Jesus won't talk to anyone, not even Mariana, but I've gotten a lot closer to her and Callie in school and stuff and they've been helping me out, they tell me that I should stop stressing about Jesus and I need to focus on telling AJ and then, whatever happens, I need to focus on school and getting a job. They remind me I went looking for AJ to get my life on track, and I was lucky enough to find a foster home that can help me through it.
"You keep feeling guilty about all this stuff but you're just putting yourself first, which is what you need to do sometimes," Callie tells me as we sit on the beach at lunch.
"Yeah, you're allowed to try and have a good future, you just need do it better ways,"
"You guys are so right, I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna tell AJ tonight, he's coming over for dinner right?"
"Yeah then we were gonna study together, but that doesn't matter, you can have him. Mariana and I will be around if you need us there or something,"
"He's your boyfriend, Callie, if this hurts him, he's going to need you," I tell her.
"Are you sure?" I nod to her, "Okay, well I'll meet you guys later to walk home," She says as she notices AJ waiting for her across the courtyard. He won't even look at me.
"God this is gonna be so hard, but I can do it, right?"
"Of course you can, once you've lived with the Adams-Foster women for a while, it starts to rub off on you," She laughs.
After lunch Mariana and I have different classes, and my next one is with Jesus, he sits behind me and I can hear him shaking his leg under the desk, I can't help but feel nervous he's gonna lash out on me again. I get so nervous about talking to AJ later that I have to be excused from class, I barely wait for Timothy to let me go before I run out of the classroom. I feel like I'm gonna puke, as I'm running through the hall to get to the bathroom I literally run into Lena.
"Hey Cressida, you shouldn't be running on that ankle-"
"I have to go," I run past her to make a break for the bathroom, I just about get there in time to aim for the toilet. I've been so scared for anything before.
"Cressida?" I hear Lena coming into to the girl's room. I push the door open so she can see me sitting on the floor by the toilet, I'm sure I look a complete mess. Lena comes and sits next to me, "What's going on? Are you on something?"
"No, no, I promise, I'm just nervous about something,"
"It's gotta be something big if it's making you sick sweetie," She hands me some toilet paper to wipe my mouth, "Haven't we learned that it's best to talk about our feelings?"
"I need to tell AJ, now, it's driving me crazy,"
"Okay, I see, you don't need to do it right this second do you?"
"Yes, I do, I need to tell him!" I try to scramble up but Lena pulls me in closely, she doesn't even care that I reek of vomit and I'm crying all over her.
"Not this second, come on Cressida, I'll take you home,"
"But you have to work?"
"It's fine, come on, sweetie," She helps me get to my feet, my legs feel like jelly and I can't stop shaking.
The bell rings as we walk through the halls to get to Lena's car, everyone comes flooding out of their classrooms, we pass Jesus and he just looks at me, I can't tell what he's feeling. I guess I don't know him as well as I thought I did. Lena rushes me out to avoid embarrassment.
"Can you call AJ? I need to see him now," I say as Lena has me sit down on the couch.
"You need a break, Cressida, just calm down and you can talk to him later, I promise," She hands me a hot chocolate.
"I can't wait that long!"
"Cressida, stop yelling!" She wraps her arms around me so tight that I can't move, but it makes me feel safe and secure. All I can do is scream into her sweater. "You're okay, Cress. You're gonna be just fine."
A few hours later, when Lena is cooking dinner, Jesus comes home. He stands in the hall staring at me, the look in his eyes hurts me so much, he's in pain and it's my fault.
"Please don't yell at me, I can't handle it right now," I say to him.
"I know," He surprises me by talking softly, "Um," He slowly walks over to me, "I just want to say I'm sorry, for pushing you the other day, and yelling," I smile at him, "It doesn't change anything, I just wanted to tell you," He walks away from me, not taking a second to look back.
For a split second, I thought we would be okay. I was wrong. I break down in silent tears, I don't want to alert Lena that there's more going on with me, I know she would get it out of me and then she'd hate me. She took my phone away from me because she knew I'd try and call AJ, but I can't even text Callie or Mariana, I just have to wait until one of them comes home, but Jude beats them. He sees me instantly and comes and sits next to me.
"Hey," He says, "You weren't in Math,"
"Yeah, I got sick and Lena took me home," I guess that's not technically a lie.
"Well you didn't miss much, you know Charlie? He kicked off about not being able to do something so the teacher took him to isolation and we basically just spent the whole period doing nothing," I feel slightly relieved, but school is the last thing I care about right now.
"Hey," AJ suddenly comes through the front door, Jude leaves us to talk, it's happening now. "I heard what happened at school, you okay?" He still cares about me even though he's mad.
"Yeah I'm fine," Lena comes in when she hears his voice, she looks at me nervously, "Uh, I need to talk to you,"
"Don't worry about that right now, you're sick you need to get better,"
"No that's not it, I threw up because of you, because I was nervous to tell you,"
"I make you that nervous? I'm so sorry," He tries to put his arm around me but I get up and step back.
"Don't do that, don't comfort me," I'm petrified, "I don't deserve it,"
"Okay, you're scaring me now, what's going on?" He gets up to approach me but I step further back, Lena is right next to me, I take her hand.
"I did something, a while ago and I've been wanting to tell you since I found you, but I was so scared because we were getting on so well and I didn't wanna ruin that. Then you were mad at me and it made it even harder, but if I don't tell you I'll never get over it,"
"Just tell me,"
"I killed our mom," I spit it right out, "It's my fault she died,"
"What?" He stares at me, shaking his head trying to figure it out.
"I didn't mean to, I thought she was someone else and-" I break down.
"Deep breaths," Lena says to me.
"I was trying to save her from someone, but she came home early and it was her instead of him,"
"I'm not sure I get it," He doesn't seem angry, just really confused.
"I can't do this anymore!" I drop to the ground, he comes over to me.
"Do you want me to explain it to him?" Lena asks as she and AJ pick me up. I nod through my hysterical tears. I know he should hear it from me but it hurts so much reliving the moment when I opened the kitchen door and saw her... I just can't. "Jude," Lena calls, "Take Cressida outside. He comes in from the kitchen and we go outside to sit on the swings. I try to look through the windows to get a look at what's going on but I can't see anything.
"If," Jude starts, "If things don't go well with your brother," I look to him, "You've always got me, I'm your brother,"
"Jude, that's so sweet," I hug him, "You're all so nice to me, I don't really get why, I've just barged into your lives and taken up all this space,"
"We're already a huge family, one more of us doesn't make much of a difference, we like having you here, even Jesus,"
"What do you mean even Jesus? He's mad at me for keeping that huge secret,"
"I know but he said something last night, he said that he can see that the rest of us like having you around and he would be selfish to get in the way of that, he's not a bad guy Cressida, he just tends to take everything kinda personally. He'll come around eventually,"