When Emma reaches the stairwell, Graham is already there to greet her, leaning against the wall. His faded blue jeans and dark brown jacket are barely visible in the shadows, but still her heart starts to involuntarily beat faster and she knows her cheeks are reddening. It's okay though because they're hidden here. She is hidden here. In the dark she feels safe, and she knows Graham does as well, otherwise they would just find the back of a car like everyone else.
There's a comforting buzz of electricity as she leans in to kiss him, some of its him but she knows deep down most of it's the danger. The thrill of knowing she's breaking the rules. There's nothing slow about it, it's rough and desperate. At first, when Emma wasn't used to their brief encounters, she found it overwhelming and had to fight off her body's natural reflexes to run, despite the fact Graham had only ever been clear and fair about their arrangement. Now though, it feels natural, and Emma's used to the intense atmosphere.
Graham deepens the kiss, grabbing a handful of her hair in the process - she pushes him up against the wall further, her entire body now on fire, desperately needing him. A fog has descended on her mind, all coherent thought lost in the taste of his lips. Suddenly he pulls away, Emma groans at the loss of contact. "Are you alright?" Graham asks. Emma rolls her eyes and nods quickly, knowing the question is more of a formality than any actual genuine concern. The fog is fading and her senses are rapidly reappearing. With a clear sense of urgency, she shrugs the backpack she is carrying off her shoulders and onto the floor, which is all Graham needs to pull her closer once again and resume kissing her. One hand reaches for the back of her hair, whilst the other grips the lapel of her jacket – he holds her not too tightly, but with enough force that her body is flush against his. The heat radiating from his body hits Emma in waves and she wishes she would have the same natural response but the initial buzz has worn off, instead she finds her mind wandering into the same apathetic territory she was fighting off when talking to Ruby earlier. Apathy is a feeling that has been all too common in her life, usually she is the one on the receiving end of it. Once Emma tried to reach out to her birth mother but the apathy she received in response was enough to make her twelve-year-old self break down into tears, so she never rang up again. Although the eleven-digit number is still engrained in her brain, scorched in the pink matter, almost as though her own mind is desperate to torture her.
For a second she floats away again, her mind detaching itself from her body and floating upwards as though she is looking down at herself and Graham fumbling in the stairwell. A sharp pinch brings her back down as his hand snakes round and undoes her bra clasp, it pings against her skin, the sharp pain a reminder of the reality she's stuck in. Graham's mouth is now trailing a line down her neck so she half-heartedly tilts her head to the side as a gesture that she's actually enjoying it, although she still feels nothing.
Her gaze falls on the small window pane that sits in the centre of the door she came through, more specifically, the dark outline of someone stood on the other side of it. Emma can't make out whose side profile it is in the dim light, but their presence sends a shiver down her spine, and she takes a deep intake of breath. The mysterious figure turns their head, two piercing blue eyes meet hers. The millisecond of eye contact is all she needs to hurriedly push Graham's body away from her, he stumbles slightly. Hitting his head against the wall as he does "What the fuck Emma!" he shouts. Barely paying attention she's frantically grabbing her things off the floor.
"I'm sorry." She shouts over her shoulder, careering through the door and into the corridor. As the door slams behind her, she whips her head round – looking for any sign of the mysterious figure, but the hallway is deserted apart from a gaggle of girls at one end.
At the end of the day Emma makes her way out to the parking lot, where Ruby is leant against her car. "That stiletto better not leave a scratch" Emma shouts as she gets closer, her hair now back in the ponytail she started the day with, swaying behind her in the breeze. Ruby smirks in response and pulls out a stick of bubble-gum, holding one out to Emma who shakes her head as she comes to a standstill in-front of her, shrugging Ruby places it in her own mouth. Emma notices the subtle irony of the perfectly presented Ruby balanced against the rusty old yellow bug that it took three Summers to save up for, she's glad she did though because it's served her well ever since – even if it does tend to break down in awkward places, it usually gets her and Ruby wherever they want to go.
"Have you got a destination in mind?" Emma asks, walking round to the driver's side and tugging the door with a reasonable amount of force, nearly stumbling backwards when it opens with slightly more ease than usual. She slings her backpack off her shoulder and throws it onto the back seat which is visibly worn from use, many a milkshake having left its mark. The middle seat has a dark red X stained on it where, for some unknown reason, Ruby once decided to test Emma's lipstick. The bag lands with a thud as Ruby slides into the passenger seat, somehow making her entrance look graceful despite her impossibly long legs, and the stilettos.
