A/N: What else is there to do when you're cooped up in your room sick all week but write, and what else do you write when you're on Christmas break and have no essays due? 3 chapters updated in a week! My Christmas gift to y'all. Plus how can anyone be depressed when writing about Liv and El? They're like a dose of happy! medicine (see what I did there? heehee) Ok, I'm done rambling. Here's chapter 6:
The sunlight filtered through the windows; shining on the couple that lay wrapped tightly in each other's arms. Elliot moves to stretch and the loss of contact causes Olivia to stir from sleep.
"El, what time is it?" She stretches and then snuggles back into him, resting her head on his chest and planting a few small kisses. He rubs the sleep from his eyes before glancing at his phone. His eyes widening.
"Uhh..11:30."
"Are you serious!? Holy crap I don't think I've slept that good in years, maybe ever."
"Guess I really wore you out last night huh?" He smirks and she laughs, smacking him lightly.
"Please, I'm the one who wore you out. You're the one that's old remember?"
"Hey, you seemed to think this old guy was in pretty good shape last night."
"You're impossible. Seriously though, this was the first time I've been able to sleep through the night since-" She trails off and shutters. His arm around her waist tightens, letting her know he's here. Not Lewis.
"It's ok sweetheart, I'm right here, you're safe." She smiles and kisses his shoulder where her head was resting.
"That was what I was trying to say. Being here with you, being in your arms, you make me feel safe El. Warm, loved. It was the first time in so long I've been able to sleep without being afraid. Without having a nightmare or a flashback or having too much on my mind to even get to sleep. I'm so glad you're home."
"So am I. I always want you to feel safe with me Liv, always. I'm gonna protect you to my last breath, even when you fight me for being, as you call it: 'overprotective'." She rolls her eyes but her smile widens.
"Have I told you lately that I love you?"
"Only about 10 times in the past 12 hours. And don't worry, I heard you loud and clear." She laughs and snuggles closer to him.
"Well good, because I do. I don't remember a time I felt this comfortable, this relaxed. This whole." He smiles and leans down to give her a gentle kiss.
"Good. Cause I don't plan on ever leaving you again and I was hoping you were ok with that."
"You better not, you're mine Elliot Stabler and believe me there's no way I'm giving you up without a fight. If someone even so much as hints at wanting to try and take you away from me again; they're gonna be sorry."
"You don't have to worry about that anymore, it's all over."
"Good." He leaves one arm wrapped around her as she moves away from him to grab her phone off the nightstand and check her messages. "Nick texted, asking if I'm ok after yesterday, and-"
"Are you? And don't just say 'I'm fine' because you know I can see right through it." He raises his eyebrows at her.
"Yes, I have you, I'm absolutely perfect."
"If you need to talk about anything, I'm here. You never have to hide from me Liv." He squeezes her hand.
"I know El, but I'm serious...I feel well rested and relaxed. I'm not panicking right now, I'm ok." She smiles at him. "That thing you mentioned earlier..about you being overprotective?"
"I know I know but I told you Liv that's just how I'm gonna be with you. I love you too much to not be overprotective, you mean too much to me." He gently cups her cheek in his hand. "I know you can take care of yourself, but that doesn't mean you always have to." She kisses his nose.
"You didn't let me finish El, I was going to say that you were being overprotective but that was what I've missed the most about you. It's been weird, going 7 years without having to blink my lights when I got home from work. Actually, for the first two weeks you were gone I still did, just to myself." They both laugh at the image of her blinking her lights for no reason at all.
"First couple weeks I was in the program, I couldn't drive a car."
"Wha-why? That's an odd rule."
"Wasn't a rule, it was me. I was so used to having someone riding with me, whether it was you or Kathy or one of my kids. Driving solo just felt weird. My parents didn't get me a car until my senior year of high school, by that time Kathy and I were together with Maureen on the way. Then of course when I joined the Marines, started as a cop I always had a partner or someone riding with me. I've spent a quarter of my life driving with at least one other person in the car. It was a huge adjustment, especially cause the first car they gave me when I went into the program..was a Crown Victoria. Same type you and I had, different color but still. I couldn't even look at that thing at first without wanting to cry.
