Guest Review Responses
Thank you for the favorite/follow: sukiefonye, Foosball45, Lady Elizabeth-Jayne, Thanks2x, and Maragwondaleya.
Guest: This chapter flashback made me sad for Pepper. I understand her mindset at the time, I just so wish she had said something to Tony. I think that he would have given it all up for Pepper and their child. The Avengers, all of it. Nice work btw! IMO there is no such thing as a too long chapter! – You know, I think he would have too :) I love long chapters ^_^
Guest: I would like to at least read one chapter where Pepper is the one putting forth the effort to try and get Tony back. I mean she's the one who broke his heart for reasons (although tragic) that she's kept to herself, which in my opinion is kind of selfish. – Today is your lucky day, then (and a also the day whenever I post Chapter 17 :D) However, I must say, having been in Pepper's position, that if taking care of my needs and protecting myself from others while I overcome a traumatic event is selfish, then I am the most selfish person ever. The word selfish is always thrown out there in a negative connotation when other people do things that affect us in a way we don't like (or that interfere with the way we want things to go, because we selfishly want our needs met before others'.) However, when we ourselves do the acts of "selfishness," it's all justified and not at all selfish because other people 'don't know what we're going through.' Funny how that works, huh?
PolishGirl: Great chapter! Can't wait for next update ;) – Thank you! This one is mostly flashbacks, but it needed to be out there before we wrap this up.
Stark13: Almost the end ? A little sad... Your writing is really good and in all your chapters we have a lot to read. Thanks again for all your work. Very impatient tout read the end of this incredible story ! – Thank you! This is a hard chapter to read. Have tissues nearby.
Olivia: Wow u got a new chapter out fast! Love this story... honestly has been the highlight of some of my days reading it! Sad it's coming to an end but u did and AMAZING job can't wait to read your future works! Thank you for seeing it through I can't imagine what you are going through personally. Praying for you and your health xoxoxo – Thank you very much :D I'm happy you like it, even though the quality of this story is not one I'm proud off. Thank you for your prayers, too. The support is always welcome and appreciated.
Guest: Another great chapter! Keep 'em coming. Looking forward for more. – Here be a new one! Only two more and the Epilogue left!
Chapter 15: Brasilia
She had foolishly thought that she had found the solution to her major predicament, but the events of yesterday morning, what Tony had said to her while at the office, had taken the rug out from under her. She was now in a worse situation than before. She had turned a tiny hole and made it into a goddamned crater. She had tried to put a band aid on a cannonball wound. And now she found herself too late to fix the injury she herself had caused.
Pepper stopped typing the e-mail she was about to send Dr. Adler and stared at Tony with wide eyes. "Did you… did just say you want to close down the building? You want to sell Avengers Tower?"
Tony was staring out the large glass wall, his eyes showing he was both thinking aloud and asking her for her opinion in the matter. He did that a lot when he was incredibly conflicted about something.
"Yeah. I've considered it. Very thoroughly. It just doesn't make sense to have this building, you know?"
"One moment," the redhead said with a raised index finger that Tony could not see because he was still giving his back to her. She took advantage of the silence and his distraction with the view of NYC to finish emailing the doctor that she was going to miss yet another follow-up appointment with her. The doctor was not going to like it, but there was nothing that Pepper could do right now. By the time she sent the email and closed the browser window to prevent Tony from seeing the constant communication with the doctor that had performed her sterilization surgery, Tony was sitting across from her by the executive desk in the office.
"So, I want to know what you think?"
"You mean you want to tell me what you already want to do."
"Hey!" Tony looked taken aback by her snarky retort. "I want your opinion and I value it, Pep."
As quick as her claws had come out, they had gone back in.
"I know you do. But knowing you… you've already made the decision. Probably already sold the damn place. You just want to see what I think so that you can determine how much sucking up you'll have to do."
"Oh, shit!" Tony smiled and shook his head from side to side. "You're my fucking soulmate, you know that? God! Knowing how much you know me turns me on, Pepper. Do you still have that 2 o'clock?"
Pepper scoffed and rolled her eyes.
"Stop stalling, Stark. What do you want to do?"
"Well, thank you for asking, Sweetheart," he cleared his throat and straightened his tie before speaking again. "So, I had a thought. This place has been under attack twice. Twice, Pepper. Did you realize that?"
"As a matter of fact, I did. I had to organize the repairs. Both times."
"Oh, right," Tony flinched. "Thanks for that, by the way. Superb job."
"Keep going."
"Right. So… like I was saying, this place has a huge target sign painted on it. Because, you know, it's the headquarters of the Avengers and all. Which is fine by me, but… The location. It just doesn't sit well with me, anymore. Honestly, I should've thought this through BEFORE I invited everyone to live and work here. You included, Honey. This place… it just isn't safe. And I know I can't make it completely safe because that is never an option anywhere, but that also means the city is that much more vulnerable because we're here."
Pepper nodded. At least his logic was sound.
"Right. That makes sense. But, what about everything and everyone that is already here? What are your plans for that?"
