Chapter 16
A/N: Hello all! DON'T HATE ME. Sorry for the long, long, long break between chapters, University caught up to me and tried to drown me. BUT I SURVIVED :) Hence an update is in order! Let me know what you think. Love you
Disclaimer: I do NOT own Harry Potter.
xx
Cold. All around him was icy coldness, the kind that fills the lungs and makes it hard to breathe. No matter how many times he inhaled, hoping for relief, he still had that heaviness in his lungs, that cold icy heaviness.
Sirius breathed, his breaths coming out uneven. He stood outside of the church, clad in his usual leather jacket.
'Mum would understand.' Sirius thought, pacing outside of the church.
He growled in frustration, trying to make his body cooperate and walk through the church doors. He couldn't be late for this. Not for his own Mum's funeral.
James had been sending patronous after patronous, trying to contact Sirius. Every time Sirius saw that dopey stag galloping toward him, he dismissed it with his wand. He just needed to be left alone. For how long? He wasn't too sure.
He sighed again, feeling defeated as the coldness spread across his chest. Burrowing into every artery before even his blood felt frozen. He felt stiff, his hands numb and unmoving. He focused on his hand, forced it into his jacket and pulled out a pack of fags.
He fingered one gently, watching as he rolled one between his fingers. Loving the feeling of the smoothness on his fingers, his thoughts forgotten for a moment or two.
He lit it quietly, taking in long, calming, drags.
'After this you will go in.' Sirius thought to himself, his hands shaking slightly at the thought of actually going in to face everyone.
After waking up to Cas, his body went into flight mode. Rushing to leave as soon as he could. He loved waking up to her, but he just couldn't deal with company. For once, Sirius Black just wanted to be left alone.
He sighed, finishing his fag before flicking it into a nearby bush. Getting up, he dusted off his trousers, turning to leave and call it a day.
The doors burst open, and all of a sudden he felt the ice inside his chest start to melt. Cas came rushing out, her hair whipping in the cold breeze.
"Sirius Orion Black! Where have you been? Have you gone mad?" Cas yelled, rushing towards him.
Sirius stood shocked at being caught, his heart racing as he felt his body thaw.
Cas, however thoroughly pissed, hugged him the moment she reached him. She couldn't stand the broken look on his face, or the defeat in his shoulders.
"C'mon, time to go inside. Your brothers are waiting for you." Cas muttered, grabbing his hand and pulling him towards the doors.
"Cas. I can't." Sirius whispered, his voice coming out strangled.
"Yes you can, and you will." Cas stated strongly, pulling him closer to the front doors.
"Stay with me?" Sirius' voice barely audible against the wind.
"The whole time."
xx
"..so high I almost touch the sky, thank you, thank you, thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings." Lily finished singing softly.
There was a round of polite claps before Lily joined James in the front row. Sirius smiled at the sight of his two friends, finally together after all these years.
He walked quickly, trying to keep the attention off of his late appearance. Slipping into the space beside James, Sirius clapped his brother on the shoulder.
"I knew you'd come." James smiled, hugging his brother back roughly.
The two boys held each other tightly, both fighting off unwanted tears until the minister spoke.
"Thank you Ms. Evans, now Mrs. Potter's son would like to say a few words." The minister droned, gesturing to James.
James nodded, clapping Sirius once more on the shoulder before walking to the front.
Taking out the piece of crumpled paper from his pocket, James looked up to the attentive, crying crowd. His hands shaking he straightened out his piece of paper, before locking eyes with Lily.
A slight nod of encouragement from her was all he needed to start.
"Many of you were close to my mother, Merlin anyone who talked to her almost became an adopted sibling. My mum, was the kindness woman a boy could ever ask for. She was always there for anyone who needed help, whether it be family, a friend or even a stranger. Even if these dark, dark times, or when she found herself wishing for my father, the woman never stopped smiling. I think we can all take a page out of my mother's book when it comes to how we treat people today. My mother and father, both believed that everyone is worth loving, and no one is above anyone else. A thought that is often forgotten during this War. I will never forget my mum, or anything she has ever done for me. And looking out at you all today, I can see you all feel the same. The people's lives who she touched, have been changed forever. Myself included. So mum, if you're listening, thank you for teaching me how to talk to girls, I owe you a lot for that one, thank you for not getting too upset over the amount of owls sent to you from McGonnagal, I swear she is just bored sometimes and needed a chat. And of course, thank you for raising me into the man I have become today, without you I wouldn't want to know where I would be." James choked, his voice coming out a tad watery near the end.