"That..must have been hard. Why'd they give you a car that was so similar to the one you had here?" He shrugged
"Familiarity I guess? This might freak you out, but I had a picture of you in my wallet, sometimes I'd put it in the passenger seat next to me and pretend I was really talking to you."
"Except the picture didn't talk back."
"Didn't argue with me you mean?" He responds teasingly and chuckles. "Actually, sometimes it did. I'd hear your voice in my head, tried imagining how you might respond to something I said. I never wanted to forget you." They shared a warm smile.
"About a month after you left, Nick and I had a particularly hard case. He was just, trying to be a good partner, trying to get to know me better, make sure I was ok. I knew he didn't mean anything by it, but he offered to buy me dinner and drive me home like you used to. Even was gonna order Chinese cause he heard me say it was my favorite."
"Yeah?"
"I slapped him..so hard that he had to wear an ice pack for the rest of the night, and still had a bruise the next morning. I felt bad, so the next night I offered to buy him dinner and he was worried about me so he agreed. We stopped at the Chinese place and the waitress that normally served you and I came to the table. Everything was ok until she asked Nick if he wanted to order that new soup that you really loved. The one you ate the last time I saw you. He, not knowing that it was 'our thing', agreed to try it. Saying it sounded good and.. I just lost it."
"You slapped him again?" He was slightly amused. She rolled her eyes at his expression.
"No, I just burst into tears. Screaming at him, accused him of being the one who had stalked you, threatened you, done something to you, and now that you were gone was trying to replace you. It was totally irrational but, I was such a mess that I couldn't stop myself. One of the other customers called the cops, ironically, saying there was some crazy lady screaming at her 'date'. 2 guys from narcotics showed up, assuming I was on something."
"Oh my gosh." Even though it wasn't really funny, they both had to stifle laughter at that.
"Nick stood up and told them it was alright, that we were cops too, from Special Victims and had just closed a hard case. One of the officers happened to be a friend of Fin's when he worked for their unit. So Fin comes, doesn't say a word just drives me home and I was pretty much inconsolable. Course Cap got word of what had happened and told me to take the rest of the week off. I got into my apartment, put on one of your hoodies you left in my closet and stayed in bed crying for 3 days."
"And Cragen still wouldn't tell you where I was? I told him the first time you were in danger to get them to let you talk to me! I may not have been able to be here but that didn't mean I was just gonna neglect you. Not when you really needed me." He was tense and looked like he wanted to snap Cragen's head off or punch a wall or something. She knew his anger too well, of course, most of the time it was because of how protective he was, but he had no reason to be. Still, she was the only one who could calm him down.
"I wasn't in danger Elliot, I was just grieving, heartbroken."
"And knowing you that probably means you weren't taking care of yourself. You were blaming yourself. You weren't sleeping, weren't eating..that counts as being in danger Liv, at least to me. I'm so sorry. I can't believe he waited 3 years to tell you, that he'd wait until-" She squeezes his hand.
"And I'm thankful, so thankful that he told me then. Because I have never been so scared in my life El." Her voice cracks but she continues. "There was no way I could have survived if I hadn't heard your voice, no-no way I would have been able to-to…" She is struggling to control her own breathing and he wraps her in his arms again, comforting her, letting her know he's there. Immediately hating himself for making her think about what happened to her that year for the 2nd time in 24 hours.
"Shhh it's ok, it's alright Liv, you-honey you did survive. But it wasn't because of me, it was because you're strong, so strong. It's all over now sweetheart, it's all over." She takes a shaky breath and relaxes in his embrace. "I should never have hinted at that or brought it up Liv, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He plants a light kiss on the top of her head and it seems to keep her grounded.
"It's fine Elliot I'm, I'm ok. I guess I'm still shaken up from having that flashback yesterday I didn't mean to react the way I did. I'm the one who's sorry, god I've cried in front of you more in the past couple days than I think I ever did when we were partners-"
"Liv, for one thing, I told you last night that we are still partners. It was never just about the job for us, you know that." She gives him a small smile. "Olivia do you remember that case, it's been almost 10 years ago now, I had taken off for Kathy's grandma's funeral? You and Fin were looking for the baby of a marine that had been killed. It was about 6 months after Sealview, and..god I'm terrible about bringing up the past-" She laughs lightheartedly at his rambling.