"We could relocate them. Everyone, right? We can store things in secure locations. People can be given the option to work remotely. That's all the rave for employees these days, right? Flexible work locations? Work from home? All that jazz."
"Sure. We could. We can. But that also means we have to find a new place to live. With our home at Malibu gone and everyone knowing where it used to be…" Pepper shrugged, leaving the rest of her statement unfinished. She knew that Tony would understand what she had meant to say.
"Well, then there's that… and, about that…" Tony began, his right index fingernail now scrapping against the desk, a sign that Pepper knew to be a nervous tick of his.
"Oh, brother. What is it?"
Tony swallowed hard and then cleared his throat repeatedly, making Pepper that much more nervous about learning what he was having such a difficult time relaying to her. Thankfully, he did not make her wait too long.
"I was thinking about that, too. About us. Even if we didn't sell the building, which we should either way – we… we should move, anyway. I mean, I love it here. I know you do, too. The convenience is great but… Well… We have to think past Monday, you know?"
"Past Monday? You mean, like, Tuesday?" Pepper joked, unable to stop herself from mocking the inventor about his inability to think long-term.
Tony scoffed, accepting the obvious jab in stride with a nod.
"Yeah. Yeah. All the way to Wednesday, can you believe that? I still don't know my social security number, BUT I learned the days of week."
Pepper chuckled, and Tony soon joined, too, but his laughter faded almost instantly; his face turning serious once again.
"This place is great for us, as long as it's just the two of us. But we may not always be just the two of us."
Pepper's eyes instinctively landed on the locker where she had held the Iron Man onesie, and then at the corner trash bin where it had ended before being thrown out the building with the rest of the garbage, and then swallowed hard.
"Oh-kay," she slowly closed her laptop and turned to face him completely.
"I'm not…" he threw his hands in the air. "I'm not committing to anything or asking you to do something about it, right now. I'm just… trying to think long-term, you know? I… my parents did it – and a lot of people do. But I'd rather not, you know?"
"Rather not do what?"
"Oh, uhm," Tony pulled on his collar, "Raise… kids… in the city?"
"Oh," Pepper pursed her lips and took a deep breath. "That. That-that's what you meant."
Tony shrugged, feeling uncomfortable with the conversation, but also knowing that it was somewhat overdue between them. They had been together for a long time, and they had had one pregnancy scare already, but that did not amount to talking things out.
"I'm sure there's nothing wrong about it, but, well… what do you think about it? Do you have a preference? And I'm not just talking about a preference on city/suburbs living. I'm also asking… what I should've asked a long time ago. Really should've… is that… are kids something you've ever thought about?"
Pepper bit down on her tongue before giving her reply. The genius did truly just pick the worst of times to make his thoughts known.
"It's crossed my mind as much as it crosses anyone's mind, I guess…"
"But? I sense a but coming."
"But, I thought you weren't into that… I mean, last time I thought I was, you… well…"
"I know," Tony grimaced. "And I… well… just think about it, OK? This is a longer conversation, I know. And this is not the place for it. And you've got to go to your next meeting in, like, five, but... just think about it, and then we'll talk. Please?"
Talk, Pepper internally scoffed. Talk about what, exactly? Talk about how he had just told her that he was not opposed to having children with her, but she had just made herself infertile without talking to him about it? Sure! That conversation was going to go well.
Despite knowing that the talk he wanted would lead to a place he had no idea was coming and he would not like, she smiled at him and gave him a nod.
"OK. We'll talk."
xxxXXXxxx
"Ms. Potts, this is Janet with Dr. Adler's office. We've been trying to reach you to discuss the results of your latest check-up. Please give us a call at your earliest convenience or stop by our office as soon as you can. You don't need to make an appointment. We will see you as soon as you get here. Thanks."
She had had several unread emails and voicemails that sounded almost the same, all from Dr. Adler's office. She had been so busy during the trip that she had hardly checked her personal phone and email, but since Tony was busy playing scientist with Leonor Pinto, their investor in Brasilia, she had taken the time to catch up with her personal life. She was not a doctor or a mind reader, but she knew enough to know that, when your doctor wanted to discuss your health in person, it meant that something was wrong.
A sudden thought made Pepper pale and her eyes opened wide: what if Dr. Adler's office tried to contact Tony instead after so many failed attempts at getting ahold of her? What if he spoke to them and they told her what was wrong with her? What if they relayed to him the nature of her latest medical tests and he found out from them what she had done? Or worse, what if she was dying and he found out first?
Pepper chuckled at the irony of it. Was she meant to repeat Piero's story?
"Sure hope not," the ginger said as she closed her laptop and turned off her personal phone, her entire body shaking and her mind racing with a thousand thoughts. Whatever it was, no matter how horrid it would be, she would deal with it when they returned to New York. Just as she would deal with finally telling Tony what she had done.
xxxXXXxxx
"OK. We'll talk."
What the fuck was she supposed to do after that conversation?
The reality was, what was left to do was obvious, but not as obvious was the way to do what needed to be done.
