In the previous chapter: Rey tries to convince Kylo Ren to leave Snoke and the First Order, with disastrous consequences.

Chapter 18

I spent the better part of the day trying to break my bond to Ren.

Inside my head, the golden cord vibrated like a live power coupling at my touch. It was apparently content with the current of power flowing between us; indifferent to the grief that welled up in my throat when I thought of our furious argument and the bitterness with which we'd parted.

I followed the bond through my mental starscape to a spot somewhere halfway between us. I was prepared to haul up my shields at any moment should Ren come barreling toward me from the other end. There was no sign of him besides a hazy barrier he'd constructed while I slept. It repelled my presence like forcing the wrong ends of two magnets together.

I pressed closer, intent on studying the structure to figure out how it worked, and then scowled at myself. I was here to destroy the connection that linked me to that wretched man, not admire his latest attempt to shut me out and push me away.

I curled my fingers around the glowing cord and grit my teeth. For the next few hours I tore and ripped and yanked and clawed. I poured my grief and loathing and heartbreak into permanently destroying the gleaming link that bound me to a man I both hated and cared for more than anyone else in the galaxy.

The bond was resilient, however, and remained unscathed no matter what I did. If I tapped deeper into the Force, I could… no. I had no business doing that, not when I could still feel the residue of dark energy on my skin.

Guilt coursed through me at the thought of that shameful, soul-withering moment when I had let all of those awful emotions into my heart: the thrill of unleashing that destruction through the Force, the maniacal glee while watching Ren shiver in agony at my feet, the sheer depth of power at my disposal if I would only...

I flung myself away from the cord, all the way out of my head and back into the sweltering AT-AT on Jakku. Sweat had soaked through my clothing. My eyeballs stung as if they rolled in a bed of sand and grit. My assault on the cord had rebounded into my body and left me with unpleasant stomach cramps along with a throbbing headache.

Shadows had piled high in the corners of the AT-AT while I fought with the bond. I couldn't stay in my ruined home overnight, nor was I willing to sleep on board my ship and risk having half of it scavenged out from under me. Going back to Emmett II was the next logical step… after I'd dealt with the bond.

I descended into my head once more. The bond was no closer to being broken than when I'd started hours ago.

If I couldn't get rid of it, my next best option was to hide it.

I started at Ren's barrier and worked backwards. My hands fluidly camouflaged the cord and obscured its route so it would be almost impossible to find, much less follow. My old scavenger tricks came rushing back as I worked to cover and mask the shining cord. I wrapped the gleaming connection with a blanket of darkness and stars so it blended in completely with the endless expanse of space around me. Then I pulled the cord in different directions to make its path as erratic as possible, looping it around wayward stars and weaving it through far-flung galaxies.

After an hour I was finally finished. There was no doubt that the bond still lurked between us, but if Ren came looking for me it would take him days – if not weeks – to find me.

I retreated to Jakku's dry heat and stood in the doorway of my old home. The sun was melting through the layers of clouds hugging the horizon. My hands fell limp at my side. Every part of my body hurt – my head, my hands, my heart. My stomach was empty. My mouth was dry. I was alone. Outside, the desert was still and lifeless.

I'd left Jakku a year ago, but in that moment, it felt like nothing had ever changed.

–

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–

I accidentally barged into a meeting of high-ranking Resistance officers while looking for Leia.

A sea of inquisitive faces stared at my unexpected entrance. My exhausted brain recalled too late that the lieutenant who'd told me the General's location had warned me that she was busy.

A starmap covered with elaborate notations rotated at the front of the room. Leia stood next to it, clearly cut off mid-explanation by my entrance.

"I'm... I'm so sorry," I choked out, and spun to leave.

Leia's voice made me pause: "Rey, stop. Please stay. We're just about finished."

I shut the door and slunk to the back of the room, where I dropped into an empty seat. I cradled my head in my arms and tuned out the rest of the meeting. When was the last time I had felt so emotionally drained, so physically depleted? I shut my eyes and focused on simply not thinking at all.

Some time later, a hand gripped my shoulder. I looked up into Leia's kind eyes and breathed in the light floral scent of her soap.

"Rey, sweetheart. What happened?"

Luke and Finn stood on either side of her. Before I could reply, Finn took one look at my face and said, "It's Kylo Ren, isn't it?"

Leia's gaze darted to him in surprise. Finn shrugged and told her, "I found out about her mission right before you all went to Skunkt."

I bit my lip as a fresh spout of guilt gushed against my heart. It had only been a couple days since Finn had expressed his desire to be more than friends. The rift between us would only seal shut with time. I missed his easy, uncomplicated friendship and the warmth of his broad smile. In that instant, I wished he would crack a bad joke about Kylo, even if it was right in front of Luke and Leia, and make me laugh and feel better about the awful encounter on Jakku.

I inhaled a shaky breath, gathering just enough air to talk rather than burst into a fresh round of tears.

"I messed up. I failed my mission." I let out the story in a rushed babble: the bloody massacre in the Ramarode temple, retreating to my AT-AT on Jakku, and the conversation that had gone from bad to worse to disastrous.

