. Happiness and relief (why relief?) overcame him at the sight of the other living human being.
A voice, young and tender and so beautiful it made him want to break out in tears answered his call "Noctis…" the voice said and the owner of that voice both familiar and unfamiliar walked towards him. "I.. I didn't think that I would get another chance"
He didn't know what the other was talking about, they had never met before. Yet a part of him knew this person so intimately and was the one that responded, as if understanding perfectly the situation "What are you talking about, _? We are here, together at last"
"Yeah… I guess we are" the other boy laughed a sweet sound "Thank the Gods for small mercies" he said this with a hint of sarcasm and Noctis frowned; he didn't like the dark hue in this unknown boy.
"The universe does work in mysterious ways."
"_?" Noctis didn't feel happy anymore. The fear from before was crawling slowly to the back of his head.
"I'm sorry" the blond said, stepping closer to Noctis who was frozen where he stood "I'm sorry for lying to you. But I had to. I knew that if I told you… You would have stopped me, you wouldn't have let me fulfill my calling"
Noctis felt something within his eight year old body break in a thousand million pieces.
And he felt a hot rage entwined with grief cloud his senses. He did not know why "You're sorry? You're sorry?!" he yelled, hands curled into fists at his sides "Do you have any idea how I feel right now? Do you?"
"I'm sorry…"
"Of course I would have stopped you!" Noctis felt himself turn hysterical "How could I not? How I could have been able to stand there and see you- You should have told me, dammit! I would have done something, anything!"
"There was nothing you could do" the blond head shook in denial.
Noctis ignored him.
"We would have found the way somehow. We always do. _, if you had told anyone, any of our friends, Ignis, Gladio, ME. We would have helped you. Together we would have made it, found a different way, a solution that wouldn't have to end like this!"
"No, Noctis. There was no other way." The boy sounded infinitely sad and the young kids' heart beat painfully "You should know by now that sacrifices must be made if-"
"Screw the sacrifices! I would have slain even the Gods for you! Don't you understand how much you mean to me?" Noctis cried out in ragged breaths. The sky above them was slowly starting to fill with gray clouds, the shade of blue transforming in pale silver.
"Why did you surrender so easy? Why didn't you fight?"
Finally, the blond boy that made Noctis ache in ways his eight year old self had never experienced lost his composure and began screaming out his lungs as well "What on Eos could possibly make you think that I did not fight this outcome? Did you think I wanted this to happen? That I wished for any of this? To have everything I've yearned for and then having to lose it all? Watch your face twist in anguish? You think that is what I wanted?" His blurry expression was sad; Noctis thought he saw a glimpse of blue somewhere. "If it had been my choice, if I had a choice in any of this you know I would have stayed with you. Forever. Until my legs and arms couldn't move anymore and we were both old and gray. I would have killed you with crappy jokes and my terrible cooking"
Despite his inner turmoil, the black haired boy let out a mirthless laugh at the comment. Leave it to _ to always make light out of every situation, no matter how screwed up it was.
"Then why didn't you? Why didn't you stay?" he felt so terribly small, so childish as he asked in a teary voice stark different from the one he had used when he yelled.
A chilling wind struck them right then and their clothes and messy hair of black and yellow fluttered in the air.
"Noctis," the boy extended a skinny arm in the air, fingers wide open, separated from each other, as if Noctis was something he desired and was trying constantly to grasp but could never get close enough. He could relate perfectly.
"I love you" he said. Determined, not an ounce of hesitation. True, simple and certain, like he was saying the grass is green or the night is dark. An undeniable fact.
Noctis felt his lips pronounce an obvious truth of his own "I love you, too. Always have"
He took a step forward, his own arm reaching in the direction of the blond boy. Forever reaching, forever searching, forever pining for what had always been next to him.
The blond boy smiled. Noctis saw dimples.
"Hey, Noctis. Have I ever told you about how unworthy I felt standing next to you guys?" _ said out of the blue.
The sudden change of conversation did not bode well, he thought but decided to let it slide. He did not want to disrupt this special moment, especially if it was all they-
"I might recall something like that, yes"
"Well, despite the insecurities, despite our different standings, despite everyone's disapproval and expectations… I…. You always felt like home to me" he admitted softly and Noctis felt tears prickling at the corners of his eyes.
"I would feel down at school sometimes, feel everyone's stare on my back wondering 'why him'. And there was a time where I actually wondered the same thing. People would look at me, even at the palace and whisper words I've heard for as long as I can remember. A part of me believed their words. Stupid, right?" he paused to wipe his red nose with the back of his hand "But, you see, in the end I realized it didn't matter. My self-deprecating thoughts or everyone else's thoughts did not matter. Because then, I would look up and I'd see your smiling face looking back at me, full of warmth and all the things I've missed my entire life and I would think: this is it. This is what I want to see for the rest of my days. No matter what, I want to always stand tall by his side. Even if he doesn't want me, even if he never sees me I will stay with him.
To the very end"
Noctis laughed then, broken and joyful "Man, that's stupid. How could I ever not want you? I was always looking back at you, you know. My mom, she used to say: 'Noctis when you find the one, never look down, never let your eyes stray from her or you will lose her.' And I never did. Not once did I ever let you out of my sight. You were all I could see, anyway. But I guess I must have done something wrong."