The redhead stopped at a red light on her way home, her fingers impatiently tapping against the steering wheel. The music coming from the radio was being more annoying than soothing, so she angrily pressed the button to turn it off. She had not been this nervous about something since she had been sitting at Dr. Adler's office, waiting for her surgery, and she had not thought that anything else would make her this anxious and scared. She was not sure how this conversation was going to go, and that made everything worse than it could have been.
Actually, no. That was a lie. She knew how the conversation was going to go. What she did not know was how she was going to start a conversation that had the goal of breaking up with Tony fucking Stark. Especially after he had asked her what she thought about having kids with him. Pepper sighed at the thought and then pressed her foot onto the accelerator when the streetlight turned green.
She knew that there was not much else to be done about it at this point. She had no one to blame for this other than herself and her rash decisions. She had no one else but herself to blame for the pain she was going to inflict upon the man she loved. She just simply could not expect and allow Tony to stay with her after what she had done, three days ago.
Today had been long and tedious, and the short recovery time she had given herself after her surgery had left her feeling even more exhausted than usual. She needed a true vacation; a real break. One in which Tony was not hovering over her; almost accidentally finding out about what she had done to her body behind his back – to their chances of procreating, and one in which she did not have to hide her rather important post-operative appointment attempts with Dr. Adler from a more-than-usually unstable Tony Stark.
The inventor had been acting rather peculiar for the past couple of weeks. He had been both overly obsessed with her chores and location and somewhat distant and disengaged. One moment, he acted as if he was too busy with his own things to notice if she stayed late at the office. The next moment, he was calling her and asking her what her itinerary was like and when he should expect her at home. It was as if he was simultaneously giving signs of someone who was afraid that something was wrong with a committed relationship and was trying to mend it without knowing what the issue was, and someone who might be doing a poor job at hiding an affair.
The side-effects of willingly messing with one's hormones and womanhood had gotten the best of her and, sometimes, Pepper Potts had thought, if just for the briefest of moments, that Tony Stark could perhaps be cheating on her. But, then again, she doubted a man who was cheating on a woman would pretty much ask said woman if she wanted to have children with him in the near future.
Whatever the reason behind it was, it would soon not matter at all. She had made a final decision that had changed her life, and now she had to live with it. Alone.
"Here it goes."
The first thing that Pepper noticed as she arrived home was that every light in their penthouse was off, which was something odd, since the sun had set hours ago. As she got closer to the living room, it dawned on her that the only source of illumination in the place was a myriad of candles that highlighted the serene music in the background, which she had just now realized was playing in the first place. It was a tune she recognized, one that she loved, but right now it felt like daggers to her heart.
She slowed down her steps, her heart racing at what this ambience could mean for her. This was hardly the best atmosphere for a breakup: Tony clearly had other plans for them for tonight – but she knew that there was no going back. She had to carry on with her plans.
She dropped her purse on the couch, licked her lips in nervousness, and then saw Tony's outline in the dark.
"Tony?"
Pepper squinted her eyes to watch him come closer to her, his posture not yet giving anything away of what his intentions were. Knowing him, and despite the state of the living room, this welcome home did not have to be entirely romantic in nature, so she forced herself not to panic just yet. One time, he had done something similar to this to celebrate that he had finally fixed a very tricky mechanical issue with one of his cars. That celebration had included candles, champagne and music, and it had ended with them having sex on the trunk of said vehicle to "christen it."
History tended to repeat itself. Maybe it was doing so right now.
"What's going on?" she tried to sound nonchalant. "Why are all the lights off?"
When the inventor finally stood just two feet away from her, the way he looked at her and the way he was dressed told her everything she needed to know. This was serious. She had been wrong. Stupidly hopeful for something other than this happening. This was not a celebration for another awesome invention or for revamping an old car. This was the beginning of what she should have known was coming after the conversation they had had.
This was it. What she had been fearing would happen before she was ready: finding out that whatever had had Tony acting bizarre all this time had been big, and it was finally going to come out of the bag.
Or the box. The jewelry box he now had in his hand.
Oh, shit!
It was the last thing she needed right now. It was the last fucking thing that she wanted to deal with, at the moment, not even a handful of days after her surgery. It was the ONE thing she had hoped he would not do after all. Not after what she had just done to herself, days ago. Not after she had decided it was best to end their relationship, after everything she had done to screw up a happy future with him.
For weeks, she had thought long and hard about how to end it with him, as soon as she had set a date for her sterilization treatment. How to make it so that he could not say no to her wishes of breaking up. She had been delaying the inevitable while avoiding sleeping with him, and maybe he had sensed it because of it. Maybe he had been wondering if she was getting ready to bail, so it had prompted him into action. She thought that she had been subtle about it. She thought that she had kept it enough under wraps while she figured out a way to let him down easy. To leave no room for discussion or whatifs. But it seemed that she had taken too long to cut ties with him. Given too many signs that warned him of an impending and unwanted shift in their relationship. It appeared that she had perhaps inadvertently pushed him to do the exact opposite of what her plan was.
No. It was all that could go through her mind when she saw what he was about to do. No, Tony. Please, don't.
