Pretending
Somehow, Kurt, Puck, and Finn all got up by five and, after a lot of bleary eyed stumbling around the house as they got ready, made it to school with ten minutes to spare. Burt and Carole dropped them off and gave all three of them big hugs.
"Did you bring your medication?" Burt asked Kurt quietly. Finn gave him an odd look and Kurt quietly mumbled that he had before giving his dad a final hug.
Once they drove out of sight, Kurt quickly brought his heavy check bag to the bus driver and then carried his messenger bag onto the bus with him before Finn could ask him what his dad meant.
Mr. Schue checked off their names as they lumbered onto the bus and offered them donuts from a baker's dozen he bought for the kids. Kurt took a glazed one before walking forward. He grabbed an empty spot in front of Tina and Mike and pulled Noah down next to him.
After everyone boarded, the bus started and they were on their way to the Toledo airport. Kurt enjoyed the hushed chatter as the trip went on since it brought him outside of his head. However, the talk died down after about half an hour and Kurt was almost ready to convince Rachel in starting some sort of sing-along.
Before he knew it, they had all checked their bags and were through the short security line (Kurt still muttering about it being barbaric after he had to take off his shoes, hat, coat, and belt). Mr. Schue gathered them up outside their gate to go over the trip itinerary.
"So, we'll land in New York a few hours before we can check in at the hotel. I figured we can leave our bags there and then I can let you guys explore the city a bit before we get to work." He smiled brightly at this and everyone perked up at that. "Have any of you been to New York before?" The only person who raised her hand was Quinn, much to Rachel's jealousy. "As long as you all stay in one group, you should be fine. Don't separate, okay?"
They all nodded obediently and Mr. Schue changed topics. "Have any of you flown before?" They all raised their hands this time and Mr. Schue seemed a little surprised. "Oh, that's good, then. So I don't have to explain anything about it." Kurt's hands clutched nervously at his messenger bag, twisting the strap as his teacher went on. "As you saw on your tickets, we have assigned seats by last name," Kurt's hands tightened at that, "But we can always shuffle around a bit if need be."
Kurt let out a sigh of relief and his teacher finally gave him a good look over. His outfit was, in typical Kurt fashion, over the top, but underneath the hat, he couldn't help but notice that his student looked paler than usual. "Kurt? Are you okay?"
All eyes moved to Kurt and he blushed a bit. He loved being in the spotlight, of course, but he didn't like it when he was under distress. But after a sigh he admitted, "I'd just, um, like to sit next to Noah if I could. Since he's been with me on a plane he kinda, um, already knows how to handle it."
Santana's face lit up in recognition. "Oh, yeah. I remember that from the cheerleading Nationals flights," she said, her lips starting the slightest bit of a smirk. "Coach had to give you a Valium. That was the funniest ride of my life."
Kurt rolled his eyes and admitted, "I'm not overly fond of flying, no. I blame it on the fact that my dad would always insist on driving everywhere. And cars at least aren't up in the sky working against gravity." Kurt had only been on two other plane rides in his life before he went to cheerleading Nationals, and if it wasn't for the fact that the second one was the return flight, he never would've agreed to it in the first place.
It was for a trip to help Noah's Nana move to Ohio when they were thirteen. Noah had been on a plane before and had even found Sara's old first flight pin to give Kurt for the ride. Kurt had been all smiles as he buckled in, excited to look out the window and see the little patches of land like he saw in movies. But once the plane took off, Kurt stopped smiling. Between the pressures in his ears, the sickening feeling of the plane leaving the ground, and the first bought of turbulence, Kurt was clutching onto Noah's hand for dear life.
Finding out that you had a fear of heights on your first airplane ride wasn't ideal.
"…Okay," Mr. Schue said warily. "So, do you have something to help or…?"
"I got it covered, Mr. Schuester, don't worry."
Kurt had gone to a doctor once he was back at McKinley to get a Xanax prescription for the plane ride and the bottle was right at the top of his bag at the moment. Hey, at least that was like his only big thing. Spiders were freaky, but he could kill them, and he wasn't scared of snakes or anything. He could handle having a fear of flying. After all, he could take Xanax or Valium or even Ambien for all his future plane rides when he was rich and famous, including that honeymoon flight to Hawaii he had already planned in his head. He wasn't too worried.
"Got it," Mr. Schue said. He looked over the itinerary and suggested, "You and Finn are together; how about you trade spots with Brittany? Is that okay?" Kurt nodded and Brittany smiled.
"Don't be scared, Kurtie. We're gonna be fine," she said after a moment, giving his hands a soft squeeze. Her eyes widened. "Your hands are still so soft—"
"Anyone else want to trade before we get on there?" Mr. Schue asked, distracting Brittany enough that Kurt could pull his hands away.
Santana and Sam traded so he wouldn't have to be next to his ex, Quinn, and so he could also be by Mercedes. Then Rachel swapped with Lauren so she could be by Mr. Schuester, the final person the list, and talk to him about strategies. He seemed wary of that change, but he accepted it. Plus it meant if Artie needed help getting into his seat, Lauren could handle it.
The entirety of New Directions started to file onto the plane soon enough. Lauren and Artie went on for pre-boarding, Artie calling out, "See you losers later, yo!" Then they boarded with the rest of the passengers, Kurt holding onto Brittany's ticket with one hand and Noah's hand with the other, his grip deadly tight.
As soon as they sat down, Kurt shakily brought the Xanax to his mouth, already cut in half as per the doctor's orders for the short flight, and swallowed it dry. Puck moved to the window and, making sure no flight attendant was around to reprimand him, closed it. Why was it supposed to be open anyways? That was such a stupid rule.
Noah raised the armrest between them and put an arm around Kurt, drawing him as close as he could with their seatbelts on. "It's going to be a short flight, babe," he said soothingly, "Don't worry about it." Kurt nodded as Noah shushed him, closing his eyes as the Xanax started to kick in.
Of course he still tensed up at the take off, burying his head in Noah's chest and wincing at the discomfort in his ears, but once the plane leveled off, he actually felt, well, peaceful. The combination of Noah's calm voice and warm hold along with the medication and lack of sleep made him very tired.
