A/N- This is a monster of a chapter, but probably my favorite hands down. The bit in Seattle is something of a Grey's Anatomy cross over though you don't need to have seen the show to understand.

...

Alex scanned a look around the storage locker. After her funeral, Olivia had enlisted Elliot and Kathy's help and together they packed everything, putting it in storage here until she could come back. She was overwhelmed with all the reminders of who she had once been. Her life, packed up and neatly labeled in boxes.

Alex climbed her way through the boxes to her desk, she pulled out the bottom drawer and rooted her hand around in the space. Her fingers closed on a velvet box and she pocketed it. She found a few boxes with 'clothes' written on them in Olivia's untidy scrawl, she loaded them into the back of her truck and locked the unit. She would be back to deal with the rest later, for now all she wanted to do was be with Olivia.

She drove to the detective's apartment, going up with one box in hand.

Alex knocked on the door with a shy smile, and when Olivia answered she just started talking, "I know this is sort of crazy, because at least I feel pretty crazy, but life is fucking crazy and the last three years have proven that. But the point is that through it all, I only want to be with you. And I don't mean like right now or anytime soon or anything but just like eventually in the future, would you marry me?"

Olivia smiled at her flustered girlfriend, she knew it was quite the event that the eloquent lawyer couldn't get her thoughts together and it was endearing. Alex opened the velvet box she had been carrying to reveal a modest silver ring.

"You don't have to feel pressured to say yes or anything, I just I had this ring before and now I wanted-"

"Of course I want to marry you." Olivia interrupted. Alex's smile was blinding as she slid the ring onto Olivia's finger.

That night they ordered Chinese food in and watched 'Friends' reruns on the TV. Olivia managed to divert Alex's attention enough to get the blonde lying on her back on the couch, the detective between her legs, their lips locked together while their hands wandered. The brunette made quick work of Alex's shirt, discarding it on the floor. Alex took hers in retaliation.

Olivia trailed her kisses down the bare abdomen beneath her, stopping short when she noticed a tattoo on Alex's hip she hadn't seen before. The blonde's head lifted to see what had caused Olivia to pause and blushed when she saw her line of sight.

"I got it in Georgia." Alex said, "Bouncing around in WITSEC, I just started feeling so empty. One day I was in the store and I couldn't remember the brand of coffee I always used to get in New York. I know it was such a stupid little thing, but it just felt like I was losing who I used to be as Alexandra Cabot. Like I was forgetting her, and if I forgot her entirely it would be like I really had died."

"It's not stupid, it's a completely valid feeling." Olivia said, her fingers reverently tracing over the two letters. Simple lowercase letters in typewriter font, 'ac' on the flat of Alex's left hip.

"When I was in the program, I wasn't even allowed to write my own name for three years. I guess it kind of got to me."

"It could get to anyone." Olivia nodded reassuringly, "You are so incredibly strong, Alex. I'm constantly in awe of you."

The lawyer blushed under her girlfriend's praise, unwilling to let the moment get too heavy, she laid her hand beneath Olivia's chin, urging the brunette back up to meet her lips. This was enough.

…

Alex was living in Seattle, it was her second placement in WITSEC, and she was trying her best to make it work. She was living in a condo in the city, it wasn't New York, but it felt more homely than the suburb of Arizona she had been previously occupying. She was working with a real estate firm, drawing up contracts and processing the deeds. It wasn't a job she would have ever selected for herself, but it was still in the legal field and that was all she could ask for.

She was sitting in her office, trying to focus on the words on the page in front of her, but they were all blurring together. She had been getting bad headaches and stomach cramps lately, but she just wrote them off as anxiety related. Now, with blurred vision, and she was perhaps getting a little more concerned.

Alex stood from her desk, walking shakily from the office and into the hall, intent on making it to the bathroom at the end of the hall. A coworker saw her unsteady progress, "Beth, are you alright?"

"Fine." Alex bit out, her hands shaking and her vision narrowing, "I'm fine."

"You're pale and you look terrible."

"Thanks." The blonde groused, taking one more step and collapsing.

She woke up later in a hospital, her clothes swapped for a thin gown, an IV dripping into her arm. Her head was pounding and she just laid for a moment, her eyes still clamped shut as she tried to get a hold on what was happening.

"Heat exhaustion?" A male voice asked from her right.

"She works indoor, in air conditioning." A female voice replied.

"Okay, what about atrial fibrillation?"

"No, her heart rhythm is strong and regular now." A different female voice dismissed.

"Gastrointestinal bleeding?"