Before she could stop him, however; before she could spare him the heartbreaking outcome that she already knew was coming, he was down on one knee and in front of her, saying a bunch of words she could not make herself hear from him, with an opened ring box in hand she refused to look at. She was sure that whatever he was saying was beautiful and romantic, would have made her cry with love, but her mind could not focus on any of it.
"Marry me."
The last part of his speech was all she caught. And it was enough for her mouth to get ahead of her brain.
"I'm moving out."
Tony wrinkled his eyebrows in confusion, yet he did not move from the floor. He blinked several times, rehashing his speech in his head, tilted his head to the side, and then cleared his throat before speaking again.
"Uhm… This is my first time proposing, so it's all still new to me, but I'm pretty sure the choices for answers are either Yes or No."
"Tony," Pepper's chest started to constrict as she took a step back from him. "Please, don't do this."
"Don't do what? I don't… I don't understand… Did you hear anything I just said?"
"I'm leaving," she said without preamble, seeing no sense to sugarcoat the truth for him anymore. "I… I've thought about it, just like I said I would, and we… this is not working out anymore."
The genius was visibly taken aback by the redhead's words and he sprung to his feet, his mouth gaping and his head lightly shaking from side to side.
"Wait? Are you being serious? You… you're moving out?"
"Yes."
"But… why?" he snapped shut the jewelry box after briefly glaring at the ring, "I mean… how long? Are you coming back? What-what-what did I do?"
Pepper felt tears prickle her eyes, but she did not allow her emotions to take away her words. She had one chance to make sure that Tony understood her decision was final, and she could not afford to screw it up. No matter how much his current demeanor was stabbing at her soul.
"It's been coming, Tony. I… you… I just can't trust you. I can't…" she sighed and shook her head from side to side, hoping words that could make sense to him would magically came to her, even if they were partial lies.
"Trust me? You feel like you can't trust me? Pepper, I…" he placed his left palm on his chest. "I've been so faithful to you. I haven't looked at anyone else but you. You know that. I'm not interested in anyone else but you! Why do you think that I—"
"I know! I know! Not that kind of trust. I mean… it's… You just, keep breaking your promises, Tony. You just keep putting yourself in danger and I just can't do that anymore."
"Oh," Tony's shoulders deflated. "So, it's about me being Iron Man?"
Pepper nodded, not trusting herself to clarify the extent that his actions as Iron Man had led her to this: to having two miscarriages under her belt; her tubes tied; and the reality of no children in the future for them if she stayed with him, if he remained doing what he loved. It was not that she was leaving him just for being Iron Man. It was more that she was leaving him because she could not deal with the stress of being with Iron Man. Or with the stress of confessing to him that she would never bear him a child because she had made a hasty decision. And that his superhero persona had already made her lose two.
He would never stop being who he was, no matter what. Because he did not want to stop. And they both knew that.
"I told you," the ginger began, "A long time ago, that you were going to kill yourself, being Iron Man. And I also told you that I wasn't going to be part of it. So, this is me: not being a part of it anymore."
"But, Pepper, we… we-we talked about this. It's been so long since then. You… I thought we were OK?"
Tony was currently calmer than she thought he would be. But she knew that this was just the tip of the iceberg. It appeared that he truly had no idea she was planning to break it up, so his anger and hurt was taking longer than usual to make their appearance and guide his words. For him, her telling him it was over between them was coming entirely out of the left field. For her, this was a chance to do the damage and run like hell away from his upcoming wrath.
"You are OK. You blew up your suits and said you would let this go but then… then you went with S.H.I.E.L.D. to dismantle HYDRA. And then you kept doing missions on the side. Built more suits and more tech, and got even more involved with The Avengers. You even tried to take it global with Ultron, and you know that if he had worked out you would always have had to be involved with what he was doing to make sure he was being effective. Tony, you never left the business because you can't. You need Iron Man. You said you would stop. You said you were done with all of it. But you're not. You never will. And I can't do that to myself. Not anymore."
The opening and closing of his mouth like a fish out of water told her that he had nothing to refute her claims. He had gone back on his promise to put their relationship above his superhero life and they both knew it. She had known it for a long time, and he had known that she had known it, too. She just had not called him out on it, until now. And he had secretly hoped that she never did.
"This can't be it," he finally said, his gaze on the floor, his worst nightmare coming true before his eyes. "I mean," he half-chuckled, half-sobbed. "There must be a way for us to… We… we can work this out. I… I… I-I-I love you, Pepper."
"But you don't love me enough not to lie to me. To not make promises you can't keep. You don't love me enough to stop being Iron Man. And I love you enough not to ask you to. Because I know what it means to you. What it represents. I can't ask you to let go of something you love so much."
"Then why are you asking me to let go of you?"
Touché. He had her there. Or so he thought.
"Because you can. Because it's the best thing for us. Because it's time. Because you once had a chance to choose between us and Iron Man. And even though you said you chose us, he's still here."
In all their years together, Pepper Potts had rarely seen Tony Stark openly cry. She had sure as hell never seen him sob the way he was doing so right now. And she had been sure as fuck that she would never be the cause for any of it. Yet, here she was: wrong on all accounts.
