DC, December 22, 2004 (Christmas, continuation from last update)
As she walks from her car to JJ's apartment - and she's careful to park around the block to avoid suspicion - Alex feels smirk playing on her lips.
Don't start what you can't finish, Jennie, she thinks. I won't give you as much as a breather tonight, I feel like I could make love for days in a row.
She looks around one extra time before crossing the street, but it's empty. Snowflakes are dancing in the rays of the streetlights. She rings the doorbell and is met by JJ in a short black dress, with all her blonde hair draped over one shoulder. It makes her look older, more mature.
"Hello," she says, smiling. "You look cold."
"It's like two degrees out," Alex says as she takes off her gloves and shrugs out of her coat. "I'm freezing to death."
"Maybe this will warm you up," JJ says as she moves in and kisses Alex deeply, letting both arms snake around the older woman's waist. "Mm. Did it help?"
"Uh-huh," Alex replies and kisses her right back, knowing that this might turn into a making out session before she's even stepped out of her boots, but then the doorbell rings. Her eyes dart to the door in horror, but JJ doesn't look worried or even surprised.
"Take-out," she mouths and gently shoves Alex aside so she can answer the door.
"Take-out?" Alex repeats, sounding more sceptical than she intends to.
"I don't wanna ruin a romantic dinner with my cooking," JJ explains, grinning. Alex nods. She has a point; JJ can make mac n cheese, noodles, pizza and grilled cheese sandwiches without ruining it. Alex thinks the girl might get scurvy if Agatha didn't cook every other day. How JJ stays a size zero is beyond Alex's comprehension, as much as she works out between her carbs-and-dairy-stuffed meals.
JJ pays the delivery man and brings the food inside.
"Italian?" Alex says.
"I know you like the shellfish linguine," JJ replies, smiling. "Also, I got Italian wine, so it only seemed logical to get Italian food to go with it."
Alex laughs.
"Usually people pick out the wine after deciding on the food," she remarks and places a swift kiss on the corner of JJ's mouth. "But you're right. I do like the shellfish linguine. And I do like Italian wine. It's sweet of you to remember that."
"Come here," JJ says and puts the food down on the table, that she has already set, complete with candles and everything. "I have to kiss you again right now or I'll die on the spot."
Alex, who's feeling something very similar, answers by pulling the other woman into her arms, kissing her desperately. She's much hungrier for Jennifer's touch and her kiss than she is for food, especially since they will be separated until after the holidays are over.
Oh God, I need you, she thinks. I don't think I've ever needed another human being as much as I need you.
"When is your husband coming back?" JJ asks and regrets the words the moment they've left her mouth. Oh great, I just had to bring him up, didn't I?
"Are you deliberately trying to ruin the mood?" Alex replies, then sighs and pulls back a little. "On Christmas Day. You will be safely back in Pennsylvania when he sets foot in DC, so don't worry."
"I'm not worrying," JJ says, but the look on her face reveals that she is. Alex raises an eyebrow and the other woman sighs. "Okay, maybe I am. About you forgetting about me once he's back."
"I would never forget about you," Alex replies, softly stroking JJ's cheek with the back of her hand. "I couldn't."
JJ looks her into the eyes briefly and then looks away in a manner unusually shy for her personality. Alex feels helpless; she can almost feel the walls building between them at the mention of James. She opens her mouth to say something, anything, just to break the silence, but before she can get a word out, JJ smiles.
"Let's eat before the food gets cold."
"Jennie…"
"No, you're right, we shouldn't ruin the mood. Not tonight."
There is still sadness in her eyes, but she fights it off valiantly before it turns into tears, and Alex admires her greatly for it. If she sees Jennifer cry, she's probably going to break down altogether herself.
"Could you get the wine? It's in the kitchen, on the counter," JJ says after clearing her throat to get her voice under control. Alex nods and is grateful for an excuse to leave the room for a moment. Her emotions are so raw and so close to the surface, so many emotions at that, it's going to be hard to handle.
