"I hate to do this to you man, but I could use your help."
Jason paced the sands as he watched Sam carry a sleeping Scout towards the cottage, with Danny hauling his board behind her. One ear listened as Sonny went on about the war that was breaking out at home, as his mind wrestled with what to do.
"Jason - are you there?"
He turned to look out over the water where clear beautiful blue met an equally clear sky at the horizon, and he wished his life would show that same clarity to him.
"I'm listening."
"So will you do it? Will you come give me a hand with this situation? I could really use your skills here, man."
"It's not a good time, Sonny."
"No shit, it's not a good time! I have shipments disappearing in my own harbor and people goading me into a fight on my own turf. Max is a good guy but he can't handle this. I need someone who knows his way around the ring, know what I'm saying?"
"Sonny, it's not a good time!"
"Why do you keep saying that? Is Sam making you choose? She's a strong lady, Jason. Just talk to her - she'll understand, now that she's not sick anymore."
"It's not that easy right now. Just hire more men and cover the ports and warehouses. Some of your guys I worked with for years, they know their way around the business. They know what to do - just let them do it."
"Nobody is as effective as you are. You will have this thing handled in no time and we can get back to normal. I'm counting on you, Jason. Think about Carly and everyone here who will get hurt if you don't do this. We're all counting on you."
The line went dead as Jason stood there, looking at the phone as he marveled at the obvious gall. Typical Sonny! He spoke and his orders should be obeyed without question. So what if Jason had everything to lose now - he could just go back to figuring it out after he'd done what Sonny bade. Did it matter at all that he no longer worked for him? Jason shook his head and turned towards the cottage, knowing from the way Sam had packed up and left the beach that he would not receive a warm welcome. Just like that, one stupid phonecall may have torn their delicate, tenuous, unspoken truce to shreds.
Danny was leaving the shower and she was headed in when Jason pushed the front door open, receiving only a cursory glance before she closed the door between them. He sighed and took a seat on the sofa, racking his mind on how to proceed without causing major damage. There was bound to be blood in the streets of the city before long, if Sonny didn't effectively shut down the attempt to take over his territory. The sharks had smelled blood the minute he'd announced his retirement, and after the shooting at the warehouse, they would be lining up to forcibly take what he'd dangled then snatched back. Jason knew he'd have a hard time living with himself if anything happened to his friends or his family in Port Charles because of his inactivity, but he was far more concerned with his own family's well being. Where to draw the extremely blurry line?
He was still lost in thought when Sam sat next to him on the sofa, pulling her legs beneath her as she tucked damp hair behind an ear and faced him. He recognized the cutoff jeans shorts that showed off her beautiful, smooth legs that he desperately wanted to stroke…she'd worn them on their honeymoon…that day when Carly showed up and shot their blissful two weeks alone to pieces. Someone was forever intruding on their time together. They fit her now just like they fit her then, hot and sassy - just like her. Sad brown eyes met blue, but there was something else he read there too.
"Sam…" he began, but stopped when she laid a finger tenderly to his lips and shushed him softly.
"You have to go, don't you?"
Jason shook his head as her hand fell away to her lap. "No. I'm not leaving you and the kids. Not this time."
Sam studied the man who always opted to carry the responsibility for saving the world squarely on his broad shoulders. "It could be really bad if you don't."
He was shaking his head for emphasis. "This is exactly what you're fighting with right now, and I'm not choosing anybody over you again. For so long I didn't realize that was what I'd been doing, but now that I know that's how you perceive it, that's not happening again!"
"It's okay, Jason. I'm not going to blame you for going. You have to do what you need to do, I understand that about you."
"That's what you've always said, but look what happened when you got sick? The Toxo played on fears that were coming from somewhere, Sam. No, Sonny handled everything just fine while I was gone. He can handle this too."
"He didn't handle anything. Sonny was a complete mess after what happened to you. He got even more volatile and reactive, which is what led to him killing AJ and landing himself in prison. He lost Michael because of it, and even though they're back to being family, that relationship has never been the same after that. Carly was a total calamity too…she almost married Franco, for christ's sake…the same sick degenerate that had her son raped. Do you think Michael will ever really forgive that, deep down? Those two are a disaster without you around."
"I know what happened and it was all pretty damn tragic, but they're adults, baby…if I'd left them to clean up more of their own messes back in the day, maybe they would be better off for it and I wouldn't have made so many mistakes with you and me. I am done leaving you when you need me."
Sam released a long sigh as she ran both hands through her hair and held it a moment above her head, before letting it fall again. She shoved up from the sofa and walked behind it to look out the window at the calm water.
"Maybe you're right, Jason. I mean, isn't this what I said I needed to stop doing?" She crossed her arms to hug her body, as she gazed wistfully at the ocean. "Here I am, trying to talk you into a situation that you have reservations about, that could once again get you killed. This is exactly what I said I wouldn't do anymore."
