"What was the plan, Sam?"
Jason sat back on the sofa, grimacing slightly when the motion caused a pull to the stitches in his chest. Scout had settled back to sleep in his arms earlier after he'd spent just a few minutes holding and rocking her, but he kept at it and walked the room for awhile, before laying her back to bed.
He hadn't done that in weeks and had missed it so much…having spent all that time in the hospital, comatose and without his family…without his everything. He loved holding his babygirl in his arms. There was no other feeling like the one he got from being with his children, watching them laugh and smile, seeing Scout's happy little kicks and flailing of her tiny hands, hearing about Danny's day and the concerns of his sharp little mind, watching them play and discover the world around them - priceless, indelible moments that he lived for.
He'd completely missed the first four years of Danny's life…never got to hold him as a newborn, held him only one day at four months old, then not again for years to come. Then when he came back he'd spent almost an entire year seeing his boy and having no clue he was seeing his DNA, his flesh and blood, a tiny replica of all that was good in him…almost an entire year - after missing out on every breath he'd taken, his first crawl, first steps, first tooth, first word…he'd missed every sniffle, every earache, every colicky sleepless night…and he'd missed the even bigger ones too…like when he could've lost his son forever to cancer. It always punched him solidly to the gut whenever he thought of how he could've returned to find out that not only was Danny his biological son afterall, but that he'd never get the chance to know him.
When his mind started to take a dark turn towards the people who'd tried to keep his son from his life forever, Jason did what he always does…he quickly replaced the nauseating memories with reflection on every miracle he now had. His son was in remission - the healthy, happy, bright little joy to his day. His babygirl had fought through hell to take her first breath, a breath that he'd been right there for, a breath blown into her tiny lungs from the air coursing through his own. He thought of that one absolutely scariest moment of his entire life, when her tiny one hung in the balance…when the breath that he drew for the family that he loved above everything in the world, made the difference between her living, and not…when his love, his life, his very existence mattered most…that one surreal, unmatched moment when the breath that gave him life was what his daughter needed to jumpstart hers.
Sam caught the grimace on his pale face and saw the clamminess his skin was taking on, and her worry soared.
"You need to get some rest - we can talk more later."
"Sleep is the last thing I want right now. What I need is to know that I'm not losing my whole life."
"That's exactly what will happen if you keep pushing yourself this way, Jason. I mean it, go take the bed - get some sleep. Our conversation can wait until morning."
"It's already morning now." Without them noticing, the night had rolled into the early hours of the next day. "Tell me…what were you planning to do?"
Sam sighed, because she knew the only way to get him to rest would be to give him answers. He liked to say she was stubborn, but he had her beat. He'd move mountains to take care of everyone else, but his own health always seemed to be of the least concern to him. So stubborn!
"This was it for now. The kids and I were going to spend a few weeks right here, decompressing…then we'd return home. I just needed to get away from everything for a little while, okay? It was all getting to be too much…it was all falling on you to fix…and you've done that enough."
His eyes searched her face, before they turned to his hands resting limp in his lap when he mumbled, "Am I part of what got to be too much for you?"
"Not in the way you mean." When his eyes met hers again, she needed to take the hurt from them. He didn't deserve it - he didn't deserve the pain he was going through - physical nor emotional. "What happened with Sonny before - you having to cover up and fix my mess, again…then later, you trying to watch his back and get us clear of that life once and for all, but ended up laying down your life for me instead…Jason, you need a break! From me, from Sonny, from his business…it's all been taking toll on you for years - it's time it stopped - all of it!"
A moment of silence passed between them, during which he went from her troubled face, back to studying his hands intently.
"We had a plan of our own, remember? We talked about it, Sam…I'd go to the meet with Sonny, have his back while he walked away clean, then you and I could get back to our own lives. That was our plan. Granted, it went askew a little bit, but you without me, was never part of it. Why did you change our plan?"