"Thank you," Kurt said sleepily. As he started to drift off, he thought that he'd have to bring Noah on his future plane rides as well. Hopefully his husband wouldn't mind him joining them on their honeymoon.
—
After eating their lunch in New York City, New Directions made their way back to the hotel and eagerly explored the lobby while Mr. Schuester checked in. Kurt was looking over the expensive marble interior and large windows with Mercedes when Puck and Lauren made eye contact.
They hadn't spoken to each other since the party, which kind of sucked. Even if they weren't together, which Puck now realized was a good thing because of the whole being in love with his best friend thing, he still wanted to be her friend. They were good as friends. He was about to tell her so when she asked, "Wanna see if they'll serve us at the bar?"
Puck immediately grinned and said, "Hell yeah." After straightening his jacket, he made his way over to the bar with Lauren, the bartender already eyeing them doubtfully.
After getting way too many keys for three rooms (his room, the boys' room, and the girls' room) he grabbed Kurt. "Are you feeling okay?" Mr. Schue asked as Mercedes joined Tina on one of the plush couches.
"Of course!" Kurt said brightly. "I'm just so happy to be here, plane ride or not. And my medication has already worn off, so we're fine."
"Good, good…" Mr. Schue trailed off and Kurt waited for him to say whatever else was on his mind. Finally, he said, "Listen, the person at the front desk said most of the choirs…they um…" Kurt raised an eyebrow. "They tend to have the, uh, rooms separated by…sexuality…" Kurt kept staring at Mr. Schue and waited for him to finish the thought, even though he knew what his teacher was trying to say. "So…I was wondering if you'd rather stay with the girls."
Kurt blinked and said, "Funny that I get to be part of the girls' group now." Mr. Schue looked a bit sheepish and Kurt sighed. "While I have had sleepovers with almost every girl in glee, I think I'll stick with the boys." At his teacher's surprised look, Kurt gave him a look that managed to say he was an idiot without being too rude. "I've had a sleepover with Noah averaging to once a week since we were three. It's going to be easier for me to fall asleep that way." Kurt grinned and added, "Plus I'll have more room for my beauty products in their room. But I'll let you know if I change my mind; being in the same room as Finn as he snores might be too much."
Then, looking off to the direction of the bar, Kurt added, "You might want to grab Noah and Lauren; I think the two of them might be trying to get some alcohol and we don't need Noah back in Juvie." Mr. Schue groaned and marched over to the bar to start collecting his students.
—
Kurt couldn't stop smiling as they snuck out of the hotel, Noah by his side the entire way. "Nice performance back there," Kurt laughed, thinking back to the guitar part Noah provided for Brittany's original and rather creative song.
Noah groaned and shook his head. "Artie just gave me chords and a tempo! How was I supposed to know she was singing about an actual cup?"
Kurt laughed again but he had to ask, "Do you think they're getting back together?" Noah looked at him and he clarified, "Artie and Brittany, I mean. I know it wasn't a romantic song or anything, but I don't know…"
Noah's eyes darted over to where Santana and Brittany were laughing together. He couldn't help but smile at that before he turned back to Kurt. "Nah. I think they're done for good. They're just friends."
Kurt was too distracted by the city around him to question why Noah seemed so confident about that, which was probably for the better, because it just got Noah thinking about Brittany and Santana. He knew Santana had to be full on gay (if she was dating a guy who obviously wasn't going to have sex with her, she couldn't just be bi, right?) and she was definitely in love with Brittany. He could never really read Brittany, but he could see a lot of echoes in their relationship from his own with Kurt.
Of course, Brittany and Kurt weren't really alike past being wide-eyed and innocent at times, at least not on the surface. But both of them had befriended angry, outspoken assholes that only they saw the softer side of. Both of them managed to calm said assholes down when need be. And Noah knew from personal experience with both of them that they were honestly the scarier of the two to deal with when crossed (when they were in third grade, Noah pushed Santana out of the way to get to the swings and Brittany almost made him cry in response). Honestly, Noah wouldn't be surprised if Kurt turned out to be as kinky as Brittany was, too, since he knew who exactly pushed the limits between her and Santana.
And while he thought that over, he wondered if Santana had told Brittany. They had seemed tense for a while, so maybe she had told Britt about her true feelings. But now they were laughing and running around the city and looked happy together. Their friendship definitely repaired itself and they weren't even on his and Kurt's level, in his own very biased opinion.
Did that mean he could tell Kurt? Would they be okay? Hadn't he learned just last year that he couldn't hide his feelings from Kurt if he wanted their relationship to work?
That thought kind of made his head spin. Noah had been worried so much about whether Kurt liked him back that he never thought about how they had promised to be honest about their feelings.
Oh god. He needed to tell Kurt, didn't he? Especially if he wanted to get back to feeling as free as Santana and Brittany did. His stomach burned at the thought, his head swimming until Kurt pulled his hand.
"You okay?" he asked softly.
Noah smiled and gave his hand a small squeeze. "I'm fine." And with that, Noah pushed himself into exploring the city with his favorite group of people (though he'd never admit it to the rest of the glee club).
When they started to head back to the hotel, though, Noah noticed Kurt texting someone and smiling a bit. "What's up?" he asked.
"Oh, nothing," Kurt said. "Just planning a little coffee date with Blaine."
"What?!" Puck asked, his voice a bit higher than he had expected.
Kurt gave his best friend a look. "What? We said we wanted to be friends. He asked for some pictures of New York, and I sent some. We chatted a bit and we decided to meet up for coffee when I get back. He wants to live here someday, too, you know."
"Oh…cool," Noah said. That jealousy he hadn't felt since they broke up filled in his chest. He really wasn't sure if Blaine was truly just interested in being friends with Kurt. What sane person wouldn't want more from him?
And just like that, a really good day started to turn sour.
—
When Kurt stepped in to take a shower their first night in New York, Mike, Sam, and Artie expected to have to wait patiently for access to the bathroom again. Much to their surprise, Kurt wasn't even in there for five minutes before the shower stopped, then a few minutes later he popped back out in his pajamas.
"Huh," Mike said. "I kinda thought you'd be using all the hot water you could."
Kurt opened his mouth to reply but Noah beat him to it. "Hot water dries you out so it's best to avoid it if you have dry skin," Noah said robotically, having heard that statement all his life.