Walking down from the stage, James made his way to Lily, hugging her hard as soon as he reached her.
Today was a hard day for all, but it was also a day to bring loved ones closer to count their blessings.
xx
"Cassie! Grab some more mugs from the kitchen would ya?" Moody yelled, offering people classes of wine.
Cas nodded, walking to the kitchen. The place was packed with almost everyone from the funeral. It was a somber party, but a party no less that Moody decided to throw for Mrs. Potter. Grabbing the mugs from the cupboard, Cas caught a glimpse of someone sitting on the back steps.
"Oy, Pete! Take this to Moody would you?" Cas asked, making Peter almost drop the drink he was carrying.
"S-sorry Cas, you startled me." Peter stuttered, dabbing at the front of his shirt.
"Sorry mate. Why are you so jumpy?" Cas asked disinterested, sliding on her shoes.
"Just everything I guess. Do you ever wonder if you're on the right path?" Peter asked, collecting the mugs from the counter.
"What do you mean?" Cas asked, shrugging on her coat.
"Just a silly question, don't be bothered by me." Peter shrugged, his heart racing.
"Alright then, make sure Moody gets those mugs, or he will have your skin for it." Cas stated hurriedly, brushing off the sweating boy.
Peter stared at where she had left, his heart still hammering in his chest. He couldn't believe he almost slipped up, in front of Cas no less. The girl he had betrayed to the Dark Lord.
'The Dark Lord.' Peter's stomached flip flopped at the idea.
He had gotten in deep, too deep. But there was no way out now. How does one tell the most powerful wizard in the world that he regretted his choice.
Peter shook his head.
'That's right, because you don't.' Peter sighed, the constant anxiety of this secret causing his stomach to lurch.
"You've been acting odd Pete." Remus observed, leaning causally on the door frame.
"M-me? Moony, what are you on about?" Peter asked, knocking a mug almost off the counter.
"That. Right there. Anything you'd like to tell me Wormtail?" Remus asked, walking closer to his fellow marauder.
"It's just mum passing is all." Peter muttered, his eyes on the ground.
"Mum? Where have you been Peter, you have bailed on our plans for the past month or so." Remus whispered suspiciously.
"I-well." Peter stuttered.
"Get on with it then." Remus demanded, getting impatient with the lack of answers.
"I-I'm seeing someone." Peter blurted, his face breaking a sweat.
"You're seeing someone? Why couldn't you just say that from the start?" Remus asked, pouring more ale into his mug.
"Wasn't a right time, now with mum gone." Peter stated confidently, happy to have some of the accusation out of Remus' tone.
"Mate, we need to celebrate the happy things. Go on, tell the guys. They will be thrilled." Remus smiled, tossing back his drink before exiting the room.
Peter smiled until he left, before throwing up violently into the rubbish bin beside him. Kneeling on the ground, Peter heaved trying to calm his constantly aching stomach. Once the dry heaving had slowed down, Peter wiped his forehead shakily.
'I can't do this. I have to come clean.' Peter thought, dabbing the sides of his mouth.
As he thought this, he felt a sudden, sharp, pain through his left arm.
'The Dark Lord.' Peter thought, gripping his arm.
He splashed water on his face before rushing out, the mugs left forgotten on the counter.
xx
Cas slipped out of Moody's back door, her eyes set on a black haired male sitting on the back steps. Sighing she shuffled down to sit beside Sirius, her hands stuffed in her pockets.
"Everything okay?" Cas asked, after a moment or two of silence.
"My mum's dead, so no." Sirius muttered harshly, taking another swig of his bottle.
"I know Sirius, but you have to trust me when I say it will get better. You will get through this." Cas whispered, trying not to be hurt by his tone.
"Oh yeah Cas? That is all fine for you to say, you didn't lose your mum today." Sirius snapped, pushing himself off the steps and striding away.
"You're such a tosser! A big tosser of a baby!" Cas yelled, following him.
"Me? A tosser? You didn't think that when you were straddling me the other day." Sirius yelled, spinning around to face her.
"You're foul! You are not the only one who has lost a parent Sirius, or have you forgotten that James just lost his mum too, Remus lost his dad, I lost both of mine! You need to get a grip fast, real fast before you get put in your place. Your brother is in there, broken! You need to step up and be there for him. Or is that past the moral codes of the Marauders?" Cas yelled, storming off toward the house.
"Cas! C'mon!" Sirius yelled.