"You almost dying was never part of our plan either, but that happened, didn't it? It happened because I'm a mess…and I don't see that changing anytime soon. I'm terrified every second, which is not only shockingly unlike me, but it means I'm bound to make more bad decisions that will no doubt affect you. Jason, the meet went royally bad! Sonny's decision has painted a target on his back and it's about to get worse before it gets better - you and I both know that. This ridiculously, crippling fear leaves me in no condition to be around any of it…it's just throwing your life in danger left and right. This is the best thing for us right now, don't you see that? You're going to get caught up in whatever Sonny's doing - he's your friend so you're not about to see him in danger and do nothing, and I can't be of any help to you…not when my mind and my gut are so out of sync like this. You don't need me around right now."
"I always need you!" He hadn't meant to snap but his insides were churning hot and she was still slipping away. "Sam, I can't sit at home quietly while my family is halfway around the world, out of my reach! Sonny, and turf wars are no longer a priority for me - we've talked about that and I thought you understood. Nothing, and no-one, is more important to me than my family! How could you think I'd be okay with leaving you to fight for something that's not even a part of me anymore?"
"Let's face it, Jason - it will always be part of you, part of our life. We can't effectively walk away until it's settled, and we've seen now that it never will be. Sonny's in trouble, and that means you're going to be there - you can't help it. I'm too scared of losing you again to be able to stand by your side while you do what you feel you need to do, so the best thing I could think of was to leave."
"No way. Any decision that involves me living without you is the wrong one! I'm not Sonny's enforcer anymore and I'm not going back to being him. This was a one time deal, and baby, I'm so sorry that it went the way it did. It made everything worse for you and that was the total opposite of how we expected it to go down, but I can't make it better if you don't let me."
"There you go taking care of me again. Don't you get tired of it? Don't you want your life back?"
"Do you get tired of taking care of me? No, you don't! Because we love and support each other through everything, Sam - it's what we do!"
It had been that way with them forever. Taking care of her and their kids was what he signed up for and the best job he'd ever had - it wasn't something he'd ever take lightly. There was no life for him to take back that didn't include them in it.
"Jason, I'm giving you an out - grab it. Take back what I've taken and taken from you, this is your chance to have it all back."
Have back a life devoted to something he no longer believed in? An empty, aimless shell of one without the purpose he'd found with her, the constant rush he got from loving her?
"My life now is being your husband and a father to my kids…there is nothing in this world that's more important than that…nothing!"
The new sheet of sweat forming on his forehead caught her attention and sent a stroke of worry through her, propelling movement from the armchair that had been her fortress all night. Sam slid into the seat beside him as pained blue eyes followed the quick movements of her body and the lifting of the hand she placed gingerly to his forehead to gauge his temperature. She could feel the familiar surge from eyes that bore all the way through her.
"You're warm, Jason. You're getting a fever. Okay, that's it - you need to rest and I'm not kidding this time. Where's your medication - did they give you anything?"
His head ached and he felt feverish indeed but he was convinced it had more to do with the fight he was in for his life than the physical symptoms she thought they were…but she had her stern face on. Despite himself, Jason smiled and reached inside his jeans pocket for the bottle, handing it to her as his head rested on the back of the couch. Maybe she was right…he could probably use a minute.
Sam reached for the bottle of water on the coffee table that she'd been sipping earlier, then watched that he swallowed the dose of antibiotics. "What about pain killers - didn't they give you those too?"
With his eyes closed against the light that seemed suddenly too bright for the headache he was sporting, Jason pointed towards the door. "In the car. Don't need them."
"Like hell you don't. Come on, let me help you to bed."
The image of her curled into the perfect fit she was to his body, in bed, was soothing. "By all means."
Plopping on top of the covers was the last thing he remembered before waking to the bright light of the sun streaming through the windows, and his son leaning on the bed, scouring his face intently.
"Are you okay, Daddy?"
Jason squeezed his eyes tight then blinked them open again to look at Danny, who was dressed for the beach in a dark blue wetsuit, the goggles perched atop his head indicating he was ready to take on the waves that Jason could remember they'd loved so much on their honeymoon.
