A/N: OH DANG, it's been FAR TOO LONG! (WINCES) I'm SO SORRY! It took me RIDICULOUSLY LONG to get this chapter typed. But now it's FINALLY here, so… Yay?

First, though…! THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, for your reviews, listings and love! You guys brought this tale back to life. (HUGS)

Awkay, because I've already kept you waiting too long… Let's go! I REALLY hope that you'll enjoy the ride.

SOME SADNESS AHOY…?

Part 3 of 6 – All Those Sharp Shards

Will didn't want physical therapists who delivered nothing but bad news. Not in a moment when he had to believe in himself. He wanted and needed someone he could trust.

Which was why Ethan was there. Stood right beside him as he braced himself to try the dreaded wheelchair for the first time. Will didn't think he'd ever been so scared in his whole life. Not that he would've admitted it.

"Are you ready?"

Will snorted. "No." How was he ever supposed to be ready for this? "But… If I don't do this now… I don't think I ever will. So…" He trailed off. Nothing else needed to be said, really. This was his life now, and no amount of fancy words or wishful thinking would change it.

No matter how much he'd been working out the still functioning side of his body the amount of effort required was ridiculous. He hadn't been able to move properly for a long time and felt every little bit of it. He almost slumped to the floor halfway through the journey but Ethan was there, supporting him, helping him. Will wished that he could've been grateful. This was his friend helping him, for crying out loud! Instead he felt utterly humiliated.

He'd been fiercely independent all his life. That was how he'd been raised. 'Do what's expected of you and stay out of the way.' And now…

"You alright?" There was a frown on Ethan's face and rarely seen openness in those razor-sharp eyes looking at him. "You're trembling."

He really was. He grabbed the handles of the chair so tightly that his knuckles turned white to hide the state of his hands. "Yeah, of course, just… A bit out of shape." Of course he wasn't alright. He wasn't in the frame of mind to figure out what the perfect opposite of alright was, but he was there.

Will made the mistake of imagining that things couldn't get worse. Universe was quick and eager to prove him wrong. Ethan tensing up and shifting with discomfort was his warning. "I, ah… I should go and get a nurse."

For exactly two seconds Will was confused, planned on asking his friend what was going on. Until he smelled it. Frost turned to lava in his veins while humiliation flowed through him.

Apparently all the physical exertion had made him lose control over his bladder.

Will wondered how his heart could be hammering when it'd burst to pieces. He swallowed, several times over. "Get out. Right now."

The line on Ethan's forehead deepened. Clearly leaving him alone was the last thing the man wanted to do. "Brandt…"

"Get… out!" he hissed. With every bit of venom he could muster. "Right now. Before I do something I'll regret."

It was impossible to tell if Ethan took his threat seriously. But eventually the agent did nod, reluctance written all over his features. "You have fifteen minutes before a nurse comes in." A generous offer, really. And then Will got his wish. He was alone.

Will sat there. Unable to move, no matter how much he wanted to – needed to – leave. Stared at the wet spot on his hospital gown, feeling like he'd been stripped off the last of his dignity. And screamed at the top of his lungs.

Ethan had been forced to do things he wasn't proud of during his time as an agent. Far more times than he cared to remember he'd had no other choice but to watch or listen to harm coming to members of his team. It tore at him, hellishly, every single time, because he felt responsible. This was something worse. This time there were no bad guys he could beat up or kill until he felt better. There was absolutely nothing he could do to help. How was he supposed to handle that when he'd always been the kind of a person who needed to be able to do something?

It was pure torture. But Ethan sat right outside Will's room, refusing to leave a teammate behind when the man needed him. Did what little he could to block his ears from his friend's agonized screams. Wrestled with himself to believe that the medical personnel rushing into the room was enough, for now.

"Mr. Hunt?" The young, dark haired nurse's smile was soft and understanding. "Your friend has calmed down. He'll need to undergo some tests, but right now he just needs a breather."