Luke and Leia listened in weary silence as I described my terrible argument with Kylo. Leia's shoulders slumped and Luke tucked a supportive arm around her. They'd been through this with Ben, before Kylo Ren's rage had consumed him. It was exactly what Luke had warned Leia about months ago, when Leia had first pleaded with me to bring her son home.

Finn's face was pinched in tight disapproval. Even he had seen this coming. He'd been a target of Kylo Ren's wrath on Starkiller, and had countless stories about the dark enforcer's fiery temper. He'd warned me about the mission multiple times, and I'd held my head high and insisted I could handle it.

Rey, the orphan scavenger from Jakku, could handle a psychotic First Order warlord who also happened to be the grandson of Darth Vader.

I'd honestly believed that.

Over the past year, memories of Kylo's sharp temper and vile acts on Starkiller had faded, overwritten by Potentium, sunlit temples, stealing kisses in the shadows of Skunkt and holding hands from opposite ends of the galaxy. I was a fool for forgetting who – and what – I was dealing with.

I looked up at Luke and Leia. "I told Kylo that you'd known about our Potentium missions the whole time. He got so mad."

I paused because I couldn't bear to reveal the devastating finale of our argument, when I'd slipped into the dark side and choked him. But in my hurry to skip over it, my words grew careless.

"Ren refused to abandon the Order and then left Jakku. I convinced him to take the disk, though I don't know if he'll watch it."

"What disk?" Leia asked. Her voice was kind despite the sudden sharpness in her eyes.

Shit. For a panicked moment I wanted to cover up the blunder, but couldn't coax a convincing lie from my foggy and overworked brain. Like earlier with Ren, my best option was to tell the truth.

"Roony gave me a copy of Snoke's memory, the one he handed over as collateral for our meeting on Skunkt. That's how I learned about the Victive. I'm sorry for lying."

"You had a memory from Snoke," Leia repeated slowly, as if she had to say it out loud to believe it had happened. Luke and Finn looked equally shocked by my revelation. I fidgeted and felt my hackles rising under the combined intensity of their stares.

"A copy of one, yes."

"Rey, you…" Leia pinched her fingers to the bridge of her nose. "When I asked you about the memories, you said they had all been destroyed. Help me understand. You had the chance to hand over information about the First Order. And instead you gave it back to them?"

"I told you every detail of what I learned from the memory. It's all still here in my head. I couldn't forget it if I wanted to. I'm sorry I lied about where it came from, but that doesn't make the information worthless."

Leia must have briefed Finn on the information I'd shared with her, because he vigorously shook his head. "Can you describe the faces of every person who died? What town they were in? What planet they were on? The time of day, the time of year?"

I was silent.

Luke spoke for the first time: "It should have been submitted to Resistance intelligence for analysis."

Though his tone was softer than Finn's, the reprimand was clear. He'd agreed, at Leia's insistence, to let me help locate the memories on Skunkt. He'd even held off Kylo Ren to allow me time to track down Roony. He'd placed his trust in me, and I'd repaid his confidence with lies.

My tone grew heated: "I needed that memory to convince Kylo to leave the Order. If I didn't have proof that Snoke was using him, then I had nothing!"

Leia's face closed up as my motive to save her son became more clear. How many times had she been forced to choose between being a leader and a mother? On this point, at least, she wouldn't argue further with me.

Finn had no such qualms. "You chose to keep that memory to yourself so you could help one person. That disk could have helped save a lot of lives, Rey."

"Turning Kylo away from the First Order would have saved lives, too!"

"Would have," he repeated, poking an accusing finger at my chest. "But I don't see him standing here next to you."

"Finn, I think that's–" Leia started to cut in, but my words barreled right over hers.

"I tried as hard as I possibly could to convince him to leave. Don't you dare tell me that's not good enough."

"I just don't get why you'd choose to help him over your own allies! You're acting like you're sleeping with him."

My cheeks burned like they'd been pressed into Jakku's sun-scorched sand. "We haven't done anything like that!"

Finn's head jerked back as if I'd slapped him. "You haven't done anything like that," he repeated. "But you've done other stuff with him?"

My lip curled and I shot to my feet. I'd had enough.

"How about using the dark side of the Force to choke him half to death? Does that count? Because that's what happened. I lost my temper. I lost control. Ren was almost unconscious by the time I stopped."

My confession echoed into stunned silence.

For a third and final time that day, all of my lies vanished. The truth covered me like a fragile and ragged spiderweb.

I met Luke's heavy, grave stare. "I'm done with the Force. I don't want to be a Jedi."

I looked at Leia and continued, "Reassign me. I'll be a mechanic and work with Cue'ar."

Finally, I turned to Finn. "I'll always love you as a friend. I understand if that's not good enough for you. But it doesn't give you the right to talk to me like I'm trash."

As I walked out of the room, an oppressive weight evaporated from my chest. I'd made the right decision to be honest with all three of them, no matter how harsh their reactions had been. Every inch of my body felt light and effervescent… everything, that is, except for my heart.

I'd left that behind on the meeting room floor.

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