"I'm fine, Buddy. Where's everybody?" The pounding in his head had subsided and he felt almost normal again, after sleeping soundly for the first night since he woke up from the coma.
"On the beach. Mommy said you need to sleep…so we can go swimming tomorrow, okay Daddy?"
Jason moved to a sitting position, throwing his legs over the side of the bed, noticing that he was wearing shorts, remembering only kicking his boots off the night before and dropping into bed in his jeans. He saw the duffle on the chair and realized Sam must've gotten it from the car and changed him while he was conked out. He noticed also that his socks had been removed and there was a damp washcloth on the nightstand near his pills, a vague memory surfacing of Sam using it to balm his face and neck sometime during the night.
"Thanks, Buddy. Looks like you're ready now though." He moved his right arm in a slow circle to gauge the pain in his chest, hating to disappoint his son, but considered that it may be wise for him to give his injury a few more days to heal before he tackled something as physical as swimming.
"Mommy's teaching me to surf."
"Oh, yeah? Mommy's really good at it - you'll be a pro in no time."
When the last circle went too wide, Jason winced at the sudden stab of pain then lowered his arm carefully. A minute later a huge jolt of adrenaline shot to his heart, when his son reappeared with a glass of water from where he'd run into the bathroom, and handed it to Jason, before swiping his pill bottle from the nightstand and holding it out to him too.
"Here you go, Daddy. When I hurt, Mommy gives me medicine and it makes me all better. You should take your medicine too."
Jason obediently unscrewed the childproof cap and swallowed a couple oblongs, then placed the glass next to the resealed bottle on the nightstand, before holding his hands palm-up in surrender.
"There. I did it." When Danny's brilliant little smile tugged at his heartstrings, he chuckled and kissed the top of his son's head. "Come on, I want to watch you surf."
Sam stood waist deep in the waves, swirling Scout around slowly as the water washed them both. The huge smile on her seven month old, warped into a screechy laugh as she bobbed up and down in Sam's arms, and for those precious moments her world was whole again. Her babygirl's happiness swelled her heart and calmed her mindset, and she knew she'd done the right thing for her children. She would never even consider keeping them away from him, but they needed this time far away from it all. She needed this time far away from it all.
But that was not to say that the sight of him had not swelled her heart and half righted her world. He'd come for them. She gave him a clear shot at taking control back, taking his freedom back…and his choice had been them. Without taking so much as a complete day to consider his other options, he'd come straight after them. So why wasn't she more relieved, more elated, more sure of his choice?
She was making another turn with a gleeful Scout kicking her tiny, happy legs at the feel of the water, when her eyes caught movement from the shore. The two most precious men in her life were headed their way, and for a moment Sam was reminded of how very different Jason was at the beach. Seeing him relaxed, clad in shorts and t-shirt as he walked the sand and talked leisurely with their son, was a priceless image she'd forever commit to memory. They were all so different here.
Maybe for today she could give him the benefit of the doubt and take comfort in the gesture he'd made by coming, instead of dreading the foreboding that he hadn't taken the time to really think things through, as she'd hoped he would. Maybe she could just let him be with his children…he had, afterall, lost weeks of his life to another coma and his world was changing yet again. Maybe she could give him this time as well, to weigh his options without pressure or stipulations, to relax in a neutral setting and decide for himself where his path would lead. Yes - she would give him at least that.
The hours they spent at the water together with their babies were heaven. Sam got a kick out of watching Jason digging around in the sand with Scout, while she paddled Danny out to teach him how to balance on his foam board.
"Mommy, I want to stand up and ride a wave."
"Not yet, Kiddo. First, you have to learn to balance the weight of your body on your board and paddle through the water. We have to find your sweet spot." He was flat on his stomach where he'd ridden the board out, with Sam walking beside him.
"What's that?"
