TOO MUCH TOO SOON

Things were moving. Fast.

Brianna still hadn't gotten her lungs yet, and she was not doing well. Still, even her deteriorating health couldn't stop Nina from pushing forward with the adoption. Nina, Drew, and Rick were flying through paperwork like nobody's business, and Nina had already approved their home study. More and more, this adoption was becoming huge source of anxiety for me, and people were picking up on it.

"You barely ate dinner tonight, are you feeling okay?" Gregory asked while we were cleaning up. I was loading the dishwasher while he put away the leftovers. Liz got called into the shelter and wasn't home tonight, Nathan was at a friend's house, and Jeffrey was…well, I learned a while ago to stop asking that question.

"I'm fine," I lied. I probably should have come up with something better, but I couldn't. I didn't want to let in on the idea that I was nervous about the adoption, but I also wasn't hiding it very well.

"You've been here over two months now, Olivia," Gregory noted, "you're not this quiet, and you certainly don't leave a half a plate of food behind at the dinner table. Come on, humor me. What's going on in that head of yours?"

"I'm just tired, really. All of this back and forth is really getting to me, I think, and I'm just really worried about Brianna," that was a believable lie. Maybe he would leave me alone now.

"If the back and forth is too much, we can-"

"I don't want to stop seeing her," I stopped Gregory before he could finish that sentence. No matter how I felt about Drew and Rick adopting us, I certainly did not want to stop spending time with my sister. I was already seeing her less and less and making too many excuses for it. I just wished everything was moving slower.

"Okay, okay," Gregory held up his hands. His half of the chores were done, so he waited patiently for me to finish mine. I finished the dishes in silence, however, not having much else to say. Before I walked away, he stopped me.

"Whatever's going on, you know you can talk to us, right? We've seen a lot of this kind of stuff before. You're not the first one, and you're not alone," he had his teacher voice on. The last thing I wanted to do was become one of their projects, so I plastered on a smile.

"Thank you," I told him, before escaping to my room.

Two months ago I lost my sister. I was promptly moved into a new home, far away from my only other family member. A few weeks ago, I found out I would be getting a new family. People who truly loved us, but did they know what they were getting themselves into? I couldn't handle getting uprooted and shifted again. One move was bad enough. I couldn't handle another heartbreak like that again, not so soon.

I fell asleep with these thoughts pounding my head, so I wasn't surprised when I woke up at 1:00 AM with my heart pounding. I tossed and I turned, but I couldn't calm myself down.

They don't want you, they want her, my inner voice kept telling me. The rational part of my brain kept telling me it wasn't true, but the far more irrational part was winning. It felt like the walls were closing in.

I had to get out of here.

I threw a sweatshirt on and grabbed the iPod that Liz and Gregory had gotten for me once they found out I didn't pack my old one. I snuck downstairs and walked right out of the door. I wasn't trying to run away, I just needed some space and some air.

I ran around the once unfamiliar town. Through driving back and forth with Liz and Gregory, and even sometimes Rick or Drew, I had learned which nooks and crannies were places worth visiting. When I wasn't in San Antonio, I was usually wandering around here. Being stuck in the house all day got old after a few weeks.

I made it to the abandoned basketball court and sat down, pulling my head in my knees, and just rocking.

In my mind, there were four different scenarios: one, Brianna gets a lung and gets discharged. We go live with Rick and Drew, and it's happily ever after. Two, Brianna gets a lung and gets discharged. We go live with Rick and Drew, who decide having two girls is too much, particularly one with a severe health condition. We go back into foster care with our hearts broken. Three, Brianna dies, and they get stuck with me. I raise myself (or end up back in foster care) until I'm eighteen, because who the hell wants to take care of a teenager. Based on these scenarios, Bri had to live in order to remotely make this adoption work.

Thinking about Bri dying brought on another round of sobs. I couldn't live through the death of another sister, I just couldn't. I hid it well, but Avery was my hero. She was able to be there for Bri and me, and I could barely be there for myself these days. When our parents died, she took life by the reins and raised us. She didn't deserve to die, and neither did Brianna. Brianna was just a kid, dammit. She deserved to be able to live out a long life.

"Olivia?" I heard someone call out, and there were flashlights. I looked up and there was a police officer in front of me. Fuck. I didn't realize I fell asleep. It was too dark to be morning, but I could see the sun starting to peak out.

"That's me," I sighed, standing up. I was soaked, even though I barely realized it was raining. I also didn't think I was gone long enough to warrant the police coming.

"Your parents are worried about you, are you okay?" He asked, handing me a blanket and leading me to a police cruiser.

"They're not my parents, they're fostering me," I corrected. The officer nodded.

"That explains why so many people are involved. They're back at the house, are you okay to go home?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry. If you don't mind me asking, what time is it?" I asked as the officer ushered me inside the cruiser. I was put in the back seat, so I couldn't see the clock from where I was sitting.

"It's about 5:15, ma'am. Usually we wouldn't respond to cases like this so soon, but with the rain and your mom – sorry, foster mom – insisting we look around, my sarge said to give it a shot."

"I'm sorry. I'm sure you all have better ways to be spending your time," like sleeping, I added in my head. I could only imagine how much trouble I was in, so I probably wasn't going to be sleeping any time soon.

"I'm just glad you're okay, ma'am," the officer mentioned, pulling into the driveway.

"Oh my God, Nina, she's back," I heard Liz say into the telephone before rushing down the stairs with an umbrella. She looked absolutely exhausted.

"Where were you?" She asked, pulling me into a hug. "Thank you officer," she nodded to the man who brought me home.

"Just doing my job, ma'am," he nodded back to her. "Take care of yourself, little miss," he said to me.

"Thank you," I whispered back to him. He was a nice dude.

