Author's Notes:
I want to thank all of you who posted a review or comment. It's encouraging and I learn things.
I also thank everyone who reads this without posting a comment. That keeps me going too!
Here are a few more tidbits –
*Tara never found Maureen's letter, the contents of which won't be a factor in this fic.
*The word "cuz" is a shortened spoken form of "because." Yeah, I make up words sometimes. But I'll try to remember to warn you about them!
CHAPTER THREE
"Tara, we're so glad to have you back."
"Thank you, Dr. Neiderman." Tara had to tilt her head back to look at St. Thomas' handsome sable-haired Director of Pediatrics.
"It's Sam." He was watching her curiously as if he had a question but said instead, "Why don't we ease you back into the routine? This week you'll work half shifts."
Her eyes twinkled. "I can pull my own weight, Sam. I haven't been gone long enough to forget how everything works around here."
"I know but humor me. I'm the boss, after all." Sam Neiderman's smile was warm and welcoming and Tara felt completely at ease. She wondered what kind of reception she'd get from the hospital staff and so far it was as if she'd never left.
She'd been back in Charming for three days and at the end of the week she would see Jax again. In the meantime she would attempt to see Abel, which meant getting past Gemma Morrow. Tara was surprised out of her thoughts by Sam's gentle hug, but she remembered how naturally affectionate he was and hugged him back.
Over Sam's shoulder she saw Gemma round the corner down the hall. She was carrying Abel. Gemma's steps slowed as she watched the other doctor pull away from Tara, and bend slightly towards her to say a few words before he left.
Tara couldn't take her eyes off of Abel who saw her and squealed excitedly as he flapped his plump little arms towards her. He remembered her! She felt a regretful tightening in her chest because he had grown so much in three months and she'd missed it. She moved towards them, determined to follow Gemma if she tried to walk away from her. But Gemma stood her ground, her mouth twisted in a mocking smile.
"Well, well. I see you're getting right back into the swing of things, Doc."
Tara itched to hold Abel. "What are you doing here with him? What's wrong?"
"Routine check-up is all. Passed every test. He's strong and healthy. Aren't you, my little man?"
Tara was disappointed that Gemma hadn't let her run Abel's tests but her rational mind knew the appointment had probably been made long before anyone knew she was coming back. "Have you talked to Jax?"
"Yeah, I talked to him."
She waited in vain for Gemma to elaborate before saying, "I know you think it won't work between Jax and me, or you just hate me on general principle – or both. What went wrong between us before is not all my fault. I hurt him, he hurt me and then we went around again. Reset, shuffle, repeat. That's all over with now. I love him, I love Abel, and I'm here to stay. This is where I want to be. Now, I know you're like a mother grizzly bear on steroids when it comes to protecting family and the club, but Jax and I belong together. I am your son's old lady." Tara paused a beat and glanced at Abel who was baby-talking contentedly with Tara in his sight. "And his son is my son. And neither you nor anyone else is getting in the way of that – the family I am making with them. If you spoke to Jax then you know he wants this too. If you can find it in your heart to accept it with a little grace, Gemma, I'll meet you halfway. If you can't, then you're going to have a problem."
Tara waited for a response while Gemma gave her a measuring stare.
"Nice speech. What was that close encounter about with Dr. McDreamy? He's not just a baby healer. He looks like a baby maker if you know what I mean."
Tara sighed with annoyance. "It was about someone in this town giving me a friendly welcome home. It was human warmth. Do you have any of that?"
"Honey, I don't share my warmth with just any friendly man – like some girlsdo. Old ladies know better."
"If you want to have fun purposefully misinterpreting things and slinging barbs my way, go ahead. In the meantime, I'd like to hold Abel."
Gemma grudgingly thrust the little boy into Tara arms, making him squeal again with delight. Happily, Tara sat down with him on a nearby chair. She felt overwhelming relief that he was truly home and safe. She would look at the results of his tests herself – today. Her heart swelled with love for him, a love mixed with guilt.
"Abel!" She rocked him back and forth as he smiled and clung to the lapels of her lab coat without taking his crystal blue eyes off her face. He had his father's eyes. "I am so sorry that I left you, my precious one. I'll never leave you or your Daddy ever ever ever again."
Tara didn't notice Gemma rolling her eyes heavenward with exasperated resignation. With obvious reluctance she said, "Jax wants Abel to live with you at his house while he serves his time."