Finn followed with the rest of Kurt's comment in a similar voice, "And it's also best to take shorter showers, too, if you have dry skin. You just need to wash and leave."
"Wash and leave," Noah repeated, still staring at the ceiling above the couch he was laying on.
Kurt pursed his lips as the other boys laughed good-naturedly. Then he broke into a grin and said, "I choose to see this is a compliment, so thank you for memorizing my words of wisdom." With a push back of his wet bangs, he went over to the mirror in the room where he sat up his moisturizers. "My skin is also dried out from the plane, hence the earlier than usual moisturizing routine," he explained, though he knew none of the guys particularly cared.
He was halfway through when Finn asked, "Can I try something out on you guys?" No one said anything in response, so he continued, "I was thinking Rachel and I could sing a duet."
Mike shrugged, "I just wanna win. We all know you two doing a duet is our best shot at that." Kurt was pretty sure that, as Quinn had pointed out in a recent glee club meeting, that when they sang a duet, they lost. But he remained silent as he focused on lightly applying his eye cream.
"Okay, can we talk about the Jewish elephant in the room?" Noah asked. "Ask her out, dude."
"Who, Rachel?" Finn said. He shook his head, "But she's totally into Jesse right now."
"You're in New York: the City of Love," Noah said.
"That's Paris," Kurt said under his breath, right as Sam said, "I thought that was Paris…"
"Anything's possible here," Noah continued. "You need to ask her out. Tonight. Take her on one of those big dates in those movies Kurt makes us watch." He seemed really determined to get this point across for some reason or another.
"This is your shot, dude. If I was in love with a girl and I wasn't homeless, I'd totally go for it," Sam admitted after a moment.
They all were silent for a moment before Finn looked at his brother. "What do you think, Kurt?"
Kurt looked over in shock, his eyebrows furrowed together. He honestly thought this was all "guy talk" and naturally assumed he wasn't invited. He probably shouldn't have assumed that, though. Especially if he wanted people to remember that, yes, he got along best with the girls but he was, in fact, a guy.
"You know Rachel better than everyone else," Finn pointed out. "What do you think? Do you think she's still into Jesse?"
Kurt's face relaxed and he looked back into the mirror. "I'm pretty sure Rachel likes the idea of any guy who chases her. It doesn't matter if it's you or Jesse." He opened up another bottle of moisturizer and continued, "Rachel likes attention. She also likes you, yes. Jesse is a way for her to get attention and also get your attention. But between you and Jesse, she'll always choose you."
Sam, Mike, and Artie nodded; that sounded fairly accurate. "So, should I go after her?" Finn asked.
"Come on, Kurt, tell him to do it so he'll shut up and stop waiting for something to happen," Puck said. He was confident Kurt would tell him to go for it. Kurt was always a sucker about going after love.
Kurt, however, raised an eyebrow. "No," he said. He looked over at Finn, "I don't think you should. I think that it's ridiculous to distract her before a really big competition. You'll have all the time to do whatever you want in Lima. Why hurt our chances now?"
"So he can take her out in her favorite place on earth. Isn't that the dream date?" Noah asked.
Kurt looked over at Noah, kind of confused at how attached he was to this idea. "I don't think Finn should mess with her mind so close to the competition. Rachel wouldn't want that, either. This is a big deal for her, not just us."
"But waiting isn't going to help with anything."
"But waiting isn't going to ruin anything, either," Kurt said, his eyes only narrowing because Noah's were.
"If there's history, why should you wait? You should tell someone how you feel right away," Noah said, trying to be calm.
"Um, guys—" Finn tried to intervene.
"Why ruin what could be a really important friendship? They've finally been getting close, and now that some guy's back on the scene, Finn needs to make some move? That's ridiculous!" Kurt looked back at Finn, "Do what you want, but I don't think we need to be asking anyone out or confessing feelings just because we're in New York. We have bigger things to focus on right now. Plus, Mr. Schue doesn't want us to wander around, remember? You shouldn't risk getting eliminated."
Noah looked like he wanted to respond, but Finn just said, "You're right." He looked thoughtful for a few moments before standing up, "But I love her. I don't wanna wait."
Kurt rolled his eyes and turned back to the mirror to (angrily) put on more lotion and the rest of the guys helped Finn plan something for Rachel.
By the time they went to bed that night, Kurt and Noah had let go of any anger they had from their earlier disagreement. But while Kurt fell asleep relatively quickly, Noah stayed up for a while after. He couldn't shake off what Kurt had said and how it applied to them. Maybe he really needed to keep how he felt for Kurt inside.
—
The next day, Kurt had to pinch himself repeatedly. He had to be dreaming. First of all, he managed to sneak a way into the girls' room (well, okay, they gave him a key because he asked for one, but he still managed not to wake anyone up in the process) and get a hold of Rachel for breakfast at Tiffany's. Kurt could recognize that the movie had a lot of hardcore racism and was overrated, but he needed to eat breakfast there like the film lover he was. Kurt had considered asking Noah, but he knew it wasn't really his scene and Rachel would appreciate it more. Plus Noah seemed a bit offended for whatever reason over what had happened yesterday and Kurt didn't want to press the issue further.
After breakfast, he used his sneaking skills once again—Rachel accused him of possibly spending too much time with Noah, which just made him roll his eyes—to get them into the Wicked theater. And by some magic stroke of luck, a guard let them stay there. And while there was no orchestra or audience, singing the climactic Act Two duet with Rachel on the Gershwin stage was the best performing experience of his life; Nationals was never going to compare.
Kurt was walking on air as he and Rachel headed back to the hotel. He was sure as he scanned his hotel room key that nothing would bring him down at all.
Of course, he was wrong about that.
"Where have you been?"
Kurt rolled his eyes at Noah's tone. "Rachel and I had our own Breakfast at Tiffany's moment. With bagels." He couldn't stop himself from grinning again at the memory. "Then we managed to get in the Gershwin Theatre—it's where Wicked is—and we got to sing on that stage!" Kurt brought his hands to his cheek. "It was magical; I can't believe it."
Noah shook his head. "Look, I'm glad you're happy, Kurt, but if you keep sneaking off, someone's going to tell Schue and you're going to get banned from competing."