"Where were you?" Liz repeated her earlier question, pulling me inside and rubbing my arms to warm me up. "Jesus, you're freezing."

"I'm sorry," I apologized, seeing that Gregory was up as well, leaning against the counter. He looked worried, but wasn't as frantic as Liz was. I could see Jeffrey peaking from the stairs before Gregory waved at him to go back to bed. "I just needed some air," I answered, finally.

"That's not a real answer, Olivia," Liz groaned. "Do you know how worried we were? I come back from the shelter, absolutely exhausted and no sooner do I finally lie down in bed and Jeffrey is waking me up telling me you weren't in your room? We searched everywhere for you! After an hour of driving around myself, we had to call the police and Nina and-"

"Liz," Gregory put his hand out. Liz was a mess. "Go to bed, get some sleep. She's safe. I'll handle her, and I'll talk to Nina when she gets here. You're exhausted," he kissed her.

"I thought you were better than this, Olivia," Liz shook her head and walked upstairs, taking Jeffrey, who still hadn't gone to his bedroom, with her.

"I didn't mean to cause you all so much trouble," I mumbled to myself, picking at the edge of my soaking wet sweatshirt.

"I know," Gregory nodded. "Go get changed, I'll make some hot chocolate, and then we'll talk."

"I'm sorry," I apologized again. I just needed air, it wasn't supposed to blow up this badly.

I changed into another pair of sweats – ones that were insanely comfortable – thinking that I'd need the extra warmth. I was sure to get pneumonia myself after falling asleep in the rain like that. Liz didn't have to be disappointed in me – I was disappointed enough for everyone.

When I came down, Nina was here. Nina wasn't the only one, though. Drew and Rick were with her – Drew with a black eye. My eyes widened when I saw them.

"You didn't have to come all the way down here," I mumbled, taking a seat at the dining room table. I felt terrible. I wished I had just stayed and rolled around in my bed all night rather than deal with this.

"Are you okay?" Nina was the first to speak up. I couldn't speak, so I just nodded. All three of them looked like they had a long night. Rick was in his SWAT gear. I hoped she hadn't pulled them out of work just for this. I felt tears start to well up in my eyes.

"What happened?" Gregory asked. "And saying 'I just have a lot going on' isn't going to cut it this time, Liv."

"I woke up, and I needed some air. I was just planning on going to the basketball court and back, but I fell asleep. I woke up when I the officer found me. I'm so sorry," I aggressively wiped the tears from my eyes. I wasn't a girl who cried for stuff like this.

"You've been really quiet lately," Rick pointed out. "Especially on the rides home."

"You haven't been to see Bri for a while, either," Drew pointed out.

"We're here for you, sweetie," Nina pointed out. I felt like I was being attacked. The walls were closing in again. "No one is mad, we just need to know how we can help you."

"I don't want my sister to die," I admitted, crashing in on myself. "I don't want you two to adopt us and realize we're too much, or adopt me and realize you only wanted her. I just…I can't feel this way anymore."

Drew was the closest to me, so he started rubbing my back, coaching me on how to breathe. I didn't know if I could anymore. Rick moved so that he was on the other side of me, and I could feel him holding my hand while I cried into Drew.

All of the feelings I had been ignoring since Avery died came crashing down at once. I was mourning one sister while facing the fate of another. All of the anxiety and guilt and sorrow was eating me alive. I had tried to stay normal and tried to keep afloat for so long, and now this adoption thing just pushed me over the edge.

It took me a while, but I finally calmed down.

"I need you to look at me, Liv," Drew said once I had stopped crying so much. I was still shaking, but he never let go. Rick ran his hands over his face. Nina and Gregory looked on with awe.

"Brianna is the reason we met you, there's no doubt about that," he explained. "That does not mean for one second that she is any more important to us than you are. We still want you to be our daughter."

"Driving you back and forth from San Antonio is my favorite part of the day," Rick added. "We love Brianna, but we love you too. We don't want you to think for a second that if something happened to Brianna we would no longer want you in our lives. You've made just as much as an impact on us as she has."

"With that said, Brianna is going to be okay," Drew moved some of the hair out of my face, smiling. "That's why we all came here together. We were already on our way to come get you when Nina got the phone call that you ran away."

"Brianna got her lung, Livvy," Nina smiled, sharing the good news. My heart burst into a million pieces. "It was touch and go, but by the time we get back she will be out of surgery and waiting to see her big sister."

"Oh my God," I started crying again, and put my head back on my knees. Drew and Rick chuckled, still rubbing my back.

"There's still a lot of things that can happen, but everything looks really good right now," Drew explained. "We can talk more on the way to the hospital, but if you want to be there before she wakes up, we need to go now."

I looked up at Gregory, begging him. I didn't even need to ask.

"They're your family, Liv. Get out of here," he smiled. "We can talk more when you get back."

"Thank you, thank you!" I ran over and hugged him. "I'm so sorry again for worrying you."

"I'm not happy that you ran away, but it's not the worst thing one of our foster kids has done. You'd never believe how many times Nathan ran away when he first got here," Gregory teased. "It happens. Next time, just talk to us."

"I can't promise that, but I promise that I'll at least leave a note next time," I smirked.

"Let's go you goofball," Drew said from behind me. Rick grabbed what he noticed was my go bag from when I went to San Antonio by the doorway. The fact that I didn't even need to tell him to grab it made me know in my heart that they were right. I was their daughter.

"Are you really okay?" Nina asked, pulling me into a hug before we got in the car. I couldn't believe the three of them piled in here before.

"I'm perfect," I smiled. "Thank you, Avery," I whispered before getting into the car. I was learning more and more that once you were a big sister, you never stopped being a big sister. Not even in death.