Jason slowly moved to stand behind her, risking to wrap his arms around her waist and pull her soft body into him. He released a pentup breath when she didn't pull away, but rested against him with her head to his chest. He hadn't held her in weeks and had been spiraling from lack of it.
"You're doing what you always do for me…talk through a problem until I see things clearly enough to make a decision that I can live with. You know me, Sam…and you know better than anybody how I can let guilt eat me up. You try to save me from that and I appreciate that about you, more than you know."
The comfort she felt from being in his arms was as potent as it ever was. "I'm not being all that selfless honestly. The truth is, we both have people back home that matter to us, and if anything happened to any of them it would kill us to know that we could've prevented it somehow. My mother and sisters live in that town too, and the last thing I want to hear is that one of them got hurt, caught in some crossfire that could've been prevented."
He swayed her softly in arms crossed with hers as she held him to her, neither one of them wanting to let go. "I know. I feel the same way, but we have to draw a line somewhere. For our kids and for our marriage, we have to decide what we're not willing to risk again."
Her voice was soft and wistful. "A part of me wants to keep you all to myself and tell you never go back to a situation that could take you away from us again." She turned in his arms so she could see his beautiful blue eyes. "But I can't afford to be selfish at the expense of everyone we love, anymore than I can afford to be selfish at the cost to you."
Her soulful brown eyes bore into him and he could see through to the heart she wore on her sleeve, open to him, to their children…to anyone in need of her compassion. Sam. His selfless, giving, nurturing, thoughtful, brave, ferocious Phoenix burned true and clean from every pore of her, and he loved her more fiercely than he'd ever loved in his life. She could forever give him what he needed, before he even realized what it was that he needed. There was no other like her.
"I'll help Sonny, but I'm not leaving. I'm not going back to fight his war at the expense of everything."
"How will you be able to do that? Jason, he needs somebody on the ground in Port Charles in the thick of things, to react as things arise. You can't do what you need to do from here."
He kissed her lips hurriedly, once, then twice, then once more. "Watch me!" Then he reluctantly released her from his arms and grabbed the phone to set his plans in place.
Hours later, Jason's phone lit up with Sonny's number, his voice sounding as soon as he pushed talk, before Jason even had a chance to say hello.
"Jason. The pilot hasn't heard from you - are you flying back commercially?"
"I'm not coming, I told you that."
"What? Are you afraid Sam won't be able to handle herself? She's done it for years. She'll understand like she always does."
"You're right…Sam does understand…but I'm putting a stop to her needing to."
"And you can't do that after we take care of things here?"
"I didn't say I wouldn't help - I said I'm not coming."
"You're no good to me unless you're here."
Jason struggled to contain his temper when it threatened to fire off at his longtime friend's insensitive candor.
"I've already made phonecalls to Max and Milo to start recruiting. They know guys who want to work and those guys know skilled people, so you'll have a new army by this time tomorrow. Your key lieutenants have instructions to hit anybody who hits you first, and for every one of your shipments that was destroyed, starting tomorrow night, they will take two of theirs. Nobody gets into your ports who they don't know, and all unauthorized shipments will be taken or destroyed, depending on what it is. Spinelli is sending you a list of every asset belonging to the other families, starting with Petrov's number two…he's the one who's been hitting you in retaliation for killing Petrov. You shut him down, hard, and the others will take notice and think twice about trying what he failed at."
There was a short silence where Jason could tell Sonny was mulling over what he'd just heard. It didn't matter whether he agreed to it or not, everything was already in motion and it wasn't going to be stopped, not when they both had people they needed to protect, by whatever means necessary.
"I appreciate that you've been giving this some thought but I still think you can manage things better if you're here in Port Charles."
"It's this or nothing, Sonny. My family needs me here - I'm not leaving."
"You have family here too."
"And I love every one of them…but don't ask me to choose again." The cold warning voice was one he'd never normally use with his brother…not since that time when he'd been forced to go up against him to save him from himself, to save his sister…but he needed to make his position very clear. He wasn't going to be the choice this time.
Following a long pause, he heard Sonny's voice again. "Understood. I'll let Max know what we're doing."
The line went dead and Jason stood on the back lanai staring out at the dusk, watching the rain clean traces of the day away, and he felt a peaceful balm creep up behind the tension. His wife knew how much she mattered, and while indications were that it wasn't quite enough for her right then, she hadn't completely shut him down and had even allowed him to hold her again. She knew now that he'd never willingly leave their family…not anymore than he'd let them leave him behind - it had registered.
The thought of things spiraling out of control at home still troubled him, and at a different time, he had no doubt he'd have been on the first flight out to run everything personally…but he couldn't risk it now…not when his family was still extremely vulnerable and Sam was still on the verge of breakup, thinking it the only way to save him. Her mental state had vastly improved, but she was still recovering from the infection that had given her those horrific hallucinations for weeks on end. No, he couldn't and wouldn't leave. Wild horses and a thousand manned chariots couldn't drag him from her side when she needed him.