Cas ignored him, her breaths huffing as she entered the house. Cas stood there, already regretting bursting out on him in his time of need. Sighing, she slipped out of her coat and boots and walked into the kitchen. Only to see the mugs still on the counter.
"Fucking Peter." Cas muttered moodily, grabbing them roughly.
Cas entered the room, her emotions finally calming down enough to think properly. She shouldn't have taken what he said to heart, he was grieving. Cas handed the mugs to Moody before slumping onto the couch. Her mind was cluttered, trying to figure out the best way to comfort someone like Sirius.
Looking up she watched as James nuzzled further into Lily, his eyes still clouded with tears. Cas sighed again, if only it was that easy to comfort someone like Sirius. What a strong headed, explosive man.
"Alright there lass?" Moody asked, sitting down roughly beside her.
"Just sick of people dying Moody, the usual. I think I may head back to my flat. I just need some space." Cas muttered, hugging Moody briefly before approaching her friends.
"Mate, I am just going to step out for a hour or so. If you need anything, anything at all you come find me. Your mum was a beautiful soul and will be missed. I know this is hard, but just know I am here for you." Cas stated softly to James before hugging him.
James gripped her back hard, holding onto her desperately.
"Mum adored you. Don't let Sirius bug you, he is a right tosser when he is upset. But he loves you, I know he does." James whispered, hugging her tightly before letting go.
He pulled back, his eyes fresh with new tears. Cas stared at him long, knowing he was telling the truth before nodding. Sighing, she glanced back at the brooding Sirius out back. Shaking her head softly she turned on the spot, landing roughly in her flat.
xx
"Cassie?" A hesitant knock woke Cas from her sleep.
Rolling over she checked the clock on her beside, the numbers read 7:50. She had been passed out for hours.
"Come in." Cas managed to spit out, her voice groggy and rough.
Sirius opened her bedroom door, smiling slightly before shutting it gently. He crossed the room, his steps very hesitant.
"C'mon then, I'm not going to curse you." Cas snapped, fed up with his behaviour.
"Right then. Straight to the point." Sirius coughed, sitting beside her on the bed.
"Look-" Cas started, only to be cut off.
"No, my turn first. You can yell at me after." Sirius stated, his voice a lot less slurred than earlier.
A good sign.
"I'm not goi-" Cas started again, only to fall silent at Sirius' expression.
"As I was saying, me first. Cassie," Sirius breathed, raking his hands through his hair, "I didn't mean what I said back there, you have to know that. I am just so lost. So, so lost Cas. It is hard to find anything to hold onto these days, to find the positivity in this world. I can't wrap my mind around how the world can be so cruel sometimes, how they can just rip people from you like it means nothing. I am just so frustrated, lost and so confused. I know that is no excuse to lash out on you, I am so sorry." Sirius whispered, his voice thick with emotion.
Cas sighed, rubbing her hand on his back softly. The two sat side by side for a while, just taking in each others presence. Finally moving, Cas laid her head softly on his shoulder.
"I know you're. I am sorry too. I shouldn't have yelled at you, you just lost your mum." Cas whispered, her lips brushing his shoulder gently.
Letting out a shaky sigh, Sirius wrapped his arms around Cas snugly.
"Don't you dare start with that. You put me in my place. I needed it, and I kind of liked it." Sirius laughed, brushing back Cas' hair.
"Only you would get pleasure out of me yelling at you, Black. You pervert." Cas laughed, her voice shaky.
"Can't help it, accept me for me." Sirius chuckled.
"I do. Well I do now, not before." Cas admitted.
"Before that wasn't me." Sirius whispered, rubbing his face slightly.
"In Hogwarts?" Cas asked, standing from the bed.
"Water?" Cas asked, heading out the bedroom door.
Nodding, Sirius followed her into the kitchen.
"And yes, I meant in Hogwarts." Sirius answered, leaning against one of the kitchen counters.
"I thought those were your glory days." Cas laughed, passing a glass to Sirius.
"Oh don't get me wrong, there was some great days. Lots of friends, parties and of course girls. It's just the bad shaped me more than the good." Sirius added after a moment.
Putting down her glass, Cas turned to Sirius. Studying him slightly Cas nodded to herself.
"Do you mean running away?" Cas asked after convincing herself they were close enough to share this information.
"Yeah, well partly. The bad brought out the best and the worst of the people I knew. The guys obviously the best, and the worst my dreadful parents." Sirius muttered darkly.
"What was the final straw, if you don't mind me asking." Cas asked, sipping her water slightly.
Sirius sighed, filling up his glass. This was obviously not his favourite topic.
