loneliness

He was panting, taking big gulps of air, the sheets tangled around him and his back supported by the headboard of the bed. He kicked the covers away with flighty feet, frantically looking around the room to make sure that he was safe. That he was real. That he still wasn't trapped in that world of nightmares.

The boy calmed down a little when his eyes found the familiar furniture and decorations of his room. His breathing slowed down, the sweat on his palms cooled a bit and although his heart still hammered inside him, he felt safe. Noctis was about to sigh in relief but then, he noticed.

His right arm, extended in the air, raised and reaching for something. There was nothing however to be reached. In front of him, of his arm, there was just vacant air.

It fell back to the bed as soon as he willed it to. He followed the movement, weary, and felt a drop of water touch his naked knees. He… was crying, tears made their slow descent down his cheeks. He didn't know when he had started, maybe it was a leftover from his dream, whatever it was about. He sniffed and proceeded to wipe his eyes with his small hands, moved by emotions he couldn't describe as he wanted to.

It was not that he had never had a nightmare before. Quite the contrary, these last couple of months had been nothing but a never ceasing chain of bad dreams that accumulated over time and showed up behind his eyelids like clockwork when he closed his eyes at night. The difference fell on the fact that usually those nightmares were all related to the incident from months ago: the Marilith hovering over him, cruel and smug, the color red spreading everywhere as if there was no other color in the world and the dead bodies of the guards that had once been alive and healthy-Noctis had spoken with them-lying formless, lifeless on the unmerciful ground. The usual nightmares, more memories than nightmares, he remembered. Sometimes he even dreamt of men in silver armors killing everyone he knew, his dad running desperately away and Luna's hand letting go, slowly, in slow motion; her white figure was left behind looking so mature for her age-always mature-standing in opposition to her chaotic background. This nightmare tough, was different from the ones he was used to-to begin with, he couldn't even remember what he had dreamt about, which was odd for his standards.

He felt feverish, reckless, energy thrumming inside his body.

The door opened with a slam that startled him out of his mind. He let out a little gasp and looked up at the figure blocking the entrance to the room. A boy stood frowning at Noctis with a motherly expression on his young face, his arms crossed. Noctis relaxed at the common formal clothing, bespectacled gaze, and gelled hair he was so used to seeing.

The brown haired kid stepped into the room. A maid trailed behind him; she immediately went to open the curtains to let the morning sunshine bathe the shadows clinging at the corners of the bedroom while the other boy walked to Noctis's side.

"Good morning, Your Highness" he said, accent too thick and grave for a nine year old boy.

"Good morning, Ignis" Noctis returned the greeting with a smile, although he felt worry on the back of his mind still.

Ignis seemed to sense automatically the strange mood Noctis was in. He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose-the frames were too big on him-and asked in a worried tone "What did you dream about this time?"

The prince threw a cautious glance in the maid's direction. Ignis was one of his best friends so he didn't mind telling him but he knew the maids could not be trusted, they wouldn't keep quiet to his dad if something was going on with Noctis. Since their return from Tenebrae, his dad had been more careful and attentive to him, which wasn't bad at all but that also meant he spent a lot of time inquiring about his son's wellbeing and whereabouts, what he was up to, what he did on his free time…

Noctis did not want to worry his dad, not now that he had important matters to deal with other than his son. But he didn't want to lie either.

Just in case, he closed his eyes and tried to remember. White, purple, pink, and red. The sickly scent of funeral flowers. He opened them again.

"Flowers… That's all there is" he mused absently, forgetting about Ignis's presence for a second. He tried harder to remember other things from his dream but he couldn't. All there was in his mind, all he felt on his bare knees and naked feet were flowers.

"Roses, lilies, peace plants and hydrangeas"

The words recited from memory, a deep part of his brain that knew everything yet ignored everything. His back and shoulder blades burned.

"Excuse me, Your Highness?"

The question brought him back, he blinked and shook his head in confusion. Whatever he had been talking about vanished from his train of thoughts and he stared at Ignis again, feeling at a loss. Someone's small voice called out his name, somewhere in his brain, somewhere in his room, somewhere in the palace, somewhere in the Citadel.