Kurt's eyes narrowed, "You just told Finn last night to try to woo Rachel and encouraged him to take her out on a date; why can't I have one of my dream moments in the city?"
"Mr. Schue was out somewhere last night and we were in our rooms. Now everyone is supposed to be working on songs in the same room. Rachel and Finn disappearing last night is nothing; you and Rachel disappearing when we're all in one group is a lot more suspicious," Puck pointed out. "Plus Quinn noticed."
Kurt paled a bit at that, but then straightened up as he looked for a more casual outfit to wear for the rest of the day. "So? She wouldn't tell. She doesn't want us kicked out."
"I wouldn't put it past her."
Instead of responding, Kurt just shook his head and pulled out another outfit. "Fine, I'm sorry. It won't happen again, okay? I'll just wait until I live here to have any fun," Kurt said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
Noah wanted to make him understand what was going to happen, but he realized he was too angry for this. The idea of Kurt thinking pushing romance for Rachel and Finn was too much just made him feel like maybe he'd think the same about him. It made him angry. It made him upset and hurt and frustrated, which all boiled down to him wanting to yell at Kurt.
All of that stopped, though, as Kurt started to take off his suit from earlier. Puck just stared as Kurt casually started to change his outfit. They had been friends for years, but Kurt had changed in front of him maybe three times, maybe less, especially since puberty hit. Noah couldn't help but watch the muscles in Kurt's arm flex, the slight contours on his abs, the smoothness of his skin…
"Noah?" Kurt asked. "You okay?"
Noah snapped out of it and nodded. "Um, yeah. Yeah. I'm fine, sorry. Just was thinking of a song idea." Kurt put on an undershirt and Noah decided it was best to leave before Kurt started to change pants.
—
After Mr. Schue confirmed he was going to stay their teacher, despite his big Broadway chance, he did his best to focus the kids on writing the final song and putting it together. All the Glee clubbers were spread around Mr. Schue's large hotel room trying to figure out what to write. Well, some of them were trying to write at least; Kurt and Rachel were far too interested in talking about their break-in at Gershwin to work on an actual song, while Quinn was showing off her new haircut she got downtown. Mr. Schue either didn't hear the stories or didn't want to ban them from competing which made sense; if they were kicked out, they wouldn't have enough members to compete, so it would basically be a shot in the foot.
Noah did his best to ignore it for a while, but eventually he got up and went back to the boys' room. Once he was there, he pulled out his guitar and strummed some chords that were in his head, staring at the wall in front of him as he tried to lose himself to the music.
Eventually the door opened and Finn came in. "Oh. Sorry. I couldn't really concentrate in there; Rachel keeps talking about Wicked and all of that and…" Finn trailed off there. Seeing Rachel so happy was awesome, but seeing her so happy without him kinda sucked.
"Yeah," Puck said, not really sure what else to say.
"I just don't get it," Finn said, too frustrated to not talk about it anymore. He kind of wished he had a glass of warm milk since that always made it easier for him to talk, but something told him that Puck would get what he meant. "She just ran out on me, you know? And why? It just feels like we're pretending there's nothing there when we both know that's not true. And why? Wouldn't it just be better to put things out in the open?"
Noah looked over at his friend and then shook his head. "Yeah. I get that." He sighed and looked back over at the TV, not wanting to look at Finn as he bore his soul out. "Like, I get that it's hard to say this stuff out loud and I hate talking about this stuff. But I know I need to do it, and soon. I know he doesn't like being pushed, but if I just keep it all a secret, how am I supposed to know if he feels the same?"
His eyes widened as he realized what he said. He. Noah looked over at Finn, hoping to see his face blank, but Finn was smirking a bit at him.
"So you haven't told Kurt yet," Finn said. It was a simple sentence, really, and he wasn't even giving him any crap for it. Noah relaxed a bit at that, but started to play those chords again.
For a while, the two said nothing and just listened to Puck's guitar strums. Finally, after what seemed like way too long, Noah finally answered, "No. I haven't."
Finn nodded. He knew he couldn't force his friend to say anything, even if he thought Kurt felt the same way. He sighed and looked at his notebook. Then Finn looked back at Puck's guitar, then back to his notes, and then he smiled.
"How would you like me to help you tell him?" Puck looked at Finn curiously and Finn just smiled; he had the perfect plan to help the both of them.
—
So far, all of New York had been like a dream for Kurt. He got to run around Time Square and Central Park; he had breakfast at Tiffany's; he sang on the set of Wicked; and, finally, he had a solo in a public performance for people all over the country! Okay, well, technically Kurt was singing back up, but it was only him and Noah, so it was like having a duet. So that was something! He couldn't contain his excitement when Finn gave him that part to his song, not even noticing the sneaky smile on his brother's face.
It helped that the song was actually rather touching. Kurt assumed Finn wrote it about Rachel, since it seemed rather fitting now that Rachel seemed to be resisting her want to date Finn. He hoped the song would help them out and, even more so, he hoped it could help them secure the Nationals trophy. He had a feeling something significant was coming, but he really didn't know what it was.
As Rachel and Finn talked backstage, Kurt began to pace a bit to let out his nerves. He knew it was kind of dumb since it wasn't a big solo, but he was just so nervous and excited all at once. It wasn't until Noah came over that he stopped moving.
"Hey," Kurt said. "Are you ready?"
Noah hesitated for a moment, as if truly thinking it over. Finally he nodded and said, "Yeah. Yeah, I am." Kurt smiled up brightly at his friend before giving him a big tight hug. Then they heard a hush fall over the crowd and quickly parted to their separate sides of the stage, Kurt on Finn's side and Noah on Rachel's.
"And now, the champions of Lima, Ohio – the New Directions will be starting with an original song written by their own members, Finn Hudson and Noah Puckerman!"
Kurt's eyebrows pressed together at the announcement. Noah? Why hadn't Noah said he helped write the song?
"Face to face and heart to heart, we're so close yet so far apart," Finn and Rachel sang as they started to slowly cross to each other on stage. "I close my eyes, I look away. That's just because I'm not okay. But I hold on, I stay strong, wondering if we still belong…"
As they started the chorus, Kurt and Noah walked out like they practiced, the words of the chorus truly hitting Kurt this time as Finn and Rachel sang. "Will we ever say the words we're feeling, reach down underneath and tear down all the walls? Will we ever have our happy ending, or will we forever only be pretending?" Kurt and Noah hit their spots in the center of the stage as Finn and Rachel finished the chorus, "Will we ah-ah-ah-always, ah-ah-ah-always, ah-ah-ah-always be…pretending?"