"I'm not made of glass El, you can bring up whatever you want. I know I'm safe with you. I'll always feel safe with you. But yes, I know which case you're talking about. Pruitt really surprised me with how kind he was, especially after I nearly shot him while having a flashback. He actually sent me a letter the week of Lewis's trial-" Hearing the name 'Lewis' sends Elliot back into protective mode and he panics.
"Liv I didn't mean, you don't have to, I wasn't bringing that case up to bring up him again Liv I-"
"Elliot, I need you to do something for me. There's something we need to do together and it will be good for both of us. I promise. You trust me don't you?"
"Of course I do. Isn't that my line?"
"Not right now it isn't." She sits up, facing him and takes both of his hands in hers. "Elliot I need you to squeeze my hands, not too hard but firm enough to hold them in place. To keep me grounded, and I'm gonna do the same for you ok."
"Liv what is this-"
"El..please." They're both squeezing each other's hands now, firmly and reassuringly.
"Look at me Elliot, we need to see each other's eyes clearly. We're a team, a partnership, this can only work if we are completely focused on each other, no one can hurt us when we're together. We're too strong, always have been. We balance each other, keep each other safe, build each other up."
"Liv, you-you're kind've scaring me."
"We feel each other's pain El, we really do. That's why I know that I'm not the only one traumatized by what happened to me, whether it was the beach house, the granary, the basement. We've solved a lot of problems together, saved a lot of people together, but..somewhere along the way I think we forgot that we have to heal ourselves together too." He just nods, encouraging her to continue. She moves their hands, one set to where her heart is and the others to his so they can feel each other's heartbeats.
"You're my other half Elliot, but I didn't always realize that and I don't think you did either. It was so much easier for us to shut each other out..but that's how they win."
"Who?" She swallows hard and takes a deep breath, his eyes keeping her calm. I'm doing this for Elliot and I, no one else is here. No one can hurt me. It's just El.
"Harris, Lewis, White, whoever threatened you, they win when we don't talk to each other. When we're together they can't be in our heads, there's no room, they're not strong enough for BensonandStabler. Separately maybe but not when we're together. Talk to me Elliot, because I can tell you're just as scared of what happened as I am, for a different reason..but you kept it inside for so long."
"Which time?"
"Any of them. Because you're always so careful when talking about something that happened to me and I don't think it's because you think I'm made of glass. I know you're trying to protect me, you always are, but I feel like if we are both too afraid to say their names..the healing process won't work. But, saying the name doesn't make them here..that's what sent me into a flashback yesterday but I wasn't in the right frame of mind. I shut Fin out, and I shut you out, both times. And I didn't see the pain, the guilt, the fear it caused you and I'm so sorry for that." Her eyes are shining with tears now.
"Liv-" He whispers soothingly, likely to comfort her. Calm her with his gentle, loving words like he always did, but she couldn't let him carry all the weight anymore. She couldn't let him hold her, comfort her while he kept his own pain inside of him..afraid of scaring her if he talked about anything. She was his partner, she was supposed to protect him too, and right now she felt like she hadn't. They had both been traumatized. They were both afraid, but when they were together they could work through anything.
"Let me finish El, please. You've always been the one to comfort me, take care of me even when I fought you for it. You've always been there. I just didn't always see you, and I'm sorry." He opens his mouth to say something but is silent. He knew she needed him to listen, so he gave her hand a squeeze instead.
"I want you to know...that I do feel safe with you Elliot. I always have, and I want to make sure..that you feel safe with me too. Because I don't think I've asked you that, and it's important."
"Of course I do." He gives her a small, reassuring smile.
"Good. Because I need you to tell me something that's going to be hard for you, and I need you to know that I'm here, no one else. Just me." She repeats his usual words of comfort back to him: I'm here, it's just me, no one else is here, nothing's gonna hurt you, you're safe.
"You can ask me anything Liv."