Tara looked up in surprise while Abel patted her face. "He didn't tell me that."
"So? Are you calling me a liar?"
"No, but are you one?"
"You're pretty cheeky for someone trying to get in my good graces."
"I'll settle for getting you off my back."
Gemma huffed. "Smart ass. You had this kind of vinegar back when you and Jax first started sucking face. I thought it got squeezed out of you by those heavy ass medical books."
"Gemma, we need to find a balance. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life dodging your verbal bullets. What do you need for us to have peace?"
Abel caught Gemma's attention again and she sat down too, rubbing his arm.
"You'll never fully embrace the life, Tara. You and I both know it. In fact, there's a part of you that will always actively reject it. Jax loves you, loves Abel, and will love any other children you give him and that gives you power over him. If you try to pull him away from Samcro, he might not leave the club but he'll be divided inside and weakened. Look at what happened to Opie when Donna (God rest her soul) developed a permanent hissy fit. He got fucked up more when he returned home to her than when he was in jail."
"She had a good reason for a permanent hissy fit, Gemma. Look at what happened to her."
She pointed a finger in Tara's face. "I was torn up by what happened to that girl, okay? But let's not play a game of pretend just because she's dead. Donna got with Opie after he became a prospect. She knew exactly what she was getting into with him. Even during peacetime, the club is…edgy. So when something goes wrong within its ranks….things can get very bad. That's just the way it is and that's something you should never forget, old lady."
Tara held back sharp words. Donna never thought she'd one day have her head blown off, leaving her young children motherless, just because her man was a Son, and it was certainly nothing to shrug off like Gemma was doing.
"The point is, a woman can be a thorn in a man's skull. I don't want Jax getting hurt or making stupid decisions for the club because he's trying to appease you."
Tara shifted Abel in her lap. "If Samcro business doesn't harm my family, then there won't be a problem. But that depends on Samcro, doesn't it? After all, the club's priorities tend not to be the same as mine."
"You know, Tara, you're cute when you try to be threatening. I haven't got anything else to say about the topic – for now. Jax is a grown man. He will do whatever the hell he wants, no matter what I say, but that's beside the point. You and I need to have an understanding that I will be watching you, Tara. You're calling yourself my grandson's mother, and you know what kind of high expectations I have for any person claiming that position. Oh, and here's another thing: don't hurt my son again. That is all." She reached for Abel and stood up; Tara did too.
"I'd like to see Abel tomorrow."
"You're seeing him now….Oh, don't make that face. You'll have him full-time soon enough. You just got back to your house and your old job. Don't you need time to prepare for this? Jax needs to tell me when you're taking him. I don't – " Gemma stopped abruptly and stared at her. "I don't like this. What appendage is he thinking with?" Gemma shook her head in denial. "Girl, you were born to run. Honestly, what the hell do you know about raising a child 24/7, Tara? And I'm not talking about this controlled setting here where you deal with a sick child on some well-ordered schedule when you operate, hook up an IV and then go home to a nice bubble bath and your favorite TV show. You know nothing about raising a kid."
Tara's fists balled in her pockets. "I know that Jax was indoctrinated from birth by you into a violentcriminalgang – and his membership in that gang puts his life and your grandchild's life in danger all the time! Hardly makes you a role model for motherhood, now does it?" Tara took a deep restraining breath, noticing Abel's serious expression as he looked from one woman to the other. She was just thankful that no one else was presently in the hallway with them. "You just can't resist the insults, can you? Well, I think I've had enough for today. I'll be by to see Abel tomorrow."
She kissed both of Abel's round apple cheeks which necessarily brought her face very close to Gemma's but she didn't give a damn. As she walked down the hall to take the elevator up to the nursery, she felt Gemma's eyes shoving daggers in her back. She wondered exactly how much trouble the older woman was going to be until she believed Tara was fully committed to Jax and Abel. But if Gemma was waiting for Tara to be committed to the Sons of Anarchy too, then she would have a very long wait indeed.
/
Once she and Abel moved into Jax's house, the days seemed to bleed into one another endlessly for Tara. She had resumed her full roster of duties and the patient and surgery volume steadily increased for her. Whenever Tara got off from work, Gemma insisted that she take Abel home even if he was asleep. That situation worked both ways however because when her hospital pager went off in the middle of the night, she had to take him back to Gemma. Tara had to learn how to move Abel without waking him up. The same moves didn't work for every baby. She learned the hard way that only the lightest of touches and slowest of movements would leave his slumber undisturbed. He became highly irritated otherwise and would let Tara know it for hours before he quieted enough for her to snatch a few hours of sleep. She didn't remember him being like this before and worried that the kidnapping had affected Abel in a way she couldn't understand yet because he couldn't tell her.