No, I won't cry, she tells herself firmly and blinks away a couple of tears before they can escape her eyes and mess up her makeup. When she's certain she has gotten the wild horse of her emotions back into the harness that is her self-control, she grabs the bottle of wine and returns to the living room. Jennifer turns around and smiles at her, and Alex can't help herself. She puts the bottle down on something - she has no idea what, a bookshelf perhaps, it's not important - and reaches for her lover with both hands, as if she's drowning and Jennifer is the only safe port she's ever known. JJ allows herself to be pulled into the older woman's arms and responds to her kisses as if there is no tomorrow. And for their love affair, there might not be.
I love her, JJ thinks as the tip of Alex's tongue traces her upper lip, teasing her. Oh God, I love her.
She has to mentally twist her arm to keep the declaration of love from spilling out of her; she has a feeling Alex's reaction won't be a thrilled one, and in the back of her mind she asks herself what this affair truly is to her professor. A reckless game, just a pastime, or is there more to it? She wants to believe the latter, but she's not sure. Alex's eyes, usually so expressive, sometimes glaze over and the windows to her soul turns into mirrors that reveals nothing of what's going on behind them.
"Let's go to bed," Alex murmurs against her mouth.
"Dinner's gonna get cold…"
"Then we'll heat it up. Come," Alex begs and takes JJ's hand, gently lacing their fingers together. This time it's her turn to guide the younger woman, and JJ has no objections; she follows her teacher to the bedroom and loses herself in her touch. Dinner may get cold, but their embrace is anything but, and as they're making love, the ghost of James leaves their minds and doesn't return for the reminder of the evening… or night.
I love her, Alex thinks as JJ comes from the touch of her fingers. I can never tell her, but I do.
DC, Blake's residence, Christmas Eve 2004
It's a good thing Alex isn't armed at home, otherwise she might have shot her own husband. She's busy decorating the tree and doesn't hear the key turn in the door. James, apparently so eager to see her he doesn't bother taking off his coat or shoes, sneaks up behind her. It's still one day early for him to arrive, so she doesn't expect him, doesn't have the slightest inkling that he's nearby (how's that for female intuition?), and when strong arms suddenly grab her around the waist, she screams out loud and reaches for a holster she's not wearing.
"Get the fuck off me!" she yells as she's swirling around, and James backs off with a sheepish, yet stupidly amused, look on his face and his hands in the air.
"Aww, that's what you tell your husband after he's been away for months?" he laughs. "Sorry I scared you."
"Jesus, James! Never sneak up on me like that!"
"Noted. I'm sorry. Now will you give me a kiss, or should I go outside and come back in again?"
She's angry with him - no, actually, she's furious - and she doesn't want to admit to herself that a great deal of that anger is relief. What if she had brought Jennifer here? What if she still would have been around? What if they had been decorating the tree together… possibly not fully dressed…?
She blushes fiercely and purses her lips.
"Aw come on Alex, I said I was sorry," James says and now he almost sounds whiny. Alex thinks about how typical that is for most men she knows; they do something thoughtless and hurtful, and then paint themselves as the victim if you don't forgive them right away.
The next moment she feels horribly ashamed for thinking like that. Who's hurting who here, anyway? Oh God, James, we really messed up, she thinks and swallows her anger in one huge nauseating gulp.
"You scared me, that's all," she says in a much softer voice. "Sorry. Welcome home, o stranger from far away," she continues, finding her rhythm more and more with each word, and by the time she finishes the sentence, she's smiling. It's a weak smile, but it comes with the greatest of efforts, and he returns it.
"Come here," he says and holds out his arms, and Alex walks into his embrace and leans her head against his chest, and she falters. This is her husband, this is the man she chose to marry, and she loves him. She really does.
But does she love him enough?
She looks down at the floor and notices the puddle of melted snow around his shoes. It brings back a memory and she laughs out loud. James holds her away from his body and gives her a curious look.
"What's so funny?" he asks, and she nods at the puddle.
"Do you remember that skiing vacation we went on, on our first anniversary?"
