The Random Megaman Parody Show: Second Offense
By: Metal Sonic EX
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Megaman series. Nor do I own anything else that they might choose to make fun of.
Parody #23
A Parody of Sparticus
By: The Classic series
(As parody begins, the word 'overture' appears at the bottom of the screen. Instead of some guy who's been beaten up, Jaws, Chucky, and Billy Crystal are playing poker at a table. Dramatic music begins playing for a very long time.)
Some Guy - That's long enough, damn it! Kill the conductor!
(The scene changes to an orchestra pit where Bubble Man is conducting.)
Some Guy - You have wasted my precious time! You must die!
Bubbleman - Wait! Wait! Don't kill me! Uh... kill the tuba player!
(The angry mob of people look down at the very fat tuba player.)
Some Guy - He looks slow. Let's get him first!
(As the tuba player gets maimed, Bubble Man sneaks away and the movie begins. As the credits appear on screen, artifacts are shown. Suddenly, something happens and Cloud Man's vacation to Jamaica clips are shown. (i.e. Cloud Man playing volleyball with muscular dudes, him swimming in shark-infested water, him wearing a thong, etc. Further into the credits, roman writing comes up. That is suddenly replaced with a wall that has 'I will not throw Billy into the lion pit' etched into it about fifty times. When the movie actually begins, David Hasslehoff stands dressed as a lifeguard on a watchtower. As the shot pans to the side, two guards are carrying another guard away. The other guard has no pants and a spear in his right buttock.)
Guard - -In a thick New York accent- ...so then I sez to Jerry, 'I bet you can't hit me from 50 feet.' So then he sez, 'Hey, let's make this interesting.' So I pulls down my pants, and... well, the rest is history.
(As the narrator rambles on about nothing, a group of people are seen carrying a large amount of butter. They stop and dump it into a pit that leads to a fat man's mouth. As a narrator continues to ramble on about nothing, a man is seen using an ax on the rocks. Suddenly, while the narrator is speaking, the man brings the ax down and 'My happy sack!!' is heard.)
Slave - Why are we mining for rocks?!? There are rocks all over the place! We don't need any rocks!
(A whip sound is heard followed by 'Ouch kabibbles!' After Sparktacus bites the guard's ankle, the guard screams.)
Guard - Ouch! Code 212! Code 212! We've got a Mike Tyson in progress! Ow!
(Guts Man, after dismounting Centaur Man, walks with a guard to select some slaves. He points to Wily, who comes down off the rocks.)
Gutsman - May I see his testicles, please?
(The guard nods, and Guts Man reaches down and grabs Wily forcibly by the nuts.)
Gutsman - Hmm... no. Too soft. Too wrinkly. This one won't do.
(As the boat full of slaves drifts across the sea, the slaves begin to sing.
Slaves - Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream, drop your pants and start to dance and hope it's just a dream! -whipping sounds-
(The slaves are brought in and Guts Man begins a speech.)
Gutsman - Welcome to the Footlong Weinerus School of Gladiatorial Sciences and TV/VCR Repair. Here you will learn to kill, maim, and set the timers on even the toughest of video recorders. You will learn that gladiators are like stallions. They run around a lot and crap on the floor.
(After some more, speechification, he continues.)
Gutsman - For a certain few of you, if you please me, you will be given the companionship of a young lady.
(Guts Man points to Tengu Man, who is wearing a wig and laughing creepily. During the scene where Spark Man is given a sword.)
Enker - Kill me.
(Spark Man shrugs and swings the sword, cutting off Enker's shoulder. Enker smacks Spark Man with his good hand.)
Enker - I said 'Kill me'. Not 'wound me'.
(While Spark Man washing himself in a trough, Shade Man speaks.)
Shademan - Enker occasionally booty-rapes a person as an example. I think he's picked you. Better watch your back.
(When Roll enters Spark Man's cell, he jumps to his feet.)
Sparkman - Hot diggity! Spark Man's a virgin no more!! Show me dem titties!
(As Roll is about to pull her shirt off, Guts Man and Enker begin laughing. Spark Man glares up and Guts Man shrugs.)
Gutsman - What? Can't we watch?