Sometimes Tara boldly took him to work with her when she was summoned at odd hours, which fortunately he did not seem to mind if he was awake already. If either of the charge nurses, Colleen Rafferty or Da'Shell Stone were there, Tara was in the clear because she liked them and they were in love with Abel and would babysit or arrange for another nurse to do it while Tara was in surgery or making her rounds. It wasn't professional but she wasn't above taking advantage if her need was great enough.
For a woman who was nearly dead on her feet at the end of each shift and who was, for all intents and purposes, a single mom, the situation was the ultimate test of her patience and endurance. In the beginning Tara often returned from work with the same bags under her eyes that she left home with until some relief from the grueling schedule came from the return of Neeta, who had been in the San Fernando Valley for months caring for a terminally ill brother who had finally died. Tara was about to give in and hire one of the women she had interviewed before. She had wanted only familiar hands on Abel now, especially when she was not close by.
In the meantime Tara counted the days until Jax's release from prison, which didn't do much to encourage her because he had so many to get through between now and then.
/
About seven months later…
Jax looked at Tara's bent head and suspected that she was barely listening to him. Lately he didn't feel happy when she visited and it disturbed him. It didn't have anything to do with loving her because he was certifiably crazy-in-love with the woman but…lately he was downright irritated to look up and see her face on the other side of the damn bullet-proof glass. It must be the constant separation getting to him. He was on the edge to the point where any small incident was potentially a trigger for him. When he got shanked and Tara was scheduled to visit him the following week, he damn near lost it when one of the prison doctors said his visits should be cancelled for the next two weeks. It was lucky for Jax that the doc was the sympathetic type because he didn't report him like he was supposed to. Instead he offered him a choice of one of the scheduled visits if Jax could walk without wincing. It took a couple days but he managed to do it. He had already seen Abel the week before so he chose a visit with Tara over Gemma and Opie and it was all good.
It was all good, that is, until he started noticing that he didn't have her undivided attention anymore when she came to see him. In fact, Tara was always distracted now which was a blow to his ego. He wondered if she was tired of waiting for him already, tired of being a mother to Abel while the g*ddamn legal guardianship paperwork was taking so long – mainly because Abel's father was in jail and his mother, presumed to be still alive, was nowhere to be found – two factors you'd think would speed the process along. But oh no. Slow-ass case workers and red tape bullshit were in full effect.
Jax glared at Tara's beautiful hair, annoyingly pulled back in a severe bun. She didn't even wear it out for him anymore. Like, what the fuck? It wasn't that g*ddamn hot outside.
Tara could feel his eyes on her. She was quickly trying to remember what he just said. She was so tired she couldn't see straight and all she really wanted to do was sleep. She didn't like coming to see Jax this way, so sometimes she skipped a visit, opting to write him a letter instead. Sometimes he would not respond, despite his promise, and when she saw him the next time, he'd be moody and monosyllabic and stare at her with a cool guarded expression – like now.
They seemed to be back to square one.
Aside from all this, she noticed that Jax wasn't the same. Prison was changing him and it saddened her to think that it might be permanent. He didn't smile at her anymore and never laughed – not that there was anything funny about prison of course.
"Hey," he said suddenly. "Is there someplace else you'd rather be? Don't let me keep you from it."
Tara eyes flew guiltily to his and she sighed wearily. "I'm sorry. I try not to come when I'm tired like this but I notice you get upset when I don't come." She could tell he was in a particularly testy mood and she wanted to leave right then. This wasn't how their time together should be.
"I don't get upset."
"Okay. You don't get upset. My mistake."
"That's not your only one."
"What do you mean?"
