DISCLAIMER: Fanfiction, not mine.
The wind howled fiercely, rattling the windows on the small crumbling cottage. Snow fell so thick vision was all but impaired, yet the raging winter storm showed no signs of slowing as the night progressed.
Inside, a man sat silent and huddled in a large armchair, the only light coming from a dim fire.
"Wormtail..." Hissed the figure. A short pudgy man appeared at the command.
"Yes m-master." The man's rat like features illuminated as he drew near the fire.
"I have a matter of uttmosssssssst importansssssse."
The rat like man cowered and bowed low, "Anything you say master."
"Fetch me... Sssssseverussssss Ssssssnape."
"Sherbert lemon?" An elderly man, with long silver hair and a matching silver beard leaned forward, extending a box of candies in his left hand. His half moon glasses nearly falling off his nose with the movement. This man was Albus Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. He adjusted his silver trimmed, purple robes before returning the box of candies to the desk he was sitting at, the intended refusing his generosity.
"Albus really, you know I despise those... muggle candies... really..." Across the desk sat a man dressed all in black, his greasy black hair hanging limp around his shoulders. This man was Severus Snape, potions master of the vary same school.
"Oh but Severus... that's exactly my point... always sour... and never sweet."
Severus herumphed loudly.
"Oh Severus... what ever will I do with you..." sighed the old man.
"You will do nothing with me headmaster, I am perfectly capable of caring for myself."
"Well... don't mistake me... You are certainly a brilliant man and a valuable addition to our cause... but you lack..."
"I lack nothing!" Severus cut in roughly.
"...you lack a woman's touch."
"I WHAT!?" Severus was hardly in the mood for such criticism. "I assure you headmaster, I lack no such thing. I implore you to point out one such improvement a 'woman's touch' might have on me."
"Well Severus... for starters... a woman might introduce you to a wonderful product called shampoo... I use it myself, wonderful stuff really."
Severus grunted, "I have in fact heard of 'shampoo' I rather CHOOSE not to use it... it makes my hair static-y... and hard to manage." He reached up and began tugging at various bunches of hair, "... and these bits here wing out like this and..."
"And how about your robes Severus... you know a woman could show you how to appropriately add a splash of colour to your outfit... Really make you pop right out you know."
"I like black... it goes with everything...very simple." Although Severus was beginning to wonder whether Dumbledore might have a point... There was that one robe he'd had in his closet forever... only it was a very lovely shade of blue and he could never figure out just how to match it with the rest of his outfit.
"What I'm really trying to say is that Valentine's day is only a few days away..."
What you're really trying to say is you'd like to send me out on some horrible half arsed, blind date again so that I might bring a girlfriend to your annual party... he thought to himself.
But luckily for Severus Snape, his arm began to tingle, and he rolled up his sleeve to find his Dark Mark had begun to glow. Instead of protesting heatedly he calmly replied, "My apologies Headmaster, it would appear I'm being summoned... we'll continue this conversation later" However he made a mental note to avoid Dumbledore until after Valentine's Day.
The Dark Lord, he sighed with relief, would never waste his time on such a ludicrous concept as 'girlfriends'. He had far more important things to worry about.
Snape glided briskly into the Dark Lord's room, his black robes billowing around him. Hmmm... I wonder what Voldemort would say if I appeared to him in blue...
"My lord, you summoned me?" Snape knelt before the large armchair.
"Yesssssssss Sssseverussssss." The dark figure rose and turned to face Severus. "It hassssss come to my attentionssssss that the Order believessssss my one weaknessssss to be love. And, with your help, I would like to prove them all wrong!"
Severus blinked.
"You ssssseee." Continued the dark lord, "I have a confesssssssion to make, to you and you alone."
Severus blinked some more.
"I act sssssssssssoo uncaring of love becausssssssse..."
More blinking.
"I don't know how to talk to girlsssssssss... and ssssssssso I'm embarasssssssssssed."
Severus blinked so furiously he thought his eye lids might give up and move away.
"And ssssssssso, I call you... ssssssssssso that thisssssss year I may actually bring my plusssssssss one to Dumbeldore'sssssssssss Valentine'sssssssss party... and prove onssssse and for all that I, the dark lord Voldemort, have no weaknesssssssssss."
"And... I fit into this... how?" Severus forced the words out of his mouth, he rather liked his eye lids and he wanted to give them a break... his face would never be the same again if they decided to leave.
"Well Severusssssss you and I... we're the mosssssssst eligible bachelorsssssssssss of all the death eaterssssssssssss. I thought we might do thisssssss together... for ssssssssssome moral ssssssssuport. Plusssssss we can do sssssssssome man to man bonding." The dark lord smiled and elbowed Severus at the last part.
"Yes master... that sounds... lovely." Severus made another mental note, this time to remind himself that he should leave a letter of resignation on both his masters desks first thing in the morning and apparate somewhere far far away.