(Enker puts his face further toward the grate they're looking through.)
Enker - Show me dem titties!
Sparkman - Hey, that's my line!
(When Enker and Guts Man leave, Spark Man screams 'I'm not an animal!' before taking a dump in his hand and throwing it through the grate. The turd then lands on his head.)
Sparkman - Well, this is crap.
(Spark Man looks slowly towards the camera.)
Sparkman - Damn audience.
(The shot goes to slaves training with a rotating training dummy. Other slaves are then seen training with rotating sticks that they must jump over and duck under. The shot then goes to several slaves on a merry-go-round.)
Slaves - Wheeeee!!!
(The shot changes to the slaves swinging their swords in unison. Suddenly, they grab a partner and begin dancing as someone pulls out a banjo and begins playing square-dancing music. Then, Spark Man and Enker are sparring and Enker knocks Spark Man down. Enker picks up Spark Man's sword and throws it accidentally into his hand. Spark Man then begins to hold back a loud scream. Enker, after painting Spark Man red, blue, and yellow, picks up a green paint brush.)
Enker - And this is where you hit your opponent to really piss them off. Here...
(Enker paints on Spark Man's face.)
Enker - ...and here.
(He then paints on Spark Man's groin. A voice then comes from the back of the crowd of slaves.)
Slave - So, what does the brown paint signify?
Enker - Brown paint? I don't have any... oh. Note: triple-bean burritos are not recommended before the day of battle. Any questions?
(When back in his cell, Spark Man is looking up and, for some reason, crap falls onto his face.)
Sparkman - I repeat...
(The door to Spark Man's cell opens and Roll is standing there. Enker then stops her from entering.)
Enker - Not today. This one goes to Crazy Ted's room. Have a good night's masturbation, Sparky.
(Spark Man's door shuts and he begins walking around. Suddenly, he hears something coming from the room next to him.)
Crazy Ted - Oh yeah! Come to Crazy Ted! Yeehaw! Ride'em cowboy!
(Spark Man shudders and lies down on the floor in a fetal position. The slaves sit down in a line for mealtime. Roll then passes out bags of McDonalds to each of the slaves.)
Slave - Oh, man! McNuggets again? Can't we get some BK up in this bitch?
(Guts Man is getting shaved as Ice Man tells him that Biggus Lippus Negrus is coming.)
Gutsman - What? Negrus? Here? Quickly! Fetch my pink dress! The one with the chiffon! And the plastic tiara! With the glitter! Oh, and fetch the best wine we have! Actually, fetch the second best! Oh, screw it. Just give them some Budwieser and tell them it's a '96.
(Guts Man then begins kissing and dry-humping a statue of some random fat person. Then, Guts Man speaks to Napalm Man.)
Gutsman - We can't have the fighters kill each other. It would lower morale and be... very expensive.
Napalmman - Well, name your price.
(Guts Man looks around then leans in.)
Gutsman - Um... 13 donkeys and a copy of Richard Simmons Sweatin' To The Oldies. And... um... does your wife like to...
Napalmman - Going too far there.
Gutsman - Okey-dokey.
(Later, in the gladiators' quarters, Enker yells down to them.)
Enker - All gladiators report to the training area. Some visitors want to admire your peckers!
(Spark Man takes his pants off.)
Sparkman - Not again...
(Plant Man looks through the slaves.)
Plantman - What's wrong with that one? He's got three legs!
Gutsman - Um... that's not a leg.
Plantman - Ooh! I'll take him!
(While making their selection, Star Man goes up and points to a man.)
Starman - I want the nigger.
(A.N. The preceeding word and any offensive words that are upcoming are still purely for comedic purposes.)
(Plant Man talks to Guts Man.)
Plantman - Does our selection-making bore you?
Gutsman - Why no. In fact, I've got a huge boner as we speak.
(After serving some wine, Roll 'accidentally' breaks the jug over Elecman's head.)
Roll - Oh, I'm so sorry. It was an accident. Here, let me clean it up.
(Roll then picks up a large stick and begins beating Elecman over the head several times.)
Roll - You know what gets out wine stains? Fire.
