Wow, thank you all for the awesome reviews! I love and appreciate all of you and am so pleased that you're enjoying this (okay, maybe not enjoying, because I have tortured you with quite a bit of angst, but at least you're sticking with me) so far.

Apologies for the wait. To be honest, the bulk of this has been done for over two freakin' weeks now. But writer's block and a massive lack of motivation hit...I've opened it and stared at it at least three dozen times and just couldn't get my shit together and finish it and now summer is here, and I'm busy so who knows when updates will happen? I do promise to push on through and finish it up, though.

That morning Derek decided it was time to wean Ella off the sedatives. Addison sat anxiously at her side, looking for signs of improvement. She hardly dared to blink, fearing she might miss the fluttering of lashes, the twitch of a finger, any movement besides the rhythmic, too-perfect rise and fall of her daughter's chest. She prayed for an alert from the monitor signaling that Ella was breathing over the vent. Nothing.

Minutes turned to hours, hours to days, and for a week nothing changed. She found it hard to keep her promise to Callie; nothing tasted good, and it just sat like lead in the pit of her stomach anyways. The whispers and stares she drew every time she ventured beyond the cocoon of the NICU were a painful reminder that she was a shell of the woman she'd been less than a month ago. She knew what people were saying. Doctor Montgomery, the OB/GYN who blew her one chance to have a baby; the world-renowned neonatal surgeon whose baby can't be saved. She's losing it, she's letting herself go. Once upon a time (it felt like a lifetime ago, not three and a half weeks) she strutted confidently through the halls in impossibly high heels and eye-catching pencil skirts; now she lived in her old Yale hoodie - her grown-up version of a security blanket - and showed up in leggings or sweatpants - the only things that didn't irritate her incision - and running shoes, hoping to slip unnoticed from the parking lot to the NICU where most of the parents looked as shell-shocked and disheveled as she did. Gone were the days when her hair and makeup had to be perfect. There was no point agonizing over eyeliner when she was going to cry it off anyways, right? And her hair? She really wasn't even sure when she last washed it, let alone attempted anything more complicated than a ponytail.

She was sitting in the rocking chair she'd claimed as her own, one leg drawn up to her chest, the other propelling her ever-so-slightly, when Derek approached and pulled up a stool. "Hey, how's Meredith? Have you two met with the cardiologist yet?" She wasn't terribly interested in his reply, though she did feel slightly guilty that she hadn't inquired about the twins since her ordeal began; she was just eager for any conversation besides the one she knew Derek wanted to have.

"We did, and we have another appointment with her next week. Meredith is doing well, and both boys are fine for the time being."

She nodded. "Good. That's good. And she's still working?"

"Addison, I'm not here to talk about Meredith." He tried to take her hand but she pulled away. "Addie, it's been a week. She hasn't shown any signs of improvement."

"The seizures stopped."

"That's because we changed her meds, not because she's getting better." True, he had upped the dose of one, discontinued the other, and added a new one to the mix, which seemed to do the trick.

"She's not getting any worse."

"Addison, that could change at any minute. You need a plan. If something happens and you're not here, we need to know how far to go, and when enough is enough."

"It would be so much easier for you, wouldn't it?" she whispered ferociously. "Just let her go, get rid of her so your dirty little secret can stay safe. You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

He looked as though he'd been slapped, and it gave her a small shred of satisfaction. She knew it wasn't true, that he didn't feel that way - probably not, anyways - but she was hurting and, even though it was wrong, she wanted him to hurt too, to feel something, anything, over the plight of the child he'd helped create. "Addison-"

"I'm sorry. I'm not ready. Just leave me alone." Her voice was tiny but firm as she rested her forehead on her knee.

"Fine. When you're ready to talk, you know where to find me."

"Yeah, don't count on it."

…..

The next afternoon, after another restless night, Addison was fighting a losing battle with her eyelids when a blaring alarm rid her of any need for sleep. She glanced at the monitor and barely suppressed the urge to jump up and dance. "She's breathing! She's actually breathing!" she squealed as Nicole Williams hurried over and examined Ella.

