Seattle, August, 2014

"JJ, you would tell me if you had a problem, right?" Reid said.

"Uh, sure."

"You would tell me if this problem had to do with a colleague too, wouldn't you?" he continued, and JJ looked at him. He was sweating a little at the temples and she felt a wave of compassion, so strong it almost felt like love, when she saw how insecure he was. Poor Reid, he was so confident when it came to facts and statistics, but he was a mess when social clues and emotional issues surfaced. It wasn't that he didn't pick up on them; he did, but he wasn't always sure of how to deal with them.

"Is this about Blake?" JJ said. Using the other woman's last name, the name that wasn't hers but her husband's, was painful and at the same time easier. It was less personal, because during the brief time they were indeed a couple, JJ had never called her anything but Alex.

"It is," Reid said. "At least that's what it seems like to me."

JJ reached out a hand for the remote control and paused the video of the surveillance footage.

"You knew her before she joined the team, didn't you?" she asked.

"Yeah, I've guest lectured in her forensic linguistics classes several times. Gideon introduced us, but that was way back. I like Blake," he said and carefully watched how JJ's expression turned into something akin to pain. "But I take it you don't."

I'm honestly not sure what I feel about her anymore, JJ thought and sighed.

"It's a bit more complicated than just a matter of liking," she said.

"Well, what then? She's smart, she's good at the job, she's…"

"Self-centred, dismissive and aloof?" JJ added before she had the time to filter her thoughts. "I'm sorry Spence. I guess I just have some personal issues with her."

"What happened? If she was your professor, what could have happened to bring so much bad blood it lasts for so many years? Did you get unfair bad grades? Did she catch you cheating or anything like that? Or what?"

His choice of words were hilariously accurate in a way, only it had been Alex who had been cheating, but not on JJ, but on her husband with JJ.

"Spencer…" Oh, what the hell, what harm could it do? It had been a decade. "I had an affair with her."

"You were lovers?"

JJ nodded, and felt her cheeks heat up a little, even though Reid sounded less surprised than she would have given him credit for.

"And now you don't even like her?" Reid said and seemed confused. "What happened?"

"She left me without explanation, okay? And that's not even the point. The point is that she could have made contact with me any time in all those years and explained herself, but she chose not to. Like I wasn't worth it. Like I didn't mean enough."

"Did… did you try to contact her?"

"I did. For the first month. She never answered my calls and never called me back, and since she reassigned my class to another professor I guess the hint was pretty obvious. She didn't want to talk to me again."

"So you never tried to make contact with her in the years that followed?"

JJ groaned.

"I see where you're going with this. No, I didn't. Her departure was brutal enough, it didn't exactly leave any room for hesitation about her feelings."

"What about your feelings?"

JJ remained silent.

"Maybe you should talk to her now? I mean, at some point you have to sort out your differences if you're going to work together."

"We're not," JJ said. "She has already agreed to resign as soon as we get back to DC."

"Wow."

He didn't say any more than that, but JJ immediately felt guilty. Was she too harsh on her former lover? Forcing her out of her job because of what happened ten years ago might be a bit exaggerated and was not at all JJ's normal behaviour. Then again, Alex Blake always made her behave out of character, from the moment they first met.

The two agents watched the surveillance tapes from the fast food restaurants in silence for a while.

"Do you think I should?" JJ asked eventually.

"Hm?" Reid said and paused the tape again. "Yes, I think you should talk to her. I really like you JJ, but I like Alex too, and I was looking forward to working with her."

"And now I ruin it," JJ said. Reid frowned.

"I didn't say that. JJ, are you still in love with her, is that why you're acting so weird when she's around?"

"I'm not in love with her!" JJ huffed. "I'm married, remember? And I love Will. Why am I acting weird around Blake, well, I just told you. That's not enough in your book?"

"Okay," he said softly. "It's just hard for me to see that in her, is all. I've always thought Alex is a good person. I'm not defending her actions if she did all that to you, but you don't think there's a possibility it was a misunderstanding leading up to it? Was she abusive as a partner?"

"Oh God Spence, we had an affair for six or seven months."

