The Random Megaman Parody Show: Second Offense
By: Metal Sonic EX
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Megaman series. Nor do I own anything else that they might choose to make fun of.
Parody #13
A Parody of Ico
By: The X series
(A news camera fizzes on.)
Reporter - I am here at the scene of a horrible accident. Apparently, some kind of castle that no one's been into for years collapsed and fell into the sea. With me now are the two survivors.
(The camera turns to Axl, who has a cloth with blood stains wrapped around his head, and Alia, who's looking at a bird intently.)
Reporter - You say you were in the castle?
Axl - Yeah, I'm the one who caused it to collapse.
Reporter - How so?
Axl - Well…
(The bird Alia was staring at explodes.)
Axl - …it's a long story…
(The screen fades out and fades back in to a younger Alia standing by Berkana's side.)
Berkana - Are you the interior designer?
Richard Simmons - Yes, and may I be the first to say that this place looks fabtastic! But, it's missing the Simmons touch.
Berkana - Which is…
Richard Simmons - I'm thinking… glowing green couches. Everywhere! Even outside on cliffsides! Just glowing couches. Everywhere! Put them in spots that couches shouldn't be!
Berkana - That's crazy. I like it.
(A bird that young Alia has been staring at explodes.)
Berkana - Stop that! Don't make me bring out the prod!
(The screen flashes forward to a few years later.)
Alia - Can I play?
Layer - You haven't even asked what we're playing.
Alia - Does that mean yes?
Pallette - Fine. You're the seeker. But where should you count? There!
(Pallette points to a cage that's floating in the middle of a circular room.)
Alia - Okay! -gets into cage- Here goes. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Eight. Twelve. Thirty-seven. Eight hundred and nine. Two thousand and sixteen. One million, one hundred eighteen thousand, seven hundred and two. Nine billion…
Layer - You just want to leave?
Pallette - Sure.
(The two walk off as Alia continues counting. The screen flashes forward to a few years.)
Alia - Five gajillion and twenty-five hundred million. Uh… Ten! -looks around- Guys? Hello? Anyone? Aw…
(The screen changes to another larger room where Axl, who has plastic horns strapped to his head, is being dragged to a cell. There is a dart sticking out of his butt and he is mumbling about llamas. The guards put him in a cell and walk off.)
Guard 1 - Aren't we supposed to sacrifice horned children only?
Guard 2 - Yeah.
Guard 1 - So, why'd we strap plastic horns on his head?
Guard 2 - He's the village idiot. Everyone wants him gone.
Guard 1 - Oh.
(The camera zooms in on the cell that Axl is being held in.)
Axl - -imitating walkie-talkie- You are cleared for liftoff.
(The cell begins rocking back and forth before the cell falls over and Axl falls out, landing on his neck. Axl sits up and looks around. He then looks down at himself.)
Axl - Houston… We have a problem… -passes out-
(Axl finds his way to a large, circular staircase. He walks up as black stuff begins pouring out of a cage. The form of a woman begins to take shape.)
Axl - Score!
(Suddenly, the woman is turned into a large black ball.)
Axl - What the…
(Suddenly, music begins playing and blobs of the black stuff begin to shoot at Axl. He screams, then wakes up.)
Axl - Ah! -looks around- Damn that Bio-Devil…
(Axl stands up, looks around, and runs off in a random direction. He pulls the dart out of his butt and holds it like a dagger as he climbs up the stairs to where Alia is sitting in the cage.)
Axl - Hello? Mr. Devil?
(Alia looks up and waves.)
Axl - Please don't shoot your blobs of doom at me. I can't memorize the pattern you'll shoot them, thus making the battle that much easier.
(After determining that Alia isn't the Bio-Devil, he runs up the stairs and jumps onto the cage. It falls to the ground where Axl falls off.)
Axl - My butt! Ooh… A 2X4… -picks up stick-
(Alia walks up and reaches towards Axl. She pokes him on the head, then begins dancing.)
Alia - Yay! I'm not it anymore!
Axl - What the fuck did you just say?
(Suddenly, a black person picks up Alia.)
Samuel L. Jackson - I'll be on my way now.
MSX - Wrong black person.
(The camera fizzes and this time, Sigma picks up Alia.)
Axl - Cool. I get to hit Sigma with a stick.
(Axl does so and grabs Alia. They find a way outside and Axl screams before covering his eyes.)
Axl - Oh my God! The blurred graphics! I can't take it!
(Axl flips over the side of a bridge and falls several hundreds stories to the water below. He chooses to retry and he pops back at the door which he just entered.)
Axl - Again!
(Axl flips over the bridge, then respawns at the door.)
Axl - Okay, let's take a look here. -looks around- I've got it! We're stuck in a castle!
Alia - Brilliant deduction.
Axl - Okay, either shut up or speak my language.
Alia - Horned freak.
Axl - Bitch…
(Time passes, then the two enter a large courtyard.)
Axl - I just got the feeling of Deja-Vu… Oh well…
(A little later, Axl and Alia find themselves in the same courtyard.)
Axl - Yep, definitely Deja-Vu.
(More black people crawl out of a hole in the ground.)