"No!" James says with conviction. "I have never heard of it, it never happened."
Alex is still laughing.
"All the teasing you subjected me to because I fell in the easy slope and twisted my ankle."
"At least be fair now; I carried you back to the cabin like a true He-man."
"You used to work out then," she tosses back before continuing; "and the cabin roof was leaking, and I was on the couch telling you over and over to wipe up the puddle…"
"Shut up," he says, but he too is chuckling now.
"…and then you slipped in the puddle and twisted your ankle."
"Knock it off, honey. By the way, you don't think I could still carry you?"
"I think you should mop up the puddle before you even try," Alex replies, snatches a candy stick from the tree and shoves it into his mouth when he opens it to protest. She pats him on the cheek and returns to the Christmas tree.
"Ah, it's good to be home where nobody pushes me around," James says with a healthy amount of sarcasm in his voice (and the candy stick still in his mouth), and goes to take his coat and shoes off and get that mop. Alex can't help smiling at how easy they got back into their respective roles. Maybe this Christmas won't be as hard to get through as she feared. As long as James doesn't notice the hicky JJ accidentally put on her inner thigh. It's not exactly a place where you'd usually get a bruise from just bumping into things.
She hangs the last of the ornaments in the tree just as James returns after putting the mop back. He smiles and holds out his arms.
"Let's try that one again. Honey, I'm home."
She gives him a kiss. It's far less passionate than the kisses she shared with Jennifer last night, but he doesn't know that.
"How was your day?"
"Oh, you know… things to do and lives to save."
"Not today, I bet. Unless you had to make an emergency stop and save some lives on your way from the airport," Alex replies and he chuckles and kisses her again, deeper than he has in at least a year, maybe longer. Her heart flutters and she closes her eyes and loses herself into the kiss.
When he lifts her up, she doesn't object. This is something JJ can't do; she can't make Alex feel like a girl, and as much as the FBI agent likes to be tough, as much as she was hardened by growing up with two brothers, there is still that streak of a wide-eyed Disney princess waiting for her prince in her, too.
"I'm going to carry you to bed and show you just how much I've missed you, Mrs Doctor Agent Blake," he says.
"Oh dear, you can't carry me all the way to bed," Alex squeaks.
"Watch me!"
She shrieks, half from terror and half from delight, as he proves he's good as his word.
"Why so melancholic?" James asks and rubs her shoulders.
Now he notices, she thinks and shakes her head.
"It's nothing."
"That time of the month?" he asks.
We just had sex, I think you would have noticed if it was, Alex thinks and shakes her head a second time.
"No, I'm just thinking."
"Well, would you mind thinking while lying down next to me?" he whispers. "I haven't touched you in months, it would be nice to hold you again, you know, pretend that we're actually married."
She relents and rolls over on the side, into his arms.
"I've been doing some thinking too," he says.
"Oh?"
"What would you say we give parenthood another shot?"
She is very still.
"You're not saying anything."
"No, James. We already talked this through, I still have the same opinion."
"Are you sure? You'll be thirty-nine in January…"
"I know how old I am, thank you."
"… all I'm saying is that this might be our last chance."
She turns around to face him.
"You talk like it's a career move," Alex says. "It's a little bit more to it than that."
"Of course, but what if we wake up one day and regret that we didn't try?"
Alex has no response to it, because she has been wondering the same thing herself. But she doesn't believe in having children because she might regret not having them one day, if she doesn't want them now. One thing her mother told her when she was much younger was "don't have children just because you want grandchildren. If you want children, you need to want them." It was almost as if Alex's mother had known her daughter would battle this question, and that she wouldn't be around to guide her.
"But you're sure?" James says. He doesn't mean to push her, she knows that, but she still feels pushed.
"Yes, I've already told you. I'm sure. If you so desperately want children, maybe you should marry another woman," she says, and to her horror she realises that she sounds like she's sulking. She gets back up into a sitting position again, crossing her arms across her naked breasts as if she's freezing.