"The signs usually start turning up sooner than that."

JJ shook her head.

"No, she's not abusive. She's probably the sweetest and most thoughtful partner I've ever had. Genuine. Which made her actions so much more hurtful and surprising."

"Then it was circumstances and not Alex having a vendetta against you. And to find out those circumstances you need to talk to her. JJ, she is a good person. You know that."

"I know she is, Spence. I'm just not sure I am a good enough person to forgive her and move on."

"Yes, you are," he replied as if there was never any doubt, and turned back to the tapes. "You know, while there are men coming in with children, it's not the same men on all the tapes."

"Yeah…" JJ said. "Let's get them identified , and we'll check them up anyway."

"Yeah," Reid said and turned back to the technology, while JJ looked down at her own hands. Ten years ago, those hands had been entangled in Alex's thick dark hair, tugging at it while she was busy kissing every last spot of her skin, trying to get as many sounds of pleasure out of the older woman as possible.

JJ's cheeks flushed again as she realised that she was getting a little bit turned on by these memories.

Alright, I might talk to her, but refuse to let her know how she gets under my skin just by being around. It's been a decade, it's not like I haven't had sex - good sex - since then. And she's not exactly some kind of sex goddess anyway.

No, maybe not. But she had to admit that Alex had been… fun… to play with. Playful and sensitive, and always creative. Will was a good guy and he wasn't a bad lover either, but his idea of being creative in bed started and ended with role-play, while Alex had… some other ideas at times. Particularly ideas involving mouths.

And frozen grapes, JJ thought and snickered to herself before she tried to be serious again. What had happened between them was in the past, sad but true, but perhaps they could at least make present day endurable if they both stopped behaving like scorned teenagers. Festering wounds won't heal, sometimes they need to be ripped open and disinfected, no matter how painful it could be.

It was eleven o'clock when Hotch gathered the team again and as they had nothing new and waited for identification on the male customers, he told them to go back to the hotel to get some sleep.

"We gather here again at 6. 30 tomorrow," he announced, and JJ couldn't help giving Alex a quick glance. She remembered how much the older woman detested getting up early in the morning, and that had obviously not changed with time. Not that the linguist said anything, but the slight, disapproving curl of her upper lip was more than enough proof.

"I spotted what looked like a decent Italian place downtown," Rossi said, "anyone wanna join me for a bite?"

"I'm in," Hotch replied and Reid nodded.

"Yeah, you do tend to pick good Italian restaurants. Your choice in steakhouses on the other hand is usually downright terrible…" Reid began and Rossi shook his head and turned to Hotch.

"Is there any way we can put the kid on mute?"

Hotch ignored Rossi altogether - that's how Hotch put anyone on mute - and turned to the female agents.

"Any of you care to join us?"

Blake looked torn, but eventually she replied; "No, thank you. I think I need sleep more than I need food right now. I'll grab a sandwich or something. But thanks anyway."

"I agree. I want to make a quick phone call to my boys while they're still awake, and then I'll give you a ride back to the hotel," JJ said, turned to Alex. Alex was just about to open her mouth and object - who had decided that JJ should give her that ride? It wasn't like she didn't have a driver's license herself… but JJ still had the keys, she reminded herself, and closed her mouth again and nodded without saying anything.

The three men looked tensely at them as if they were mentally disarming a bomb and Alex had to smile. She didn't blame them, JJ and Alex were behaving as ridiculous as two fifteen-year-old girls with a beef, they really were.

"Ten minutes, I promise," JJ said in an even voice, as if she hadn't noticed the tension. Alex knew she had, but two could play that game.

"Sure, thank you. I'll wait by the car," she replied and felt rather than heard the sigh of relief from the rest of the team.

"I'll be right out," JJ said and almost smiled. She too had felt the sense of relief radiating from the male agents.

Ten minutes in the open parking lot felt more like twenty. Alex leaned against the SUV with her coat pulled tight. While it was still August, the wind was chilly and went straight through the thin fabric, and freezing always made her irritable. But she wasn't going to start anything, she reminded herself. Not this time. The last thing she wanted was a fight, or even just a quarrel; she just wanted to get back to the hotel and have a hot shower and go to bed.

