Remus figured it was around midnight when the silhouette of a house elf appeared suddenly in his bedroom doorway.
Though he'd half expected it, the small robed figure still gave Remus quite a fright, only the rustle of fabric announcing itself before Remus was able to pull out his wand. Heart hammering in his chest, Remus sat up, his instincts honed from years spent living in fear, though the creature before him didn't seem the slightest bit perturbed at being threatened.
"Master Black is having an...episode," the gruff voice spoke before Remus inhaled sharply. Lowering his wand, Remus switched on the side lamp, illuminating Kreacher in his tattered green robe.
When Remus didn't answer the house elf continued.
"You requested that I fetch you if anything happened during the night."
Ah yes. Remus had used the pretense of needing Kreacher's help to set up the floo network between their fireplaces and had, in fact, asked the house elf for his assistance in this matter. He could tell Sirius was probably in a more fragile state than the ex-convict would let on and was worried about leaving him alone. Damn the man for allowing his ego to get in the way despite Remus' multiple attempts that they remain together.
"What happened?" Remus asked, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and grabbing for his coat.
"Master Black took a late supper in his room, then an hour ago Kreacher heard yelling, then smashing. Mistress would never stand for this," the house elf grumbled, smoothing his wrinkled robe.
"This started an hour ago and you didn't fetch me till now?" Remus cried in exasperation, rolling his eyes as he made for the fireplace. The damn elf had no common sense risking Sirius like this. Who knew how broken the other man's mind was, what demons haunted him in the dark, in the shadows of his family home, once Remus had left? He should never have left him alone. Remus cursed himself for being so stupid.
Leaving Kreacher behind, his longer legs carried him more quickly to the fireplace and Remus threw floo powder into the embers before calling out for "Number 12 Grimmauld Place." Stepping in, Remus felt the cold kiss of flames before he was sucked into momentary nothingness that quickly spawned him into the Black family home. Without hesitation he sprinted for the steps, hearing a loud crash from upstairs even as he descended to Sirius' old room.
Trying the door, Remus indeed found it locked and barred.
"Sirius, it's Remus. Let me in!" he shouted but to no avail.
A crash, probably a dish, was heard followed shortly by a cry that tore at Remus' heart. Sirius sounded like the horrors of the world were descending upon him, and here stood Remus, a stupid piece of wood keeping him from helping his friend. Gritting his teeth, Remus pointed his wand and blasted the door off its hinges, hoping the action wouldn't frighten Sirius further.
Inside was a sight to behold. The remains of Sirius' dinnerware were in pieces, smashed against the walls and strewn on the floor, as well as the mangled chair and desk. The bed had been moved toward the door, used, it seemed, to bar it closed, and it now stood at the angle from which Remus had blasted it. Bed clothes and hangings lay in tatters and the wallpaper had strange scorch marks upon it.
"Sirius?" Remus said hesitantly, unsure if the other man was in his right mind to recognize him. He moved slowly, not wishing to startle his friend, making sure his wand was held high and the tip lit to illuminate his features. Only when he'd sidestepped the bed did Remus find what he sought.
"Oh Sirius!" Remus cried, choking on his words as he was overcome with emotion. Sirius sat in a corner, his legs drawn up, clutching in one arm the small owl plush Remus had made for him. His hair hung in tangles around his face and Remus could see he'd been crying. His eyes looked so lost, like he was staring but seeing nothing.
Remus' heart broke. His friend looked in worse shape than he'd imagined, jumping at shadows and unable to come into the light. The carefree, jovial man who played pranks and snogged every girl in Hogwarts was long gone and instead sat an empty husk, full of fear and mistrust. What had Azkaban done to him?
When he spotted Remus, Sirius held up a hand as if to ward himself even without a wand, and Remus could've sworn his finger tips began to glow. Then a small spark of recognition overcame the blank stare and Sirius lowered his hand, shook his head and dropped his forehead to his knees.
Sidestepping the debris on the floor, Remus bent a knee beside his friend and put a hand on Sirius' arm, sensing all the fight had been taken out of him. He wasn't sure what to do, how soon to speak to the other man, or move him from the war zone of a room, what might trigger a relapse. So Remus took a moment, blocking Sirius' view of the destruction as best he could and pushing the man's hair from his face, allowing him to focus solely upon himself. Remus kept his expression neutral, not showing any fear, any anger or pity that might upset Sirius as he tilted the other man's chin up, allowing him to gauge his mindset as best he could.
Damn it, he had no idea what to do. All his instincts drove Remus to grab Sirius and hold him close, to never let him go. To pull him to his body and tell him how much he cared for him, that he'd never leave him alone in the dark again. To kiss his tear-streaked cheeks and take him away from this blasted place forever. But after years of fighting his feelings, Remus was more used to repressing them than actually giving in.