"Calm down," James says. "I'm just making sure. I don't want to marry another woman. What is the matter with you, Alex? You've been acting weird all day."
Alex, on the verge of tears, says the first thing that comes to mind, and it's not even a lie;
"I miss my mom."
It's not that odd a thing to say, given that Mrs Miller passed away just after the holidays which always makes Alex think of her more than usual around this time of year, and she does miss her mother more than usual this particular year. As the only girl in a family with three children, she had a special bond with her mother, they could talk about anything. Right now Alex wishes she could just break down and cry and hear her mother's soothing voice telling her everything would be alright. In reality, nothing will be alright, and Alex knows this just too well. The tears start to spill over and she makes a final, and failing, attempt to hold back the resulting sob.
"Oh, honey," James says and gives her a clumsy hug. He's utterly confused, she is never this emotional, not to mention cryptic. "It's going to be okay. Don't cry. Please, Alex, don't cry."
"Sorry," she says, sniffling and wiping her eyes. "It just…"
"You don't have to explain yourself," James says and gives her a quick kiss. It's obvious he has no idea how to handle her when she's acting like this; he's used to her being a composed and in control woman and not this emotional mess. In fact, Alex doesn't know how to handle herself when she's acting like this either. It's a new for them both, and neither do a very good job of it.
"I'm sorry, James," she repeats quietly and hides her face in his shoulder.
"It's okay. Don't worry."
She knows that once she gets over this little crying fit, James will move on and chalk it up to either hormones or the holiday blues, or perhaps a combination. He'll be able to shrug it off and move on just noticing it as one of those weird incidents that there is no explanation for. Usually she'd feel like he doesn't take her feelings seriously, but this time she's grateful for his natural ignorance.
"Sweetheart, I think we need a scotch," James says after about a minute of silence, and kisses her in the back of her neck before he swings his legs over the edge of the bed.
"Good idea," Alex agrees and reaches for her blouse and panties. She's tired and confused and her inside is in turmoil, and the only thing she's absolutely sure of is that a scotch would taste wonderful.
"Honey?" James turns around in the door. "You're not still angry with me for sneaking up on you before, are you? That's not why you're acting like this?"
"No," she says and manages a smile. It feels rather natural, and his response is even more natural. Seeing him smile like that makes her heart feel warm and heavy in her chest, and instead of making things better, this only makes her feel more confused.
"Good. I have to admit it was stupid to sneak up on an FBI agent. I'm glad you're not carrying your gun at home."
"Honestly, so am I," Alex replies and begins to button her blouse.
"Oh God, I didn't need to know that," James mutters under his breath and disappears. Alex puts on her skirt and sighs.
I know, honey. There are a lot of things you don't need to know, and the question is if I should tell you either way. You should know. It should be your decision whether you want to stay or find something better.
But she won't tell him, and for the simplest of reasons there is.
She's afraid to.
Pennsylvania, early Christmas Day, 2004
JJ is sitting on the couch in her parents' living room, holding a mug of hot chocolate in both hands and staring at the beautifully decorated Christmas tree. To an onlooker, she might look like she's contemplating the Christmas spirit, or that she's just getting ready for a long day of fun and food, but in reality, she's questioning herself and her decision to get into a love affair that has no chance of a happy ending.
"You're up early. Even for you," a soft voice speaks from the hallway. JJ looks up to see her mother, in a light blue bathrobe that makes her look almost like a ghost. "Everything okay?"
"Yeah. No. Well, yes."
"That's a very definite answer," Sandy replies softly and walks up to the couch. "Do you want to talk about it?"
JJ looks away, but nods.
"But I don't know if I could," she says as she puts the mug of soothing sweetness down on the table. Her mother reaches out a hand and rubs her shoulder, and JJ gives in to the familiar, comforting touch and crawls up into her mother's arms. She's not crying, but she's not far from it.
"Person, place or thing?" Sandy asks. It's what she always says when somebody needs to talk but don't know where to begin. It's always easier to break it down to pieces.