"So, that's it? You can just walk away from this? From us? I thought… I thought we were stronger than this," he sniffled, the anger finally starting to show. "I thought we were fine. Making it work. I didn't even… I never even imagined that you would–"
Yes, here it was. What she had been both fearing and bracing herself for, finally staring her in the face.
"Tony, you knew something was happening. I know you did. You were acting strange. I'm sure this proposal is you just rushing into things."
It was a shot in the dark – a cheap shot. But it was all she had.
"Shows what you know," he scoffed despite himself and wiped his face with his hands. "I was acting strange because I was afraid you would find out I was proposing to you before I did. Because you're that good, and because I'm that shitty at keeping a secret this big. I mean, come on, Pepper! You know me! The first time I ever had a chance to address Iron Man and deny it was me, instead of sticking to the damn story, I told the world who I was. Do you really think I was going to be all smooth at planning to propose to you? I… I was nervous as fuck and excited as hell and I couldn't wait to tell the world that we… that we…"
Pepper hugged herself and looked away from him when his eyes fell onto the ring box he was now holding with unnecessary strength in a shaking fist. She knew that she needed rush out of there, but she could not make herself move. Her mind screamed to her legs to run, but she remained rooted to her spot. If she continued to watch him crumble and fall apart, however, if she continued to stay near him, she would never leave. She would never keep this deal of hers. She would break as many promises as he had done so, so far.
Then again, she also knew that if she did not give him something to hold onto at the moment, he would not allow her to leave. He would hide all of her belongings, if he had to, and follow her to wherever she went. He would not let go of her just like that. He would not stay away and move on with his life without her unless she gave him something to strive for. Some semblance of hope – as fake as it was.
If she just did to him what he had done to her: say things and make promises she really did not mean, as much as she hated lying to him, that would buy her a chance to put some distance between them. And, God! She needed it! She needed time alone with herself so badly!
With that thought in mind, and with desperation speaking for her, the lie was out her lips before she could reign it in.
"I just… need some time, Tony. Time apart, from you. From us. From all this. I'm tired. So tired of it."
Hearing her contradicting words made the genius' head snap up to face her; his eyes narrowed and his chest rising and falling rapidly.
"You're tired of me?"
"No. Just of this."
"Tired of us?"
"Tired of what us being together entails."
"So, what?" Tony angrily threw the ring box against the wall and then began pacing toward her as he spoke, "What… what are you asking for? Do you even know? 'Cuz you just said that you're moving out in response to me asking you to marry me. That it's not working out between us. But now you're saying you need time? What exactly do you want, Potts? Fuck me up? Because it's working!"
Pepper shrugged and tried not to look hurt by the use of her last name in such a hateful manner. He was losing his cool – had already lost it, in fact, but she could not blame him for his tantrum. She had caused it. She was feeding it with her lies, but she was so tired of everything that she had no energy left to think of something better to do or say.
"Right now, all I need is time. A break. From this."
"From me? From us?"
"From all of it."
"From all of it?" Tony scoffed and flared his nostrils. "Of course, you do. I'm such a fucking idiot. Here I am, telling you I want to marry you. Have kids with you. And you tell me you want to leave me? Huh! You're some piece of work, Pepper."
"Tony, please don't make this harder than it already is."
"For whom? For you? Are you kidding me? This is not hard for you! You're the one leaving. You're the one calling it quits. You… people don't just wake up one day and decide to leave the person they love, Pepper. They check out long before that. You… you've been gone a long time ago, haven't you? That's why you haven't slept with me, isn't it?"
Pepper lowered her head and shuddered.
"I didn't know how to tell you. I couldn't think of a good way to tell you the truth."
Tony's breathing turned ragged. His entire body shook so much that she could sense it. He was about to blow up. He was about to show her a side of him she had never seen.
"Is… is there someone else?"
"W-what?"
"You heard me! Is there someone else already? You fucking someone else behind my back?"
Her eyes went wide. This turning of tables she had not expected at all. "Tony, how could you even–"
"'Cuz you're sure as hell haven't been fucking me!"
"Fucking? FUCKING? Is that what it's been to you, all this time? Just fucking?"
"Don't give me crap!" he snapped at her. "You know exactly what I mean. So, who is it, huh? Who's been giving it you instead of me? Do I know him? Know them?"
Them? Did he seriously think that she was cheating on him with several men?
"You know what?" Pepper snatched her purse from the couch. "I don't have to stand here and be talked to like one of your one-night stands. So, when you're ready to talk to me about this like an adult, you call me, alright?"
"Don't hold your breath, Sweetheart."
"Whatever. I'll send someone over to pick up my stuff."
"Yeah, why don't you send your new lover? I need to warn him about you!" he yelled at her retreating form, anger coursing through his veins and then boiling to the point of eruption until he saw the jewelry box on the floor. It had opened upon impact; the ring nowhere to be seen from where he stood. That was his mother's ring. That was all he had left of her. And he had just thrown it away and treated it like yesterday's garbage, as if it was at fault for his pain or deserved the worst.
Just like he was treating Pepper right now.
