Hey, here I am again! Longer note at the bottom, now read!
Heavily throwing up, I'm hanging above the toilet and trying to stop the nausea running through me.
For the third time this week.
It's been a week since I have been to the Lightwood's house, and I try my best not to think about it.
Sometimes, I can't help it. I can't help but miss Jace, Izzy, Simon, Magnus and even Alec. In my dreams I picture them at my fake funeral, crying and sobbing, while I am at their house stealing their stuff.
Well, technically I didn't steal their stuff, it already belonged to me. Still, I feel bad about it.
Have they noticed that the clothes are gone? Would Magnus see the small amount of glitter missing in his stock? Would Izzy see that there is some of my make-up missing? Would Jace see the smaller amount of shirts he has now?
Would Jace notice that one of our pictures was gone?
Could they guess that it was me?
Sebastian took everything from me. My home, my family, my friends, my boyfriend. My life.
All because he wants someone to join him. Not just someone, but Jace. My boyfriend.
Who thinks I'm dead.
I didn't notice until now that I'm crying. Hot, big tears make their way down my cheeks. I start to sob and have to lean back to the wall for support. My shoulders keep shaking, and I sink down to a sitting position.
Will I ever see Jace again? Will he ever know that I'm alive?
And if he ever will, will he be able to forgive me?
Regardless the pain it brings me, I have to know. I need answers.
I try to place myself in his situation. If I thought he was dead, and it suddenly became a lie, would I be able to forgive him if he knew about it?
I like to think that I would, but if I'm honest, I'm not so sure.
I have a feeling I don't know anything anymore: What I would do, what others would do, who others are to me.
I even don't know who I am anymore.
Am I Clary, Jace' girlfriend? Am I Clary, almost a part of the Lightwood family? Am I Clary, Valentine Morgenstern and Jocelyn Fairchild's only daughter? Am I Clary, sister of Jonathan Christopher Morgenstern, also known as Sebastian Verlac?
Or am I Clary, another toy in Jonathan Christopher Morgenstern's evil game?
I don't know.
The threes are standing close to each other, closer than you'd expect. The colorless leaves stop any light from entering the forest. The ground is covered in dead branches and a blanket of leaves.
All the threes are huge and more than a hundred years old. They are brown, but not the alive-brown you see sometimes. They are dull, lifeless and all seem to be either dead or dying.
Between all those threes, there is a small path leading into the forest. It is covered with dead leaves and branches and only visible if you know where to look.
The direction of the path is unclear. The only hint is the darkness in which it develops into the woods.
There is no life in the forest. No birds flying around and whistling, no squirrels searching the threes for food, no foxes or deers hiding behind the threes.
The forest is empty, dead.
It is dangerous.
It is how I feel.
My pencil moves faster and faster over the paper as I add more and more details to the drawing. The longer I draw, the faster my hand goes and the more real the scene looks. The forest is mysterious, and it seems dead. But a secret is kept in it. A secret no one knows. Not even I know yet.
But I know that I will know the secret. Once.
It could be tomorrow, it could be next year, it could be in a thousand years, when I have died here and am in another dimension.
But, once, I will know the secret.
After I finish the drawing, I continue to stare at it for a lot of time. I don't know how many time has passed since I was throwing up in the bathroom, but I know it must be a lot.
I wish I had a clock in here: I hate not knowing what the time is. The room has no windows, meaning I can't wach the sun and try to decide the time. Even if I could see the sun, I wouldn't be able to see that, but that aside.
I think it's still morning, but it could be late in the afternoon. I tend to forget about everyting around me when I draw, including the time.
I wonder what we will have for dinner tonight. I think it changes every evening, but I can't really see a difference. All the food we get is grey, soft and sticky. And sometimes it's a little bit sandy. The taste doesn't change at all, since none of the food has a taste.
I honestly wonder how someone can survive with only this as food.
Standing up, I walk to the door and lock it from the inside. I found out that that is possible a few days ago.
I realize that I feel tired. This is weird, because usually I can be up from seven am til eleven pm without getting tired.
And now, it's afternoon (I think) and I feel sleepy. So I do the only thing I want to: I lay down and drift off to sleep.
