DC, September, 2004
On their way to JJ's apartment, Alex has a serious urge to chain-smoke to keep her nerves in control, but she decides that if JJ has the intentions she believes she has, she doesn't want to taste like an ashtray and forces herself to make a single cigarette last for several minutes, and then switch it for a breath mint. They walk, because the weather is nice and because Alex's car is still at campus. JJ doesn't have one of her own yet.
"I will after graduating," she says. "I did have a car back home, but I had to sell it so I could afford some things."
"What kind of car was it?" Alex doesn't wonder about this, but rather what JJ would look like on top of her in bed, but she can't ask that out loud, now, can she? Besides, if she's lucky - or unlucky, depending on how you view this soon-to-be-affair, - she'll find that out for herself soon.
"Ah, just a beat-up Chevy, a hand-me-down from my cousin." JJ giggles, "Car was so old if you washed it the colour came off with the dirt. Just peeled right off. But, I loved that car."
Alex thinks of the Mercedes she drives and feels like some bored uptown wife luring in a young downtown rebel for some mindless sex games. It doesn't help that the second car they have, the car James drives, is a BMW. She can't even claim to have 'worked herself up' to money the way Jennifer might do one day. Sure, Alex has had to work hard, but she never had to give anything up. There was always enough money to get by on - and then some. Even as newlyweds, she and James never went through that financially wavering (or even downright desperate) phase. She had some smart long-term investments, James came from money and made a lot of it in his profession. They had pulled the lucky card, or so she thought.
So why was she unhappy, while JJ seemed to beam?
"What was your first own car?" JJ asks.
"Um…" Alex has no idea. That was twenty years ago and she has no sentimental attachment whatsoever to machines she has once used. "I really don't remember."
"What about your first kiss?"
Alex comes very close to choking on the mint over this sudden change of subject.
"Don't tell me you forgot about your first kiss," JJ says in a disappointed voice.
"Of course I remember my first kiss. It just isn't much to remember. I was thirteen, played in the local Junior Basketball League, I set the winning score at one game. And the boy that had been hanging around me for the past few months or so, kissed me. It was pretty undramatic. I was mostly worried if he'd notice that I had never been kissed before."
"And what are you worried about now?" JJ asks gently as she touches Alex's arm.
"I'm worried you won't like me," Alex say truthfully and looks away. The student reaches out a hand and touches her professor's long, dark hair.
"Oh, I like you. Don't worry about that. I like you a lot."
She unlocks the front door. "Okay, brace for impact."
It's a pretty nice apartment, the three-roomer that Jennifer shares with the late mystery author's namesake. Slightly messy but in a homey rather than off-putting way. Alex tends to evaluate these things on three accounts; 1) the presence of living plants, 2) curtains in all windows, and 3) no dried-in food stains on the kitchen table, and this place checks in clear on all of these things. She doesn't mind having to climb over a mountain of shoes to get inside (girls will be girls, she thinks), she doesn't mind the hoodie thrown on the couch, and she definitely doesn't mind the books littered everywhere, mostly paperbacks or library editions, but a couple of 'fancier' copies with dust jackets as well.
"Agatha is the one who reads the classics. I've never really been able to get into them," JJ says, almost apologetically. Alex pulls out a thumbed James Patterson paperback from a pile of mixed books and smiles.
"It's not what you read that matters, it's that you read… and this one is good," she remarks and reluctantly puts the book back. "But we're not here to discuss literature, are we?"
JJ blushes and shakes her head.
"Hey, I know we've just left the coffee shop, but do you want anything? Coffee? Tea? I have a couple of Pepsis that I'm hiding from Agatha unless she found my hiding spot…" she's talking so fast she's stumbling over the words. Alex interrupts her with the one thing she has wondered since lunchtime on Saturday.
"Did you know I'm married?"
JJ deflates.
"Yeah," she whispers and gestures to Alex's wedding band. "I knew. I'm really sorry."
Alex isn't listening. She has turned to her own council.
"The valid question, I think, is do I know I'm married," she mutters under her breath. JJ gives her a hopeful look that she can even feel is pathetic, but she can't wipe it off her face. She's nervous, but that must be nothing compared to how the other woman feels, and strangely enough, that helps calming her down.
"I shouldn't be doing this," Alex says and shakes her head almost as if she's trying to wake herself up from a dream. "Where am I going with you anyway?"
"Anywhere you want," JJ answers. It should sound like a melodramatic line from a lousy romance novel, but it doesn't, because there is no melodrama whatsoever in it, only longing and truth. Alex looks back at her for what feels like an eternity, torn between what she wants and what she's supposed to do.
"I'm going to kiss you again," JJ eventually says, deciding to take the lead. "If you don't want me to, the door is unlocked. If you choose to leave, I'll respect that decision."
Alex's eyes wander to the door, then back to JJ's hazy blue eyes, then back to the door again. She takes a few steps towards it, reaching out a hand, and JJ's heart sinks. Then Alex locks the door and turns back to JJ, biting her lip. She's so nervous she's trembling, and her heart is beating so hard she's beginning to feel light-headed, but she wants this. This is one decision she makes for herself. Not for the job, not for James, not even for JJ.