Somewhere in Insomnia.

"Nothing. I dreamt of flowers, that is all" he clarified only to watch Ignis's stern features turn unconvinced.

The other was hard pressed to say something about it though, he knew Noctis hated talking about his nightmares. At most, he told him plainly to get ready for the day, but before he and the maid left Noctis alone to prepare, he said "You can tell me anything, do you know that Noct?"

If he weren't as good friends with Ignis as he was, he wouldn't have detected the change of intonation from plain to worried.

The first time his dad had introduced Ignis to him as his sort of caretaker, Noctis hadn't really liked him. He was too uptight, he'd though then, serious and calm when another child would have been loud and obnoxious. He dismissed Ignis as someone boring and uninteresting, but agreed with his father's command. They would probably get tired of each other soon enough, they were too different to become friends, like water and oil. Little did he know, back on those days, he'd grow to get along with Ignis, he'd learn to appreciate the other child in the palace for what he was, understand his dry humor and discover that he was just as capable of having fun as Noctis was.

Befriending him had been easy, forced to spend time together they both realized that despite their differences, they could mingle just fine. Even when Ignis acted like a grown up stuck in a kid's body, Noctis liked him a lot. Especially now that he had lost an important friend thanks to that Empire they were at war with.

Noctis showed a little smile "Of course I do, Iggy"

The door closed and when it did, Noctis placed his feet on the ground, careful not to do any sudden moves. His legs felt like jelly, he didn't trust them much to support his weight without falling over; a decayed tower on the verge of imminent destruction. Once he was sure his knees were not going to fail him, he headed for the bathroom. He washed his face, wiped the crusts pasted to his eyelashes and the corners of his eyes, brushed his teeth, took a bath.

As he came out of the shower, he couldn't help himself and dragged a hand over the fog that covered the mirror, cleaning the surface, leaving his mark on it. In that moment, his hand to the glass and his dark blue eyes staring intently at his reflection, he blinked and saw a flash of yellow, a forgotten memory from his dream.

What?

He flinched, stepped back. The wound on his back hurt now, the way it did those first few days. However, when he dared to look again in the mirror there was nothing. No flash of anything to be seen. Noctis gulped and felt the atmosphere shift to lower degrees, opposite the blazing sun outside the safety of the palace. Weary, he made the trek back to his room shivering.

The prince dressed in a rush, not paying attention to the shirt and pants and underwear he was putting on, they were all black anyway. He exited to the hallway, desperate to put distance between himself and the room, his nightmares hot on his heels.

Ignis was waiting for him, the maid nowhere in sight. She probably had better things to do than wait for Noctis to finish grooming for the day. He went up to him and muttered a sheepish 'I'm done'. Ignis looked at him, then inside the room, almost as if he could see the ghosts residing there. Sometimes, Noctis thought, Ignis acted too mature for his own good, he saw the things no one else could see, had the common sense no average child had at his age. In a way, it reminded Noctis of Luna, with her elaborate manner of speech and cryptic words.

Together, they walked down the hallway at a slow pace due to Noctis's still fresh injury; it was only weeks ago when he and his dad made it back from that disastrous encounter with the Empire in Tenebrae and Noctis was at the time confined to that annoying wheelchair but now, he was allowed to move without it at his leisure. Of course, he had to exert caution and not do anything that would bother the wound unless he wanted to be in the wheelchair again. Ignis grabbed him by the shoulder just in case.

"Your father will not be having breakfast with us today, but he told me he will be relieved of his duties in time for supper" Ignis informed him at the same time they entered the dining room, their food was already set on the table in pure clean plates and polished silverware.

Noctis felt a prickle of disappointment "Oh. Okay" he sounded sadder than what he wanted to let on-he needed to practice his indifferent tone-but he understood why his father couldn't see him as much as he used to. He knew why he locked himself for hours inside the throne room with those other men and women Noctis knew were important. One word: war. It was all because of war, he understood that and that was why he learned to let go of his father who was also a king and the only one who could prevent the events that took place in Luna's home from happening again.