"That, is where you place yourself at the perfect angle so the front of your board is not too far out of the water and not too much down in it, so you can better control your movements. Like this…" She helped him to scoop to the very center of the board, while she showed him the front end tipping at the perfect angle.
His tiny little face was lit with glee as his little arms cut through water next to his mother.
"Feel that motion? Today we're just going to practice paddling and getting comfortable with your board, okay?"
"Okay."
Sam smiled at his impatience to be surfing already. Definitely a trait inherited from his parents, who never waited patiently for anything they really wanted. They always preferred to get to the meat of a thing right away, and it had been the same way for them with surfing too.
In the days to come, Sam would teach her son to laugh at himself when he toppled off his board, trying to kneel and keep his balance with the bouncing waves. He had a lot of fun in the water, he always did…and she encouraged him to not be afraid of the sea or any adventure he cared to tackle. He was already showing signs of being fearless, and as much as her own fears were trying to cripple their lives these days, she refused to fan those flames in her children as she fought her own.
Jason lounged beneath the huge beach umbrella on the sand where Scout slept next to him, and watched his wife and son out in the waves. They'd spent days together being a carefree family, even as they'd silently agreed to table the large issues still between them. It had just happened…without them talking about it or being awkward around each other, they'd tabled their discussion for the benefit of their family and had spent their days lazing by the beach and watching their children play and be carefree. By some miracle and without them seeing it happen, the Morgans had ended up on vacation.
He watched as Sam and Danny emerged from the water in their wetsuits that glistened with its sheen, and Jason just had to snap a photo of them with their foam boards tucked beneath their arms, laughing about something between the two. They were happy. It felt like he'd seen Sam laugh and smile more in the last few days than she had in seven months, and it both delighted and alarmed him.
Sitting straighter as they got closer, Jason realized to himself that his wife had practically stopped smiling since their second wedding. How had he not noticed that the rich, delightful spontaneous laugh hadn't been heard in forever? When had he stopped giving her things to laugh about? There was a time when he made her laugh all the time…when he'd let her convince him to eat squid, when he'd take her out riding along the countryside and up into the mountains, when he'd chase her around the apartment and up the stairs, when he'd swoop her tiny frame and hoist her onto his shoulders…when had he stopped doing the little things that made his gorgeous wife laugh?
"Daddy, did you see? I didn't fall off with that last wave!"
Jason watched his delighted son as he leaned the board against the umbrella and unfastened its tether from his right foot. "Did I see it? Got it right here!" He held up the phone and swiveled it so Danny could see.
"You did? Let me see, let me see?"
He sat beside Jason excitedly as Sam leant her board against his, smiled at the sight of them poring over the short video, then took a peek at a sleeping scout.
"Did you put more sunscreen on her? We've been out here awhile."
"I did a minute ago. She was watching you two until she conked out. I think she wants to go surfing too."
Sam's heart caught at the smirk-smile on his handsome face and for a hot moment she was looking right at 'honeymoon Jason.' He was sporting a tan from being in the sun the past few days, and the worry lines that had plagued his face for months were all gone. His features were relaxed and he was loose, barechested, bracing back on his hands in the sand, the royal blue swim trunks throwing a heavenly contrast to the blond hair and blue eyes that were swimming with something she hadn't seen in a while. Honeymoon Jason, with sand between his toes and his worries left half a world away…oh, how she'd longed to keep him that way.
"She's too little, Daddy."
Danny laughed at his father's silliness and replayed the video once more, as Sam wiggled out of her wetsuit, turning back just in time to catch appreciative blue eyes scanning her white, two-piece clad physique…bringing a rosy pink to suddenly flushed cheeks. She instantly recognized the hunger that matched her own at the sight of honeymoon Jason, a reminder of one thing they'd never run short of or been at odds about...that raw, unmatched, intense passion that roared compatibly between them.
The ringing of Jason's phone sounded, breaking the locked stare and the electrically charged moment, to bring them back to the beach. They both looked over to Danny when he pushed the phone towards his father.
"Daddy, it's Uncle Sonny."