"I know I can, but let me take the weight off your shoulders for a moment ok, let's carry it together. Sometimes even the rocks need something to lean on, even the heroes need to be saved." ***
***A/N: Not the end of the chapter, but I need to give credit where it is due. The line 'even the heroes need to be saved' is not originally mine. It is a quote from the Fanfiction Scarred by Definition of A Writer on the House of Anubis page of this site. I thought it fit well here but still wanted to give her credit. She is an incredible writer and whether you've heard of the show or not doesn't really matter because it's an AU story. Emotional but with a powerful message. "Scarred" deals with similar topics that Law and Order: SVU does..but more from the perspective of a victim and how she finds people that help her heal. I will paste the link at the end of this chapter for anyone who would like to check it out.
He takes a deep breath. "Ok."
"I know what I went through, both at Sealview and with Lewis still haunts you, and I want to give you the chance to tell me why it's hurting you so much to talk about it. To mention their names, because I can see pain, deep pain in your eyes any time it comes up..and I want to be there for you. I want to listen. You won't trigger me, they can't get to me when I'm with you. Ever. You can say their names. They can't beat us El." She squeezes his hands a little harder, holding them close to her heart. Both to keep herself steady and to provide him with strength.
"What was your biggest fear, Elliot? Why do you feel guilty?" Her voice is gentle, loving, comforting. He looks away for a moment and when their eyes lock again, she can see tears in his. She tries to encourage him, with her own eyes, with a comforting smile and hand squeeze like he's often done for her. Her phone dings and he jumps slightly.
"It's just Sheila, I told her she and Noah could go out to lunch. That I had something to take care of and I was fine with her bringing him home around 3. She was just thanking me. We have time baby. Talk to me, please." He takes a breath, trying to figure out how to start.
"I can only handle talking about one of the times right now I think-I just-" he sniffles. Trying to hold in the tears, and she gives his hands a reassuring squeeze.
"It's ok. You were gonna tell me something about the case that happened shortly after Sealview. It's been nearly a decade, so that's probably a good place to start" She swallows and keeps her eyes locked with his to hold her steady. "I-i don't think I'm ready to talk about Lewis either. I will, you deserve to know but-"
"It's ok Liv, it's ok. And we're doing this together remember? It's us who isn't ready. Not just you, you're not alone sweetheart. Not anymore" She nods and his eyes keep her breathing calm. His small smile keeps panic from setting in. His hands hold her steady. He gives her a few seconds, making sure she's with him and not alone in her thoughts, before continuing.
"I guess I've just..never forgiven myself"
"You tried to get me out of there El, as soon as you heard about the outbreak." He pauses for a moment.
"During the Gitano case I..you have to know I didn't mean-i was just angry at myself and I projected it on you but-" She knew what he was referring to: "I shouldn't have to look over my shoulder to make sure you're ok!" He looks away when a couple tears fall, ashamed of himself. He doesn't deserve her comfort. He wasn't there for her when she needed him. "I feel I've-like I've failed you"
"Elliot. El, baby look at me. We've both said things out of anger over the years. It doesn't mean we meant it or wanted to hurt each other. I don't hold that against you, at all. That wasn't why I didn't tell you about Sealview right when it happened. We were both hurting and chose to shut each other out instead of talking to each other. I'm the one who left. I'm the one who transferred to computer crimes and then left the state without telling you. I walked out on our partnership, not you."
"I was terrified when you were in Oregon. It was totally irrational but..you were too far away from me for me to be able to protect you. I was your partner-"
"Are my partner." She remembered the comforting words he said to her earlier and gave him a small smile, which he returned.
"I'm your partner, I'm supposed to keep you safe..and yet when you really needed me I was never there." She shakes her head and is quick to reassure him.
"That's not true. Not at all."
"Isn't it? You were hospitalized in Oregon...assaulted in Sealview"
"Things you had no control over. You didn't know I was in Oregon, and Cap put Fin and I undercover at Sealview, you tried to get me out. Harris uh...Harris wasn't even on our radar of possible suspects yet. And he didn't get the chance to go..all the way..with me. Fin got there in time" She shuddered and gripped Elliot's hands for support. "At the time I was too scared to tell anyone, including you. You're my partner, yes, but I guess I thought that telling you would have made it..more real. I wasn't ready to accept that I had let myself be in that position yet."