She needed something solid to believe in again and he needed to be it. She needed for him to help secure the ground beneath her feet so she could have faith in them once more…he wouldn't accomplish that by leaving…and that meant everything that another war over Sonny's territory never would. That life had stopped being enough for him for so long that he'd almost forgotten how big a part it had played. How could he not, after the mountain top he'd reached with the love of his life, the incredible creations from their intense love?
The feel of her arms circling his waist sent his eyes closed and his lips curling in sublime smile. Her head rested to the middle of his back and they just stood there together, lost in that magic that mired them there. Slowly, he traced the delicate spread of her fingers at his belly, loving the feel of her on him.
"You laughed today."
"What?"
He felt her head lift off his back and he turned his body so he could move her round to face him, studying the facial signs he'd been doing such a piss poor job of reading lately.
"You never laugh anymore. I didn't realize that until today."
"What are you talking about? I laugh all the time."
He dutifully tucked the stubborn loch of air behind her left ear. "When was the last time you were genuinely happy?"
His observation caught her off guard to the extent that Sam had to stop and actually think about it. She hated that she couldn't answer.
"We have a lot going on, Jason. I'm sure I've laughed, but honestly, baby, we've been a little busy recently."
"Exactly. It's always been one of my favorite things - to make you laugh…but I seem to have forgotten how to do that." The stubborn loch escaped again, and again he tucked it back softly. "I can remember when you laughed all the time. You deserve to."
Sam knew what he was doing. He felt to blame for the worries of the world she'd been lugging around. Thinking about it, she knew he was right - there hadn't been a helluva lot to laugh at lately…but he was also very wrong. It wasn't because of him or anything he wasn't giving her. She had more than she'd ever dreamt for her life, and it was thanks to him and the love he'd opened up within her. Losing that, losing him, was the crippling fear that had robbed her of finding laughter in the life they lived, not him.
"I don't feel neglected when you're being yourself you know, and I actually wish you'd consider your own needs more."
"My needs are met everytime I look at you." The back of his fingers traced a delicate path down her silky cheek as he drank from her expressive eyes. "I need to make you happy. I need to make you feel safe and loved, and I need to make sure that you know how important you are to me…that's what I need."
"That's sweet…but I'm serious. I love that the kids and I mean so much to you, but you always forget to take what you need for yourself."
He took her hand and led her to a chaise, where he sat down next to her. "Is this about going home again?"
"Yes. I know you, Jason…I know you'll be worried the entire time, wondering what's happening in your absence. I think it's colossally selfish of Sonny to call you back into a situation that almost took your life, again…but what's new about Sonny being selfish? We've been letting him get away with that for so many years - he's not about to change now." She grasped his fingers tightly and searched his eyes. "But this isn't about Sonny anymore…it's about your peace of mind."
"I'm not going to Port Charles - get used to it. There's no other choice for me to make, not in this."
"Okay, that's up to you…and you'll have the day to yourself tomorrow - maybe you can use it to weigh your decision."
"Tomorrow?"
"Yes. I'm taking Danny and Scout to Honolulu - I promised Danny I'd take him to see the volcanoes there and he wants to see the different beaches. I'm thinking we'll just make a day trip of it…too much for your injuries, so before you start protesting, forget it - you are not opening your stitches on my watch - you're staying put."
"You're leaving me?" That actually hurt a little…and her mischievous smile didn't make it any better.
"Stop sounding like a pouty five year old." She actually chuckled out loud when he smirked. "The last thing you need with your injury is to spend a long day with two young kids, walking all over town. Besides, you know you need to be available to manage Sonny."
He saw the far away look that crossed her face as she added, "Not the first time the business has followed us here."
Of course he remembered. He'd fallen in love with her again without even remembering all that she was to him, yet he'd left her to go answer to Sonny's needs.
"That was a different lifetime."
"I know…but don't you see the full circle? How ironic it is that this situation is the very same one that we found ourselves in some twelve years ago?"
Jason shook his head adamantly. "It's not the same - we're completely different people and this will have a totally different outcome."
"I agree we are different. But Sonny isn't so much, and just like he did back then, he's relying on you to run back to town to save his neck. It's going to eat you up, wondering if the same close call will befall him if you don't go back. So…while I take our children on the excursion we have planned - you can use the time to cement whether or not you're going…I'll support any decision you make for yourself."
"I've already made my decision. Why don't you believe it, Sam?"
"I do believe you - you wouldn't have said it if you didn't mean it…but I know you, Jason. You will spend the whole time worrying about him, second guessing yourself - wondering if you've made the right choice or not…that's why I think you should have some time by yourself so that you can decide what's really right for you."
"We keep going over and over this…"
"I know - and I'm exhausted. I don't want you to feel like you need to stay, when your mind has you invested elsewhere. If you're not here when we get back, I promise you that I won't be mad and I won't hold it against you. I just need you to be sure…"
He knew she was right, and he also knew it was her way of giving him space and time to really think, so he simply nodded when she squeezed his hand before rising to her feet. Jason watched her leave, missing them before the next day had even begun.