"Yes, she is," Nicole agreed happily as she adjusted the settings on the ventilator. "Let's just see if we can't get her breathing a little more."

An hour later Alex appeared, tired after a long surgery. "What's going on?" he asked, surprised to find Addison with an ear-to-ear grin on her face.

"She's starting to breathe on her own! And she opened her eyes. I mean it was for, like, two seconds, but still. And she grabbed my finger!" That was a bit of a stretch. She'd touched Ella's hand, and the baby's fingers had just barely curled around hers for a split second. It wasn't much, but it was a step in the right direction.

Alex grinned. "That's awesome. Way to go, Ella. You're gonna prove that grumpy old doctor Shepherd wrong, aren't you?"

It took another day, but by the following evening everyone was in agreement that Ella was ready to be extubated. Addison was certain that the weak, raspy cry that followed was the most beautiful sound she'd ever heard. "It's okay, baby, it's okay. It's all over now," she soothed as she waited for Nicole and Alex to confirm that it was okay for her to pick Ella up. Finally Nicole gave her the thumbs up, and she settled in the chair with Ella.

"So, why don't we see if she wants to eat?" Nicole suggested.

"Yeah? You think so?"

"Might as well."

Addison unbuttoned her top and, after what seemed like forever, got the baby into position but something didn't feel right. "I don't think this is working. She's not latching on right, and I don't think she's getting anything," she admitted in defeat when Ella pulled away and fussed for the third time.

"Okay, no big deal. Sometimes a bottle is easier, so let's try that instead."

A nurse procured a bottle and Addison was relieved to see Ella take to it with more ease than the breast, but she was concerned that half the milk was running down her chin. When Ella started coughing and sputtering a few moments later, she set the bottle aside. "Okay, I don't think this is a good idea," she fretted as she patted the baby's back.

"Addison, it's okay," Nicole assured her calmly. "You know this happens sometimes after a brain injury because of abnormal muscle tone, uncoordinated breathing, sucking, and swallowing. We'll continue with the NG tube for now, and I'll call speech pathology first thing in the morning for a consult. We'll get it all figured out. Try not to worry too much."

Addison spent a few more hours with Ella, then tucked her back into the isolette for the night and headed home. While she was sad that Ella would, apparently, continue to struggle, it was far outweighed by her excitement that Ella was finally awake and alert. For the first time in over three weeks she managed to get a decent amount of sleep, and she all but pranced through the halls of the hospital the next morning. She almost ran into Derek as she was getting on the elevator.

"Well, you're rather...perky this morning," he noted with amusement as she got on the elevator.

"You were wrong," she announced with a grin. "She woke up. She's awake, she came off the vent last night, she's opening her eyes...she's great. Amazing. And did I mention you were wrong?"

"Go ahead, rub it in," Derek said. He wanted to remind her that Ella was still at risk for further bleeds, strokes, and infection, but bit his tongue and let her revel in the baby's improvement. "I'm glad. Believe me, in situations like this I'm more than happy to be proven wrong, and I hope she continues to improve."

"Thanks." She continued on to the NICU in time to catch rounds. "So, everything okay overnight?"

"She had a few apneic spells, but nothing major. She's holding her own," Alex announced, clearly pleased.

"And I already spoke with speech, she'll be going for a swallow study later this morning," Nicole added.

"You are amazing, you know that?" Addison cooed at Ella as she swaddled the baby and picked her up. "Yes, you are, and mommy's so proud of you." She sat with Ella until it was time for the swallow evaluation, then waited anxiously for the results. When the time came, she sat around a table with Nicole, Alex, and James Dillon, the speech pathologist.

"Okay, so I have the results of the test," James said to begin the discussion. "As of right now, she has a very weak suck, and she tires easily. More importantly, though, she is not coordinating her breathing and swallowing at all, and, as such, is at a high risk for aspiration, so for the time being she is not to take anything by mouth."