Ethan nodded. Trying to process… everything. "Is there something I can do?" He was used to leading teams, and solo-missions. He was used to being in charge over any and every situation. This, having to ask for directions, felt unnatural.

"Whatever you've been doing so far." Her tone succeeded in being a hint of comfort. "Will is… struggling, but he's also trying with all his might. He doesn't trust any medical professional enough for us to be able to actually help. But he trusts you. So, whatever it is you've been doing… Keep it up."

Ethan didn't feel like he was doing much of anything for Will. But it was a nice thought that at least he wasn't making things worse. "So, he's resting?" It seemed like a logical enough assumption. It'd been a pretty crappy, draining day.

The nurse smiled. "You'd think so, but no. He's glanced towards the door a couple of times. I think we both know why." With a few more words of parting she walked off to see to her other patients.

Ethan gave himself a few more seconds. Then marched into the room. This was a different kind of a mission impossible. He had absolutely no idea how to handle any of this. This wasn't something he could win by firing a gun or breaking a few bones. But he was nonetheless determined to see this through with his friend.

Will had succeeded in turning so that the man's back was towards the room's door. Ethan didn't make the mistake of imagining that he wasn't watched, though. "Sorry I kicked you out." It was almost too quiet to be heard. "Just… Didn't want you to see…" Will trailed off.

Ethan sighed heavily and took a seat. There was a ridiculous amount of weight on his shoulders. "I know."

"No, you don't." It wasn't accusative, but sad and detached. Somehow that was worse. "But… Thanks. For trying." If Will's IMF-file was anything to go by, not many people had done any 'trying' for him.

Ethan said nothing. What good would words have done, anyway? He offered something far more valuable. He stayed.

The following Tuesday Will's birthday was only a day away. Unfortunately that special day was also when he'd have a yet another back-surgery. Which was why the team decided to celebrate the occasion a day too early.

They asked for gift wishes, of course. Will had only one. To get out of his hospital room. Because those four walls were closing in on him. Unfortunately they couldn't exactly take him far, not with the condition his body was in.

Luckily there was a park on the other side of the street from the hospital. And even more luckily it'd snowed again the night before. When Will was told to open his eyes he felt like he'd ended up to a fairytale land. A tiny picnic-table stood waiting for them, a massive cake on top of it.

Right then Will did something he didn't think he'd done in ages. He laughed, real and proper, from the bottom of his aching heart. "You guys are insane."

"Yeah, well…" Benji shrugged carelessly. "It takes the special kind of insane to… you know, do what we do."

The subtle mention of IMF stung, as it flooded in with the thoughts of everything Will would never be able to do again. But the blow wasn't brutal. Not this time, not for a moment. Right now only this mattered.

"We all came here for the cake, right?" Will smirked, warmth filling his chest despite the cold air embracing him. "Let's dig in, because… In case you haven't noticed, it's freezing out here." There were now some metallic parts in him that were quite happy to report the exact temperature.

As Benji sang Happy Birthday, loudly and badly, Ethan smirked and Jane rolled her eyes, trying to hide a smile. And Will watched, working his hardest to hang on to this. Because there, eating cake in the snow, he finally felt normal again. Even if only for a fleeting moment.

Will was still recovering from the surgery and the team was on a mission when a sad-faced doctor came to him with the news. The operation hadn't been successful. It seemed very unlikely that he'd ever regain full control over his bladder. There were also certain other things that wouldn't be possible anymore.

He'd never manage to bring potential partners pleasure again.

He wouldn't be able to father children.

He'd be the pathetic, limp guy who leaked.

Will didn't have to tell the hospital staff to remove anything sharp he might've been able to get his hands on. They medicated him heavily. More than halfway entirely out of it, he fumbled through the contents of the drawer beside his bed. Until he found the small, red bag Benji saved from the wreckage of his motorbike. His eyes were growing moist and misty when he opened it and pulled out a tiny, incredibly adorable bunny-plushie. A beautiful ring hung from the ribbon tied around its neck.