"Well, it had been built up over the years obviously with me being in the 'wrong' house and being friends with James. So it was never good to begin with, to say the least. But it was when they found out I was dating a muggle born that really set things off." Sirius started, taking a long gulp of his water.
"You dated someone? When did this happen?" Cas joked slightly, trying to lighten the mood a bit.
Sirius chuckled a bit, putting his empty glass in the sink.
"You mink you, yes I know it is hard to believe. But I dated someone, not just shagged them." Sirius winked, before continuing with his story.
"It was my dear brother that let it slip. To be fair I don't think he thought I would be beaten that badly, he just wanted to get back at me for embarrassing him in front of his Death Eater friends all year at Hogwarts. Anyways, to sum it up I suppose, it was pretty rough. Me and my dear parents never got along to begin with, me being against their pureblood mania since a young age never went over well with them. They knew my views on muggle borns, but I suppose they just figured it was a act of rebellion, a typical teenage fit. But they never dreamed I would date one. Naturally, it ruined Christmas dinner. I was really looking forward to that meal too, they had starved me before, locked me in my room. It wasn't until they had the big fancy meals that I was able to grab some food, mostly for their appearance sakes. Can't have their friends knowing I was rebellious, now could they?" Sirius laughed darkly, his eyes far away in thought.
"Of course not, how absurd." Cas muttered, absorbed into his story.
"Anyways, it was after dinner that Reg, my brother, let is slip. I had been beaten before, but never this badly. Never enough to leave a scar, that was the golden rule. To bruise but never scar, after all they had their name to be worried about. It went on for over an hour, I nearly passed out but I was determined to leave. This was it, I knew I couldn't save my brother anymore. He had showed such promise, but I had known for a while that he was a lost case. I some how made it up to my room, where I threw my belongings into a bag and began the rocky broom ride to the Potter's. That was where my life truly began, in the arms of the Potter's I found something I had never experience before. Acceptance and love." Sirius smiled, blinking out of his trance.
"Sorry, I always do that with you." Sirius muttered, embarrassed at the amount of information he had given away.
"Is that a bad thing?" Cas asked, her voice small.
She had no idea this amount of abuse had been inflicted on Sirius, the news had shaken her more than she cared to admit.
"A bad thing?" Sirius asked, his voice low as he sauntered over to her.
Resting his hand on her hips, he backed her into the counter, leaving no space between the two. Leaning in close, he smiled slightly, loving the feeling of her eyelashes as she blinked.
"I would say no. What about you?" Sirius asked seductively, cupping her head slightly.
Cas shook her head, hating how dazed she was by his actions. It had been a long time since she had felt this way, a feeling that should bring happiness to a normal person, but to her just brought panic.
"Could be." Cas admitted, putting a bit of distance from Sirius.
"That," Sirius murmured, moving his face even closer, "I can work with." Sirius finished, his lips crashing down on hers.
Recovering from the shock of the contact, Cas leant into the kiss. Loving the feeling of every curve of his body against hers.
Pulling away slightly, Sirius smirked at her out of breath appearance before frowning slightly.
"I'm a right tosser aren't I?" Sirius asked suddenly, rubbing Cas' hips slightly.
"Only sometimes." Cas laughed, wrapping her arms around his neck.
"I'm also a mess." Sirius admitted, his eyes a tad teary.
"You just lost your mum, you're in a war. It is acceptable. We are all huge, pathetic, messes." Cas added, rubbing the back of his neck slightly.
"Think you're up to it?" Sirius asked, nudging her slightly with his hip.
"I think so. How about yourself?" Cas joked, tugging the hair at the nape of his neck.
"Well I don't know now. You just admitted you're a huge pathetic mess. Can't have both of us unstable." Sirius joked, dodging Cas' hand as she tried to swat at him.
"Oy! Black, get your mess of a life over here!" Cas yelled, chasing Sirius out of the kitchen.
"Right in the feelings love, you're cold." Sirius joked, dodging a flying pillow.
"OY! NO MAGIC, THAT IS CHEATING!" Sirius yelped.
Cas laughed.
"Can't believe my ears, the infamous Sirius Black running scared because of a little magic. Such a pansy!" Cas yelled, levitating more sofa cushions.
"Oh if its a wizard duel you want, then it is a wizard duel you will get lass!" Sirius laughed, imitating Moody as best as he could.
"Tosser."
"Bigger Tosser."
"Massive Tosser."
"Gigantic Tosser."
"Fat Tosser."