Jax stared at her, brooding. The problem was he hadn't touched her for about ten months. The review board repeatedly denied him all contact visits except once a month with Abel and only Gemma was cleared to bring him. Jax knew what it was. Somebody had a beef with the Sons because they were all getting similar treatment. They were trying to break the club, trying to get any of them to act out so that they'd have to serve their full sentences. During one particular review session when he realized that he would never touch Tara as long as he was in Spee, he almost went ballistic and of course John Cane Gamble, the warden's favorite bulldog, was there grinning and waiting for it to happen. It took all the will power Jax ever possessed not to let loose on that motherfucker's face! He could have gotten at least one good punch in! But instead he kept himself as silent and as still as a stone until they told him he could leave. Maybe he'd been in some kind of shock anyway at the thought that his woman was completely off limits to him. He couldn't so much as touch a strand of her hair for over a year. That was wrong on so many levels his head ached with outrage whenever he thought too much about it. But the Sons couldn't make noise about it, couldn't try to involve their lawyer or any prisoner advocacy reps because anything could happen to an inmate marked as a troublemaker.
So he was stuck. Now, every time Tara came and sat behind the glass his emotional and sexual need for her threatened to get out of control. It was painful to sit there and look at her – only look. After a while hearing her voice made it worse. But he had to see her and hear her. She couldn't withdraw from him now or he would lose himself.
"Where's Abel? Why didn't my mom bring him this week like she said?"
"You'll have to ask her."
"I'm asking you."
"I don't have the answer to that question, Jackson, or else I'd tell you. As far as where he is right now – Neeta has him, as usual."
"That's great for Neeta but what about me?"
"What about you?"
"What about what the fuck is going on between us right now, huh?"
"Jax – "
"You act like you don't want to be here."
"Well – this is a prison."
"Why are you playing with me, Tara?"
"Jax! You've been growing a bad attitude with me for the last two and a half months and today you're in attack mode. The real question is, do you want me here?"
Damn, he needed a cigarette! Instead, he dropped the "phone" and ran both hands over his buzz cut, wishing there was enough hair to grab and pull the fuck out. He leaned back to stare at the ceiling and was silent for a while until he could get a grip on his irrational anger. When he spoke again it was in a controlled tone with a calmness he did not feel.
"Tara, it's getting harder being in here and away from you and Abel. I'm not raising my own son. I'm losing him."
"No, baby, you're not losing him."
"Don't tell me that! I'm some guy in a weird orange suit in a big gray room that he's forced to travel a thousand miles to visit twice a month. But I only get to hold him once. Once a month. And whenever you visit – " His expression became heated and intense. " – I can't ever touch you.I remember what your skin felt like ten months ago – but I don't know what your skin feels like today. Do you understand that? And lately you've had that look – like when you first decided you wanted to leave me for med school. I remember the way your face started to look when you were getting bored with Charming and bored with me."
"That wasn't it and you know it. I was not bored with you or Charming. It was about me, not you. We've discussed this ad nauseum."
"Classic line – 'it's me, not you.' Let me refresh your memory. That Saturday night you came to my room at the clubhouse and worked me over until I was sated and sore and damn near passed out with exhaustion. And that was your plan, wasn't it?"
Tara's face reddened. "Jax, come on – "
"You snuck out and when I came looking for you later that morning your neighbor, Mrs. Cravers, the one with that nutty Pomeranian dog, told me you were long gone, that your pops drove you the train station cuz you were, as she put it, going to be a 'big time college gal.' She seemed to take extra pleasure in telling me that you were a good girl who'd finally shook off my bad influence. Old windbag. Yeah, you told me you were leaving with or without me and never returning to Charming. But what you didn't say was that you were leaving the next day after you fucked my brains out the night before. So yeah, I'm thinking it was about me cuz it was me you left. I remember that shit like it was yesterday, but that's the past – "
"A past you keep throwing in my face!"
" – but what about right now?"
"Right now – I gotta get out of here."
"Why?"
"I can't take this anymore." Tara stood up, still holding the handset, and so did he, drawing a guard's attention.
"Sit down, Tara. We got at least fifteen minutes left."
"For what? More of this? No, thank you." She stared at him sadly. "I'm going home, Jackson."
Jax felt something like panic but hid it as best he could. "Home where?"
"Don't ask me stupid questions. This is a four hour ride altogether coming and going, okay? I have a full-time job, a full-time child (of whom I'm not even the legal guardian, I might add) and a full-time pain in the ass, otherwise known as your mother. Plus, I've been patching up your biker brothers whenever they get into some mysterious scrape, which I don't remember signing up for this time around. So please – "
"You don't have to help the club like that if you don't want to, Tara. No one said you had to. Apparently, you don't have to do a damn thing except find fault with me."
Tara stared at him, loving him with all her heart but not liking one single thing about him at the moment.
