Blasters and Wands, Chapter Three

Why you should not piss off a dark lord of the Sith.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Star Wars. Well, I do own a copy of Star Wars Battlefront one and two, but I don't think that counts.

When Harry woke up, he was surrounded by his teachers and friends. Dumbledore looked at him, or more specifically, where his arm used to be and sighed.

"Mr. Potter, was there a reason you chose not to tell us about your missing limbs? And for that matter, how did it happen?"

"I didn't want to be pitied. And for that matter, as you can see, I can function quite normally without them. As for your second question, I don't feel like discussing it right now. And now that we have gotten that unpleasant business out of the way, can I have my limbs back and go to whatever class I am currently missing?"

Dumbledore looked at him and handed him his limbs. With a snap and a click, he put each limb on, ignoring his friends' winces as he did so. He made to stand up, but Dumbledore stopped him.

"Mr. Potter, before you rejoin the school, oh, and it's a Saturday, so don't worry about missing classes, but anyway, look at this."

And he handed Harry a copy of the Daily Prophet. On the front page was a picture of himself, slumbering in the hospital bed, his arm quite clearly missing. Harry silently praised the fact that with the blankets, you couldn't see that his legs were missing. Harry looked at the article and groaned.

Harry Potter: Cripple?

Yesterday evening, after a Quiddich game, Mr. Potter was ensconced in the hospital wing for injuries unknown. When this reporter tried to get information he was rebuffed by the staff. This did not stop yours truly from gaining information, for I am the bravest, most powerful reporter the world has seen since Rita Skeeter!

Harry snorted. "Narcissistic much?"

He continued reading.

Photographing Mr. Potter in the hospital wing was difficult, but yours truly was able to do it. What I discovered shocked me. Mr. Potter had clearly had his arm removed. Whether cut of by a hostility (unlikely) or a publicity stunt (likely) remains unclear. It is my personal belief that Mr. Potter is attempting to garner more attention that he already has. I just hope we won't be forced to worship his severed arm stump next.

Harry looked up. "Let me guess. They've been poking at me and calling me a lying, attention seeking brat since ol' voldie came back. And this is just an escalation of that."

Dumbledore shrugged. "Well, now that you say it, yes."

Harry started muttering. "There's the reason I don't read that paper… all hell has broken loose… master will kill me…"

With the last sentence, Dumbledore grew alarmed. Surly he didn't join Tom?

"Mr. Potter, would you be so kind as to give me your left arm?"

Harry shrugged. "Sure."

Harry held out his arm, and after Dumbledore had finished waving his wand over the forearm, repeatedly, jabbing it with the wand every so often, muttering words, all he did was uncover a small communicator strapped to the arm. Dumbledore removed the communicator, attempting to see if the Dark Mark was hidden beneath it. Of course, it wasn't, but the bumblebee didn't know that.

Once Dumbledore had satisfied his curiosity, he looked at the communicator.

"Mr. Potter," He asked, with genuine curiosity in his voice, "What is this?"

Harry levered himself up. "Oh, that's just a communicator. I can talk to my master with that, makes everything easier."

"Your master?"

"Sorry, Classified information. Access only to essential personnel." And with that, he picked up his equipment, dressed, and left the hospital wing.

Stalking off to the Great Hall, he was just in time to be intercepted by Malfoy.

"Hey, look, it's the one arm wonder!"

Harry sighed. He really did not have the time for this. Especially since the long sleeves of the robe he was wearing covered his arms, making it appear to not be there. "Malfoy, I really don't have time for this. Please move out of the way."

Malfoy laughed. "Oh yeah, what are you going to do? Hit me with your arm stump? Oh, wait, that's right, you don't even have a stump! Your whole arm's gone!"

Harry's patience was at an end. All he wanted was some goddamned breakfast. Was that too much to ask? Wordlessly, he picked Malfoy up by the throat with his right arm, moved him to the left about two feet, and set him down. Ignoring the shocked stares of everyone who saw his arm, he stalked off to eat some toast, muttering "all I wanted was some goddamned breakfast, without interruption. Toast, some Earl Grey tea, and maybe some bacon. But nooooooo. No uninterrupted meals for Harry. '

Later that day, Harry was cornered by professor Umbridge after she had finished inspecting Hagrid's class, something that Harry was still shaking with fury over.

Flashback:

Hagrid had just finished telling them about Thestrals, and how you could only see them if you had seen death. (which, now that Harry thought of it, explained why Harry could see them and Ron and Hermione could not) when Umbridge walked into the clearing, did her annoying little cough, and started questioning Hagrid, in a very loud voice, as though he were deaf.

