As I'm laying here thoughts tumble around in my brain.
I've been so focused on the election, Leo's death and watching Josh turn into a zombie, I think I missed just how tense I've been myself.
There are days where I think I've completely morphed into someone else. Propositioning Josh for sex? More than once. Not exactly the old Donna's style.
There are times when I've questioned whether I know what I'm doing. And I've had to admit to myself that I don't. I wanted to do something important on my own, to prove myself to everyone I admire, but still at times I just want to take care of Josh. In many ways those desires are intertwined. I want the really important thing I do to be about him too.
And right along with those desires, was the more basic desire. I just plain wanted him. In every way possible.
The sex really has nothing to do with the job and I know that. But Charlie's comments the other day had made me think of things differently. I knew that Josh would offer me some position in the administration. Above all, he is fair. My hard work on the campaign would be rewarded.
One of my biggest fears was that Josh would convince himself that he had taken advantage of me or that being with him would destroy my career, and that he would sacrifice our relationship when he came to that conclusion.
It's sort of funny how you can know deep in your soul that something is meant to be- but have no idea how its going to actually work out. That's how I'd felt yesterday afternoon. Mrs. Santos offer to be her chief of staff really had surprised me! I really didn't feel qualified. And I probably didn't handle that meeting very well.
But when I met with her to accept the job, and told her about this vacation, she'd hugged me and said- "Being friends with your boss isn't all bad."
I'd almost replied: "Sure, as long as you don't fall in love and ignore it for years!" I'd kept that response to myself and simply thanked her for the opportunity and for the vacation. She'd looked at me curiously for a few minutes. I think she wanted all the details. But she just said "Enjoy yourselves." I hadn't mentioned that I was going with Josh, but Helen Santos is sharper than she's given credit for. I think we will become good friends. I'm really excited to see what we can accomplish next to our powerful men.
The thoughts in my head are starting to slow down. I feel my shoulders relax. I think I heard the mostly silent masseuse mutter "about time" before I drift off to sleep.
The wedding assistant gently pats my shoulder. I stretch and smile at her. I feel better than I have in weeks. "What time is it?"
"Just enough time for hair and make up, and to slip into your dress."
Later I'm standing in front of a full length mirror, and I look like a bride! The cream satin dress is perfect. My make-up looks natural. And my hair has a slight curl to it. I haven't curled it in a long time, but when she asked I instantly remembered how it looked the night of the second Inauguration when Josh told me I looked amazing.
The wedding assistant smiles at me and says I'm missing something. She hands me a box. The note that's attached says "something blue" in Josh's scrawl. I open it to find a beautiful blue topaz teardrop pendant hanging on a delicate chain. I put it on and it lays perfectly in the hollow of my neck. I grin into the mirror.
The assistant hands me a bouquet of flowers. "Are you ready?"
Oh yes. I'm ready.