"OY! Uncalled for Morris, you know I am sensitive about my weight. It's not Qudditch season!"
xx
"He will see you now, I'd watch your words if I were you." Bellatrix snarled, pushing Peter into a room to his left.
"Piss off." Peter muttered, more to himself than anyone.
Dusting himself off, Peter followed the corridor until he found a door at the end. Clearing his throat slightly, he inched open the door, already prepared for what was yet to come.
'Tell him you won't do it, c'mon Peter. You need to stop this. You're not a rat, you're not a rat, you're not a rat.' Peter repeated over and over again in his mind before entering the room.
"Ah yes, Wormtail I've been expecting you." A cold shrill of a voice started from behind a group of Death Eaters.
They parted at his voice, revealing the snake like face behind the voice.
"Yes, I left as soon as I could without raising suspicion. Was there something you needed?" Peter squeaked out, sweat rolling down his back slowly.
"Such an ungrateful tone. CRUCIO!" Voldemort stated calmly, causing Peter to drop the ground in shrieks of pain.
Finally, after what felt like hours, he lifted the curse from him.
"Now, let us try this again Wormtail." Voldemort seethed, his eyes hardening in anger.
"Y-yes Master, how may I serve you?" Peter stuttered, trying to wipe the sweat dripping from his face.
"I called you to congratulate you in your success." Voldemort stated, waving his hand vaguely.
"Success sir?" Peter asked, his brow furrowing in thought.
"C'mon there Wormtail, own up to your accomplishments. Your work has helped me greatly. You brought forth the death of one of the oldest wizarding families remaining woman." Voldemort announced, causing the surrounding Death Eaters to raise their heads slowly.
"S-sir? I don't follow?" Peter asked nervously, looking uncomfortable under the cold stares.
"The death of Dorea Potter." Voldemort's voice was barely heard over the gasps of the Death Eaters.
"M-mrs. Potter? She died of Dragonpox?" Peter squeaked his heart racing.
"Wormtail, you slipped the vial into her morning tea didn't you?" Voldemort asked, pacing in front of Peter angrily.
"Yes. You said it was to lower her immune system." Peter trailed off, his heart pounding now.
"And it did, just not in the way you thought it would." Voldemort laughed, causing the rest of the Death Eaters to laugh with him.
"ENOUGH!" Voldemort yelled, the Death Eaters ducking in fear.
"I just wanted to remind you of one thing Wormtail. You're part of us now, after all how could you return to your friends after all you have done?" Voldemort drawled, his voice slithering into Peter's ear.
Peter winced, what had he done? Did he honestly think him slipping her the vial wouldn't kill her? No. He knew. He played naive. He made his choices. Things would never be the same.
"Do you think your chum James would forgive you with open arms after you poisoned his dear mother? Or what about that half-breed Remus? I don't think so. It is time you realize your luck dear Wormtail, you're after all on the winning side." Voldemort laughed, his laughter shaking through to Peter's bones.
"Now get this elder killing fool out of my sight. We will be in touch Wormtail." Voldemort reminded, smirking slightly at the fear in Peter's eyes.
xx
Peter half sobbed as he felt the cold, cobblestone under his knees as they threw him from the mansion. He laid there, his breaths coming out in uneven sobs.
Peter cried, thinking of the crumpled form of Mrs. Potter, a woman whose downfall had been protecting the weak and the mistreated. Peter cried at the look of his brother's faces as they realized they would never hear her laugh, or see her smile ever again.
Peter cried when he realized he could never leave. He had done something unforgivable. He had killed his best friend's mother. The pain they were in now, was on him. Solely him. Peter sobbed, digging his nailed into his scalp as he stared on in shock.
How had things gone this way? He had betrayed his closest friends, his family and himself. It was too late now, too late to turn back.
But there was one thing Voldemort had said to him that had stuck with him. He was on the winning side. In the end isn't that what it came down to? Which side wins? If he picked the winning side, could his friends really hate him completely?
Peter sat up, brushing his face roughly of any tears. Standing up he looked down at the ground sternly. After all, he had a family to protect as well. Or had they forgotten of his poor mum? No one ever asked him how his family was doing, it was always about the Potter's. How the Potter's were, not the Pettigrew's. No one cared about the Pettigrews.
Peter nodded to himself as he left the grounds quickly.
This was a war, and he had done what he could to make sure he was safe. No matter the cost. He was safe. He was a rat. But he was safe.
xx
A/N: WELL THERE IT IS. I am so so so so sorry for the long update lag, as I said school nearly killed me! Let me know how you liked it, any reviews help me so much. Love you all
- Haley