"It could be, it's easy enough to rule out if her stool is clear of blood though."

"Maybe it's anorexia, she's thin as a rake." A haughty male suggested.

"Sure, you see a beautiful skinny blonde and you assume she's got an eating disorder." A third female shot back.

How many people were in her room? Alex slowly blinked open her eyes, "Beautiful and skinny? Are all hospitals this complimentary?" She asked, a smirk on her face as she took in the looks of surprise on the five young doctors in her room. Interns she guessed.

A blonde woman standing near her IV bag was the first to crack, "I'm sorry, we thought you were out solid and well, you're a bit of a medical anomaly!" She admitted with a shy smile.

"Izzy! You can't call someone an anomaly." A honey blonde near the door admonished.

"What she is!" The man who had accused her of being an anorexic said flatly.

"Excuse me, but how am I an anomaly?" Alex interjected, entertained by the quibbling interns.

"Healthy young woman suddenly collapses at work, no prior medical issues, there's a prize for whichever intern figures out what's' wrong with you." An Asian woman explained bluntly from where she was perched on the windowsill.

"She's a patient, not a prize." A different man interjected.

"Your heart's bleeding all over my shoes, O'Malley."

"Leave him alone, Karev."

"Why are you always defending him, you've got to let double oh seven learn to hold his own eventually."

"Enough! All of you!" An imposing blonde doctor had swept into the room with a hard expression on her face, "Get out, have none of you learned anything about bedside manner?" The interns slunk out of the room, heads hanging, "Bailey will hear about this." The blonde threatened their backs.

"I'm sorry about them." The doctor smiled at Alex.

"It's okay." She rubbed her temple, her headache really was killing her, "Am I really some medical mystery?"

The doctor's face softened, "Apparently, I'm not your doctor though, you're about twenty years too old for me." Alex chuckled at the blush covering the doctor's face as she tried to backtrack, "Not that you're too old for me, I just meant for me to be your doctor! I'm a pediatric surgeon, you know little kids and what not. You're the perfect age for me. Not for me, that sounds creepy, I just mean that we're close in age. I'm going to stop talking now."

Despite her pounding headache and the nausea rolling her stomach, Alex had to admit she was enjoying this woman, "Don't worry, Doctor."

"Robbins." The blonde filled in, "Arizona Robbins."

Over the next few hours, a revolving cast of doctors filed through her room collecting her medical history, running any number of tests. Throughout it all, her migraine and nausea just worsened.

When she finally managed to find her phone she made one call, Arizona outside her door heard all of it.

"Riley, I'm in the hospital. No, everything's fine… I passed out at the office." The doctor assumed it was a boyfriend, but then the conversation turned, "No, you don't need to send someone… I've not blown this one!.. Of course I know what your job is, but have you forgotten who I am?.. I can handle this, don't sound the red alarm over nothing. I'm probably just dehydrated, I'll get discharged and everything will go back to normal… Bye." Alex tossed her phone down with a huff and Arizona backed down the hallway.

Her lead doctor was a no nonsense woman named Miranda Bailey. She was sitting in a chair at Alex's bedside going over more fishing questions when the asian intern came in, eyes bright and a paper in her hands.

She handed it to Doctor Bailey who's eyebrows rose into her hairline, "You're anemic."

"So what, I just need to eat a steak and I'll get out of here?" Alex asked hopefully. Her voice was weak and she hated it.

"No." Doctor Bailey said, then turning to the intern, "Hit the books, Yang. Figure out what causes anemia as a complication."

As the intern left the room, Arizona entered, "How's our mystery patient?" She asked, smiling kindly at Alex.

"I'm anemic!" The attorney crowed proudly.

"Congratulations." Arizona laughed.

"And I'm gonna throw up."

The blonde doctor was quick with a plastic basin, holding it beneath Alex's chin while she spit bile. She swept Alex's hair into a knot, holding it back out of the way, "There you go." She said softly.

When Alex had finished and wiped her mouth, her gown had slipped off her shoulder, baring the edge of her large scar. Arizona saw, Alex watched her exchange a look with Doctor Bailey before Arizona sat down in the chair on the opposite side of her bed.

"So Miss Johnson, we just need to go over a few more things."

"Yeah." Alex laid back, her head was swimming.

"You're not on any medication?" Bailey asked.

"Nothing."

"Not even birth control?"

The blonde patient snorted, "No."

"How old are you?"

"Thirty."

"Your birthday is in-"

"July."

The doctor paused, "On this form you filled out during inprocessing it says June."