(Roll picks up a torch and lights Elecman on fire.)
Roll - I really should be more careful.
(Plant Man hands Elecman a medallion. Elecman cracks a very creepy smile and speaks in a bizarre and creepy voice)
Elecman - I don't know how I shall ever repay you. Well, I could repay you in feet. I collect feet.
(Spark Man and three others are in a box in preparation for battle. After several minutes of silence, Spark Man opens his mouth.)
Sparkman - So, how about them Yankees?
(More silence. After the dead gladiator is dragged away, cheerleaders run into the arena and began dancing for a halftime show. As Bass climbs the wall, the guard jumps down and notices a transparent dartboard on Bass' back before throwing the spear. As Spark Man lays in his cell, he hears footsteps overhead. Suddenly, music begins playing and Spark Man begins singing 'Somewhere Over The Rainbow'.)
Sparkman - Somewhere over the rain-
Tenguman - Shut up!
(Tengu Man throws a rock at Spark Man, nailing him in the forehead. During the slaves/ guards fight, Spark Man shoves Enker's head into a pot of stew.)
Enker - No! So much flavor! -drowning noises-
(As Spark Man climbs the fence to escape, the guards begin throwning random items at him. (i.e., a spear, a rock, a stick, a cat, a TV, a watermelon, Michael Jackson, etc.)
Michael Jackson - Eeee-hee!
(During the big fight scene, Spark Man holds a newspaper up to his face. On the newspaper, it reads 'Do Criminals Read Newspaper? Our Experts Say No.' A guard runs up.)
Sparkman - -lifts up newspaper and points- They went that way.
(After some boring crap, Napalm Man is walking down a hallway lined with columns. In the background, people are jumping off of a diving board and into the water. After Elecman tells Napalm Man that he's leaving, Napalm Man speaks.)
Napalmman - Goodness gracious gee willikers great shizel gizem gar Batman!
(During Spark Man's speech, Spark Man yells.)
Sparkman - What are we gonna be? A group of drunken idiots?
Clyde - Hey, it worked for the democratic party!
(The crowd roars in agreement. After a long speech from Spark Man, a Clyde yells.)
Clyde - Sparktacus is right! Elton John really is gay!
(Everyone then begins to hurry for their horses to move on. After riding for a while, Spark Man and his group come across a group of hippies.)
Sparkman - You lot! Come with us! We're off to fight the Romans!
(One hippie stands up.)
Hippie - Whoa! Whoa! Fight? Major uncool man! Can't we just have a big sit-in and smoke some pot?
Sparkman - On second thought, don't call us, we'll call you.
(The group of slaves rides away as the hippie sits down and takes a large puff of his joint.)
Hippie - Duuuuuuude... people on horses... I'm trippin' here, man.
(After declining the hippies, Roll appears out of a huge cloud of smoke. Spark Man rides closer to her. Roll looks very high.)
Roll - Howdy, Mr. Alien Dude. Could you give me a ride on your magical horse-ship?
(While talking with Roll, Spark Man begins laughing.)
Roll - I jumped out of the cart...
(Spark Man roars with laughter.)
Roll - ...and Guts Man was so fat...
(Spark Man nearly dies of laughter.)
Roll - ..that he couldn't catch me... What's so funny?
(Spark Man stops briefly.)
Sparkman - The French! They smell funny!
(Elsewhere, Guts Man and Auto are talking.)
Auto - Don't just stare at those birds. Eat them. There's no need to be on your best behavior here.
(Guts Man then picks up the table and slides the food into his mouth.)
Gutsman - -muffled- Thank you.
(He then belches loudly, farts, and throws a chicken drumstick at a random servant.)
Gutsman - -muffled- MORE BOOZE!!
(Guts Man and Auto talk about Roll.)
Gutsman - But, Tobaccus, she is not your type. She is very thin, and she...
Auto - Look around you. You will see women of all sizes...
(Suddenly, a 300-pound women walks by, causing earthquakes with each footstep.)
Auto - ...and shapes.
(The shot then goes back to Tengu Man, who is still wearing the creepy wig.)
Gutsman - Ew... why do you keep that one around?
Auto - He makes me laugh.