He sat down at the head of the table because he could and because it was fun to pretend to be a hero for a while.

"Where's Gladio by the way?" he asked a little testing. He kept his gaze on the delicious smelling omelet in front of him.

Things with Gladio had been very awkward since their first meeting. The older boy disliked Noctis for some random reason and he always went out of his way to make training as hard as possible for the prince. However, his attitude changed altogether after he saved Iris not too long ago and from that point onwards they'd been trying to understand how to maneuver around each other with Ignis serving as a common ground.

He heard an unexpected 'clink' coming from the other boy's seat. Ignis was sliding the knife to cut his omelet when Noctis spoke, and the knife made a screeching sound when it connected with the plate instead. His brows furrowed and his mouth a thin line, he said "Where he is always at. That young man-" Young man? Noctis had to bite his tongue to keep from bursting into laughter. Gods, the mix of his tiny stature yet solemn and severe voice made Noctis want to cackle. A nine year old talking like a grown man, calling another boy who was older than him by a year 'young man'-who would have tought. "-doesn't see anything beyond training and swords. He is a functioning human being, he needs to eat, he needs rest. Besides-"

Yes, Ignis and Luna would get along like a house on fire.

Noctis smiled behind his hand and shook his head. Going back to eating his breakfast, he let Ignis ramble on and on about Gladio. As much as the other complained he knew that the two boys had… a special kind of bond. Noctis didn't have the proper words to define it, whatever it was, but felt that in a way it was different from what they had with him or anyone else. Even at that moment- Ignis upset like he never was at anything, stoic composure all gone down the drain -Noctis could see a hint of that something new and young and different there, in the air around him. In the way they talked, how they naturally gravitated towards each other, their staring eyes, their smiles, everything about them screamed of a shared secret Noctis desired to be privy of.

He wanted to grasp 'it' for himself but he didn't know how. That spark, that thing, eluded him like he was a sickness because no matter how much he enjoyed hanging with Ignis, 'it' just wasn't there. He didn't feel anything out of place. The same happened with Gladio, he just looked at him and saw nothing out of the ordinary. And then, there was Luna whom he missed terribly and wanted to be by her side so badly and yet… that something didn't show itself either during their time together. There was still something missing, even as she spoke of heavy words like 'destiny', 'gods', 'prophecies', 'kings' and 'oracles' and 'protect each other', he did not perceive that particular change of atmosphere that whispered of more. Always more.

He thought that, maybe, he didn't have that something with any of his friends due to their differences. Maybe Gladio and Ignis had that because they were closer in age? No, that made no sense. It was not like they were older than him by ten years, and neither was Luna, she was only four years his senior. There was not an unbearable age gap between them. So what was it?

He, perhaps, had an idea.

When he looked at them, sometimes, he witnessed the tiredness and wisdom he glimpsed in the faces of adults. Ignis and Luna-who faced her fate with bravery, who let go of his father's hand to stay with her people instead of running away like any other little girl would have done- both spoke in the manner experienced lords and ladies wished to accomplish, and Gladio shouldered the strength and burden of any of the other glaives and Crownsguard at just ten. Next to them, what had Noctis done? What was he? What was his role in all this? He possessed no words to fill the awkward silences that were born when talking with Ignis about serious matters (he didn't understand), he remained ignorant of what was he supposed to do when Luna gazed at him, blue old eyes expectant after telling him again about their future (he felt so small, so clueless), he didn't know what to do either when she said she wanted to be left alone and stared with those same old eyes at the horizon in front of her, not really seeing anything, her shoulders sagged sadly and her hands clasped shaking softly on her lap while Gentiana stood by her side, watching her through closed lids (Noctis didn't know how to comfort the girl who bore the pain of a thousand, The Oracle herself that could commune with the Gods and had responsibilities he could never begin to comprehend). Much less, he had zero ideas on what to say to Gladio when the older boy spoke greatly about King Regis and Noctis being expected to replace him when the time was right, when he said that everybody was waiting for the day he claimed the throne as his and became a King even greater than his father (Noctis looked at him from the ground and trembled, thinking of metal men, blood, death, tears, fighting, and having to let go of things if he wanted to protect his homeland).