There, all alone with the weight of the world crashing down on him, Will pulled the treasure as close to him as he possibly could and cried silent tears while everything inside him screamed.

Jane didn't have to be a psychic to be able to tell that something was wrong when she approached Will's hospital room. A nurse she remembered having seen a couple of times before just emerged, and winced upon spotting her. "Please don't tell me that you have bad news."

Jane felt her heart drop all the way to her stomach as she stiffened. Her tone came out harsher than she'd intended. "What's wrong?"

The room was dark when Jane finally entered. She was just able to distinguish a tense prone figure on the bed. "She told you, didn't she?"

"She told me some, I pieced together the rest. Don't hold it against her, you know how intimidating I can be during an interrogation." Jane sighed heavily, taking a few steps closer. "This isn't the end of the world, you know?"

"I've had my world end a couple of times. I know how it feels." Will was slurring, obviously fighting a mighty war against whatever they'd drugged him with. "You know, maybe… Maybe this is my punishment. I mean… I knew I'd be crappy dad, and husband…" What was that sound? "I… I still tried… And… I lived, after they didn't… Guess I just hadn't paid enough…"

Jane felt cold all of a sudden. Very, very cold. "Will, what… What are you talking about?"

Will swallowed loudly. "I didn't… I didn't want the mission of protecting Hunt's wife. I couldn't even protect my own family."

Jane was genuinely shocked. "You've… been married? You're a father?" Oh dear god…! "But… None of that is in your…"

"… file?" Will snorted. It sounded horribly bitter and desperately heartbroken. "Wasn't ever in there. Wasn't in any records. I was only twenty-two, young and stupid. Thought that'd be enough to keep them safe." The man whimpered in a manner she'd never heard any human sound. Like he'd been physically torn to pieces. "She… She was only four…! I should've… What kind of a dad….! I wasn't supposed to be the kind of a dad who…!" By then he was no longer coherent enough to put together sentences properly.

Jane placed a hand on his shoulder. Held on. Because it was the only thing she could do. He was trembling miserably and continued to do so long after he fell asleep. What felt like a decade later moonlight shone on something metallic, making it shine. A wedding ring, on a bunny the man clutched desperately against him even as he slept.

No one was there to see the tears Jane blinked away quickly.

Jane didn't know when she sat down, or when she fell asleep. When she woke up Will was sitting on the bed, his back towards her. Painfully tense as he watched the snow falling outside. "I wasn't supposed to tell you." He didn't sound like himself. The William Brandt she knew wasn't that hollow, carved empty. "I've only ever told one person before."

Jane was good at many things. Comforting people wasn't one of them. But for the sake of her friend she had to try. "Then maybe it was time you finally did." She nodded towards the bunny still in her friend's hold. "Was that your daughter's?"

Will shook his head. "I was supposed to give it to her, when the mission was over. Instead I found them." He gagged once and looked down, squeezing the toy so hard that his knuckles lost color. "The terrorist group IMF was shutting down… We all missed one cell. Because a member of the team I was a part of betrayed us. He was the only one I'd trusted enough to reveal that I had a family." He shook his head again and rubbed his face roughly with one hand. "I was diagnosed with PTSD afterwards. They thought that it was because of the betrayal of a teammate. They didn't suspect anything even when I was diagnosed again after Hunt's wife."

Jane felt sick to her stomach. To even imagine… "Will…" Somehow saying she was sorry felt pathetic.

Will swallowed, still not turning his head towards her. "I… I knew that I'd be a bad joke as a family-man. But Leah… She made it so easy to believe that maybe I should try. And when… When Serena was born I thought…"

"You thought that maybe you'd manage to trick fate", Jane murmured.

"I never deserved them. And they sure as hell didn't deserve what I brought on them." To both their surprise his hand landed gently on her stomach. "Jane, don't… Don't make the mistakes I did. Keep this little one as far away from all the IMF-insanity as you can."

Jane was paralyzed by shock. Until after a ridiculously long while she nodded slowly. "I will." She'd do anything and everything she could to keep the life growing inside her safe. Which was why she'd soon have to tell Ethan and Benji that this latest mission was her last.