" you didn't put yourself there Liv, this wasn't your fault. You weren't a cop then, and even if you were..you're still human." He's tempted to reach over and hold her close, comforting her but he knows she's right, he needs to talk to her. They need to work through this together. "You asked me earlier..what my biggest fear was. Why I am so careful to mention things like this in front of you. I was terrified that something would happen to you. That you'd get killed..or you'd be hurt so badly you'd have to leave and-" She's surprised and concerned when he chokes back a sob.
"El, babe I'm ok. I'm right here, I'm ok. Look at me sweetheart..everything's ok." The look on his face broke her heart and she felt tears of her own form.
"But if you weren't, if I'd have lost you..I'd never have the chance to tell you how much you mean to me. How much I love you. You would have died alone, never knowing what it felt like to be loved. Your last memory would have been of whatever monster took your life. And your last memory of me? Would have been me screaming that I shouldn't have to worry about your safety, basically sounding like you mean nothing to me, and that was so wrong of me to say, Olivia. So wrong. I love you so much, and I did then too I just-" I want this to be the last thing you see before you die. Lewis's voice threatens to invade her mind but Elliot's death grip on her hands and the tears streaming from his piercing blue eyes prevent the flashback.
"We were both scared El, we didn't know how to react and we yelled at each other instead of listening. And I knew El. I knew I had you, that you loved me..you've done more than enough to show it over the years."
"But I couldn't save you from Lowell Harris." His voice is shaky, and he has to force himself to say the name.
"You saved me from Richard White. You saved me the first time you put a security detail on me our 3rd year as partners even though I fought you for it."
A/N: I've forgotten some of the perp names over the years, so I'm just gonna mention the cases I remember
"You've saved me from countless horrible dates over the years by scaring them away." They both laugh through their tears. "And then after those dates, you saved me from drowning in my sorrows by coming over and eating takeout with me on my couch while watching some stupidly hilarious movie. You took care of me when I had the flu, mortgaged your house to bail me out when I was framed for murder. You then saved me from Harrison who was the real perp in that case. You've been my emotional support anytime a case hit too close to home, anytime someone reminded me of my mother. I could go on for days. You're my saving grace Elliot, always have been, since day one, and I love you more than I can put into words." She takes a breath and looks him directly in the eye..his presence keeping her voice strong and steady.
"Lowell Harris..was a cruel, sadistic perp that no, you couldn't save me from. But you would have if you had the choice. I know you would have. But we learned early on in the job Elliot that we can't save everyone, no matter how hard we try. And that includes not being able to save each other every time. No matter how hard we tried. You were there when you could be. When I did eventually tell you about Sealview you were my shoulder to cry on, you stayed on my couch that night in case I had a nightmare. You were quick to comfort me when I blamed myself. You were there when it counted El. That's what matters. And you're here with me now, and I meant what I said. I slept better last night than I have in 7 years because you are here, and anytime you've been able to be with me I've felt safe. Always." He sniffles, his tears letting up, and gives her a shaky smile.
"I guess the reason that I was hesitant to bring them up-"
"It's your way of protecting me from what you weren't physically there to save me from. I know El, but you don't have to worry about that anymore. Harris is gone, he can't get to us, he can't hurt us anymore."
"He didn't get a life sentence though he's still-"
"Not from the court..but he had a heart attack about 8 months ago. Fin told me. He's dead Elliot." He breathes a sigh of relief, and the weight on his shoulders feels a little lighter. They are silent for a minute, taking comfort in each other's gaze.
"Liv?"
"Yes?" He inches closer to her, outstretching an arm.
"Can I hold you now?" She lets him embrace her and rests her head on his shoulder, wrapping an arm around his waist.
"We can hold each other."
So they did.
A/N: Took me a few days to finish writing this chapter, so it's the day after Christmas now. I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend :). I watched the Season 10 episode "PTSD" the other day and felt like adding this scene because we never saw them talk about that on the show..and they needed closure. So Noah will show up next chapter. Thanks for reading, and here is a link to the fanfiction I mentioned earlier:
s/8808586/1/Scarred