"Sorry it took longer than expected," JJ said as she hurried across the area. "There was some confusion I had to sort out. Henry just heard about two men getting married and it confused him greatly because what did you call the husband's spouse if it wasn't a wife?"

Alex smiled.

"And what did you say?"

"I just told him that since the husband is a man, then two men are two husbands. And two women are wives. It's really not more complicated than that."

"How did he react to that?"

"He said; 'oh, okay. Mom, what holds the moon up in the sky?'"

Alex looked very serious.

"Really? Actually, I've always wondered about that myself."

JJ smiled and tilted her head to the side as she watched Alex.

"You would have made a great mother, you know that."

"No, I wouldn't. I'm too selfish. As you very well know," Alex clipped and climbed into the passenger's seat. "What?"

"No cigarettes?" JJ asked, almost in a joking way, when she stepped in behind the wheel.

"No, I gave those up almost eight years ago,", Alex replied, rubbing her hands together to get some warmth back into them.

"That is impressive. I remember you as a two-pack-a-day girl," JJ said.

"Aw come on, it wasn't two packs, it was one," she corrected JJ, but it probably had been two packs a day by the time JJ entered her life. She had been on every legal synapses enhancer and stress reliever she could get her hands on. She had tried to cut down on the smoking when she was in JJ's company of course, but still… yes, she probably had been up to two packs. She shuddered at the thought. That was a whole lot of nicotine and tar.

"What I do remember is that you really enjoyed it, so why did you quit?"

Alex sighed.

"Because when you start every morning by coughing until you can't draw a full breath at all, it's beginning to get more frightening than pleasurable."

"It got that bad, huh?"

"It did," Alex said and glanced at JJ, feeling the same old attraction pulling at her and wanting to abandon all rational thought and mundane discussion topics and just lose herself in the younger woman's arms. Oh, damn it. This was never going to work out. She still had feelings for JJ, only that was an understatement. She was still in love with her.

JJ raised her eyebrows.

"So you just quit, cold turkey?"

"Yes. That's how I do things."

JJ's heart softened a little. Over the years she had forgotten how strong-willed and sometimes pigheaded her former lover was, and time had obviously not made this character trait any duller. As much as it had hurt JJ when it came down full force on her, for the first time she wondered if it was just the way Alex was.

"Are you still married to James?" she asked, the question seemed to come out of the blue. It definitely wasn't something she had planned on asking, and Alex obviously wasn't prepared for it either.

"Well… yeah. I am."

"Did you ever tell him… about us?"

"No. When he came home for a longer round, it was already over, and I saw no reason to bring it up. You see, James is… he's very practical by nature, and has… I don't know how to put it, he has rather shallow emotions. The waters don't run that deep with him. He wouldn't understand feelings that are so strong you cannot hold them back. He's predictable."

"He sounds a bit boring," JJ said without even thinking about how rude it sounded. Alex smiled sadly.

"Maybe he is, but he's stable."

"And you love him." JJ took great care not to sound disappointed.

"I think love is stretching it," Alex said. "But I care about him. And he's a good man, I don't think I can ask for more. And we're both comfortable living apart, so that works well, I don't think many couples can adjust to that kind of living arrangement over time."

"You're still living apart? Wow, I thought he'd only be on those assignments for a couple of years. Where is he now?"

"Liberia."

"Oh my God," JJ said.

"Yeah," Alex sighed and ran a hand through her hair. She tried not to think about it too much; but the news he gave her over the phone were alarming to say the least. The Ebola epidemic was raging like a wildfire and people dropped dead in the streets. There was nothing left of James's usual bragging 'look at me how brave I am'-tone in his voice when they talked on the phone. He wasn't afraid - Alex thought that deep in his heart James honestly believed he was immortal - but he was shook-up, and that was highly unusual for this mellow, laidback man, which told her more about the severity of the epidemics than the news reports could.

"The bravery aside, doesn't it make you angry?" JJ asked after a moment of silence.