(Napalm Man is taking a bath and Ice Man is scrubbing his back.)
Napalmman - Tell me, Hepatitus, do you steal?
Iceman - No, Master.
Napalmman - Do you lie?
Iceman - Uh, no, Master.
Napalmman - Do you ever dishonor the Gods?
Iceman - No, Master.
Napalmman - Have you ever seen a grown man take a dump on a woman's chest?
Iceman - Uh... no, Master.
Napalmman - Are you suuuure?
Iceman - Um... yes, I'm sure.
Napalmman - Well, there's a first time for everything.
Iceman - Mas...ter?
(Napalm Man stands up.)
Napalmman - Fetch my robe. You're about to get a lesson in poontang.
(Iceman looks disturbed.)
Iceman - Uh... okay, Master. -shudder-
(Napalm Man puts on his robe and walks to a window.)
Napalmman - Look, Hepatitus. Out that window across the river. That is Los Angeles. The power, the beauty, and the terror of L.A. Never go there, Hepatitus. Never. Now, to the right, is Rome. Much better place. Gaze at it. Pretend it is a beautiful woman. I want you to want to give Rome a good old-fashioned humping.
(On Vesuvius, Spark Man rides a horse to check on Roll. She is washing two kids, but when one starts screaming, she grabs it and holds its' head underwater. Spark Man asks Ice Man what he did as a servant.)
Iceman - I was a singer of songs. I can also juggle and perform feats of magic.
Sparkman - Magic, eh? Well, maybe when we're in battle you can pull a rabbit out of your ass and throw it at the Romans.
Iceman - Sounds like a plan.
Sparkman - What?
(During training, three people slash a watermelon in half with a sword. Bass suddenly sneaks up, grabs the melon, and runs off before the fourth person can slice it in half. Ice Man stands in front of a large fire.)
Iceman - I need one volunteer, man or woman.
Random Guy - Can it be both?
(Ice Man hands Roll an egg.)
Iceman - Hit it against the rock, gently.
(Roll takes the egg and smashes it against the rock, sending bird guts flying everywhere.)
Random Guy - Sing us a song, Hepatitus!
Iceman - Alright. Here's a little number from my childhood.
(Ice Man clears his throat.)
Iceman - Shake that ass! Watch yourself! Shake that ass! Show me what you're coming from! Shake that ass!
(After Ice Man is finished, Spark Man raises an eyebrow.)
Sparkman - Where'd you learn that song, Hepatitus?
Iceman - My father taught it to me. Right before the crips put a cap in his ass.
(In a field, Spark Man and Roll converse.)
Sparkman - I want to know.
Roll - Know what?
Sparkman - Know why the goddamn chicken crossed the road.
(After making a deal, Pirate Man tells Spark Man of enemies heading towards them.)
Pirateman - So, you will continue to fight? Even knowing that you will lose?
Sparkman - Hey, it worked for the democratic party!
Pirateman - I suppose so...
(After the big battle, Spark Man break's Elec Man's baton and rip his shirt.)
Sparkman - Take that back to your Senate! Tell them that that's all that is left! We will fight our way south! We will destroy an army you send against us! We will use this detailed tactical plan which you may have a copy of! We will take this route, down the I-94 and heading southeast until we reached the ocean! A more detailed version of our plan can be found on Mapquest! Search for 'Sparky'! Also, here is some McDonalds for your trip back to Rome! Call us if you get hungry! Also, here is a copy of The Waterboy on DVD to keep you occupied and entertained! Now get on your horse and get the hell out of here! Send us a postcard!
(The word intermission pops up and Spark Man smacks himself.)
Sparkman - There best not be anymore...
(Bubble Man walks up in an indestructable suit, smiles, and begins playing music again. Eventually, Spark Man gets into a tank and chases Bubble Man away. After some crap happens, two random people take to each other.)
Random Person - How can this Sparktacus train an army in seven months? We should throw an investigation!
(Snake Man, dressed like Sherlock Holmes, walks in.)
Snakeman - Did someone say the 'i' word?"
(After some more crap, Sparktacus' army rides down a sand dune. People sunbathing on the beach see this and run away.)