But what was he expected to do? The woman he had spent almost half of his life with had just told him that she wanted nothing to do with him anymore. That she was tired of the life they both led. That she was done being there for him. That she could no longer bear to live with him. That she did not see a life together with him. That his dreams of family and dying old together were completely one-sided, and had been unrequited for some time now.
But she was still Pepper Potts – the person that had done more for him than anyone else he knew. The woman that had stood by him when he acted like a child or an ass. Or both. As he was doing so right now.
She did not deserve his attitude; his venomous words. Even if what she had just told him was breaking his heart and shattering his soul. Even if she had just done to him what he had done to the many women he had used and tossed.
And if he let her go like that, with their last words exchanged being ones of anger and reproach, he would never forgive himself. They would never be the same, if he did not man up and talk about this like adults.
Fuck!
"Pepper, wait! Please, I'm sorry! WAIT, PLEASE!"
But it was too late. She was gone.
xxxXXXxxx
Damn Dr. Adler's cryptic emails and voicemails! She had not been able to stop thinking about what it could all mean. More than once, she had reached for her phone to call the doctor's personal line to get it over with, but every time she had hesitated at the last second. She had already told herself that she would wait until they arrived at New York, and she would. She had to. They only had one more investor to visit and she needed to be sane for it.
Nevertheless, the not knowing was killing her inside. It was hard enough counting down the seconds to telling Tony what he had a right to know. She did not need the added stress of having to talk to her doctor about who-knew-what was wrong with her health, too.
Then again, perhaps this was a sign of the universe that she needed to let Tony in on her intentions. Maybe, this was an opportunity to broach the subject with him – or at least give him a heads-up that it was in the works. It was about time, anyway. She had promised him that they would have the conversation one more time once the break was done.
With that thought in mind, and before she could chicken out of it, the words practically exploded out of her.
"I'm ready. I mean, not right now, this very moment. But, when we get back to New York. I'm ready to talk."
Tony looked up from his laptop, fingers going still hovering over the keyboard, and he narrowed his eyes at her in confusion. He did not recall saying anything or asking anything. In fact, he thought that she was working on the reports for the board members as intensely as he was. Evidently, something else had been crossing her mind and she had voiced it while he had been zoned out. And he had definitely missed whatever it was.
Damn!
"I'm sorry, Honey, what?"
Pepper exhaled and nodded. "The talk. I… I would like for us to have the talk when we get back home."
Tony puckered his lips and further narrowed his eyes. "Babe, I think you know that I already had the talk. It was awkward, but I've already been told about the birds and the bees. Unless you have brand-new information I don't know about."
"Huh?" it was Pepper's turn to look confused. He smirked and winked at her as he waited for her mind to catch up. The moment her eyes widened and she huffed, Tony knew that she had finally arrived at the end of the thought process.
"Ugh! Tony, I'm serious, OK?"
"OK," he chuckled and closed the lid of his laptop. "And I'm thinking you want me to be serious, too, but I can't be until you give more context. Maybe. More likely than not. What talk are you referring to, anyway?"
Pepper gulped, closed the lid of her laptop, and then braced herself for his response. She hoped that her generic answer would help him understand what she was talking about without actually coming out and saying it. She did not feel like she had the energy to be as clear as day right now. Thankfully, she would not need to say much at all.
"Can you, uhm… can you make reservations at the Per Se?"
"What?"
This time, it was Tony who struggled to get to the end of the thought process himself. Once he did, however – rather slowly, at that – his face turned as solemn as the situation called for. He had not been expecting this to happen out-of-the-blue. In fact, he had somewhat given up on the conversation ever taking place. Or at least, not in the original terms they had once talked about. Many things had changed since then. And even worse things had happened, too. There was just so much more at stake today than there had been, months back.
But this was what he had wanted then. And he still wanted it now.
"Oh! Sure. Uhm… what day?"
"The fifth? July fifth?"
"The day after we get home?"
"Yeah. That day."
"All right," he replied as he slowly stood up, cell phone in hand. "Morning or night? Any preference?"
"Night, please?" she would need the entire day to prepare herself for it.
"You got it, Pep," he answered, a small smile on his face that she knew was not one of happiness, but of the same worry she felt at the moment, as he walked towards their bedroom in the jet to make the call.
It's time, Pepper, the redhead told herself. It's time.
xxxXXXxxx
It took him almost a week and several phone calls after she had ended it and had walked out of their home for both of them to be in a place where they could talk things out without snapping at each other. And it took yet another week to clear up their schedule, find a neutral spot to talk, and then agree on a time to meet.
The time was now.
And, to her surprise, she was the one that was late to a meeting she had not even wanted to come to in the first place.
"I'm sorry," Pepper immediately apologized as she sat in the chair opposite to Tony's at what was their usual table in their favorite restaurant, the Per Se. The owner of the location had a secret room at the very back of the site for patrons that requested absolute privacy during their visit. A call and a day of wait had been all that had been required of Tony to secure the spot.
"It's OK," Tony sat back down awkwardly after he had stood up to pull the chair for her, but she had beaten him to the task.
"I'm still sorry," Pepper said after a sigh.
