Chapter 18

We didn't head straight to the woods.

Even if you've never worked a job where you can conceivably be covered in animal shit, you can probably guess that the next step is always clean-up. I keep a duffle bag of work clothes at Cassie's place for exactly this reason, and I'd had the presence of mind to change into them when we'd started. I'm not sure if it was a boyfriend-girlfriend thing or if it was because of the morphing experiences, but Cassie had no qualms changing in front of me.

I mean, I've seen Cassie in swimsuits and sports bras, but I've actually never seen her in her underwear before. It's not like she was wearing some kind of risqué Victoria's Secret lace thong or anything, just a generic white bra from Target and black briefs. I'm not trying to be perverted or anything here. My point was that she was comfortable with me. She trusted I wouldn't stare, and so I didn't. I just got a glimpse as she changed from the coveralls and pulled up her shorts.

At any rate, she'd seen me in my boxers a few times by that point.

"Should we call the others?" I asked, as we were both washing our hands in the basin sink in the barn. I wasn't sure exactly how this was going to go. Elfangor and I weren't actively fighting or anything, but I could tell when he'd flown off last night that he wasn't pleased that I was having reservations about our future missions. It made me nervous, honestly.

She shrugged. "Probably wouldn't hurt."

It took just a few seconds to send the group text to Rachel, Marco, and Tobias. I really hoped I was over-reacting, but it never hurts to have a little backup. Cassie grabbed her backpack and we headed down the now-familiar trail.

The walk to Elfangor's little hideout was pleasant. Walking hand-in-hand with Cassie could never be anything less.

The small, sheltered valley of the creek bed offered adequate privacy for a hiding alien. He'd said he had chosen to stay here because of the trace radiation of his ship or whatever, but I had to wonder if he hadn't chosen to "crash" at this particular spot on purpose. He definitely wasted no time moving in. Someone, maybe Tobias, but possibly Elfangor himself, had set up the old tent Cassie had offered. The outside of the tent was covered with sticks, branches, leaves, and such, so that anyone passing by - or flying overhead - would never notice it was there. In fact, it looked like whoever had set it up had gone to the trouble of digging down about a few feet into the earth so the tent would be recessed slightly, and then moving an old dead log next to it to brace the mess of sticks and assorted camouflage.

Next to the tent, offset by a respectable distance, was a ring of stones, apparently gathered from the creek, placed around a shallow pit and full of charred wood. Someone had lit a fire.

"Someone's been busy," I said.

"Looks like it," Cassie agreed.

*Your school session does take hours of the day,* the familiar thought-speech voice replied. *I felt I should make myself more comfortable.*

I think that was the first point that I realized Elfangor was homeless. I had just assumed from the fact that he looked like a deer that he lived outside naturally. It had never really clicked that he might require more shelter than any other woodland creature. It felt stupid in hindsight.

But at least he hadn't been spending the day making explosives, so that was a plus.

Elfangor stepped out from the trees, one of the metallic cases from his ship held tight to his body.

"Would you like me to take that?" I asked.

*Yes, if you would not mind.*

I took the canister, and it was fairly heavy, but manageable. Elfangor's arms seemed more like the forelimbs of a kangaroo, and each finger was more of a small tentacle than an articulated finger. Shaking hands with an Andalite, I thought, would be like being grabbed by a small, furry squid.

*Andalite arms are not designed the same as human arms,* he said, apparently noticing my gaze. *Your species evolved from tree-dwelling, brachiating ancestors, and you can support the entirety of your weight by only one hand. This is not true for Andalites.*

"Um, sorry."

*Apologies are not necessary. It is merely an observation. And while our arms may not be as strong, our fingers are far more dexterous. We had an evolutionary impetus towards the use of tools much sooner in our history than in yours.*

"Well, that's cool," Cassie said.

*Jake,* I heard Marco's voice in thought-speech. I looked up to see three ravens, sitting together in the tree above us.

"How long have you guys been there?" I asked.

*We came here straight from school. Cassie told us to,* Rachel said.

"They were here the whole time?!" I shouted. "That's why you wanted help with chores, isn't it? You were stalling so these guys could have time to morph and fly over."

"Well, yeah," she said. "But I did need the help anyway."