This is where Alex Blake makes the second reckless decision. Everything that comes after it is a direct consequence.
When she closes the distance between them, JJ's mouth is upon hers before she can make the move herself, but she is eager to respond. The kiss is sweet, but there is power behind it. A lot of power.
"I should probably tell you right off the bat that I've never…" Alex begins and interrupts herself with a moan when Jennifer moves down a little and starts placing tiny kisses down Alex's jaw and neck. "That I've never, uh…" she has completely lost track of what she's trying to say.
"Don't worry… neither have I," JJ whispers. "We'll improvise."
'Improvise' is a word that Alex normally doesn't like. It leaves too much room for possible failure, embarrassment and rejection. But when JJ says it, it sounds almost like magic. It holds all the promises in the world; maybe Alex doesn't have to excel at something before she has tried it, the way she has lived her entire life up till now.
"Yeah…" she says. "I can, uh, I can do that…"
"Breathe," JJ instructs her. "That's kind of essential."
Ah, but she can barely breathe herself. Her pale complexion is flushed and she's… well, hot and bothered is the description that best fits.
That's my doing, Alex thinks, in wonder. She's sure she has managed to put James into this state at one point in their lives, but it seems like forever ago. She has always thought he was quite 'wham bam thank you ma'am' when it comes to sex, but she's not sure she's going to be much better herself today. She's so aroused she feels like the slightest touch below her waist will make her lose what little control she still possesses, and when the younger woman begins to unbutton her slacks, she sucks in air between her teeth.
"Oh my God," she exhales, "go easy on me."
"Where's the fun in that?" JJ responds, but slows down. She wants to take the command to make Alex feel comfortable, not the opposite, and besides, she wants this to last. "Come," she says and takes Alex's hand. "Let's go to bed."
Alex nods and follows, too dazed to speak. Her jacket is thrown over a chair and she's half-way out of her blouse. Her lips are swollen from kissing, and the lipstick she was wearing is smeared out, but to JJ, she has never looked more attractive. The very controlled professor who could make a whole class put away their cell phones just by the tone of her voice is replaced by a helpless, stuttering mess, and there is just something about the contrast that fires the younger woman up to no end. No, maybe neither of them have the experience, but they are both women, aware of what their bodies look like and how they react, and that should count for something. And they want this. That counts for even more.
Afterwards, as they're lying cramped up in JJ's bed, Alex has regained her ability to speak in coherent sentences.
"You're not doing this for the bragging rights, I hope," she mumbles, once again hit by the insecurity that seems to have crept into every corner of her life in the past year. Before that, she would have been the aggressor. But then again, before that, she never would have considered sleeping with a student.
"Come on Alex, give me some credit," JJ says, nuzzling her.
"I am. Extra credit."
JJ snorts.
"Is that what you're doing?"
"No," Alex says, twirling some of Jennifer's silky blonde hair between her fingers. It's like touching the sunshine. "But if this isn't going to be a one-time thing, then we have to be very, very careful. The consequences…"
"I know," JJ assures her, quickly so she won't have to hear them spoken out loud.
"Your roommate, would she talk?"
"Oh God, no! She may give the impression of a blabbermouth, but she can keep a secret. We've lived together for almost two years, I know."
"What does she do?"
"Studying to be a lawyer."
Alex tries to picture the heavyset, bubbly redhead in court and finds that she has no problems doing so. She thinks the talkative, easy-going girl could be lethal if she wanted to. In fact, that might also be true about the sweet, petite blonde that's curled up against her like a content kitten.
JJ stretches and props herself up on one elbow.
"Wow, I'm going to be sore," she says, grinning.
"Thank you…?" Alex isn't sure what to say. JJ, still grinning, trails a finger down her stomach.
"Were you really telling the truth about never being with a woman before?"
"Yeah. Were you?"
"Mhm. I think we did pretty good."
Alex chuckles and pulls her close, inhaling the faint scent of shampoo and a light flowery perfume, and she doesn't want to let go. Ever. There may be a ring on her finger telling her and the rest of the world that she already belongs to someone, but it has never been like this before. It's frightening. It's wonderful. It's addictive.
"So do I."
That evening, long after the unexpected lovers have parted with the promise to see each other soon again, Alex finds herself in her empty home, pacing restlessly. She has things to do; paperwork, laundry, she should clear the dishwasher, make and eat dinner, but she can't focus on anything. She walks aimlessly from one room to the other, one neatly furnished and impeccably clean room to the other, and for the first time it strikes her that her home doesn't look lived in. Everything is put away in its place, there's not a spot on the windowpanes or mirrors, no forgotten coffee mug on a desk or table.
If I walked out the door and left, another person could just walk right in and take over my life with no effort. There is no mark of me here.