The unexplored land of adulthood laid bare in front of him, in every movement and sentence his friends made and Noctis was terrified of what walked in it, of the dark things that lived there. A thin line divided them, he was on one side and they stood firm on the other. Children with adult minds and Noctis, alone and separate from them.

Sometimes, he had to look away. He couldn't bear to see the so feared grown up world he didn't wish to enter quite yet, despite the others being immersed completely in the situation. He didn't want to mature so soon, he wanted to be able to enjoy being a kid, he wanted to be a normal boy, even if his smiles were scarce now, even if he didn't laugh as much as he used to before, even if he couldn't close his eyes without seeing daemons and blood tainting the world with its vibrant tone, even if he couldn't ignore anymore what war and Niflheim meant, even if he was aware of the duties and weight his dad had to carry, even if he cried with no reason, even if his back burned and hurt. Even if he was broken, he wanted to be a normal child.

He felt so lonely.

With Ignis's annoyed voice as background, he finished his omelet.

They found Gladio in the training room. As usual. He immediately noticed Noctis and Ignis coming into the room; his eyes flew to the youngest boy then to the older one. He smiled sheepishly and fidgeted in the spot, a weird gesture coming from a ten year old that doubled them in both height and muscle mass.

Ignis, entirely nonplussed, just glared with his arms crossed.

"You were not at breakfast today" he said coldly.

"I lost track of time, I guess…"

"Lost track of time? Do you know how unhealthy it is to not eat in the morning?"

"Look, I was busy"

"Doing the same thing you do every other day of the week"

"Iggy, I'm sorry"

"You can apologize to me but it won't change things. You need to take better care of yourself"

Noctis watched the back and forth from the sidelines, his snort went unnoticed given how invested they were in the discussion. It was amusing seeing the more slender Ignis facing off against the massive shape of Gladio, not even a bit intimidated by the other boy.

Gladio rolled his eyes "That is not why you're so hyst-histra-histori-damn what was it?!"

Ignis's frown deepened "One, watch your language. Two, it's probably hysterical"

"That. Whatever. You're not mad at me for that"

As he said that he pulled Ignis into a one armed, full of sweat, hug. Ignis's face ended up plastered against Gladio's disgusting armpit and Noctis couldn't reign in the laughter anymore. The bespectacled boy's face was a patched up shirt, made of different emotions; he turned slightly red, but opposing that was the full blown downturn of his lips, a twitch on his right eyebrow and his crinkled nose. Although he was clearly revolted by the smell and his expensive clothes were now covered in sweat, the smaller boy stayed put where he was, glued to Gladio's side.

"You promised me you'd come for me" Ignis muttered, glum and serious.

Ah, so that was what his annoyed tirade in the dining hall had been all about. Noctis grinned and saw that special something surround them, hide them in their own small little world where nothing else mattered.

"Today is my free day, we were suppsed to play together. But no, instead you'd rather spend time with a sword than with me"

"That's not true, Iggy. I did lose track of time! Don't be mad at me"

Was that... Ignis pouting? Astrals, Noctis guffawed then like he had not done in a while, he doubled over his stomach and felt the blood rush to his cheeks. This explosion of sound drew the other kids attention to him and they blinked as if for an instant they had forgotten Noctis was even in the room. Gladio-Ignis was still under his arm- greeted "Ah, good morning Your Highness. You're so tiny I didn't see you standing there"

The prince wiping tears from the corner of his eyes answered "Yeah, right. I forgive you though, you were obviously busy with other things" he smiled mischievously and looked at Ignis who shook his head and at once, pulled away from the taller boy's grasp. He looked at Gladio again with his typical expression yet the light dusting on his cheekbones remained.

"So, um," Noctis started since he had the slight feeling that if he didn't intervene and let them keep at it, they'd probably get nothing done "Are you two finished? Can we go play?"

Gladio raised an eyebrow "And who invited you?"

"I invited myself" Noctis challenged back.

Before Gladio had the chance to retort, Ignis asked "Ok, what do you suggest?"