*Don't single out Cassie,* Tobias said, *We're all just as curious about the next leg of this as you are.*

I glared at Cassie, but she just smiled at me. That smile took all the wind out of my sails, but I had to say something. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't be mad at you," I said in an obviously fake-mad tone.

"I'm cute?"

"Oh, we're going there? That's your defense?"

"Oh, please. Like you weren't going to do this. You texted all of them the second we were done in the barn, didn't you?"

"Ugh, you got me there. I guess I can't be mad then. You guys, down here and demorph. We're kinda back to square one and we need to go over the next leg of this."

Five minutes later, they were all in their morphing outfits. Marco and Tobias were in nothing but bike shorts. Rachel was wearing a sports bra and yoga shorts. Cassie opened her backpack, tossed both the boys their shirts, and handed out the three cell phones she'd been holding.

"Okay, so where are we starting with this little intervention?" I asked.

"I think," Marco said, "that we should go over the first plan."

"The first plan," Rachel said heatedly, "was to bomb the hell out the place. We can't do that if there are innocent people down there."

"It's not just people," Cassie said. "Elfangor, you said yourself that the Hork-Bajir are peaceful. And I'm not thrilled about those worm-monster Taxxons, but if we're going to try to save the hosts, I think it's a bit weak to only save our own species and not the others."

"Oh, come on," Marco said. "Cassie, I give you props for open-mindedness, but let's not over-complicate the issue at hand."

"Well who made you boss?" Rachel asked.

"I gotta agree with Marco," Tobias said. "If we save all these Hork-Bajir and Taxxons, what are we going to do with them?"

"Guys!" I roared. That got everyone's attention. "We can roundtable this later. Elfangor, I think Marco's original question deserves an answer. What exactly would your bomb plan entail?"

Elfangor looked at all of us, one by one. *Humans are very complicated creatures,* he said simply.

"Yeah, I can't disagree with that, can I? But seriously, spill it. What was your original plan?"

Elfangor looked away suddenly. *I have enough components from my pod to create a primitive zero-space condenser. With the correct settings, I could create a feedback loop. The z-space field would collapse and release enough energy to destroy the base, or failing total destruction, at least significant damage.*

"Holy shit," Rachel said.

"Elfangor," Cassie said, "you do get that there are innocent people down there? Right?"

Elfangor slouched suddenly. *I am aware, Cassie. I truly am. I understand the cost. I am not unfeeling. I truly am not.*

I felt his conflict flow through me. He carried it well, I'll give him that. I gasped as the emotion hit me, felt the impotence of his choice, the weight of his regret pressing into my mind. I felt the back of my throat go tight, the tears standing in my eyes. It was enough to bring Cassie to her knees. Tobias shifted uncomfortably, I saw Rachel's face contort like she'd bitten a lemon. And Marco just shook his head solemnly.

I sighed, took a breath, and asked the question I didn't want to ask. "You still want to blow up the Yeerk pool, don't you?"

Elfangor turned all four of his eyes to me, and that just didn't seem fair. It's really disturbing to have four eyes of the same face look at you, as you could imagine. But it also makes it really hard to make eye contact back. It's just really distracting. He didn't answer for a long beat, like he was ashamed by his answer.

*It is not by preference. If I had other options, I would pursue them. But I do not. I am alone, I am lost, and this mission remains my best tactical option. It could potentially cripple the Yeerks long enough for help to arrive.*

"How can you be okay with killing all those people?" Rachel accused.

I felt Elfangor's conflict turn to anger, all my thoughts suddenly became tinted red with the heat of it. The hatred echoed, it was so loud. He hated the Yeerks in a way that went lightyears beyond war. They were obscene to him, sickened him. The very name caused the anger to ripple. When we had first found him, I suspected he could broadcast his emotions. Now, there was no question. But as the emotion continued, I felt the complexity of it. He wasn't just mourning the human hosts. He was mourning his comrades. For him, the two were linked.

"You're doing this for them, aren't you? This isn't about the war, this is just personal, isn't it?" I asked.

*What?*

"You heard me, Elfangor. This is revenge. This isn't a mission at all. You just want to kill Yeerks for the sake of killing Yeerks. "

*Insolent human child…* he said. *You know nothing of war.*

I felt the disdain, the insult. But I didn't care. "Look at me."