"Jail is hell. I get that, Jax. I actually pray for all of you just in case that'll help. On the other hand, provided your brothers don't let someone shank you again – " She had to swallow back the fear and worry she felt every time she thought about that. " – all you have to do is eat, sleep and shit. Well, I'm a little busier than that. So if this place is winding you up so tight that you're going to ruin our time together by being a complete asshole, then I'm not coming up here anymore."
"What do you mean you're not coming?"
"Well, in English it means 'I'm not coming.' I'm not going out of my way, using up my little time off from Saint Thomas, to come here and be mistreated by you. When you man-up and get your shit together, let me know and I'll think about it."
She hung up the handset.
"What the hell? Hey! Where are you going? Tara, come back here!"
"Teller, take it easy," said Pivvens, one of the nicer guards in Spee.
Another guard let Tara out and she hurriedly disappeared from sight without looking back. Jax was almost trembling with frustration and self-disgust and if he could have put his fist through the 3-inch wall of glass without breaking every bone in his hand and adding to his time, he would have.
/
Tara barely noticed the discomfort of the prison bus ride this time since her thoughts were equally chaotic. She felt the same way Jax did about the lack of physical contact between them. It caused a disconnection. All these months behind the glass and without real privacy, they had not broached the more serious issues about their relationship – the do's, the don'ts, and the future of their family of three in relation to the future goals of Samcro and the part Jax intended to play in those goals. To be honest it was almost as if neither Jax nor their renewed relationship was real and she was in limbo. And here she was having given up everything she'd built professionally in Chicago again to come back to him.
The first time was precipitated by a quest for safety. Despite telling Jax that she didn't know if he still lived in Charming when she decided to return, the truth was that's the first thing she checked. If nothing else, she would feel safer just being near him and she had felt safe – for a while. There were no pretenses with this second return however and no chance of changing her mind because she was 100% committed. Was Jax? She hadn't counted on any hostility from him once he agreed to try again and in the beginning everything was fine. Now it wasn't. She loved Abel but she would not have returned to stay without reconnecting with his father. She was in deeper than before but now Jax was acting like he didn't even like her. Well, he had to prove otherwise before she went back to that prison. She wasn't going to write to him; she wasn't doing anything. The ball was in his court.
/
A month later Tara was dragging herself through the doorway at 2 in the afternoon. She figured she could snatch some sleep before picking Abel up from Neeta around 6pm. As she bent down to get the mail off the floor, she saw that one of the envelopes was from the prison and she suddenly felt a little more energetic. She'd been so depressed since the last time she'd been there. She plopped down on the couch, tearing the brown envelope open at the same time.
/
Tara,
I love you.
You know I'm sorry. Why don't you let me say it to your face? Haven't you punished me enough?
Being trapped in here is doing bad things to my head, but you were right when you told me to "man- up." (smile) I have. I am sorry for taking my frustrations out on you and acting like an s.o.b. for so long. You've never deserved that from me.
You and Abel are my life. I want to always be a man that both of you can trust and respect.
Tara, I miss you like crazy and I need to see you, babe. Please come.
Jax
/
Dear Jax,
I love and miss you too. You can't imagine how much! I need to see you as much as you need to see me – maybe even more.
Whatever problems we have, we're strong enough to deal with them together. We're a team. Don't push me away. You told me I was your home and your peace, remember?
I will come to you in a few days, my love.
With all my heart and many kisses( XXX…),
Tara
/
Thereafter, Jax was never sullen with her but there was a wall of reserve that he had from her next visit onward which she still wanted to attribute to the effects of being imprisoned. Tara decided to accept within reason whatever demeanor he had if it helped him get through the remaining months. She was still often tired and distracted during her prison visits but if she had to accept whatever was going on with Jax then he had to accept her issues too. At any rate she did not want to use emotional energy trying to knock their emotional barrier down. They would just have to wait to settle things between them once and for all when he got out. She had enough to deal with on her end, like work both at the hospital and occasionally for the club, mortgage and utility payments for Jax's and her father's house (she was not giving that up yet), and being a mother, for which she had no prior experience and which after all these months she was still nervous about. Tara was finally awarded guardianship of Abel but that didn't mean Wendy wouldn't suddenly reappear and cause problems.
Jax and the Sons didn't have long to wait now for the end of their Spee West vacation. Of course if only waiting was all they had to do, the last three months would have been easy – but they were not easy. Whoever might be out to get them didn't have much time left to reach their goal but it was enough.
Regardless, being on the edge could be their undoing more than anything else.