Chris Rock - Come with us…
Eddie Murphy - It's no use resisting…
Martin Luther King Jr. - I had a dream that you became one of us…
Eminem - Man, let's grab the bitch and go! Jiggity-gee!
Axl - Ah! Black people! Time for Offense Maneuver Number Forty-Three! -throws the stick at them- Be gone!
(The black people look at the stick, then continue advancing.)
Axl - That one never seems to work… Oh well. Plan B.
(Axl picks up Alia and swings on a vine in a very Indiana Jones-like fashion.)
Axl - We should be safe here.
(Another black portal opens up in the room.)
Axl - God dammit!
(After fending of the black people with a piece of watermelon, which was cut out of the game for some reason, Axl and Alia go outside to where the doors are open. But first…)
MSX - I'm still not racist!
(Back to the parody…)
Axl - Open doors! Yeah!
(Axl drags Alia along as the doors close.)
Axl - Figures.
(A wispy black figure appears behind them.)
Axl - Ah! Berkana!
Berkana - Blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blahblah!
Alia - Blah blah blah blahblah.
Berkana - Blah blah blah blahblah, blah blah blah!
Axl - I have no idea what they're saying…
(Here's a translation.)
Berkana - Did you catch the game last night? That bastard missed the ball!
Alia - He's freaking blind, Mother.
Berkana - I'm not your mother, you stupid bitch!
Axl - I'm a fucking idiot.
(Onward!)
Axl - Why do I get the feeling the I just dissed myself?
Berkana - Anyhoo, look. You can't take her. I need her to continue on living. Blah blah blah. Yadda yadda. All that jazz.
Axl - Speak in a language I can understand!
Berkana - I have been… Retard… -vanishes-
Axl - Well, looks like we're going the long way.
Alia - Oh joy…
Axl - English, please!!
(Later, Axl makes a light shine and light up half the door.)
Axl - Shiny… -screams as he slips and falls to his death-
(Axl respawns next to Alia.)
Axl - Damn slippery sides.
(Even later, Axl lights up the second half.)
Axl - My, my. That part of the game was awfully repetitive. Anyways, the door is open.
(Alia uses her powers and opens the door. They make a run for it, but Alia slips. Axl exchanges looks between freedom and Alia. He pulls out a bundle of money, then tosses to her.)
Axl - Buy yourself some shoes. -makes a run for it- I'm free! Hahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa…
(Alia watches as he falls through the holographic part of the bridge and falls to his apparent death.)
Alia - You're evil.
Berkana - Duh! Now take a good look at this.
(Alia turns to Flame Hyenard.)
Alia - Ack! It's hideous! -turns to stone-
Hyenard - I hate life.
Life - And I hate you!
(Elsewhere, Axl comes to and looks around.)
Axl - How convenient… I land on a cage that's here for no reason.
-Flashback-
Richard Simmons - Oh, one more thing! We need cages hanging on the outside of the castle. That ought to keep the neighbors off of the property.
Berkana - There are no neighbors.
Richard Simmons - It's working already!
-End Flashback-
Axl - Weird…
(Axl makes his way back into the castle and comes across a sword.)
Axl - Neat-o! It's shiny… -gazes into space, then snaps out of it- Onward to kill the Queen for no reason!
(Moments later, Axl finds himself where he started.)
Axl - Why does this seem familiar?
(Axl looks around as the camera reveals that he is standing on a square in the middle of the room with a number one painted on the inside of it. Suddenly, the spirits of the previous horned children begin attacking.)
Axl - Ah! Too many horny people!
MSX - Sorry, folks. I had to it. -smiles innocently-
Axl - Hey, you! Go long!
(Axl throws a football and one of the spirits attempts to grab it, but is shattered when the ball tears through it.)
Axl - Heh… Weird…
(Moments pass and all of the spirits are gone.)
Axl - Wow… You guys really suck at sports. Hey, an Alia statue!
(Axl admires the statue before walking into the next room.)
Axl - That's a nice statue. It looks almost like the real thing.
Berkana - It is the real thing.
Axl - Don't flatter yourself. I'm sure it cost a lot. Now, where was I? Ah, yes!
(Axl is thrown back into the wall, causing one of the plastic horns to fall off.)
Axl - You… bitch…
(Axl stabs the Queen and, when she dies, Axl is thrown against the wall, losing the other horn. Alia is freed, but is completely black.)
Alia - Look at this place! I need to hire an interior decorator pronto!
Richard Simmons - Circus tents! We need big giant circus ten-
Alia - BE GONE!! Oh, Axl… Aw, hell…
(Alia sighs, then picks him up. Though he is unconscious, he continuously farts until Alia puts him in a boat and shoves him off.)
Alia - And take your farts with you!
(Hours later, Axl comes to and runs down the beach where he finds Alia.)
Alia - -mutters something-
Axl - What?
Alia - I said… -mutters something-
Axl - Subtitles… Where are the subtitles? I don't know what you're saying without the subtitles!!
(The camera flashes forward.)
Axl - …and that's when you walked up.
Reporter - So, what's with the bloody rag?
(Axl raises an eyebrow, then takes the clothes off of his head.)
Axl - Oh! That's where my napkin went.
Next time: Flashman steps into the ring for a sequel.