She expected Will to ask who the father was, even though she knew that he wasn't the prying kind. He didn't. Didn't say anything, really.

Jane sighed. "Will… You did deserve them." She took his hand in an uncharacteristic display of affection and blamed the hormones. "I'm not sure what I do or don't believe in, but… I want to believe that you'll get to see them again one day."

"Yeah", Will echoed barely audibly. He continued to stare at the softly falling snow but his mind was obviously far away. "One day." She vowed to make sure that he wouldn't be left alone until that chilling longing disappeared from his eyes.

The silence which fell continued for so long that she shivered when Will murmured quietly. "When the accident happened… It was the anniversary of their deaths, and… I was rushing to make it to their grave on time. I'd never missed a single anniversary." He inhaled a shuddering breath like trying to ensure himself he still could. "I… don't remember much about the crash, but… I remember thinking 'Finally!'." His face twisted to something that would've shattered anyone's heart and soul. "And then… Then I woke up like this." He glared at his useless legs. "Why couldn't I just…?" He trailed off.

"I don't know", Jane sighed. "But… I'm glad you didn't." Maybe she was selfish. But she was glad, more so than she could've ever put into words, that one of her very few friends was still around. And maybe one day he'd be happy to be around, too.

Will's fingers curled around hers. Feebly but stubbornly. Still alive.

Snow kept falling.

Will knew that Jane would've never sold out his secret. But she must've hinted something, because the whole team was rallying around his room even more than they did before. They kept stopping by to make sure that his fight continued.

One long, dark evening Benji stopped by for another action movie marathon. The man ended up falling asleep midway through the second movie. Will gave his snoring friend an amused, almost fond look. Then turned his head towards the drawer that contained the last pieces left of his biggest secret. Moonlight shone on the moisture that crept to his eyes.

See, Leah? I'm trying. I miss you.

Will wasn't a deep sleeper. And the hospital environment made his nights even more restless. So it was a surprise that he actually drifted deep enough to dream.

He dreamt of walking on a field of broken glass. Moonlight, which came from somewhere behind him, made the shards shine like diamonds. It might've been breathtakingly beautiful if he wasn't strolling through it barefooted. Each step cut worse than a thousand knives. Left behind red droplets. From somewhere painfully close a much too familiar child's laughter carried to his ears. Close enough to touch…!

Serena…!

'I missed you lots, daddy!'

Will gasped when his eyes fluttered open, struggling to catch his breath. He expected breathing to get easier eventually. It didn't. And the pain, radiating from his chest to his arm and jaw, continued to intensify. No amount of attempted inhales helped, and cold sweat began to rise to his skin. His head was spinning madly as primal sheer terror surged. This was no stupid panic attack.

What the hell was happening to him?

"Brandt?" Ethan, who'd been flipping through a file, was instantly alerted. Reacted to a threat on his team as he would've on a mission. Under different circumstances it might've been endearing to witness the well-disguised caring side. "What's wrong?"

Will gasped, ending up causing a whimpering noise in the process. By then the dizziness was so bad that black spots danced in his line of vision. "Can't… breathe…" Wasn't it obvious? The pain was so intense that it threatened to drive him mad. "I can't… breathe…"

TBC

A/N: Oh dear… Oh no…! To have that part of Will's past revealed… And now THIS…!

SOOOOO…. Thoughts? Comments? Rants…? PLEASE, do leave a word or two to the box below! Hearing from you seriously makes my day!

Awkay, because I REALLY need some sleep… Until next time – which will be MUCH sooner than this one came…! Hopefully I'll see you all there.

Take care!

IHaveANameYaKnow: DEFINITELY NOT a 'feel good' story. BUT, it means a lot to me that you enjoyed it, anyway! WELCOME ABOARD! I was INSANELY excited to spot your review. (BEEEEAMS, and hugs)

Gigantic thank yous for the review! Until next time.