Kurt kept his gaze out steady to the audience as he opened his mouth to sing back up for Finn and Rachel, his voice combining with Noah's to sing simple ah's under the beginning of the second verse. "How long do I fantasize? Make believe that it's still alive?"
"Imagine that I am good enough," Noah sang with Finn and Rachel. Noah dropped out and Kurt joined in to sing, "And we can choose the ones we love."
"But I hold on," Finn and Noah sang together as all four of them lifted their offstage hands in the air. Rachel and Kurt joined them on a higher harmony to sing, "I stay strong," as they pulled their hands down in fists. Their hands dropped by their sides as all four sang, "Wondering if we still belong…"
As the second chorus started, Kurt and Noah started on the simple choreography Mike had helped them come up with, mostly arm movements that wouldn't detract from their soloists.
They soon moved onto the bridge, with Kurt and Noah singing small ohs in perfect harmony under Finn and Rachel. "Keeping secrets safe every move we make seems like no one's letting go…"
"No one's letting go," Kurt and Noah echoed underneath them.
"And it's such a shame," Finn and Rachel continued, and Noah and Kurt joined in to sing, "'Cause if you feel the same." Noah and Kurt stopped circling each other, with Kurt on Finn's side and Noah on Rachel's. "How am I supposed to know?" They all sang together in a four-part harmony that had given Kurt chills when they learned it.
Now, however, it was giving him chills in a different way. Noah was looking at him significantly as they traded sides again as the rest of ND marched in while singing the chorus. They backed away from each other, like practiced, then walked back towards each other.
Just as Finn and Rachel sang their last repetition of pretending, all of New Directions turned to face the back and Noah grabbed Kurt's hand and squeezed it. In rehearsal, Mike said it was a symbol of the couple in the song stopping the game of pretend. Kurt thought it was beautiful. He still did.
As Kurt looked over at Noah, he just felt like a lump was caught in his throat. Noah had a look in his eyes Kurt had never noticed before, and if the music for "Light Up the World" hadn't started a few moments later, Kurt wasn't sure he would've found a way to move away from Noah's look.
—
Kurt didn't know what to think. Part of him thought he was possibly over-reading the scenario, or at least he hoped he was. After all, Noah played guitar and actually understood chord progressions; maybe he just took over that part for Finn and the lyrics meant nothing to him. On the other hand, he was sure those looks meant something.
The more he thought about it, the more Kurt was sure that Noah was singing to him. He thought they were pretending. He wanted a happy ending with him.
Noah was in love with him.
But how did he feel in return? That…that was the question Kurt couldn't answer. Of course he loved Noah, there was no doubt about it and never had been, not since they were little. But was it the same kind of love Noah felt for him?
Was he like the song, keeping secrets safe? Calculating his moves? Well, yes, he definitely had been doing that after the whole kiss incident, but that was to make sure his friends didn't read too far into things, not to cover his own feelings…right? That kiss had been amazing, but that didn't mean anything, did it?
It was too much to take in. Suddenly the bright lights and sounds of the city seemed too loud, too bright, too festive, and that coupled with the fact they didn't make the top ten made him just want to stop thinking.
More than anything, Kurt needed time. He needed time away from the questions in his mind and the burning feeling in his stomach. And that meant he needed time away from Noah, or else he'd never make it.
And he found a way to do that after the guys had to hold back a screaming Santana from attacking Rachel for the kiss she and Finn shared.
Kurt quietly approached his teacher. "Mr. Schue? If I may?" He nodded and Kurt suggested, "I was thinking I could sleep in the girls' room tonight. That way I can keep an eye out on Santana and Rachel. You know, make sure she doesn't try to kill her. I think every extra hand on deck will help."
Mr. Schue nodded, "You know, I think you're right. Thanks for the idea."
Kurt smiled weakly before quickly gathering his stuff from the boys' room and moving into the girls'. He told the girls he wasn't able to handle Finn's snores anymore, which at least made Santana snort a bit, and left it at that.
When he stretched out on the floor, Santana on one side of the room and Rachel on another, he stared at the ceiling for hours. He never knew if he ever truly slipped into sleep or if he just stayed in the area between sleep and dream, his head still full of too many thoughts.
—
Going to the airport the next day was a rather sullen affair. They had gotten the tickets for that Thursday just in case, but the hope was that they were going to stay. Thursday was a day of rest and/or preparation for the finals that took place on Friday. They saw a few other choirs at the airport, but that didn't help their glum feeling. Neither did Mr. Schue reminding them that they still placed twelfth.
Kurt stayed close to the girls and avoided his best friend at all costs. When Mr. Schue asked him if he wanted to trade seats again, Kurt said it was fine and he could ride next to Finn since his medicine had knocked him out pretty easy.
It proved to be a lot harder to relax without Noah there, which just stressed Kurt out more. Though he knew it was wrong and he knew it was stupid, he just need some sleep. So when Finn wasn't looking, Kurt quickly swallowed the other half of his Xanax and slept for the rest of the flight and for most of the bus ride back to McKinley.
—
As much as it hurt Noah to admit, it was obvious that Kurt wanted some time away. Noah assumed Kurt needed to think since of course Kurt worked out what that song meant; that was the whole point of it for him and Finn, after all. It still stung to see Kurt avoid him and he worried about Kurt's fear of flying the whole flight, but he gave his friend some space.
He sat next to Brittany on the plane ride, casting glances at her every now and then. His thoughts kept drifting to how Brittany and Santana had made up. How did they do it? Was their rough patch this bad? Did Santana feel like she was dying inside? Did Brittany return those feelings?
Finally, it was too much for Noah to keep quiet on.
Everyone spread out on the bus ride back, most people sitting by themselves. Noah found a seat near Santana. She was still pretty furious, but she at least wasn't glaring daggers into Rachel's back the whole time.
"Hey," Noah said softly. Santana looked over at him expectedly. "Do you wanna hang out a bit after this?"