Then Sirius looked right at him, and though he still looked lost, the blankness in his eyes had receded and he seemed to finally completely and wholly recognize Remus. And he reached out for him.
It was an awkward embrace, Remus on his knees between Sirius' own as the other man held him close and Remus attempting not to wish for things he could not have. He raised a hand tentatively to the back of Sirius' head and held him soothingly as Sirius gripped his nightshirt tightly as if he never wished to let him go.
After a couple minutes Remus' knees ached and his mind was heavy with thoughts he could not allow to form.
"Sirius?" he asked quietly, pulling back to see his friend's face.
Sirius looked grief-stricken as he swallowed and nodded. "I'm here Moony."
"Come home with me?" Remus made it a request but he honestly should've ordered the other man. There was no way he was leaving him alone another night. Especially not in this horrible place. He hoped there was no more fight left in the other man. He would drag him out of this house if he had to.
"Yeah," Sirius said, breathing in deeply and Remus sighed in relief.
Remus got up first, wincing as his knees creaked and then reached out a hand to Sirius. To his credit the other man took it, biting his lip as he stood and surveyed the damage he'd caused. Remus didn't say a word. There would be time for that later. He simply lead his friend out of the room, down the stairs, and to the fireplace. Remus whispered his address into the fire and took Sirius home.
Only once they were back in Remus' flat, in his bedroom did the two speak. Remus had turned on all the lights, brightening the place to displace any lingering shadows, before sitting on the edge of the bed. Sirius sat beside him and ran a hand nervously through his long hair.
"Unless you want to discuss it now, we can talk in the morning," Remus suggested,knowing exactly what the other man was thinking as he looked over at Sirius, who nodded thankfully. He was much too tired to deal with anything serious at the moment. "We both need some sleep. I can transfigure that chair into another bed…"
"Can I sleep here with you?" Sirius interrupted, looking down at his bare feet.
"Oh." Remus looked back at the bed. It was definitely large enough for two and it wouldn't be the first time they'd shared a bed. Back at Hogwarts they'd had plenty of sleepovers when one or the other had had nightmares or when Remus had wanted company in the hospital wing after particularly bad full moons. His heart leapt at the idea even as his brain told him that Sirius was only asking for the comfort of friendship. It meant nothing more to the other man and he'd had long enough to get used to it. He needed to be there for Sirius, he owed his brave but broken friend that much and more.
"Or…" Sirius started but Remus cut in.
"Yeah, shall I leave the lights on too?" Remus shucked off his coat and put his wand on the table beside the bed.
"Is that alright?"
"I wouldn't ask if it wasn't," Remus scolded lightly.
"Thanks Remus," Sirius said softly before climbing onto the other side of the bed. Remus kept the bed hangings open to let the lamp light in and pulled up the covers to allow Sirius to get comfortable before he crawled in himself.
Once he got in though, he had no idea what to do. His mind was racing. If he lay face up, it was just awkward, he'd see Sirius out of the corner of his eye. And facing someone in bed was something only lovers did. So Remus sighed and turned his back to the other man. A moment later a warm hand snaked around his waist, holding him close.
Remus heart skipped a beat. Warm breath puffed against his neck as Sirius settled in and Remus' chest ached in response. He knew Sirius needed this, needed a friend by his side and nothing more. Someone to ground him and keep the darkness back. So he'd let Sirius hold him close and ask for nothing more, hoping the other man could sleep through night. He owed him that much and more after all he'd done, or not done. After not being there for him for thirteen years. Remus reminded himself he deserved nothing as his body stayed stiff and awake, his thoughts racing angrily as his friend slept soundly at his back.
When Remus awoke to a knock at his front door hours later, he realized he must have actually fallen asleep at some point during the night. Sunlight streamed in through the windows, illuminating the dark haired man who lay against his chest, one arm still wrapped tightly around Remus who had apparently turned toward Sirius in the night. Remus sighed. He could get used to this, but he'd better not. Oh right that knocking.
"Mum, bugger off," Sirius grumbled and Remus couldn't help but chuckle.
Pushing away from Sirius, with no small amount of regret, Remus pulled on a robe and went to the door. Remus frowned before opening it to find Dumbledore and the wandmaker Ollivander standing patiently on his doorstep.
"Ah good morning Remus. Is Sirius with you?" the elderly headmaster asked.
"Oh, sorry. Yes. He had a rough night last night. Won't you come in?" Remus asked, opening the door and stepping aside to let the men into his small kitchen to sit. "I'm guessing we...he missed his appointment?"