"What?"

"Your first day with the BAU and he's not there for you this time either?"

"Well… I'm not at home, seems like a waste he should be there and wait for me when he can, you know, save lives…" Alex replied, but her voice sounded less and less confident as she kept speaking, and she leaned her head back and sighed. "Alright, fine. Yeah. It makes me angry. He's doing important work, but yes, it makes me angry that he cares so little about me." She was quiet and reconsidered her words. "No, it's making me sad."

"I'm sorry."

"Are you?"

She intended for it to sound venomous, but it came out sounding tired and feeble, and she was. She was tired of everything. She hadn't felt this worn-out since she was in the throes of that dark, helpless depression.

"Yes," JJ said without hesitation. "I'm sorry about this whole mess. I'm sorry what we had came to an end, I'm sorry your husband is an idiot-"

"I never said he's an idiot. I've never said that, Jennifer," Alex felt compelled to point this out. "Distant and emotionally shallow, yes, I may even have said that he's boring, but I've never said he's an idiot."

"I'm sorry your husband wasn't there for you," JJ said in a softer voice, once more cursing how Alex could make her so emotional that she insulted a person she had never met. "And I'm sorry I wasn't enough to take his place."

"Jennie…" Oh damn it, I said it again, Alex scolded herself, but JJ didn't seem to notice, or care, so she went on. "I'm honestly too tired to talk about this right now. Can we please revisit the topic tomorrow?"

"Fine." It wasn't fine at all. It had always been like this, hadn't it? If Alex didn't feel like talking, she wasn't going to talk. Some linguist. "But I want to know one thing."

"Okay."

JJ had parked the car and they were only a few steps away from the blessed anonymity of a large hotel with a quiet impersonal room and a bed with no commitments. Alex wanted to get out of the car as soon as she could, because she was afraid her willpower would crack and her façade would come crashing down. Oh, how she wanted to just pull JJ close and forget about the past decade altogether. Forget everything around them and make love the way they used to do, letting emotions, curiosity and pleasure lead the way.

"Was I just a cheap plaything that you grew tired of and threw away? If that is how you felt about me, I want you to come right out and say it. I'd rather hear you put it in words than stick to this passive-aggressive silent treatment, I guess you think it's diplomatic but it's hurting me, Alex. It always did hurt me. I feel dirty and discarded."

She took a deep breath; she hadn't intended for this to turn into a little speech, but when she looked at Alex, she saw that the older woman had tears in her eyes.

"I swear to God," she said in a low voice that wasn't completely steady, "that you were never a cheap plaything, I never grew tired of you and I never meant to hurt you or make you feel bad in any way. I can tell you that much." She reached out her hand, almost changed her mind, then went ahead. She gave JJ's shoulder a brief caress, so light it was like a breath of wind, and then she got out of the car. "We'll talk more tomorrow. Goodnight," she said quietly and started walking towards the entrance, all the while hearing David Rossi's words inside her mind;

So you want to keep running away?

No. I want somebody to stop me, is that so hard to understand?!

But nobody stopped her. So Alex Blake kept running away for yet a little while.

A/N

I apologise that this update took so long, I had a bout of writer's block and then I couldn't get the scene to work - I still don't think it worked out, they felt cardboard to write this time because neither wanted to let me too close - and of course, the situation in the world right now has a bigger impact on my psyche than I want to admit. I'm scared about what's going on, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

But I won't let that get the best of me. I am going to love, play, celebrate, dream and trust more than I ever have before, because these people who hates DO NOT GET TO WIN. Not this time. And please, please keep in mind that these terrorists, true to habit, have hijacked Islam, they are a cult, not real Muslims. Let's not replay Germany in the 1930s. Hate has never worked out before, and it won't this time either. I don't pray to any God, but I do believe in love, respect, reason and order. Can we please show that we're better than these hateful cowards shooting down innocent people, and refrain from turning on each other, then we might have actually learned something from the past.

Also, on a lighter note, I feel like Garcia is probably secretly involved with Anonymous and doing all kinds of awesome stuff to stop terrorists. ;)