Addison sighed. "Yeah, that's about what I figured from last night."

"We will work with her on a daily basis, starting today, to build up her strength and coordination, and we'll reevaluate in a week. Any questions?"

Addison shook her head; with all her years of experience, she pretty much knew what to expect. "No, I don't think so."

"Okay, well, if you do think of anything, don't be afraid to call. I'll see you around."

She started to get up once James was gone, but Nicole stopped her. "Addison, wait. While you're here, there is something else we should discuss. I think now is a good time to put in a G tube," she stated. Addison just groaned and buried her face in her hands. "Addison, you know the NG tube isn't meant to be a long-term solution. It's going to be a while - a couple of months, at the very least - before she's able to take everything by mouth. It's a very simple procedure. She'll be out in an hour, the recovery time is minimal, and it will be a lot safer and more comfortable."

"I know. I just...why can't anything be normal? I would just like to be able to do one normal thing with my daughter. The only thing I've been able to do for her is feed her, and now I can't even do that!"

"You've been pumping for her since her last surgery. That's great for her, and you can keep doing that until she's ready to nurse again. And just being there - holding her, talking to her - makes a world of difference. You know that. I know it seems like a step in the wrong direction when all you want is to get her out of here, but don't let it get you down. Don't give up. Okay?"

Addison stared blankly ahead, her voice flat when she answered. "Yeah." Of course she'd known from the start that Ella might have long-term issues from the brain bleed, but she'd managed to maintain a spark of hope that maybe, just maybe, she might escape unscathed; the prospect of placing what very well may be a permanent feeding tube effectively snuffed that spark out.

Nicole left and Alex slid into the chair next to Addison. "Add, don't be like that. It's not the end of the world. It's nothing. A walk in the park compared to what she's already been through. She's gonna get through this so just hang in there." He reached over to tuck a stray lock of hair behind her ear, only to have her swat his hand away.

"I want her to come home. I want her to be happy and healthy. I don't want her to have another surgery. I don't want to hear that there's another thing wrong with her, and I don't want to look on the bright side, or keep my fucking head up, okay? So can I have a minute to wallow here, to not be all bright and shiny? Is that alright?"

Alex got up and stormed to the door. "Yeah, it's fine." He gave one last glance back at her and returned to the NICU; as much as he wanted to console her, he knew there wasn't much to do when she got like this.

Addison sat for a few more minutes before getting up and wandering out of room. Eventually she found herself outside. It was rather chilly, being the beginning of March, but not raining. She stood with her back to the building, the crisp air clearing her mind, for nearly an hour before deciding it was time to go back to Ella. She found Alex rocking Ella and talking softly to her.

"Hey."

"Hey." He glanced up from the baby to see her staring at him, looking a bit sheepish. "Better now?"

"Yeah, I think so." She moved behind him and peered over his shoulder at her daughter's tiny face. Ella was awake, but calm and content in his arms. "You were on call last night. You should be home right now."

"Yeah, well, my little buddy thought mommy needed a break and asked me to hang out for a while."

She straightened up and ran her fingers through his hair. "You're too good for mommy. Mommy doesn't deserve you." Her tone was light, but she was only half joking. Alex was a good guy - a really, really good guy - but she was so often bitchy, crazy, and downright rude, and she had to wonder how much longer could she expect him to put up with her?

He got to his feet slowly and turned to face her. "That's not true. You deserve way more than this. Not that I'm complaining." He flashed that trademark Karev smirk to let her know all was forgiven and placed Ella in her arms before leaning in for a quick kiss. "I'm outta here. Don't stay too late."

Okay, I'm not thrilled with this. I feel like things are dragging a bit (Agree? Disagree? Am I bogging you down with too much medical stuff? Anything you want to see more - or less - of? Let me know what you think.) and the next chapter - which might even go up tomorrow - will start skipping ahead a little.