This was written for my 'Emotion Challenge' and for Screaming Faeries' "Once I Was 7 Years Old..." challenge. My line from the song was "once I was eleven years old, my daddy told me, 'go get yourself a wife or you'll be lonely'".

Emotion/Feeling: Insecure

Pairing: Wolfstar

Rating: K

Word Count: 1,155

Insecure

When Sirius Black was eleven years old, his father told him to get himself a wife or he'd be lonely. It wasn't often that the eldest Black heeded the words of his father, but he could see the man's point on this particular occasion. He most certainly didn't want to be lonely. So, from the moment he stepped on the Hogwarts Express on his first day of school, Sirius was on the lookout for a wife.

By the end of his first year, Sirius hadn't managed to find a suitable wife. He supposed he was a bit young. Girls just seemed disgusting in his eyes. At his age, he'd rather be throwing dungbombs into Severus Snape's bag.

So he tried again in second year, but he was also unsuccessful. Twelve was also a little bit too young, he decided. He would definitely find himself a wife in third year – he would be a teenager.

Third year flew by and not a wife to be seen. Sirius was starting to get a little worried. It was in third year that Sirius became insecure. He wondered what could possibly be wrong with him. Why could he not find a wife? His best friend, James, had set his eyes on Lily Evans. Sirius just wished he could find a nice girl.

Fourth year came and went, and Sirius decided that enough was enough. Sirius had his first kiss in fourth year with Marlene McKinnon. She was average. Sirius didn't understand why boys found girls so pretty. And the kiss? It was like kissing the back of his hand. While Marlene looked as though Christmas had come early, Sirius felt as though his wedding day would never come. After Marlene, Sirius kissed around ten other girls. Apparently, Sirius was a catch, but he didn't enjoy any of those kisses. So fourth year ended and he still hadn't found himself a wife.

When fifth year started, Sirius felt like he was being controlled by his insecurities. He wished that he was James. Hell, he even wished that he was Peter sometimes, because even Peter had found love, and he seemed to enjoy every bit of it. One day, he decided to sit down with James and speak to him about his dilemma.

"How do you know that you are in love?" Sirius asked.

"She just brightens up my day, you know?" James said dreamily, staring at the red-head from across the room. "I can't look at her without smiling. I would do anything to protect her. Hey, kinda like you and Remus, right?"

"Hm?"

"That's it!" James said excitedly. "You're in love with Remus!"

"I beg your pardon?" Sirius demanded, outraged. He couldn't be in love with Remus. Remus was a boy! It was just absurd.

"Trust me, I'm right. The way the two of you act around each other – it all makes sense now! The way you look at him, and talk about him, and the way you defend him and protect him. You love him!"

"I am not having this ridiculous discussion," Sirius snapped, walking away. But the thought could not be dislodged from his head. The things James had said did make sense, as much as Sirius hated to admit it. Sirius couldn't be gay. This thought just made him feel ten times as insecure as he had already been. Even if he was gay, he most certainly didn't want to be. He wished he could be someone else.

By the time sixth year had started, Sirius had been struggling with his sexuality for exactly six months. He definitely didn't like girls – that much had always been clear. But he didn't like boys. He just liked Remus. No, he had gotten past that point. He loved Remus. But he couldn't find a way to tell his friend. He was so afraid of what Remus would say. Being in love with Remus was tearing Sirius apart inside. He didn't want to love him, and he wanted a wife so badly. He wanted to find the girl that he was supposed to find at eleven years old.

But when Sirius thought of marriage, the first person that popped into his head was Remus. You're a Gryffindor, Sirius told himself. Work up the courage and tell him. But sixth year ended and Remus was still unaware of Sirius's feelings.

Seventh year started and Sirius was still very insecure in his own skin. He watched all of his classmates starting relationships and ending relationships, and there was him, secretly in love with one of his best friends. James and Lily had finally gotten together, and Sirius really was happy. He watched them from afar, and when James caught his eye, he headed over to Sirius.

"Why are you not kissing Remus right now?" James demanded.

"I can't tell him."

"You will tell him," James said. "Trust me, he loves you."

"How do you know?" Sirius asked.

"Because," James sighed, looking exhausted. "Look, you two are as bad as each other. You both spend every day whining to me about how you can't have each other and I keep telling you both to admit your feelings to each other but you are both too scared and insecure."

Sirius couldn't explain the feeling in his chest. He had never felt anything quite like it before. It was as though his heart was fluttering, cliché as that sounded. So, with James's words ringing in his head, Sirius grabbed the Marauder's Map and scoured it for the location of Remus. A little dot indicated that Remus was upstairs in the dormitory. When Sirius arrived, he walked straight up to Remus and cleared his throat.

"Remus, I-" Sirius started, suddenly feeling nervous. "I have to talk to you."

Remus peered up at him from behind the book he was reading. "Go on."

Sirius fiddled nervously with the hem of his shirt and avoided eye contact with Remus. "I'm in love."

Sirius saw Remus put his book away from the corner of his eye. He glanced at Remus, who was looking white as a sheet. Merlin, Sirius thought. Why is he so scared?

"Who are you in love with?" Remus asked.

Sirius closed his eyes. This was it – the moment that he'd been waiting for. "You," he whispered.

Remus's face resumed its usual colour, and before Sirius could realise what was happening, Remus had lunged at him. Their lips met, fitting perfectly together in a kiss that ignited every nerve in Sirius's body. It was like his body was on fire, but in a good way. The kiss was very short and very sweet, and when it was over, Sirius grinned at Remus.

For Sirius was no longer insecure. He had finally found what he'd been looking for, and Remus may not be female, or something that his parents would approve of, but Sirius was in love with him and he was very much okay with that.

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