He didn't.

The anger continued roughshod through me, and for a minute I couldn't tell if it was his anger or my own. I had helped Cassie hold pressure to his wounds. I told Marco off when he told us the smart thing was to bail. It had been my decision to touch the cube, to gain the morphing ability. I had been the one to go into the Yeerk facility at the airport.

And he was treating me like a child. Like I just didn't understand why I couldn't have ice cream for dinner. That I'd understand when I was older. I wanted to scream. If Cassie hadn't been there, I don't think I could've held myself in check. I felt my blood boiling. But I swallowed and pushed the anger to the side.

It wasn't going to help. Exhale, let it go. Ebb away, try again.

Control.

"I am a human child, Elfangor. I'm sorry, I know it's not the help you need. But that's what you got. And there are human children in that place. I saw them. I watched them. And I know, I know so goddamned vividly that you lost so much for this war. You carry every one of those Andalites in your head, don't you? I bet you knew every name on that ship, didn't you? And they're gone now, and you feel it's your fault."

*One hundred thirty two confirmed deaths…* he whispered.

"It isn't your fault, Elfangor. That's their fault," I said. "I know why you hate them. I hate them. And I'm not a hate kind of guy. And you're right; I don't know anything about war, I don't. I'm not old enough to enlist and I never really considered joining military. But I do know about loss. It sucks, and it's not something you ever get over." I took a breath.

"This insolent human child helped dress your wounds. Cassie helped hide you in the barn. Tobias spent almost a whole day as a bird for you. Rachel used her friend to help spy on our principal. Marco told us we should have left you where we found you. That one way or another, this shit would haunt us forever." I looked at Marco and he wouldn't meet my eyes.

"And damn it if he wasn't right. The five of us flushed our comfortable naïve existence for you. I can't speak for them, but I don't blame you for that, I really don't. We didn't know what we were getting into when we saved you, but it was the right thing to do. I wouldn't wish knowing about these alien slugs on anyone, but at the same time, knowing about the Yeerks, I could never choose to forget the things you've showed us.

"But I'm not like you. I'm not a soldier. I'm not even a fucking Boy Scout. I have seen things you take for granted. You know what a Taxxon is, seeing them is normal to you. You probably learn about them in basic training, have whole files on them. Hell, you even seem a bit sympathetic to them. But on Earth, that is what a nightmare is made of. A grown man would cry at the sight of something like that. And I am willing to fight that… for you. Because I have to. Because no one else can.

"But if you try to take a bomb down there, if you kill a thousand human beings just to salve your own conscious, just for petty revenge, well that will be your fault."

I was done. It took a minute to catch my breath, to feel my pulse return to normal, for the pounding of blood in my ears to go quiet. Elfangor said nothing. He stared at me for the longest moment, and then he simply collapsed. His knees folded like jack-knives and he fell to the dirt and cried.

I cannot put that into words.

It's the kind of thing that sounds maybe darkly beautiful in poetry, to open your soul and let someone listen to the pulse that runs through it. But when you're carrying the death of more than a hundred people, believing down to your very core that the blame is yours, that every subsequent decision you make could further your personal disaster, that sound is hideous. A cacophony that throws madness like paint splashing on the walls. He let loose a telepathic scream that deafened all thoughts to anything besides his loss. What I had felt in the barn, that was nothing but bubbles on the surface. He had been holding this in since we found him. He knew before he hit the ground that everyone was gone, knew it and knew it was on him.

And like fate was taunting him, like whatever Andalite gods existed had plucked him just to make him watch, he had survived. His brother was at the bottom of the ocean, stranded, his great military superiority evaporated, and his desperation lashed him to us five kids like an ox to the cart. He had swallowed it for days. Because he had to.

And I had pushed him to his breaking point on purpose.

I am not proud of that. Later that night, I fell asleep sobbing into a pillow in a way I hadn't done since Marco's mother died. Till that moment, I didn't know I had that kind of resolve in me. I didn't know I could plant myself like a tree, I didn't know I could rip someone down like that so easily. And knowing I could do it was disturbing. If I thought Elfangor was callous, I knew then that I could be too.