"Lets just see where the road takes us!" Ruby says, turning to Emma and blowing her bubble-gum. Emma nods, starting the car and carefully pulling out of the parking lot – nearly running over a few unsuspecting students in the process. The gentle hum of the engine as they head down residential streets makes the silence a comfortable one, most days this is how the drives start – Ruby's head resting against the passenger window as she quietly hums along to the tune of the engine and Emma letting her mind drift off to no-man's land as she drives on auto-pilot. After a short while Emma breaks the silence, momentarily turning to look at Ruby.
"Anything to tell me about then?" Ruby shifts so she is sitting cross-legged on the seat and twirls a piece of her hair in her finger. She takes a deep breath and stretches her arms out in front of her towards the vast expanse of road beyond the windshield.
"Well…" she starts. "The doctor, Whale, I was telling you about. He is definitely into me." Emma, now concentrating on the road again, shakes her head in disapproval and opens her mouth to shut Ruby's ridiculous fantasy down but undeterred, Ruby ploughs on. "I've got a plan to get him." Emma has seen Ruby harbour ridiculous crushes before but this time her eyes have a sparkle in them that Emma's never seen before, and the way she is almost jumping up and down in her seat like an excited toddler only adds to Emma's feeling of unease surrounding the situation. Her concern is so great she fades out as Ruby babbles about her master plan and only realises she hasn't been paying attention when Ruby lightly swats her on the shoulder. "He was checking me out in class today." Her smile widens, any further and Emma thinks she'll be scraping bubble-gum off the carpet.
"That's not flattering Ruby, it's creepy" Emma points out. "I love you, you deserve someone that isn't just going to use you and throw you away." Ruby's giddy smile quickly fades and she averts her gaze from Emma's, choosing to stare at the fields they are now passing.
"I really like him Em, he wouldn't do that. He's a good person, I can feel it." Ruby's voice is now quiet and mouse like, which throws Emma off. It's a world away from the loud and boisterous Ruby she is used to. Discreetly she discards of the bubble-gum she was blowing and reaches over to the centre console, taking a cigarette from Emma's packet and twiddling it in her fingers until Emma sighs and fishes the lighter out her pocket, handing it over. They both know Ruby doesn't actually smoke but despite this she cracks the window and lights up, slowly inhaling – the way she's seen Emma do a thousand times before. As soon as she does, the bitter smoke invades her lungs, clawing at her insides as though it is burning her alive, it's not pleasant but it eases her mind for a few minutes and she almost understands why Emma might feel the need to feel the sensation regularly. "What's up with you and Graham?" Ruby asks, throwing Emma off with the abrupt timing. Momentarily she considers lying but she knows if there's anyone she can admit the harsh truth to, it's Ruby. "You did see him earlier, right?"
"Yes." She replies, deliberately avoiding eye contact. Ruby has now shifted so that she is facing Emma, although she is still sitting cross legged. Her stiletto heels are practically piercing the leather seat, and the sooty cigarette ash gathers in a depressing heap in the foot well beside her.
"How was it? You don't seem very enthusiastic." Ruby prompts. Emma slams her foot on the accelerator, powering the car forward at an almost dangerous pace and practically throwing Ruby towards the windscreen in the process. "HEY!" Ruby screeches, balancing herself with her free hand. Emma rubs her forehead, apologising. "What's going on?" Ruby prompts once more.
The car continues at a steady but fast pace as Emma formulates her reply, "I don't know, it's just… I don't feel anything." Now her hands are shaking, and her knuckles have turned white from the force with which she's gripping the steering wheel. "With Graham, I mean. I just don't feel anything anymore. It's like I'm present but I'm not, at the same time. I can't explain it. He's great but I feel empty when I'm with him." Somehow just releasing the words into the atmosphere help Emma feel as though a crushing weight has been lifted from her chest. Ruby ponders over the information, taking one last drag of the cigarette before stubbing it out on the dashboard, Emma watches her out of the corner of her eye and raises her eyebrows when she sees the cigarette crumple against the interior of her car. If anyone else had done that she'd be screaming at them but Ruby's her person and that means she pretty much gets a free pass to do whatever she wants. Especially as Emma knows that she never does anything with the intention of being deliberately cruel.
"I know it's complicated but if you have that much apathy towards him you should just end things with him." Ruby says, once again twiddling with a strand of her hair. Emma bites her lip, almost violently swerving round the upcoming corner. Ruby knows exactly what the hesitation means. "Emma… why bother if you don't care. People lose interest in other people all the time, unfortunately it's just a thing that happens. You're allowed to stop sleeping with him if you're no longer interested." Emma contemplates Ruby's input, this time she's the one with the voice that comes out as a mouse whisper.
"I can't." She rakes a hand through her tightly pulled back hair and gently leans back against the headrest, slowing the car down as she does.