Detente
Triple Encryption: Enabled
Personal Internal Log: OPTIMUS PRIME
Entry # 337485667
I need to record an event which has changed me, and for the better. But I'm not sure I will be able to put it into adequate words. I will do my best, and hope that something useful comes from the effort. But there is no way to describe what I saw.
I suppose I should start out by admitting that I have never liked Starscream. I feel uncomfortable saying this, as it seems to me that I should have some kind of fellow-feeling for all the mechs of Cybertron, be they Autobot or Decepticon. But there was always something about Starscream that unnerved me, something I never knew how to handle.
I will never say this out loud to anyone. But I'm glad he's dead. I do not believe the Ceasefire could have held long with him online, and I hate the thought of caging him in spark-containment for eternity.
With that said, I must also record that he hates me more than he hates any other mech. And with good reason. I was given the one thing that he wanted above all else. And then he was killed to keep me alive, in order that I might keep the thing he craved.
I am speaking of Megatron's spark.
And I never really wanted that, either.
Which fact only made the whole situation that much harder on Starscream.
And so around and round it went.
I wasn't able to help Megatron, when he started having his nightmares. It was Starscream's ghost - whether real or imagined makes little difference – that was visiting him in his troubled recharge cycles. If it had been any other mech, any other memories, I could have helped him through. But in this, I could only stand by, and watch from a distance. I'm still disappointed in myself that I had to delegate that task to Elita.
When Megatron came to me, and told me that Starscream had gone for good, that he had made his peace, I was glad. I was glad for my bond-brother. But I was also selfishly relieved on my own behalf. Finally, I thought, I would be able to stop fretting about that attention-demanding Seeker.
Right...
Of course, I didn't stop fretting about him. The more I learned about the Starscream that huddled beneath the carefully-shined exterior, the worse I felt for the way I had treated him. I wanted to apologize somehow for taking the one thing he had dearly wanted. I hadn't liked him; but I hadn't wanted to hurt him. I had not wanted to drive him out of his mind.
I couldn't stop thinking about him.
I couldn't stop the regret those thoughts would bring. I felt awful for what I had done to him, no matter how honorable my intentions had been, and how successful the outcome was turning out to be.
And that is why this – event, whatever it was – means so much to me.
I may never know whether this was anything more than an unusually vivid dream. But I'll hold onto it, just the same, whether or not it was 'real.'
I had just plugged into the chargers, and was lying on my berth, powering down. Something drew my attention, and there in the doorway, I saw two mechs. I knew they were dead ; they were insubstantial, somehow. Ethereal. They looked the same as they had in life, but I think that my hand might have passed right through them if I had tried to touch their armor. One of the mechs was Starscream.
His friend, the other mech who had come with him, stood behind him in the doorway, and motioned him gently to move forward into the room. Starscream frowned, but in he came.
He stood before me, looking defiant, but not speaking. I sat up, and faced him. I glanced over quickly at the other mech, and he nodded gravely to me. I scanned his image, and searched the archives until I found his ident-records. I now know a little better who Halfback was. But I understood him better in that one shared glance than I would have if I had spent a vorn researching him. He had brought Starscream here to make peace with me; and that spoke volumes.
I needed to make my peace with him as well, to let go of all the stored resentment I felt, all the piled-up guilt and shame. And I knew that I would be given no other chance.
So I stood.
I wanted to reach out to him. But I held back. This was Starscream, and I still carried a lingering unease around him, a reluctance to get too close to him for fear of being contaminated by his unquantifiable wrongness.
Besides, I told myself, he was a ghost.
But my spark ached for him.
He seemed to want to say something. Or possibly he was trying not to say something. If I were him, I'd have been shouting words that would make even Megatron blush. I could see that he still hated me.
Well, perhaps not hated. He had come to me to make peace, after all.
But still he spoke no word.
And suddenly I wanted desperately to let him know how sorry I was for my part in all this. I couldn't go back; there was nothing I could – or even would – change. But I was sorry. He was a child of Primus same as I was, and deserved more of my respect than I had shown him.
So I held out my hand. Not to touch him; that was impossible both because of the differences in our dimension, and because I think it would have been torture to him to have me touch him. No, I held out my fist, palm downwards. Then I opened up the hand in the old, wordless expression of true sorrow and regret. I wanted his forgiveness. And I wanted to give him some measure of my own.
His response wasn't much. But he nodded. And he held out his own hand in a quick, half-formed mirror of my own gesture, one that emphasized the letting go. I understood what he meant. He had come here to finally and completely relinquish the claim which he had held on Megatron for so many years. He was giving the mech he had pursued for so long over into my care. And that must have been one of the hardest things he has ever done, especially voluntarily.
I felt my responsibility for Megatron double. From now on, I will care for him not only as his bond-brother, but on behalf of Starscream as well. I will do that for him. I promised him that night that I would not let him down. I promised him that I would take care of ol' Megs... well, not the way he would have, if he'd been allowed to. But to the best of my ability. It's all any of us can do...
His coming to me at all had been a gift – I'm sure if was dreadfully hard for him to offer such forgiveness, to accept, to let go of something he had craved so desperately for so long. I wish I could have done more for him.
But as I reached out to him again and tried to speak, he turned on his heel and strode out of the door without a backward glance. The other mech nodded again – that same deep, knowing expression on his face - and followed him.
Starscream was gone.
Gone from my life now, as he had finally gone from Megatron's, leaving us free. He had given to me his claim on Megatron. And I was not such a fool as to undervalue that gift.
I will forever be grateful to that unknown mech, for bringing Starscream back, and helping us both to let go of the heavy burdens we had carried.
It feels good, to have seen that side of Starscream. It is a relief, to have been given that instant to express to him my regret. We will still never be close friends. But I no longer fear him, as I once did.
I will try always to remember this night, and the things I saw.
I must never allow myself to act so selfishly again. For I do not believe that we are often given a second chance like this to make amends.
Thank you, Halfback, whoever you were.
And thank you, Starscream. I will not fail your trust.
This I swear.
Prime Out.
Top Secret Data Entry
Save / Delete -?-