Wow, I can't believe how well the first chapter has been received. You guys are amazing, here is the reward for awesomeness... Chapter 2, enjoy!
Amelia's POV
Walking away from the on call room, I know I have just ruined the one good thing I had left in my life. My little family, Arizona and Sofia, as in typical Amelia fashion, I've screwed it up. And for what? Because I didn't like what Arizona was saying? Even though I know she's right, she's always right, but all I have done for the past week is push her away and avoid her.
Tears escape my eyes, the first time I have properly let them flow since she told me about my brothers death. Heading straight to my office I lock myself in, not bothering to hit the lights. I don't actually want people knowing I'm in here, I just want to be alone. Sliding down the door, my body hits the floor.
What am I going to do now? I have nothing left, my brother is gone, my girlfriend and her daughter, gone, my 'sister' doesn't think I'm her sister. I literally have nothing.
I need something, something to help. Anything. I bet I can find some doctor dealing within this hospital. I need it, don't I?
"Quit crying like a little girl Shepherd, come on." I tell myself, abruptly standing and wiping away my tears from my eyes and my face.
Wandering around the hospital I find a few people that I ask the right questions to, eventually finding the name of the person I need to talk to. Perks of being an addict, it's easy to spot other addicts. We all have a certain look when we are high.
As I'm walking the halls, trying my best to look busy rather than on the hunt, Webber stops me to try and talk to me.
"Oh, Amelia, have time for a cup of coffee?" He asks, just being nice.
"Sorry, busy day." I tell him, turning my back to him as I stop at the nearest nurses station.
"Haven't seen you at a meeting in a while." He says from behind me, causing me to look exasperatedly at the wall in front of me.
"A long while." He continues as I don't respond.
"Like I said, really busy." I answer him, placing a smile on my face to mask my internal pain right now.
"Edwards mentioned something, about you..." he trails off as I interrupt him.
"Really? What else is Edwards saying?" I ask accusingly as I spin round to face him.
"I'm not accusing you." He scoffs. "I'm checking in, I get to check in, that's the kind of friends we are." He tells me, my anger rising.
"I do not have time for coffee, I do not have times for meetings, my job is not to make you feel better about me, my job is to make my patients get better. Do you know what could happen in the hour or two I could be wasting having coffee with you? An hour or two matter, they matter to me, they should matter you, they matter to my patients. If I leave, and my patient dies it's not me that will suffer, it's his mother, his sister, his friends, his wife and they will hate me. With everything inside them, they will hate me, and you and everyone here, because they won't understand why he is gone, why people always leave, why everyone you give a crap about walks away or is ripped from your world without warning, without reason in convenience stores, and plane crashes and hospitals with doctors that don't do what they are supposed to do, which is save people." I tell him, finishing my speech at a shout, people staring in the hallways of the hospital. And then I spot Arizona, stood there, having witnessed the end of my rant, her face filled with hurt, anger, anguish. Picking up my tablet again, I walk away from the situation. Heading quickly to find Dr. Jones the junkie dealer.
Hours later, I'm 'home'. Meredith disappeared with the kids, so I'm staying in Derek's dream house. Pacing around the decking trying to decide whether I should actually take the pills currently residing in my pocket. The urge consuming my every thought, as I naw at my fingers.
"Hey." Arizona says from behind me, startling me out of my dilemma momentarily.
"Hey." I greet her with a nod, continuing with my pacing back and forth.
"Sofia is with Alex, I wanted to see how you are." She tells me.
"Yeah." I respond, not really listening to her words.
"Ok, I'll, uh, I'll see you around." She says, moving to walk away.
"I have a baggy full or black market Oxy in my coat pocket and I'm trying to decide whether or not to take it." I blurt, Arizona stopping in her tracks and slowly turning to face me.
"Got the dead Derek thing completely managed." I say taking it from my pocket and showing her before turning to pace the decking again.
"I know people were worried, since he died everyone's been looking at me, waiting for me to fall apart or freak out or just brrrrrrrr, become a mess. Like some bomb everyone thinks is supposed to go off. My mother was calling three, maybe four times a day, Addison was calling, everyone. Makes sense. It's natural. Every man I've ever loved, has died, including my baby. Thank you universe. So I should be, great tragedy, turned to stone, bat crap crazy, but I'm good, I got this, I am fine. I'm telling you I'm amazing. I am saving lives left and right, I am putting butts in the seats of that OR gallery, people are fighting to hear me lecture, I am entertaining, joke joke joke, I'm funny. I'm fun, I'm a party, I'm doing, I'm great. I'm handling the dead Derek thing really well." I say, my voice breaking the whole time I'm talking.
"Ok." Arizona says, clearly unconvinced.
"Except today, I yelled at Richard, who was only trying to invite me for coffee and broke up with my girlfriend, over nothing, and then I went and scored Oxy from this junkie doctor." I explain.
"But you haven't taken any." Arizona says moving towards me gingerly.
"Not yet, but I might. That's the thing, I really actually might. I have been sober for one thousand, three hundred and twenty one days, Arizona. I was fine, it was managed, but I might." I tell her.
"All the stuff you're managing, you're not supposed to be managing it, you're supposed to be feeling it. Grief, loss, pain. It is normal." She tries to tell me.
"It's not normal." I argue back.
"It is, it is normal." She tells me, walking towards me as I walk away.
"It's not normal to you, because you've never done it. Feeling it, feeling the grief and the pain, you've shut it all down and you do drugs instead. Instead of moving through the pain you run from it." She tells me, leaving us stood facing each other, not saying anything for a minute.
"Derek died, he died. I don't want to feel it, I just, I don't think I can. I don't think I even want to. I can't, I can't. I can't do this." I say, going for the pills that I have stored in my pocket.
"You have to, if you don't, that bag of Oxy isn't going to be your last." She tells me, silence once again falling between us. Looking at the pills in my hand, I stretch my arm out and hand it over to Arizona. She carefully takes the pills as I finally break down, my body falling straight into her arms as I cry.
Even after everything, Arizona holds me, tightly. Comforting me, helping me, even after I broke up with her.
Ok so a fairly short ish chapter but I have to go out and I wanted to post it. Hope you enjoyed it. Go hit review please guys ;) x