I wake up to heavy pounding on my door. "Clarissa Adele Morgenstern!" The voice of my dear brother sounds through the door.
"Ugh." I mumble, covering my head with a pillow.
"I know you're awake, now open this door!" He yells.
"Go away." I tell him, knowing he won't be able to hear me. But, according to his response, he can.
"I won't before you open this door, so you better will soon!" He empathises this with a few more pounds on the door.
Grumbling, I rise and unlock the door.
"Now, that's better." Sebastian smiles down at me. I scowl at him, but don't show him any other form of response.
He bargs into the room and sits down on the bed. Does really no one has respect for my privacy here?
"So, sweet sister, we need to talk." He tells me.
"About what?" I ask, raising my eyebrows.
"A few things." He responds .
"And what do these 'things' involve?"
"Let's start with breaking Jace' heart.
I immadiatly shut down, not wanting to say one word about this subject. "We already talked about that." I whisper.
"Oh yes, we did. But we didn't talk about the details." I swallow. There are more details? Can I stand to hear them?
"Look, there is this thing that will happen soon. I can't tell you what that is yet, but you will find out soon. And this thing... I'm not really happy about it in general, but I am happy with the effect this thing will have on my plan of breaking Jace."
"Why can't I know what this 'thing' is?" I want to know.
"Believe me, if you knew what it was, you wouldn't want to call it a 'thing'." He replies, still leaving me not having one idea what the fuck he's talking about.
"And why can't I know what it is?" I push.
"You will know soon." Sebastian repeats.
"When is soon?" I need answers, goddamnit!
"A few days, weeks maybe. I can't tell for sure. But believe me, you'll want to find out yourself. If I tell you know, you'll want to kill me in my sleep for spoiling the experience for you."
I throw my hands up in the air exasperated. "Can you stop talking in riddles?" I all but shout at the asshole.
"Why would I?" Sebastian asks, his smirk becoming even bigger.
In that moment, I really have to focus on not slapping him in the face. Or even better, punch him! On his nose, of course. The bastard would walk around with a broken nose for days. To be honest, I would enjoy that.
But, I don't know why, I don't. I just stand there, focusing on my breath, while I calm myself down and force me to relax.
As I look up at his' face, he is still smirking at me, wich is not really helping me to calm down.
"So, I suppose you have some quiestions. I won't be able to answer them all, but I will as much as possible."
I do have something. I just... Don't think that it is OK to talk about with your brother. It's.. not shaming, but... emberassing? Is it possible that those two are seperated?
As I am in thought, I can see Sebastian still looking at me, waiting for a resonse.
"Well, yes, but... Do I have to talk about it with you?"
"Yup." He says, sounding smug. "So, what do you need?"
"Uhm, well, I won't be needing it now. Well, I need it now, put I probably won't be needing it until a few days. But I need it now to be sure, you know, that when I need it I have it, so. If I don't have it on time, that isn't good, that is bad. Well, not life-threathening, you know, but... It would be bad, if you know what I mean. So, I need it now, but not until a few days, and-"
"Yes Clary, I understand. Can you cut the chase?" He sounds annoyed. Right now, when he finally shows some real emotion, I'm to emberassed to care.
"I need.. Uhm.."
"Just say it."
"Well, you k now, period stuff?" I manage to utter. I don't know if he heard it, but I think he has. I can feel the blood rushing to my head as I think of how he will react.
But he reacts different than I thought.
Suddenly, his booming laughter echo's through the small room. "Don't worry, sis, you won't be needing any of that. Not for a few months, anyway."
I raise my head and look at him in confusion. What the hell?
"Uhm, I need that stuff every month. There isn't a way to just stop it for a while, even through I wish there was."
He smirks. "There, you are wrong. There is a way to stop it for a few months. I don't have any control over it, but luckily it has already happend." With that, he walks out of the door.
Can he stop talking in riddles for a minute? I wonder silently while the door is being locked. And I wonder something else.
Does Sebastian know the secret of the forest?
Sorry for the short chapter, I just really wanted to post it. Please, take the time to review, I love them!
By the way, I'm looking for a beta for this story. Would anyone like to help me? I really love checking beta profiles out.
Anyway, thank you for reading! I hope you forgive me for the short chapter. Things will soon get more interesting, I promise!