"You received the note I sent to your cabin this morning telling you I would be inspecting your lesson?"

"Oh yeah," Hagris said brightly "Glad yeh found the place all righ'! Well, as you can see – or, dunno, can you? We're doin' thestrals today"

"I'm sorry?" said Umbridge loudly, cupping her had around her ear and frowning. "What did you say?"

Hagrid looked a little confused. "Er- thestrals!" He said loudly. "Big, er, winged horses, yeh know!"

He flapped his arms hopefully. Umbridge raised her eyebrow at him and made notes on her clipboard.

"Has… to… resort… to… crude… sign… language…"

Hagrid flushed, and decided to return to the lecture. "Erm, what was I sayin'?"

"Appears... to... have... poor... short... term... memory..."

Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson burst into laughter. Hagrid somehow flushed an even brighter red. Umbridge smiled, a sickening sweet smile that made Harry want to puke.

"Now, I will walk," she mimed walking with her fingers, "Among the students," she pointed to the students, "and ask them questions." She mimed talking.

By this time, Malfoy and Parkinson were outright laughing and Hermione was fuming.

"I know what you're doing, you foul, evil old hag!" Hermione was shaking with fury.

Harry was just as, if not more, angry as Hermione, but was able to keep from shaking.

"Now now Hermione, don't understate things. She's much worse than you say she is."

Hagrid opened his mouth to continue his lecture, but was interrupted by professor Umbridge, talking to Parkinson. "So, tell me, can you understand Professor Hagrid?"

Pansy, snorting with laughter, replied, "Well, No, because, well, it, sounds, like grunting, a lot, of the, time!"

Harry was not happy. "Professor Umbridge, Professor Hagrid is attempting to continue the lesson. He will not be able to continue to give you an accurate representation of how the lessons go normally if he is continually interrupted. If you want to talk to the class, I would suggest you do so after class."

Hagrid flashed him a thankful grin while Umbridge scowled. Against such a logical argument, she could do nothing but agree.

Hagrid continued with the class, explaining about the thestrals, "Now, once a thestral is tame, you'll never be lost again. 'Mazin' sense of direction…." And so on.

End Flashback

Now, when Umbridge caught up with him outside the forest, he was still silently fuming. Given her aggression toward half humans and werewolves, he could tell that no matter what he did, Hagrid would most likely be fired, the Weasley twins would wreak havoc in protest, and then storm out of the school. Things were just not going his way. Not a bit.

"Well, if it isn't my least favorite student. Show me your right arm."

Harry just glowered at her. "No."

"What do you mean, no? I am the High Inquisitor, and I will get what I want!"

Harry rolled his eyes. "I mean no. My private life is my own, and I will have privacy. And my respective limbs most certainly fall into the 'private' category."

Umbridge was so mad Harry thought he might be able to see her extremities wither and die from lack of blood, as it was all directed at her head. "Detention Mr. Potter. You will show me your right arm and allow me to examine it."

"No, no I won't. Get used to disappointment from me, high inquisitor, you'll be getting it a lot." and with that parting shot, he stormed off to history of magic, leaving an irate Umbridge in his wake.

Sadly, Harry's prediction of Hagrid getting fired came true, although he was luckily able to continue to live on the grounds. A day later, he came down from transfiguration to get lunch, and he saw the twins surrounded by a circle of people in the entrance hall, Umbridge standing on the stairs leading down to the hall.

A high, annoying voice sounded, and it was a minute before Harry realized that it was Umbridge's voice.

"So, you thought it was amusing to turn a school corridor into a swamp, eh?"

Fred (or perhaps George) answered her in such a light, uncaring tone that even a grey Jedi had to stare.

"Pretty funny, yeah."

Umbridge looked furious and smug at the same time, something Harry had been previously unaware was possible.

"Oh, you won't be laughing for long, as you are about to find out what happens to troublemakers at my school."

It was then that Dumbledore chose to show up, descending the staircase with a vague expression of surprise on his face.

"Your school, Ms. Umbridge?"

"Yes, My School. You see, it would seem, that our esteemed minister has decided your management of the school is lacking, and has replaced you with me. Meet the new headmistress of witchcraft and wizardry, Dolores Umbridge. And now, here comes Filch with the whips. Thank you Filch! Now, show these troublemakers what happens to people like them in my school"

Fred looked at George, then back at Umbridge, then spoke with an air that was reminiscent of Malfoy, "No, I don't think we will. Gred, I recon it's time we left our education here, and begin teaching ourselves in the real world. What do you think?"