Of course there is, but it's oddly anonymous. Like she has spent her entire life perfecting herself into someone who's not real. Or perhaps it's because she tried to polish away all distinctive marks when media was all over her, but the reason doesn't matter. The point is that there is nothing here that really speaks of who Alex Blake is. She's making a profile of herself based on the house and comes up with a pretty disheartening one.
Tidy but not OCD, with expensive but Spartan preferences, likes books, particularly classics, plays chess, likes Italian red wine. Indicates high academic education and money. Oh, and lives more in the past than the present, judging by all the photographs on the walls and desks.
She enters the bedroom and sighs as she looks at the bedside table and the pill bottles lined up there.
Depressed, anxious and has trouble sleeping. A typical overachiever who doesn't know when to stop.
Her eyes shift to the untouched side of the bed. The side that has been cold and empty for months.
Separated, divorced or in a long-distance relationship.
I could be any middle-aged career woman in America.
"And no children," she says out loud and jumps a little at the sound of her own voice. It sounds too loud in this wide-stretched silence. She has never been much for children, and neither has James, but they did make an attempt several years ago. Nothing came of it. They were both a bit too absorbed by their jobs to push the issue, and while it's not too late, it's on the verge. James brought the topic back up for discussion before signing on with the Doctors without borders, but it turned out neither of them were that interested in changing their busy work schedule for a baby schedule. Alex still thinks it was the right choice for them, but she wonders if things would have been different if there had been a child in the house. Probably not. If you're already running out of love, starting a family might not be a good idea.
The phone is ringing. She goes to get it, hoping against hope that it'll be Jennifer, but she doesn't think the younger woman has her home number. Besides, she would call her on the cell phone, that would be safer. More private. And with that thought, it suddenly strikes her full force;
Oh God, I'm having an affair. I'm cheating on my husband.
She should feel guilty, but the closest she gets is a washed-out, tired disgust at her own greed. Not even when she answers the phone and realises it's James does that feeling turn into real guilt. Only a stronger level of self-disgust.
"Hey darling," he says, sounding stressed but oblivious. No intuitive knowledge of his wife's recent infidelity. Would she know if he cheated on her? She always thought so, but look at that, she didn't even know she would cheat. Maybe it's true that we never really know someone, but then we never really know ourselves either.
"Hey, honey!" she says, trying to sound enthusiastic. Perhaps it's the static buzz on the line that forgives her meagre attempt, perhaps he just doesn't pay enough attention to realise it's fake. "Is everything okay?"
"Remind me again why I signed on for this," he says, pretending to sound exhausted, but she can tell that it's acted and that he's loving every moment. Doctor James Blake, born to save the world.
"Because you're the good guy," Alex replies. They've had this conversation before, she knows what he wants to hear and she says it. Besides, it's not a lie. You have to be a good guy to put your own life on the line to help complete strangers in another part of the world. But sometimes the good guys are so busy saving the world that they forget to save their own little piece in it.
"Because I was born with half a brain, is more like it," he says. "This place is hotter than hell."
"Yeah, you've been there, so obviously you can compare them," Alex replies sarcastically. He laughs, but it sounds strained.
"It's actually not the heat that bothers me so much as it is all this damn sand. We had a sandstorm yesterday and you wouldn't believe how it gets in everywhere! I'm surprised the equipment works, but Jacques and Hans have dealt with the sandstorms before and they know how to brace for them…"
He goes on about colleagues she has never met and never will meet, life-saving procedures she has never seen performed and never will, a life so different from the one she's leading she feels like she's speaking to a visitor from another planet. And suddenly she wants to tell him everything, beg him to forgive her and to come home, and maybe they still have a shot at a life together. She bites her tongue before she tells him anything, though. Maybe she just needs to test this thing in order to come back to their marriage, revitalised and strengthened in her faith in the 'for better and for worse' vow she spoke eleven years ago.
"And how about you? Everything good on the home front?"
No! I just started an affair with a student! A female student! I've had my share of crushes on teachers myself, and I do have a soft spot for certain actresses, but I have never even thought about sleeping with a woman and yet I just did! Why would I do that if everything was good? Why would I even want to stray?
"Yep, all's well."
"Good. Listen, I've gotta go now, but I'll try to call you sometime tomorrow if I can. I love you."
"I love you too."
Does she? She supposes she does. You can't just turn off love, even if it has started to run a bit thin over time. They hang up and she closes her eyes, trying to will the world to go away. It doesn't.
Then her cell phone goes off, and she has one text message in the inbox. The number is not in her phonebook, but she programs it in right away, because the message is from Jennifer. It's brief and to the point, but it makes her feel all fuzzy and warm inside.
I miss you.
She quickly types a short reply;
I miss you too.
It only takes a few seconds until JJ has responded again.
I'm glad you do. Looking forward to next time. ;)
That is all it takes for Alex to finally force herself into the kitchen, where she settles for a tuna salad for dinner. She's not sure she can eat anything heavier. Her stomach is already filled - with butterflies.
A/N
I said I wasn't going to get graphic, and personally I think this slips past the M tag so far, but it's kind of obvious what they're doing, so I thought I'd better slap the M there for safety measures. :P