"Person," JJ whispers and rubs at her eyes. They're filled with tears, but not yet overflowing. "My professor."
"Ah," Sandy says. "This Doctor Blake that you've spoken of so much this semester, am I right?"
"You're scaring me a little, mom."
Sandy chuckles.
"I know, sweetie. What about her?"
"It's really complicated," JJ says and hides her face into her mother's bathrobe. It smells faintly of the same perfume Sandy has always used, along with some night lotion and shampoo, and all the familiar scents combined makes her feel safe and protected.
"I have a feeling you're not talking about classes or grades now," Sandy mumbles against her hair.
"No. I think I'm in love with her."
"And I think you're right about that," Sandy replies, her voice so soft it even rivals Alex's. "It's okay, Jennifer. You don't choose who's going to touch your heart."
"But why did it have to be her?" JJ replies, and by this point she is crying. Quietly (if ever there was a pretty cryer, Jennifer Jareau was her) but she takes no comfort in this because the tears hurt just as much no matter how quiet they are or how aesthetic they look.
"I don't know, sweetie. Does she know how you feel about her?"
"It's… a bit more than just that," JJ replies and withdraws a little. Sandy reads her daughter like an open book, and she has to take great care not to lash out at the teacher leading her child astray like this, no matter how well she knows Jennifer can make her own decisions. Nobody, man or woman, should ever be responsible for the tears on her baby's face. But she manages to hold her own reaction back. Jennifer needs her, and she won't be of much use if she lets her own feelings get the best of her now.
"You have a relationship." It's not a question, but JJ nods anyway. "Is she already with someone? Is that why you're upset?"
"She's married, to a man."
"Has she promised you she'll leave him for you?" Sandy can't really keep back the Mama Bear persona there, but JJ gives her a brief smile. It's a pained smile, but at least it's a smile, and it's strangely amused in all its despair.
"No. She's never given me any promises of any kind."
Sandy releases a breath of relief. At least this Doctor Blake seems to have some sense of dignity in spite of all things. Sandy is a smalltown girl who never made it out of the smalltown, but she's not stupid and she's not narrow-minded. She knows that sometimes you have to crash hard to learn how high your wings can carry you, and sometimes you need a no-strings-attached love affair with someone you can't actually have to learn where love can take you - and where it can't. She can't claim to be surprised that Jennifer has turned her eye towards women; those signs were there since the girl was in elementary school. By the time she reached High School it was pretty clear to both Sandy and Frank that their daughter liked both guys and gals, but it never seemed to be a problem.
It still isn't. Heartache is part of life, and not even Miss America herself is immune to a couple of love stories gone wrong. Sandy knows she could (and probably should) turn on this professor who seduced her innocent daughter, but she can't be entirely sure JJ is the innocent part here either. Oh, sure, she looks like the most innocent girl you can find, but Sandy knows that if JJ finds something she wants, she won't stop until she gets it. Smalltown girl complex and initial shyness be damned. Doctor Blake might actually be the one in the deepest peril here.
"Where are you going from here?" Sandy asks her only still living daughter as the sun hesitantly peeks above the horizon. The floorboards upstairs creak as Frank gets out of bed and heads for the bathroom.
"I don't know."
"Are you sure?"
"I only know that I want to be with her as long as I can. I know it won't be forever, but… I don't want to back off yet."
"Then you're sure. Just… don't let her hurt you."
That is an impossible thing to ask, she knows it, and JJ picks up her hot chocolate again, almost as if shielding herself. Sandy strokes her daughter's shiny hair.
"Don't let her hurt you more than necessary."
JJ smiles weakly. That much she thinks she can promise.
"I won't."
"Merry Christmas, baby."
"Merry Christmas, mom."
A/N
Yeah, that was long overdue. I really apologise. I got stuck, and then things happened in real life, and I had a down period where I felt like I couldn't write or do anything at all… bah, useless.
And once I got back into writing, I didn't like the result, and I still don't, not really, so I seriously apologise about this chapter. At least it's not stalled? :P