"Hide and seek" he said, not really thinking about what he was saying and froze when he did . The other boys paralyzed at the mention of the game. Noctis swallowed and felt his palms shake at his sides. Crap, he had done it. He had been the one to say it first. Ignis and Gladio smiled smugly at the no longer laughing prince.

To other people, it might not have seemed like a big deal. However, playing hide and seek inside The Citadel was actually a pretty big deal-the building was practically built like a maze! Therefore, they had come up with this little rule that stated that whoever made mention of aforesaid game first would be the one searching, doing the ardous task of looking into every room and every area in the palace.

This was serious. And extreme.

Gladio clapped "Nice! So it's decided. Thanks for that one, Noct"

Noctis groaned and shifted from one foot to the other. Just one second of distraction had been enough to get him in this mess. He tugged a the hem of his shirt and warned Gladio he would pursue him to the edge of the world to catch him. The other boy merely shook his fist at him and dared him to trywhile Ignis chuckled from behind him. They threatened each other stupidly (it wasn't even serious, they were both trying hard not to crack up) until Ignis got fed up and started walking towards the door, Gladio following close like an oversized puppy protecting its master.

Noctis sighed in resignation after they left and started counting painfully to twenty, feeling like he had to carry a boulder up a hill.

As expected, it took him hours to find the other boys. The afternoon light was hot on his back as he moved from room to room in search of his friends, plus he took longer than usual due to his injury. He only made it because a kind maid slipped it accidentally that she had seen them going in the direction of his room. At the moment he was heading there, tired, a fine layer of sweat everywhere on him. When he reached his door, he saw that they had not even bothered with closing the door all the way; a gap allowed him to see inside the room without alerting them of his presence.

Curious, he rubbed his sweaty palms on his trousers and dared to take a peek.

They were talking in hushed voices. Sitting at the feet of Noctis's bed, Gladio's naked knee and Ignis's clothed one brushed as they spoke, their bodies turned slightly towards each other. That odd aura was in the air again, the difference was that this time Noctis felt unwelcome instead of tolerated, as he saw them smile little fond things, poke at their ribs and joke like he hd never seen them joke before. This was not like that moment he had seen earlier. This was private, unique, it belonged to them alone.

Something about their positions made them look happier, healthier, more at ease. They were the rarest combination in existence, the wild Gladio and the strict Ignis. Albeit, in Noctis's room, their legs extended out and no one else in sight, they made perfect sense somehow. Gladio's rough nature appeared to fit in with Ignis's straight lines.

The prince's heart throbbed too slow inside his ribcage and suddenly, he was overwhelmed by everything in his life. The same feverish sensation that hit him after his forgotten nightmre returned like a fire rekindled by the wind.

He had to leave.

Struggling with a dozen rocks on his chest weighing him down, he ran away from the room that smelled out of nowhere so strongly of funeral flowers and the one thing he couldn't seem to grab. He moved to the closest window and pressed his forehead against the glass, his hands followed suit and he took in the thriving city of Insomnia underneath his gaze, his ears welcomed the melody of human life evolving down there where he could not reach.

And he wondered, breath clouding the transparent material beneath his lips, why he had the sudden need to look at the city, at the buildings, trying to recognize a familiar shape that faded away like fog if he tried to focus on it. For some reason, his heart yearned for something unseen.

He wondered, was there something (someone) waiting for him? Could it be that somewhere in Insomnia was that thing he had desired from the start?

His fingers curled against the glass.

That night, at dinner, sitting across his father in the dining hall, just the two of them, he deciddd to voice the question that had plagued him since he caught Gladio and Ignis at a game of hide and seek that became so much more.

"Father, can I go to school?"

His father, the King, stopped in the middle of taking a spoonful of soup.

"Why that question now out of all times? Are you not satisfied with your tutors?"

"No, I like them. But I... I sometimes feel... Ignis and Gladio are busy doing other stuff most of the time and... I can't stay locked up here forever, right?"

"I have to go out someday. Know the place where I live. Learn to be fine outside the palace"

He looked up, face stern and decided. Too old for an eight year old, too young to be an adult quite yet.

The King smiled exhaustedly.