"You lied!?" Lily's muffled screech came through the speaker, crackling in Barney's ear as he flinched away from it.
Barney Stinson is a liar. It's an established fact. Everyone knows it. So it doesn't matter. He lies, cons, bamboozles, misdirects, to get his way; to shelter himself from being wounded. He lies to take girls to bed. So, it doesn't bother him. Except it does. He's never lied to make a girl jealous. He doesn't have to tell them there are two other girls fighting over him like a piece of meat, it's always true. He's never had to. Then again, Robin's always been the beginning of everything.
"Well. Yeah." Barney manages to get out through Lily's manic babbling.
"You're in sooooo much crap now, man." Marshall butts in, and only then does it occur that he's on speakerphone. Annoyed at the invasion of privacy (nothing new) he disconnects in disgust. It's not that he wouldn't like to tell Marshall all this, but for now, he wants to confide in Lily. Sue him, if it means he wants his information transferred to others by him. Seconds later, he receives a text from Lily.
We're sorry.
Of course, they're sorry. Classic glob couple. Barney just shakes his head and tosses the phone aside, narrowly missing hitting the vase.
The doorbell rings.
"I hate doorbells. Such an invasion of human privacy. Can't even sulk in my own home." He mutters under his breath, crossing the room to open the door. Things only take a turn for the worse though, when the person on the other side turns out to be his glorified ex wife. Robin smiles perkily and slides past him without question, her Chanel perfume dragging him right behind her.
"Say you're my bitch!" Robin exclaims excitedly. Barney contorts his face.
"No."
"Come on."
He sighs. Slams the door in resignation. Doesn't he always do what she says now?
"Okay. I'm- I'm your bitch."
Robins hums happily. "I got us, tickets to- drumroll please-" she pauses, and gives Barney a withering look.
He mimics a drumming sound with his mouth. God, he's so whipped.
"-Robots vs Wrestlers, Grandpa edition!"
He tries to hide his excitement, but it truly has been a while since he's spent any time with the whole group doing something that isn't drinking and wedding planning, and frankly, he doesn't give a shit about the wide grin etched on his face.
"Shut up!" He gleefully says, sounding much like a twelve year old girl, but it's Robots vs Wrestlers so who cares.
"Yuh huh, Stinson, you, me, Jamie and Danny, frrrrront row seats, baby!" Robin purrs, shimmying and waving the tickets in front on his face like some kind of precious gold only she possesses. It's only then that it registers that he doesn't have a Jamie and he's about to look like the biggest idiot there is.
Barney scratches the back of his head , striding toward the kitchen, swiping a clean glass off of the counter, before he pours a neat glass of Scotch. It would seem out of the ordinary to anyone else, his aching need to drink right now, and why it trumps human conversation, but Robin, being exceptionally her, as always, simply snorts, doesn't question him, instead asks if he's ever heard of ice.
"Ice is for weaklings." He retorts.
"And non-alcoholics." Robin fires back, arms crossed. Plopping herself on his couch, she fans through a Vogue magazine. He doesn't read them, whatever, it's to entertain chicks before moving in for the kill.
"So, you in?" She asks.
Barney's heart thumps a little harder, as he takes another swig. He can't even stop the words as he thinks them.
"Is the sky blue?" He says.
Stupid.
Robin smiles widely, all teeth and red lipstick and he clutches his glass a little harder.
"I kinda thought you'd say no." She says, a little jerky laugh accompanying it.
"Why?"
"Dude. Come on. Our first dates as a divorced non couple? I know how chicken you actually are."
Barney rolls his eyes at that, advancing toward the couch, feeling sure enough that he's not going to spontaneously combust of sheer embarrassment yet.
"Why'd you ask then?"
Robin shrugs at that, but he knows, everyone does, that the shrug is code for, 'i've thought about this alot but you should never know that'.
"I miss my best bro. Somewhere along the line, I managed to lose a husband. I don't wanna lose a bro too." She says, chin jutting. She's trying to be casual, he notes, vaguely only, because his ears are closing and his mouth his dry and all he wants to do is kiss her.
He leans forward.
Robin's eyes go wide like saucers, making him completely rethink his move, so he suavely reaches behind her, toward the table, and picks up the magazine, feeling her breathing as he relaxes back. Just then, the doorbell rings again, followed by erratically loud knocking.
"That's probably Jamie." Robin says, and he misses the melancholic note in her voice as he gets up to answer the door. It turns out to be a jumpy Lily, with Marvin in tow.
"Hey! Oh Robin, you're here too!" She exclaims, too loud, and he knows something is definitely up. "You said, you had a meeting." She sounds a little deflated now.
Robin notices. "I did. I just came to drop these tickets for Jamie and Barney." She says. "And then I was going to drop by to see this little man." She adds, wiggling her fingers at Marvin, even though she wasn't.
Lily seems satisfied at that, until she catches the rest of Robin's sentence, perking up an eyebrow immediately, in Barney's direction.
"What, uh, what tickets?" Lily asks, trying to be nonchalant as she shifts Marvin in her arms.
"Who wants a drink?" Barney practically yells, fearing Lily's wrath once she knew.
Robin stares at him for a second, then-
"Whiskey, two ice cubes."
He practically sighs in relief, until Robin turns to Lily again.
"I got Danny, Jamie, Barney and I these amazing seats to Wrestlers vs Robots." She says.
Lily's withering look doesn't faze him right then, mainly because he's been feeling like his balls have been cut off lately and he's had enough of this un-machoness.
"Anyway, I have a great story on Somalia's drought and I'm going to pitch it to Sandy today, so I'm gonna take off. Bye Marv!" Robin coos, waving to the three.
As soon as the door clicks shut, Barney feels a punch in his side.
"Ow!" He yelps, nursing his stomach tenderly.
"You know you can't keep this going for too long, right? It's going to blow up in your face so frickin hard." Lily says, through gritted teeth.
"It's like you don't even know me Lil, I'm a master of the possimpible!" Barney proudly exclaims, shaking his fist in the air.
"Cut the crap, Barn."
He lowers his fist slowly, grin still in place.
"Fine. I'll tell her I broke up with her or something."
"Why'd you do it though?" Lily asks, eyes shining curiously. Marvin gurgles.
Barney scratches his arm. "I like deceiving people. It's fun." He shrugs.
Lily flashes him a look of pity, one he absolutely hates. "Barney."
"What?" He's a little ticked now. "Just because Robin's my ex-wife, it has to mean something?"
Lily seems to sense the walls being put up, and she backs off, hands in the air. "Fine. I get it."
Maybe it doesn't have to mean anything, he thinks. Except, he came up with a fake girlfriend. Crap. Maybe it does mean something.
"Also. The 'Barnacle'? I thought we were done with that whole thing." Lily says, scrunching her nose up in disdain.
"How did -"
"Robin told me. She notices things, you know. Still."
"It's a pretty cool nickname." He says, bleakly, charisma all washed away.
"Whateverrrrr helps you sleep, honey." Lily jokes, patting his arm gently. "Now seriously, i'm not going to prod, but sort your feelings out."
Barney stares in mild amazement.
"You really mean that, don't you?" He asks, wonder in his voice. Lily Aldrin, messer, out of the game.
"Yup! I've grown." She proudly replies, face turned upward in a grin. "Anyway, you, get it sorted. Bye, honey."
Get it sorted.