Author's note: This chapter is unrelated to the main Stan x Kyle plot, but it feels appropriate to address the Cartman issue, get him out of the picture for a little while, and re-introduce him at a later stage.

Chapter 2: Eric Cartman

Eric Cartman. The name that brings sheer terror to any babysitter, teacher, or human who has encountered him. From the outside, he appears to be a somewhat overweight seventeen year old with some sadistic qualities. From the inside however, for those who knew him, he was Satan. Actually that observation isn't fair to Satan. Cartman is an evil, heterosexual and insane version of Satan who doesn't happen to be the boyfriend of the evil one - Saddam Hussein.

Students, parents and the general population of South Park witnessed with horror as the sweet fourth grader coerced his half-brother Scott Tenorman to eat some chili made of the remains of their mutual father and Scott's mother as well as licking his tears. There have been many moments in the history of South Park in which Cartman has shown his malice and true intentions in a range of different scenarios.

It was fair to say that Eric Cartman was a beast, a demon in human form, a worthless life form with no emotions, a stain on the face of the earth. Never to be loved, never to be held and never to be remembered. A being with a stone heart, taking pleasure from others pain and sorrow.

"Heiiiiiiidiiiiiii..." Cartman wailed in his bed, crying on the phone to his now-ex-girlfriend Heidi Turner. "Please Heidi, please take me back" He pleaded in desperation. "Look Eric, we're two different people with completely different beliefs and -" she was quickly cut off "B-B-B-B-ut Heiiiiidiiii, I love you! Please! I can change! I promise you!" Heidi looked around her room for some excuse to hang up and end the horrible conversation she got stuck in having.

If there was one thing that could be said about Eric Cartman, it was that he was smart. Not many people see it, but he always has an agenda along with plans in exceptional detail for the vast majority of the time. Kyle Broflovski was equally, if not greater than him intellectually and managed to see past his plans - although this time it was different. No-one knew what Cartman wanted with Heidi or what she wanted with him as a matter of fact.

Heidi Turner and Eric Cartman were finished. She couldn't put up with his constant bad attitude towards her and his infuriatingly nagging sarcastic remark to everything she said to him.

Since their breakup, Cartman started acting moodier and that's saying something. For every comment that was made about his recent mood swings, there was an immediate shutdown by means of insults and anti-semetic remarks coming from the fatass' loud mouth. His best friends, Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Wendy didn't care for him, but still hung out with him at school as he normally provided some good form of entertainment within the group.

Mr Mackey, the student counsellor at South Park High School, has had dozens of talks with Eric Cartman regarding his behaviour towards students and staff at the school. When Cartman was asked into his office, it almost seemed routine as being nothing out of the ordinary.

"Hello Eric, why don't you take a seat, m'kay?" Mr Mackey began with his attempts to be friendly, Cartman simply following orders. Over the years, Mr Mackey had earned his respect and patience by his constant attempts to assist and provide him with advice where required, so Cartman had learned to listen and go with the flow in his presence.

"How's your day been Eric?" Mr Mackey asked kindly, with a friendly smile plastered on his face, meanwhile Cartman stared straight in his eyes with a blank expression. "Cut the bullcrap, what do you want?" Wasn't the response he was looking for, but with Cartman, politeness isn't a quality to be expected.

"Well Eric, as you know, your behaviour has been terrible lately, m'kay. Many students have reported you and the faculty can't ignore this any more." Cartman looked up, his face showing a hint of fright and worry. "We've referred your case to a behavioural expert who's here to talk to you today, m'kay. So, Eric, meet Cesar the dog whisperer." Cartman's face said it all. He remembered his first meeting with the dog whisperer, when he 'tsst' him into silence and obedience. He made a break for it, but was stopped straight away by the Mexican of his nightmares at the doorstep.

"Hello again Eric." was said alongside a beaming smile with a face that said 'I want to help'. For Cartman however, it was the face of a monster with the ability to cause suffering with a single touch. "I've taken a look in detail at what your problem could be. Thankfully I've narrowed it down to one thing... you are fat." Cartman listened to the dialog, paused for several seconds before his eyes appeared to grow in size. Sending the impending rant, Cesar moved two fingers near him prepared if he decided to kick off. "I'M NOT FAT! I'M BIG BON-" tsst. tsst. tsst. Silence.

Mr Mackey hovered over the seemingly lifeless seventeen year old in front of him and stated "you're going to fat camp Eric".