"Right, that's what I meant." Alex said, cursing herself.

"And your family has no history of chronic illness?"

"Just alcoholism." Alex muttered dismissively.

"You've been in pain for how long before you came in?"

"A couple of months. I didn't think anything of it."

It was Arizona who asked the next question, "How long have you been having joint pain in your shoulder?"

Alex hesitated, but everything was blurry and she was exhausted, "Nine months."

"What happened?"

"An accident."

Doctor Bailey was not pleased with that answer, "This is not the time to be cute with me. Your condition is worsening, and if you want us to be able to figure out what's wrong with you and save your life, you're going to need to be honest. What happened to your shoulder?"

"It was a hunting accident, I was shot in the shoulder."

Suddenly the Asian intern- Yang- was back in the room, two others hot on her tail, "Lead poisoning! She has ridiculously high levels of lead and it fits with the dizzyness, nausea, and anemia."

"Yang poached my test results!" A man behind her accused.

"You wouldn't have been able to put it together anyway! I just don't know how she was exposed to the lead."

"Bullet fragments." Arizona said, glaring at the insensitive young doctors.

The interns were correctly regretful as they fell silent. Bailey sighed, "Yang get me an OR, you're scrubbing in to help."

"Lead poisoning?" Alex asked once the interns had left.

"It's common among soldiers who get shot. If there's bullet fragments left over, especially in joints they eventually break down and leach lead into the bloodstream. It's lucky we caught it when we did."

"So what now?"

"We'll get you started on a chemical drip to help counteract the lead already in your system and go in and remove as much of whatever is left in there."

"Okay." Alex nodded.

The gallery was full as Miranda began working on Alex, everyone was interested in seeing the climax of the mystery patient's care.

"She's the old gunshot patient?" Doctor Hunt asked from beside Arizona.

"Yeah. Really gave the interns a run for their money."

"You see a pretty blonde and you don't assume she's got bullet fragments in her." He smiled.

"When you hear hoofbeats, don't think zebra." Arizona recounted the old cautionary line.

Hunt's expression shifted though as he looked closer at the woman laid out on the operating table, "How did she get shot?"

"Hunting accident."

The man's eyebrow rose, "She say what they were hunting with?"

"Rifles."

His frown just deepened. And he sat forward even further, his nose inches from the window to the OR below, "That's a lie."

"What?"

"No way would a rifle leave a scar that small. If she'd been shot with a rifle, she'd likely have lost most functionality in the arm."

"You're sure?"

He smiled humorlessly, "I was an army doc the better part of the last decade, Robbins. I know my gunshot wounds. That was definitely made with a handgun."

Elizabeth Johnson was sleeping off the anesthesia from her surgery when Arizona and Bailey went to check on her. Granted she wasn't Arizona's patient, but she had connected with the other blonde. The interns were clumped together whispering outside the woman's room, they dropped silent when they noticed the attendings. Yang was the one who spoke up, "Our patient is dead."

"What in the hell do you mean?" Bailey asked, indignant, "That woman's been out of surgery of less than an hour and you people have already found a way to kill her?"

"No, she's fine!" The intern backed up, "But just look at this." She handed over a cell phone that Bailey and Arizona bent over.

Bailey stared in disbelief, then her lips tightened, "You will bury this. All of you. You will not breathe a word of this to anybody, and you will stay the hell away from her."

"Who else knows?" Arizona asked. The interns were quiet for a moment too long for her liking, "Who?"

"Most of the hospital." Izzy admitted, "We found out during the surgery and word just sort of spread."

"Woman's a hero." O'Malley said, his eyes sincere.

"She's an ambulance chaser." Karev dismissed.

"Who put away rapists and child molesters!" Izzy defended, "She's a badass."

The attendings exchanged a look, they both knew that this would not bode well for their patient. Arizona pushed into the room, she found cobalt blue eyes staring back at her, "You did really well." She offered.

"Thanks." Alex smirked, "It took a lot of effort."

Doctor Bailey joined them in the room, she didn't hesitate in taking a seat at Alex's bedside, "The surgery went perfectly, we removed all of the bullet fragments. You'll have some physical therapy exercises to do, but you should regain full range of motion in a matter of weeks."

"Thank you."

Bailey was quiet a moment, trying to sort through how to approach this, "You said it was a hunting accident?"

Alex nodded, not trusting her voice.

"Where were you hunting?"

"Washington state." Alex lied.

"Do you hunt often?"

"No, my first and last time."