But I wasn't wrong, either.

*When my ship fell into this atmosphere,* Elfangor said, *I knew I was alone.*

The telepathic anguish was passing. It would always be a part of all of us. I doubted it would ever completely fade, but the moment was over. Only the vivid, excruciating memory of it remained. And that was enough. I would have traded the world right then to have spared the others of that. And Cassie… Cassie looked like she wanted to cry and I felt like a monster.

*And when I knew I was alone… I knew then that I was destined to die on this planet. That all of it had come full circle. But then I heard your voices. The two of you kept me from exsanguinating in this very field.*

He looked up, suddenly. Like this was the first time he was really seeing this little crease in the woods. He closed his eyes, and I thought he was just letting the sun was over his face for a moment, letting the wind touch the strange, soft blue fur of his face. Maybe he was just catching his breath.

*I thought nothing then but my retribution. If I was to die on this planet, if all else had fallen, then I should not let it be for naught. I would avenge the fallen. I would cripple the Yeerks on this planet. Maybe they would cut their losses, maybe they would linger, but to strike such a definitive blow that the others to come behind me could clean the mess I have made of your world.

*But you* he looked at all of us, one after the other. *You would not let me take this personal crusade to its logical conclusion. You would not let me become that which I so detest.*

Cassie went over, knelt beside him, and hugged him. I'm not sure if hugging is something familiar to Andalites or not, but it was familiar enough to Cassie. She gently held the alien's head to her breast, stroking the fur of his neck like she would a puppy.

"I can only imagine what you're going through," she said, as though she hadn't just felt it nearly firsthand, "but we can't do this without you. I know you're mad, I know you're hurting, but this isn't revenge for us. This is our planet, these are our people. We need your help."

He seemed to just sit there for a long moment, letting Cassie pet him like a giant, sentient cat. *I believe this may be undignified,* he said after a minute. *Though, admittedly, I do find the physical reassurance rather comforting.*

Rachel laughed and she and Tobias helped Cassie bring Elfangor to his feet.

*What am I to do without my vengeance, Jake? How would you have me spend my exile if not fighting the enemy?*

"At any point did I say you couldn't hurt the enemy?" I asked. "I am not asking you to put your revenge on hold. Far from it, actually; I'm going to help you however I can. But we're going to do it without sacrificing all those people."

"Jake, that's a great sentiment," Marco said, "But exactly how do you suggest we do that?"

*To liberate thousands of hosts, through only surface tactics, would be a logistical labyrinth had I all the resources of my Dome Ship and all my fallen soldiers.*

"Look," I said. "When I was driving Cassie home last night, I thought maybe the best option would be to do the run again. All of us get the lizard morph this time, and just do some more recon, get some more intelligence."

"That sounds a lot like a lateral step than it does moving forward," Tobias said.

I shrugged. "Maybe it is, but I thought maybe taking Elfangor down would lead to other options. Like ninety percent of the stuff I saw down there makes no sense to me."

"Alright," Marco said. "So your solution here is to go back to San Jose, all of us go in as lizards, and all of us see the hellhole you've described on the hope that something will just give Elfangor a better idea?"

"Well, when you put it like that…" I said. "Yes."

"I'm in," Rachel said.

*That will not be necessary.*

"Elfangor?" Tobias asked.

He kept his main eyes on me while his stalk eyes scanned the others. *By now, you realize that I am capable of projecting thoughts and emotions.*

"Yeah, I'd say we noticed," Marco quipped. "What's your point?"

*When I first met you, and you helped me to Cassie's barn, I showed you the Yeerk homeworld.*

"That hologram thing?" Tobias asked.

*It was not a hologram. It is a memory recording.*

"You have the technology to save memories as computer files?" Marco asked.

*Yes. It would not take much for me to extract the memory from Jake's mind so that we could all experience it.*

"Wait," I said. "So instead of flying back there you're going to use my brain to play it back like a movie?"

*I suppose that is an accurate assessment.*

Well, the plus side was that I had talked him out of the bombing mission. The downside was that I seemed to have gotten myself into a different kind of mess. "Okay, fine. I'll do it. How do we do this?"

*The first step,* Elfangor said, *is that you will need to morph an Andalite.*