"Look, if you're looking for angry sex—"
"I'm not," he said immediately. "I just wanna hang." She looked doubtful and he sighed, "I'll buy you a drink at the Lima Bean."
Santana looked at him questioningly, obviously not sure what he wanted. Finally she gave him a short nod. "Fine. But it better be a big drink."
—
Santana had driven her car to school originally, so they were able to get out of there fast while most people waited for a ride home. Noah couldn't help but notice an extremely tired looking Kurt in the group, but he tried not to look at him for too long.
"So, why this sudden urge to hang? I thought you were just into me for my body," Santana said.
"It's a good body," Noah said after a moment, a small smirk on his face. He paused and said in a more serious voice, "I've always thought we were friends, though. I just wanted to ask you some things." When Santana didn't respond, Noah asked, "How did you tell Brittany you loved her?"
Santana's hands jerked on the steering wheel, causing them to drift into the other lane for a moment. She got it back under control soon enough, but she shot Noah a glare. "Who told you?"
"No one," Puck answered. "I sort of put it together myself. Artie said Brittany cheated on him with you, which probably started when you were dating Sam, so you probably never had sex." Santana said nothing as she stared at the road ahead, her jaw tight. "And I know Karaofsky is gay, so you weren't having sex with him, either. So I figured you loved Brittany. And…I don't know. You guys seemed tense for a while there, so I figured you told her and some drama went down."
They were both silent for a while as Santana stopped at a red light. She drummed her fingers on the steering wheel and didn't say anything until the light turned green. "Well. Who knew we had a freaking Sherlock Holmes among us."
"You know I'm not going to tell anyone."
Santana shot him another look before pulling into the Lima Bean parking lot. "So why are you bringing this up?"
Noah looked down at his lap and sighed. "I wanted your advice since I'm having the same problem with Kurt." He looked back up at her and was surprised to see her face soften ever so slightly.
After a small pause, Santana said, "We're not discussing this in public, it's too personal." Still she pulled out her keys from the ignition and gave Puck a look, "You're still buying me a latté; you can't deny me that."
Once they had the caffeine in their hands, they went to Santana's place. Both of her parents were out, so they grabbed some snacks and headed to Santana's room.
Santana, with a rather serious look on her face, looked Noah up and down. "Look," she said, "I haven't really talked to anyone about this. So…you know, I'm gonna try to help, but this is hard for me. Got it?"
Puck smiled, kind of amazed at how she was even attempting to be vulnerable. "Got it," he said before promptly stuffing some chips into his mouth. Santana wrinkled her nose but didn't say anything about it.
"So. What do you wanna know?"
Puck took his time chewing and swallowing. "How did you tell Brittany? And what happened after?" Santana looked unwilling to reveal those details and Noah sighed. "San, I'm not going to tell anyone. I didn't tell anyone what I figured out, either, not even Kurt…"
Santana noticed the pain in his face at the mention of his best friend. It was a face that mirrored her own only a couple of months ago, back when she was trying to figure out her feelings and finally tell the truth. She couldn't just leave him like that.
After a few more moments of silence, Santana took a deep breath. "When we did that song with Miss Holliday, I realized what I felt for Brittany," Santana said softly. Puck looked up from his lap and watched her, while Santana avoided eye contact. "I guess I always thought what I felt for her was normal friendship stuff. The jealousy, wanting her with me all the time, the pinky holding…and I was scared." She let out a small air of laughter. "Terrified. But Brittany wanted the truth from me, so I approached her and told her that…that I'm in love with her."
The room was completely silent as Santana took a drink. Obviously what she wanted to say next was even more painful to admit. "She said she loved me, too," Santana said, smiling a bit. Her smile disappeared as she added, "But she wanted to be with Artie. She couldn't just leave him."
Santana snorted and shook her head. "I did what I could to ignore what I felt. I thought if I got Prom Queen, she'd obey my command. I knew Karofsky wouldn't bother touching me, so we'd make good prom candidates, plus it got Kurt back and made me look like a hero." She finally looked over at Noah and admitted, "And maybe I also missed the guy myself; you weren't the only one who wanted him back." Noah smiled at her and she briefly smiled back.
"After Brittany and Artie broke up, Brittany said she wanted to go to prom with me," Santana admitted. "But…I wasn't ready. I couldn't admit that I'm…" She trailed off and just went onto her next point. "But we're friends still. And I think we always will be. Even if we never get together, she's still my best friend, and I don't think anything can change that."
Noah nodded as Santana took another sip of coffee. He really didn't know what to say, so he wounded up saying, "That's awesome." Santana snorted at the weird reply and Noah let out a laugh as well. "Yeah, that wasn't the best description, but you know what I mean."
"I do," Santana said, letting out a small sigh. She locked eyes with Noah and asked, "So I'm guessing that song was how you feel about Kurt?"
"Yeah," Puck said. "He didn't take it quite as well as Brittany took yours."
"Well, Brittany was the one who made us go to Miss Holliday and try to figure it out," Santana shrugged. "Maybe giving him the push will help."
Noah sighed. "Knowing him, he's probably over-thinking and analyzing it. He's probably trying to convince himself he misinterpreted it…but he's normally not wrong about these things." Kurt always seemed to know what Noah was thinking and feeling, even if he never said it out loud. He was creepy that way.
"Then maybe you should make it clear to him."
"I don't know," Noah said. He looked back down at his lap. "I don't want to lose our friendship again."
"Dude, did you seriously not listen to me?" Santana asked with raised eyebrows. He looked up at her and she continued, "Brittany and I made it through this; you guys can make it through, too." She shook her head, "Brittany and I are strong and always have been, but we still haven't been through half the shit you and Kurt have gone through. Even if you guys were weird for a while, like you were after prom, you're gonna make it out alive. Kurt would probably put it as a page in your friendship scrapbook or whatever the hell you guys do."
Puck slowly smiled. "He does have one of those."
"Not surprised," Santana said before having another sip of coffee. She ran a hand through her hair and then looked at Puck seriously again. "I'm gonna attempt to be nice here, okay?" Puck nodded and Santana gave him a sympathetic look. "I care about you, Noah. I don't want you getting hurt. It's possible that making it clear to Kurt will end up hurting you…but hiding how you feel is really gonna hurt more." Before Noah could say anything, Santana continued, "Come on, Puckerman. You're not the type to hide out on the sidelines and think this shit through. I know this is important so you wanna make sure it's right, and I know Kurt's the type of guy who makes you think, but you gotta get out of your head."