Bailey knotted her fingers together, "You know, funny thing is one of our trauma surgeons said that there was no way the damage to your shoulder was done with a hunting rifle. He said that if it had been a rifle you likely would have lost most of the function in your arm. You must have been shot by a handgun." Alex fell silent, "What's more strange is you bear a striking resemblance to an Assistant District Attorney who was killed in New York nine months ago named Al-"

"Please don't." The blonde interrupted quickly, "Don't say the name." She begged, her voice catching in her throat. Tears sprung to her eyes, and Arizona couldn't resist, placing a soft hand on the woman's shoulder. She had read the obituary, Alexandra Cabot had dedicated her life to putting away the scum of the earth. In her years working with children, Arizona had seen countless cases of abuse and she had an idea of the cross that Alex must bear.

"I um, I need to make a call." Alex said, reaching for her cell phone. She dialed a number and mumbled two words, "Time's up." Before disconnecting.

Doctor Bailey's pager went off, and she had to make a hasty retreat. Arizona shifted awkwardly, "I'll just." She shrugged, pointing back towards the doorway.

"Would you stay? Please?" Alex felt pathetic and small, but so very vulnerable.

There was no way that Arizona could say no.

She took the seat by the bed that Doctor Bailey had vacated. Silence stretched between the two until Alex finally broke it, "I've been in Seattle for five months." She confided, "Phoenix before that for three."

The doctor nodded, she knew that before either of these was New York. She knew better than to say it aloud though, there seemed to be some sort of magic in both of them knowing the truth but neither saying it explicitly.

"Did you like it there?"

"No." Alex smiled, "It was too warm and cheery. I like Seattle though, the rain seems fitting."
"I was a military brat." Arizona confided, "Moved around a lot as a kid, the worst was always the people I had to leave behind." She was doing her best to connect, she knew that she couldn't possibly fathom the depth of Alex's loss, but she could try and provide her some support.

The attorney smiled wistfully, and Arizona knew she struck a nerve, "Did you have to leave someone?"

Alex looked down at her fingers, "Yeah. A woman I had been with for three years, she's a detective."

"What's she like?"

She knew that this was dangerous, treading the line of admitting who she was, but she couldn't help it. In twenty four hours she would be miles away and Elizabeth Johnson would be a ghost, this may be one of the last times she had to talk about Olivia, "She's smart and beautiful, the strongest person I've ever met. She cares so much about the victims she works with."

"Did you love her?" Arizona asked.

Alex had the saddest look of heartbreak and mourning when her eyes met the doctor's, "I still do."

Riley showed up an hour later with two other agents to escort her from the hospital. All three men were wearing suits and they flanked her protectively as they walked her out. The hallway of the hospital where her room was located was filled, the walls lined with doctors and nurses who had heard of Alex's story. They all wore supportive smiles, nodding to her as she passed. Arizona was the last person she saw as she exited the hospital. The other blonde held up her hand in a weak wave that Alex returned.

When everyone dissipated, business running as usual, Arizona pulled out her own cellphone. She looked up the name 'Alexandra Cabot'. She knew it was morbid, but she scrolled through photos of the lawyer's funeral. It was a beautiful service, the church full to bursting, cops in uniforms filled seats as well as families of victims who she had gotten justice for. One photo in particular caught Arizona's attention.

It was four detectives in plain clothes stood shoulder to shoulder, the caption on the photo read, 'Cabot's close coworkers within the 16th Precinct'. A shorter brunette stood between two tall men, her hair was cropped short and close, her brown eyes were fierce, shining with unshed tears. She knew instinctively that it was the woman Alex had spoken of, she could recognize heartbreak even in a small photo on her phone screen.

…

The radio was blasting when Olivia entered her apartment. She and Alex had been together for two years, and the blonde had a key to the apartment, a toothbrush in the bathroom, and two drawers in Olivia's bedroom.

The detective hung up her coat in the entryway, dropping her keys in a bowl and kicking off her shoes. She followed the music to the small kitchen, leaning in the doorway she watched Alex. The blonde was bobbing her head along to the radio, occasionally joining in on the song. Spatula in hand, Alex was tending something in a pan on the stove that was letting off an inviting cheesy smell.

Olivia pushed off the doorway and came to wrap her arms around the blonde's waist and poke her head over her shoulder, "Whatcha cooking?"

Alex startled a little, "Scrambled eggs and toast." It was the blonde's go to meal, her culinary skills leaving much to be desired.

"Mm, looks great."