"I never noticed" _ said, ignoring the last part of Noctis's statement "I never imagined the day you would return my feelings. In my mind, I was the pauper pining after a prince. You were way out of my league. Not even in my wildest dreams, I ever thought of you saying 'yes' to me and-"
He stopped; his eyes went to his raised hand and stared at his ring finger. Noctis did the same. It felt empy, as if something was missing from it.
"Oh" they both said and smiled stupidly at each other for saying it at the same time.
"Guess the realm unseen is not that perfect"
Noctis hummed in agreement.
The other boy continued musing on his thoughts "Y'know, can you actually imagine us growing old together? I can. I bet I would have to fight with you every morning to get you awake. Then you would spend the entire morning glaring daggers at me from across the room"
Noctis snorted and decided to follow the other boy's little game of what-if. If only for a while "And what about you? You would waste all of our money on junk food and I would have to cook every day out of fear of being food poisoned."
"You might complain all the time but you still love me anyway"
"In winter, we would stay all day huddled on the couch playing King's Knights until morning"
"When summer came, I would accompany you to the nearest body of water so you can fish while I take photos of the dumb faces you make and then post them online"
"I'd push you in the water for daring to shame your King"
"I'd pull my King's arse to the lake with me. Because if we fall, we fall together"
"We would visit Gladio and Ignis, and have silly sleepovers we would be too old for yet we don't care enough to give a fuck"
"We'd joke and ask them when they are going to get married"
"I'd hang mistletoes all over their place"
"And I'd laugh and sing GLADIO AND IGNIS SITTING ON A TREE…"
"K-I-S-S-I-N-G"
"Luna would probably shake her head at us for acting immature"
"Then she would tell us to stop behaving like children and more like we're responsible adults"
"We would laugh in her face and call her a worry wart. And tell her she needs to loosen up"
"'Nyx can help you with that' I'd say and probably get a slap on the cheek for it"
"You certainly would…."
They stared at each other and burst into spontaneous fits of giggles. Two eight years old laughing in an abandoned field of mourning flowers.
Every moment they shared, every fleeting touch, every instant of happiness whether alone or with their group of friends, played out in the back of their minds like a movie.
Before they knew it, the laughing turned into sobbing. The smiles into tears and they were both heartbroken and destroyed and why did fate have to be such a bitch?
The life they could have had laid out before them like a faraway and distant dream they will never be a part of. Will only be able to speculate in vain.
The blond was the first to quiet down, looked somberly at Noctis with still wet trails on his cheeks. A proof of his grief "Noctis, let's say you somehow find the way to change things. To change all this and have this future never happen. But in exchange, you'll have to sacrifice your own life so you can save mine. Would you do it, would you accept?"
Like _ spoke the words 'I love you' a while ago, Noctis said without guilt or remorse, dead serious "You know I would. For you, I'd do anything"
"Then you know I had no choice. Not If I wanted to protect you. To save you"
"It was a senseless sacrifice, _! Your life is worth a hundred of mine"
"To me, your life is more important than anything else in this world."
As he said this, the sky turned fully gray, the clouds began crying above them as if mimicking their emotional state. The blond boy looked up and closed his eyes, drops of water falling on his face "I only wish I had more time." He confessed "It was not nearly enough, the time we spent together. I wanted more. Want all of it. But this is the end. This is where the river runs dry, Noctis, and we will have to find our separate ways"
"No!" Noctis felt the floor fade beneath his feet, the world around him turning darker "We almost made it! We were almost together! It was finally over, you can't leave me!"
The blond cried harder "I'm sorry"
Noctis ran. He pushed his legs to their limits as he ran for his life, knowing that this was about to reach its end.
"All I ever wanted was to be with you!" He yelled at the figure that seemed both unbearably far and yet so close. He willed his legs to move faster and suddenly, he was not an eight year old anymore. He was tall, his limbs longer and stronger with age and his voice was rougher. The voice of a young man in his twenties screaming in pain.
In his sights there was not a child but a young man too, wearing the trademark colors of the Crownsguard.
"I know. Me too. Bus as cheesy as this might sound, I'm always with you. I will always be with you, Noctis. Not even death can change that"
"Shut up! Just shup up!"
When he finally reached his elusive dream and his hand moved to grab the blond's own hand, when their fingers brushed to grasp at each other… The appendage Noctis wanted to hold started to dissolve in tiny specks of brilliant light. He stared flabbergasted as his hand grabbed empty air.
The blond smiled, cheeks freckled and dimpled "It's time" he said as he began to disappear. Right in front of him, yellow sparks flew all around him as this man he loved more than life itself faded. "I hope, maybe, in another life, we'll meet again. Start from the beginning and have what we deserve"
"I don't want a new life" cried out Noctis, still trying to grasp the ethereal boy who was now more wind and air than bone and flesh "I want you"
"I love you. I always will." The blond with his beautifully saddened face said, heartfelt and pure "Goodbye, my Noct"
And just like that, he was gone. Where before had been a breathing, living, moving body, there was nothing. Nothing was left of him.
The boy with the dorky smiles and hilariously ridiculous comments who saw Noctis not as a prince but as a man. Gone away, like smoke, like a sweet dream and there was nothing left to salvage.
Nothing.
With a scream only Noctis could hear, at once, he said the name he could not remember.
The one that would always haunt him.
Prompto.