"Don't be. I just got here myself. Traffic was a bitch," Tony lied. He had been here for hours, not wanting to be late to what could become the last opportunity for him to fix things with his former girlfriend. Begrudgingly, it did not escape his mind that it had taken Pepper being this upset at his ass for him to get his shit together and arrive at one of their dates on time; which, in turn, was probably one of the reasons why they were in this predicament in the first place.
Then again, in all technicality, this was not a date.
"OK, well… Anyway…" she inhaled deeply and brushed loose strands of hair from her face. Knowing ever since she had agreed to this meeting that she wanted to finish ripping the band-aid as quickly as she could, for her sake, she wasted no time in choosing her next words.
"So, uhm… where do you want to start? Maybe with coming up with a good plan to let people know about the separation?"
Not even a minute into their conversation, and he already did not like her stance or words.
"Uhm," Tony rubbed his right index finger against his forehead, something she knew he did when he was struggling to gather his thoughts. "I, uhm… I actually would like to continue… where we left off. I… I just don't understand why… where…" Tony groaned in frustration and gestured wildly with his hands in a way that showed his confusion with the entire situation.
"Look, Pep: this was completely unexpected to me. I had no idea you felt this way and I… I don't feel like it's fair that you ended things like this. Without even giving me a chance to fix things. I just–"
The moment Pepper pursed her lips and slightly narrowed her eyes, he knew that her defenses had gone up at his words. If she had given him the opportunity to flinch at the gesture, he would have. But the redhead was quick to interrupt the rest of his statement with one of her own.
"You don't FEEL it was fair? To whom, exactly? To you? Because if we're gonna talk about fairness, you haven't been fair to me either. You've been doing everything you want to do – even things you said you wouldn't do anymore – and you haven't even stopped to ask if I've been OK with any of them."
Tony raised his left palm to her.
"OK. Let me stop you right there. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you've never been one to hold back your tongue, Sweetheart. We've known each other for years, and not once have you not made sure I know how much you hate something I did or said. You even tried to quit on me because of it! That… that's… that's always been us, Pepper. That hasn't changed."
Pepper crossed her arms over her chest and scoffed. "And what exactly has that done for me? For us? You still do what you want to do, even if I don't agree with it or tell you not to do it. You still get your way."
"Not for the things that really matter. Or at least, not for the things that involve us. Together."
A raised eyebrow and a tilt of the head was the only response that Pepper gave him before he raised his hands in a defeated gesture.
"OK, fine! Me still being Iron Man was something that mattered and it affected us both. But, in my defense, that's why I didn't give it up. Why I couldn't give it up. Because if I did, I wouldn't have anything to protect you when the alien assholes came back, and that is not an option for me, Pepper. You know that."
"OK. So, what you're saying is that, you'd rather me be mad at you about breaking your promise to cut down on Iron Man, and anything related to it, as long as it keeps me safe? Am I hearing you right?"
"Not in those exact words but… yeah… essentially. I guess, one could say that?"
"Is that so?"
"Yeah?" he winced.
"Well, then we don't have a problem."
"We don't?"
"No. We don't. Not anymore at least. Because, the only reason why I would be in danger in the first place, is because I'm with you. In fact, the times I have been in danger, it WAS because of you. So, since we're no longer together, you get both things you want: you get to be Iron Man, and I am safe."
Tony opened and closed his mouth a few times, tried to begin making a retort he was unable to fully create, and then finally groaned.
"Yes?" the redhead prodded, knowing full well that he did not really have anything to argue with. His lack of an instant reply proved her point.
And there it was. The unspoken truth they both had known but had never brought up: she was only in danger because she was connected to him. Whether they had never talked about it because it was just too obvious or because it was irrelevant to do so since they had been together, neither was sure. Now, however, the situation had changed. Now, there was no reason not to talk about it. In fact, this was the only time such a topic would make sense to explore.
"OK. All right. I'll give you that. But…" he cleared his throat, gulped, clenched his eyes shut, and then his mouth closed once more with a sigh of defeat.
This time, however, Pepper waited patiently for him to say his piece. It felt like she needed him to – like she should, even if she ended up not liking what he could end up replying after he finally gathered his thoughts. In truth, she did not want to give Tony too many opportunities to come up with an argument that would force her to tell him the truth, but she also knew that if she did not give Tony a chance to make his case, he would keep asking her to meet until it became inevitable for her to be completely honest with him about what she had done. And being honest with him was something she could not yet do when she was not being truthful with herself about how she really felt about everything. About how much she now regretted her decision to sterilize herself.
She waited for what felt like days, even though only a handful of silent minutes had passed between them. And then, when Tony continued to stare into the void and no other words came out of him after three more minutes after that, she cleared her throat and spoke again.
"But you wanted to have your cake, and to eat it too."
Tony scoffed and nodded slightly, her words summarizing the many answers that had been going through his head.
"Yeah, I did. The thing is, though: I thought it was OUR cake. I thought we both wanted it."
Pepper swallowed hard and dropped her eyes to stare at the salt and pepper shakers in the middle of the table. It was the only way she would be able to say the next words.
"I thought so, too. I did, at some point."