The lawyer relaxed back into her girlfriend's embrace. It wasn't often that they got these domestic evenings together where neither of them had to work late. Especially given their opposing schedules- first Olivia would have a string of late days working a case, then it would shift to Alex as she prosecuted that same case. That evening was happy gift.

"What kind of wine goes best with scrambled eggs and toast?" Olivia asked, pressing a kiss to her girlfriend's neck and releasing her.

"What have we got?"

"A box of Franzia red." Olivia said, exploring the depths of their fridge.

"That sounds perfect." Alex laughed. That was something that Alex always teased the detective about- Olivia's apartment had a pitiful alcohol selection (which was likely a result of her late mother's alcoholism) but always a well stocked pantry, and Alex had enough variety of alcohol to open her own miniature bar but rarely had food beyond eggs, and what she needed to make a PB&J.

The brunette pulled out the box and poured two glasses.

Though they had the evening off together, it had been a hard day for Olivia. It always was when the victims were kids. After dinner they cuddled together on the couch watching a mind numbing sitcom. A commercial came on, something cute and All American looking with a picture perfect family advertising a sleek new family SUV.

Alex swallowed past a lump in her throat and finally spoke something that had been on her mind for the last couple of months, "We could have that, you know?"

Olivia's brow scrunched in confusion, but she was lying behind Alex so the blonde couldn't see the expression, "We both already have cars."

"Not the car!" Alex laughed, "You know, the Hallmark family."

"Oh." Olivia breathed. They hadn't really talked about their future before, and now that they were, she was suddenly scared.

"If that's something you're interested in." Alex backtracked, grateful that she wasn't looking into Olivia's eyes, she was nervous enough as it was.

"It is." Olivia immediately confirmed.

"Yeah?" Alex asked.

"Yeah."

The blonde twisted her neck, a bright smile on her face. It was the closest thing to a promise of forever that they had ever gotten. Olivia mirrored her smile, kissing her soundly.

…

Everything about it was wrong. The church was full, but Alex hadn't gone to service since she was a child. Officers and lawyers filled the back rows of pews, despite her hard nature, Alex had the highest conviction rate of any sex crimes ADA ever, she got results and therefore the respect of the cops she worked with.

There were flowers everywhere, too may, it was garish. Olivia hated it. She hated having to stand there watching people go up and talk about how much of a great person Alex had been, how missed she would be. Alex was still alive, she was sitting in a safehouse somewhere miles away and Olivia couldn't do anything about it.

She wanted to laugh. It was a cliche, she knew, but she had the overwhelming urge to to break out in all consuming laughter. This was all a show, put on for the benefit of a drug cartel, and the only two who were witness to it was her and Elliot.

The day after the service was a smaller burial service for close friends and family. Olivia and the SVU detectives along with Cragen and Alex's brother in law were pallbearers. It was an old antiquated thing, but somehow it was the only part of the whole process that felt right to Olivia. Alex had carried them so many times, it made sense that now to her supposed final resting place, they would carry her.

As they walked the casket to the freshly dug gravesite, Olivia couldn't help but wonder what they had put in Alex's place to weigh it down.

Alex's parents came to talk with Olivia afterwards, give her their condolences. Olivia had joined the Cabots in for Thanksgiving last year in Connecticut. She felt fake, lying to them like this. They had so easily accepted Olivia into their family once Alex introduced her as 'my wonderful girlfriend'. They invited her for holidays still, every year after Alex had 'died', Olivia always politely declined. She sent flowers on Mother's day and Alex's birthday.

Alex's sister was pregnant. Olivia didn't even know if Alex knew, the older Cabot was barely showing and Alex never mentioned becoming an aunt to the detective. It felt wrong. Everything felt wrong. Standing staring at the headstone that read 'Alexandra Cabot, love, justice, sacrifice' Olivia wanted to scream.

She saw Alex everywhere. Walking down the street, she nearly got whiplash everytime she saw a tall slim blonde woman walking in the opposite direction. She knew that it was silly, there was no way that they would keep Alex in the city, her death had been announced in every major paper in circulation (it had everything to make the frontpage, violence, a young beautiful victim, public interest and outrage).

Still she couldn't help but feel a flutter of help when she was standing in line at a coffee shop and the barista called out 'Alex'. The chinese place they always used to order from still put extra crab rangoons in any order going to Olivia's address because it was what Alex always asked for, and they ordered regularly enough that the restaurant eventually stopped charging for the extras. Olivia stopped ordering from there after the first few months. Like so many other things, it hurt too much.

A/N- Thanks for reading, let me know what you thought. One more chapter!