Random Guy - This was not on the brochure!
(As the army celebrates reaching the sea, Spark Man converses with his commanders.)
Sparkman - Sword Man, keep an eye on Pompeii.
Swordman - Oh, don't worry. There won't be any surprises.
(Everyone slowly looks at the camera.After Napalm Man gets elected, the crowd yells, 'Hiel, Hitler!' Then, Napalm Man makes his big speech.)
Napalmman - I promise to bring about a new Rome, and a new Italy. And I shall create a new kind of coffee shop called... Starbuckus. And I shall place one on every corner of every street of every town and every city in Italy! Coffee for everyone!!!
(The crowd goes bananas. After Spark man's speech, the army begins marching. In the background, you hear an old Jewish guy yelling.)
Jewish Guy - We're going in soy-kulls!
(As Spark Man stands on mountain, the Ice Climbers are seen behind him. Spark Man looks over, sees them, and looks at the screen.)
Sparkman - Nintendo's gonna have our ass.
(As Spark Man walks through camp, he sees a woman and a child.)
Child - Mommy, when do we go home?
Woman - Well, when a man and a girl have hot sex together, a sperm fertilizes an egg. And that's where babies come from. Now go to sleep, sweetie.
(The two armies line up on the battlefield. The Romans begins moving first, singing as they march.)
Romans - We are tough and we are mean, we're a big fat killing machine. We're gonna win, I've got a hunch, now shut up bitch and make me lunch.
(During the big battle scene, Spark Man cuts a man's arm off.)
Random Guy - Oh, come on! Was that really necessary? That's so unfair.
(As the armies of Porkchop and Lactose run up, a tank suddenly appears and begins driving towards them, causing them to run away. Duing the famous scene, everyone stands up and says that their Sparktacus. However, Bubble Man stands.)
Bubbleman - I am Sparktacus!
Napalmman - No, you're not.
(Bubble Man looks around nervously before making a run for it. Napalm Man takes out a shotgun and shoots him.)
Napalmman - It's about damn time.
Clyde - I'm Jimmy 'Two-shoes' McKraken!
(Everyone looks at him.)
Clyde - Sorry, wrong name.
(After some crap, Napalm Man meets Auto.)
Auto - Where does my name appear on the list of enemies of the state.
Napalmman - Second.
Auto - Second?
Napalmman - The first slot is occupied by Jared from Subway. I did not eat fresh.
(Napalm Man is getting some food for Roll.)
Napalmman - Here, eat. Try the alligator nipple chips, they're lovely.
Roll - No thanks.
Napalmman - -in a singsong-y voice- I've got Pringles!
Roll - Well, I suppose so. Heh... 'Once you pop...
Napalmman - You've got to kill everybody!
Roll - Um... no...
Napalmman - Tell me. Why did you love Sparktacus so much?
Roll - Well, he sucks on my toes and calls me Papa Lumpkins.
Napalmman - I see...
(Outside, Spark Man and Ice Man are chained up outside.)
Random Guy - Guards! Fall in!
(Suddenly, dozens of guards start falling off of random rooftops.)
Last Guard - -falls down- This is so cliché!
(After Spark Man stabs Ice Man, Ice Man speaks.)
Iceman - I love you like the father I never had.
Sparkman - I love you like I love saltwater taffy. And I'm a man who loves saltwater taffy. Mmm... taffy...
(After telling Roll and Guts Man to go to Las Vegas, Roll kisses Auto.)
Auto - Mmm... do that again. Only a little longer and a lot lower.
(Roll walks up to Spark Man, who's tied to a post.)
Roll - Why are we standing?
(Spark Man holds up his hands.)
Roll - Oh.
(Roll hugs Spark Man, then begins punching him.)
Roll - Just die! Die! Die, you asshole! Die! Take that, Jennifer Love Hewitt! Take that, Martha Stewart! Take that, Richard Nixon! Die! Die! Die! Die!
(As Roll and Guts Man ride off, Spark Man looks around.)
Sparkman - I'm... so... ronery... So ronery... So...
(MSX walks up and punches him out.)
MSX - Wrong movie, asshole!
Next time: The Legends series parodies a classic.