She raised an eyebrow expectedly at him. Without even thinking it through anymore, Noah asked, "You wanna help me find a song?"
Santana grinned. "I actually think I know the perfect one." At Noah's look, she stood up, "You remember when Kurt made you guys do 'Single Ladies' for football?"
"Yeah." Noah stood up as well, watching her curiously.
"Everyone remembers that," Santana said as she walked over to her desk. "That's going to be a big part of how he's remembered at school. Hell, it's gonna be a big part of how our team's going to be remembered, even with Bieste actually making us good." She started going through her CDs there and Noah watched her, not sure what she was trying to say.
Finally, she pulled out a CD and said, "If you want to get Kurt's attention, if you want this to be a big deal, you have to beat those defining moments. Beyoncé, Dirty Dancing, all of that."
She turned to face Noah, smirking as he looked at the CD case she was holding, "And there's only one song that has ever beaten 'Single Ladies'."
—
When Kurt got to the Lima Bean after the flight home, he ordered a much stronger and bigger drink than his usual grande nonfat mocha. Blaine noticed this right away. "Wow, is the jet lag really that bad?"
"Oh, no," Kurt said. "I took a Xanax for the flight because of my anxiety and I'm still kind of wiped out." He took a long sip before quietly admitting, "I took more than I should've."
"Were you that depressed about not winning?" Blaine asked in concern.
Kurt looked up at Blaine. Blaine looked extremely willing to talk about whatever was on Kurt's mind, and they were trying to be friends…
That would be ridiculous, though. Kurt and Blaine were friends, yes, or were trying to be. But Blaine was…Blaine. His ex. The guy who got jealous over Noah just holding Kurt's hand. How was Kurt supposed to say that what he had suspected was true and that his jealousy was rational to some degree?
Plus, come on, he was probably overreacting. Noah hadn't even said anything to him since the song. He probably just helped write the chords like Kurt had initially thought.
Right?
Kurt put on a smile and simply said, "It wasn't that, no. I just was up most of the night trying to make sure Santana didn't kill Rachel. I wanted an excuse to just pass out on the flight." Blaine laughed and prompted Kurt to tell him more about Santana's reaction.
At least it was a way to keep him distracted.
—
By the time they finished looking up chords online and going over the song until Noah was completely memorized, Santana's parents were home and inviting Noah to join them for dinner. He didn't want to intrude, but they insisted, and after Santana reminded him that her parents definitely didn't know, she also seemed happy to have him over.
Eventually, though, Santana had to take Noah home. Santana started the familiar drive and Noah said, "Thank you for everything. Seriously. I know it wasn't easy to talk about that stuff."
"Yeah…well, you're welcome," Santana said. After a beat, she added, "Thanks for listening."
"You're welcome."
The two drove in a rather content silence for a few minutes. Then Noah asked, "So, do you think you're, like, fully gay or…?"
Santana rolled her eyes. "I don't think that's what you're supposed to call it," she said sarcastically, "But, yeah. I'm…I'm a lesbian." She put on her turn signal and turned into Noah's neighborhood. "What about you?"
He shrugged in response. "I realized I might like guys sometime last year. I just kinda stopped thinking about it. Maybe it's mainly a Kurt thing or something, but, c'mon, you know boobs are amazing."
Santana scoffed and rolled her eyes, refusing to give Noah a response to that.
Once they pulled up to Noah's house, he undid his seatbelt. "Can I ask one more question?" Santana turned to look at him and he took a deep breath, looking at her seriously. "So, if you're gay…did you not enjoy sex with me?"
Santana couldn't hold back a loud laugh at that, and Noah laughed as well. While he was curious, he also definitely said it in part to lighten the mood. "C'mon, Lopez; I had to at least be one of the better guys you did it with, right? We all know Hudson can't keep it up for long." That, of course, made both of them laugh even more.
When they finally calmed down, Santana, still smiling, slowly said, "Of all the guys I was with…" She rolled her eyes and finished, "You were probably the best, yes." Before Noah could get too cocky and dude-bro about it, Santana added, "It helped that you let me peg you multiple times." She laughed again and Noah rolled his eyes, but soon laughed himself. It was just ridiculous to think of those moments now, what with how their own love lives had turned out.
"See you, Lopez," Noah said as he grabbed his stuff and got out of the car. "And thanks again."
"You, too, Puckerman," she said. She looked thoughtful and said, "We should do this again sometime." With a final wave, she backed out of his driveway and headed back to her house. Noah watched her leave as a small breeze started to waft through the trees.
Surprisingly enough, he actually really hoped they did hang out again soon.
—
The next day at school, the New Directions were called in for one final meeting. Mr. Schue wanted to have a little celebration to celebrate coming in twelfth (which was, admittedly, really good) and to celebrate another year of Glee club.
As they all came in, there were some clear ideas of what summer romances were going to blossom. Finn and Rachel were two of the last people to enter, and even Santana had mellowed out enough to not give them any crap. It probably helped that she and Brittany had entered together, much to Puck's liking. Santana gave him a shy smile, which made him smile more. Tina and Mike had come in together, and no one batted an eye when Artie rolled in right behind them.
A lot of things had changed since the start of the school year, but some things were still the same.
Just to mark that difference, Kurt entered and sat down next to Noah. "Hi," he said, a forced amount of cheer and this is normal put into his small greeting.
"Hey," Noah said. His heart fluttered like it had all those months ago when things were definitely not normal. At least they were talking this time.
For now.
In between some cheap cookies and generic soda Mr. Schue had brought, the team and their teacher broke up into small groups and talked, laughed, and reminisced. Yes, it sucked that they didn't win or even make the top ten, but they knew they'd win next year. They all moved around and mingled with different people. At some point Tina and Santana played some piano and the jazz band kids joined in. For once, instead of working on some weird project or competition, they were just having fun.
Eventually Mr. Schue got to the front of the room and told everyone to get back in their seats. "Guys, I just want you to know how proud I am of each and every one of you," he said with a big smile. "I mean it. You guys really pulled together as a team. I really admire that. And I can't wait to see what this team does next year that gets us to first in the nation!"