George looked at him and nodded. "Sounds like a good idea Forge! If anyone wants to buy a portable swamp, as demonstrated upstairs, come to our new premises in Diagon Alley! Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes!"

And with that, they pointed their wands at small twigs in their hands, and transfigured them back into the brooms they once were. Mounting their brooms, they turned to Peeves, who was hovering above the circle of students.

"Give her hell from us Peeves!"

And Peeves, who Harry had been sure would never take orders from a student, sprang to attention and saluted the twins as they sped out of the entrance doors into the sunlight.

Harry was envious. Lucky bastards. Was his exact thought.

For the next week, all that people were talking about was the escape of Fred and George. People kept talking about how they would "Like to just jump on my broom and get out of this place" or "honestly, sometimes I feel like if I had another Umbridge lesson I might just pull a Weasley."

The week after next started innocently enough, or as innocent as it can get with double potions with the greasy bastard who goes by the name of Snape.

Harry had been able to get through the extremely major test Snape gave, thanks to an extreme amount of studying. Harry groaned afterwards, it wasn't even November yet and the school had been completely screwed over. Dumbledore off trying to convince people that old voldie' was back, and Umbridge was Headmistress. Not to mention the fact that the Weasley twins had left after turning the charms corridor into a swamp, forcing Filch to have the job of punting children across it to their classes.

His next class was with Umbridge. Sitting down in his desk and opening his book like a good student, he prepared for an hour of drudgery. After fifty minutes of drudgery, Harry was about to pull out his DL-44 and shoot himself. Or perhaps shoot Umbridge in the face, he was yet undecided. He was about to flip a coin and decide (Heads, himself, Tails, Umbridge) when his comlink beeped.

On instinct, he answered.

"Darth Lirus."

The gravelly voice that answered belonged to none other than his master, Darth Sidious.

"Well, my young apprentice, now that we have the formalities out of the way, return to the Vengeance immediately. Tarkin has left, as have five of my previous apprentices. They have set up base camp on Kashyyyk. You and Adali Niamara will be leading the assault."

Harry was astounded. "Tarkin controls an eighth of the navy! It would be in his best interests to stay! He's out of his mind!"

The former Sith sighed. "Yes, I know, but as of right now we can't find a method in his madness. Return to the Star Destroyer at once. Your guard has collected your belongings, and they have taken the shuttle up to the ship, so that leaves you with your fighter."

Harry groaned. "All right sir. Waaaait. Adali? The blue Twi'lek?"

Sidious was clearly impatient. "Yes, yes, her. Just GO!"

Harry spoke the last words. "Yes sir, on my way sir."

Ignoring the incredulous looks of his classmates, Harry pulled out his modified DL-44 and flipped the setting on it from normal to a setting Harry had made over the summer, also known as 'Blow-the-hell-out-of-anything-in-your-way' mode, or simply, High.

Pressing a button on his comlink He settled down to wait for his Old Republic style Jedi Starfighter to come to the window. Umbridge looked as if Christmas had come early.

"Mr. Potter, you will surrender that unknown technology and have detention for the rest of the year."

Seeing his fighter approach the school, he gained an unusual amount of spunk to annoy Um-bitch.

"You know, Um-bitch, I don't think I will. I think I'm going to leave and not come back for a while, so you can go fuck yourself. TA!"

And with that, he stood up and shattered the window in the classroom with three blaster bolts, the glass shattering outward onto the triangle shape that was his fighter.

"Hi R4."

The Droid beeped in a rather angry tone, one Harry supposed was due to the fact that he had just showered glass all over the fighter.

"All right, I apologize for the glass, but we really have to be going."

And with a wave of his wand, his robes became a traditional Jedi style tunic and pants, and looked about to climb out the window and onto the fighter, when he suddenly turned around.

"You know Umbridge, if I were you, I would have already killed myself from shame. Try to avoid my guard when I get back, they will have no moral compunctions about removing your head from your shoulders."

Harry ignited his lightsaber with a Snap-hiss and the emerald blade came out. (Harry had grown tired of the red blade, put him too much in mind of voldie's eyes, and had changed the crystals) He flung the lightsaber at her head, and gave her a very close haircut.

"Don't piss me off either. Good-bye, and I hope it's for the last time."

Harry then jumped onto the ship and sat down in the cockpit. Closing the bubble, Harry yanked the controls into a vertical climb at such a speed that the noise of his breaking the sound barrier could be heard throughout the castle.

Most of the class was in a stupor, although Hermione was whimpering something about the laws of physics. It was Dean Thomas who summed up the class reaction to the incident.

"What the bloody hell just happened?"

AN: Well, here you are. Enjoy.