Tony nodded again, his gaze traveling towards his side of the table, also unable to stare directly at her.
"But now you don't anymore."
A shake of the head that he did not even register was her only response. He did not need to look at her to know what her answer was, anyway. Her silence, and the fact that she had declined his marriage proposal, spoke louder than anything she could have said to him at the moment.
It was done. She was done. With him. She had finally come to the end of her rope. She wanted nothing to do with him. She did not want to love him. She had not come to this meeting to try to work things out. She had come here to further cement her point that they could no longer be. And now he had come to terms with it, too.
Her breath hitched in her throat when she saw his trembling hands turn into fists and heard him exhale almost painfully so. Flashbacks of how the first attempt at this conversation between then had ended flooded her mind. This is how he had looked before he had exploded in anger at her in their home. This was the only warning he had given her before he had all but accused her of cheating on him – perhaps with several people. And, damn it all! She did not want a repeat of that.
She opened her mouth to say anything that could potentially soothe him before he blew up like a volcano, but he was faster than her… again.
"Half of my life, Pepper," his voice was soft and gentle, despite how broken he looked. "Half of our life."
"What?"
He looked up at her and gave her a small smile, tears shinning in his eyes.
"That's how long we've been together. Almost half of our lives. I guess… I guess I never thought I'd see the day you'd call it quits on us. I figured…" he sniffled, "I figured that, if you hadn't left by now, you never would."
Pepper wrung her hands together and sighed.
"You may think that it isn't, but this is hard for me, too, Tony. The things we've been through together… You… you became my best friend before I even realized I loved you as more than that. Even when I was just your assistant. And maybe that's what I did wrong. I… I ignored the boundaries. I set myself up for this."
"Because you wanted it, Pepper. And I wanted it too. Not consciously at first, I'm sure, but… when I finally realized what you meant to me. How much I needed you in my life? There was no turning back for me. There IS no turning back for me. You're it, Pep. You just… it's always been you."
Pepper closed her eyes and looked away, the phrase he had just uttered taking her back to the moment he had asked her to be his CEO.
"I'm trying to make you CEO. Why won't you let me?"
That question, in and of itself, had been some kind of a proposal, in a manner of speaking. And now, years later, his next proposal was him asking her to be his wife – and she was not letting him do that either. It was not an option any more.
"I need time, Tony," she fell back on her previous escape phrase, unable to find anything else to say to him that was not the simple truth. "Can you do that?"
"Is it really a choice?" he sighed and slumped his shoulders. "You're breaking up with me, anyway, whether I say yes or no to taking time. Does it really matter what I say? Does it really make any difference at all?"
Well, at the very least, he was being more calm and rational about it than he had been the last time. That had to count for something, right? All that was left
"It's a choice, and it does make a difference. You have the choice to decide if you want to leave it open to talk about this later on or not. It's your choice to decide if you want to work things out on your end to see if there's a chance at compromise, or to take the time to figure out what our lives will be like if we end up staying apart. Because, you know the nightmare that's gonna be. There're just some things that I need to think about. Work through by myself. And maybe, after I find answers for myself, we can see if trying again is something you'd want."
"Or something you'd still want."
"Or that," she conceded.
Technically, she was not completely lying to him. This was, in actuality, the closest she could come to telling him the truth. She did need the time to think things through. The time that she had been thinking of taking before she had been denied the opportunity when he had proposed to her. The time she should have taken before undergoing the procedure that had changed the rest of her life.
It could be, too, that it was too late to take the time now to deliberate on the consequences of her decisions. But it was, nevertheless, something she had to do either way. There would be no coming clean to Tony about her feelings and experience if she did not completely embrace the situation herself. Besides, maybe her telling him that she could no longer bear his children would be the one thing he could not forgive of her. Maybe, him having the knowledge that she had selfishly taken it upon herself to make a decision for the both of them without consulting him would be the final straw. Perhaps, the realization that she had done the one thing she was all so high-and-mightily accusing him of doing: choosing for the both of them, would be the reason this breakup would become permanent after all.
But she still needed time, regardless of what his final decision would be once the conversation came about. She needed time away from him. Away from the places and people that kept the wound open and exposed. Time to prepare herself for the drama that would follow if she permanently separated from him even if he still wanted her and she did not – and for preparing for her heart to break if he decided that he no longer wanted anything to do with her and she did.
"Look," she took one of his hands in hers and locked eyes with him, surprised that he did not pull back or looked away from her. "I can't see the future, so I can't promise you anything except for one thing."
"What's that?" he asked in defeat and squeezed her hand, knowing and fearing that the end of the conversation was near. She had clearly already made up her mind, weeks ago. He was just here to accept that she had.
Despite the pain that she knew her gesture would bring to the both of them, she lifted his hand to her mouth and grazed it with her lips, pulling a shuddering breath out of them both. She then placed his hand on her chest, covered it with her other hand, and then spoke the only entirely truthful line she would utter the entire night.
"I'll be there, Tony. No matter what."
Tony nodded once, brushed her cheek with the back of his free hand, and then smiled sadly as he spoke his next words.
"And I will still love you, Pepper. No matter what."