They all cheered at that and Mr. Schue laughed. "Okay, okay, settle down. Now, I've been told that there's a tradition that will continue from last year. Noah Puckerman has something he'd like to perform for you!"
Everyone clapped and Noah got up there with a nervous smile. "Hey…so, um…" Noah had no idea what to say. He desperately looked into the platforms for Santana, who popped up almost instantly.
"Noah has a song to sing for us," she said simply. "We worked on it last night, switched up a few words, and worked on some chords…I think you guys are gonna like it." She smirked in a knowing way that made a few of them, Artie especially, raise their eyebrows hopefully. "Trust me."
Noah nodded in thanks and she sat back down. Then, with a guitar in hand, Noah cued the band on a familiar tune.
After just a few beats, everyone in the room recognized the song as Taylor Swift's "You Belong With Me". A few of the glee clubbers let out shocked laughs at Noah's choice of song, but when they realized what they it probably meant, they were all oddly attentive.
"You're on the phone with your girlfriend, she's upset," Noah sang, since they decided not to switch words at first. "She's going off about something that you said, 'cause she doesn't get your humor like I do." As he sang, he kept his eyes down on his guitar and watched his fingering carefully. It was the only thing keeping him calm for the moment. "I'm in the room, it's a typical Tuesday night. I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like, and she'll never know your story like I do."
Noah managed to look to the back of the room as he started the pre-chorus. "But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts. She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers dreaming 'bout the day when you wake up and find that what you're looking for has been here the whole time.
"If you could see that I'm the one who understands you," he sang passionately, "Been here all along. So why can't you see you belong with me? You belong with me."
Noah swung his guitar around on its strap so it laid against his back, something Santana said would make him more vulnerable. Apparently that was a good thing. He looked up at Santana, preparing himself to personalize the song more, and was happy to see her smiling and nodding along.
In fact, as he looked around her, he saw other people acting the same way. It was enough to make him smile some more, even as he avoided Kurt's eyes. "Walk in the streets with you and my worn out jeans, I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be," Noah sang, moving around a bit. "Laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself, 'Hey, isn't this easy?'"
He turned towards Kurt, and finally sang to him, "And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town. I haven't seen it in a while since he brought you down." Noah shook his head. "I haven't seen it in a while since he brought you down. You say you're fine; I know you better than that." Giving a small scoff, he continued, "Hey, what you doing with a guy like that?"
Noah directed the rest of the group as he sang, "He wears loafers, I wear sneakers." Imitating one of Blaine's over-the-top dance moves, he sang, "He's lead singer and I'm on the bleachers dreaming 'bout the day when you wake up and find that what you're looking for has been here the whole time!"
As Noah sang the chorus that time, he looked around at the rest of his classmates. Artie was smiling from ear to ear; Finn wore his usual small but happy smile while Rachel beamed; Tina and Mercedes were nearly bursting from their seats in excitement; even Lauren and Quinn looked pretty happy to see him acknowledge what had been so obvious to them for so long. "If you could see that I'm the one who understands you, been here all along, so why can't you see you belong with me?"
He turned to his side. "Standing by," he gave a small thrust as he sang, "And waiting at your backdoor." (Hey, he was still a Puckerman, and that joke had to be made). "All this time how could you not know baby? You belong with me. You belong with me."
With that, Noah turned to look at Noah as the band play the instrumental break. Dread settled in his stomach as he saw Kurt looking at him with confusion and maybe a bit of hurt. Kurt looked around briefly as he realized everyone was staring at him, then looked back at Noah with apprehension. He looked like he wanted to say something, but Noah had to finish this song. If he didn't now, he wasn't sure he ever would.
Noah slid down to his knees in front of Kurt and sang up to him desperately. "Oh, I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night. I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're 'bout to cry," Noah sang, trying not to cry in desperation himself as Kurt continued to look at him like that, his voice cracking a bit. "I know your favorite songs and you tell me about your dreams. Think I know where you belong, think I know it's with me…"
Noah stood up and kept his eyes on Kurt. Simply and plainly, he sang the truth, "Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you? Been here all along…So why can't you see you belong with me?" As the band crescendoed, Noah's voice grew as well. "Standing by and waiting at your backdoor, all this time how could you not know, baby? You belong with me, you belong with me."
Noah brought his arms out to the side, not sure how to make it any clearer as he sang, "You belong with me." He got down in front of Kurt again and asked, "Have you ever thought just maybe you belong with me?" He took Kurt's hands and quietly finished, "You belong with me."
As the last chord faded out, the room was full of silence. Everyone seemed to be waiting at the edge of their chairs for what was going to happen.
Kurt could feel that pressure sitting squarely on his chest. He needed time to think, to analyze how he felt, to decide what to do…he couldn't do that with everyone staring at him. "Noah…" Kurt whispered quietly, his voice barely there, as if it was squeezed out of his lungs. He looked back at everyone and felt that pressure built until he was standing up.
Noah immediately followed suit. Kurt ran a hand through his hair and looked up at Noah with wide, anxious eyes. "Please," Kurt said quietly. "I just…I need to think…I…" Kurt felt everyone's eyes on him, which was making it impossible to speak in this intimate situation. He always thought he'd want to be wooed by a song, but he realized when it was a surprise, it wasn't all that fun. He swallowed and whispered, "I've gotta go."
"Kurt…" Noah started. But Kurt brought his head down and walked past Noah, bumping against his shoulder. He kept on going, slowly picking up speed until he was running out of the choir room and down the hall. Running away from his answer, from the moment that was going to change his life, from his best friend…
A second later, Finn suddenly stood up. "Sorry," Finn said as everyone looked at him. "Kurt's my ride…" He got out of his seat and stepped onto the floor. He gave Noah a pat on the shoulder and then ran after Kurt.
Noah watched him go before looking up at the ceiling, trying his hardest not to tear up. How could he be so stupid?
—
A/N: Please don't hate me! This chapter is a bit shaky, but I promise there are some good things coming really, really soon. I hope you guys liked it, though. It was great to finally write out some of those musical ideas I've had for years!
Thank you for all the support over this and I hope you guys will review it!
Love,
xLessxThanx3x