"Perfectly understandable given the circumstances," Dumbledore assured Remus as he sat at the table.
Remus looked to Ollivander who gave Remus an echoing reassuring smile so Remus breathed a sigh of relief. "I'll go get Sirius for you then. Just be a moment," he said before disappearing into the bedroom.
Of course Sirius was still sound asleep in bed. Remus closed the door behind himself before sitting on the side of the bed. Sirius looked incredibly peaceful, so unlike the frantic, horrified man Remus had found irrationally fearful for his life late last night. His brow was smoothed in sleep, long dark hair framing his pale face and deep cheekbones. Black eyelashes fluttered as Sirius dreamed and his lips were parted as he breathed against the pillow clutched in his long fingers where Remus had vacated minutes before. Remus reached out a hand to sweep a stray lock of hair from Sirius' forehead.
"Sirius," he said softly and the other man furrowed his brow slightly. He tried again. "Sirius, you have to get up. Dumbledore's here. With Ollivander."
Sirius let out an indistinguishable grunt.
"I know. You need a wand though," Remus tried again. That seemed to get a reply. Maybe bribes were the best way to go.
Slowly Sirius opened his eyes, blinking twice at Remus before smiling slightly. "Hey."
"Hey," Remus replied with a melancholy smile. He still remembered the night before, though he tried not to let it show on his face. "So Dumbledore and Ollivander are at my kitchen table. Never thought I'd say that sentence."
"Oh. Shoot is it after nine?"
"Yeah. Must've forgot to set an alarm. I can make us breakfast while you go do...whatever it is they need you to do," Remus said, waving a hand in the air in a magical way. Sirius chuckled and sat up in bed stretching.
Remus looked away, attempting not to notice as Sirius exposed the lean planes of his stomach and jut of hip bones as he stretched. There was only so much his robe could hide. Perhaps a cold shower was what he needed, but he had just offered to go make them breakfast. Damn it.
"Could you, maybe...make french toast again?" Sirius said, looking at Remus with puppy dog eyes.
Well a shower was definitely out of the question now. Remus shook his head and smiled. His friend really knew how to manipulate him. "Of course. But please get out there, I have a weird feeling Dumbledore might start transfiguring things in my kitchen if you don't."
Sirius smiled and pushed himself from the bed. He still wore his clothes from yesterday, Remus would have to remind himself to lend the man a change later or take him shopping soon. "You coming?" Sirius asked as he opened the door.
"Yeah, be right there," he replied. Remus simply needed a moment. His thoughts were such a jumble of emotions. Waking up next to Sirius coupled with all the anger and frustration at seeing Sirius so fractured last night. He knew now, knew for sure, that the Sirius now, the Sirius he had pulled from that house and held in his arms last night was not the same man that he'd befriended at Hogwarts, had grown to cherish, to love, and then hate through that same strong emotion. Yet Remus knew he himself wasn't the same either. And it was okay. Sometimes broken pieces could still fit together.
He knew it would never be what he hoped for. Sirius would never think of him in the way he hoped, but he could tell how much Sirius needed him and it made his heart full to be desired even in that small way. He wanted to be what Sirius wanted of him. It could be enough.
Sighing Remus strode from the bed and exited the room. Sirius and Ollivander were standing together next to the table over a large stack of long rectangular boxes that the wandmaker was procuring from his magical satchel. Frowning, Remus wondered where the headmaster was until he spotted him in the corner next to the refrigerator.
"Ah Remus," Dumbledore said, turning as Remus approached him, "Sirius told us you'd be making us french toast for breakfast. I took the liberty of pre freezing your oven mitts."
Remus opened the freezer to, indeed, find his oven mitts there. He shut the door. Sure. Whatever.
"Would you also like some french toast Mr. Ollivander?"
"No thank you my boy, already ate," the wandmaker said without looking up from his work as he handed a wand to Sirius who pulled away as if it burnt his fingers.
Remus looked away and shook his head, telling himself not to worry as he busied himself preparing breakfast. Dumbledore hummed to himself nearby, watching him as if cooking was more interesting than choosing a wand. Perhaps it was to the elderly wizard. Remus didn't want to judge.
"Any luck?" Remus asked as he set plates on the table and Sirius took a break to eat. The three wizards stood in the kitchen while Ollivander replaced the wands Sirius had failed compatibility with before drawing forth a new batch from his bag. Sirius and Dumbledore wore matching smiles of contentment as they ate which made Remus chuckle.
"Not yet," Sirius said around a mouthful.
Remus glanced over to see Dumbledore sneak a piece of toast into his sleeve. It disappeared quickly without a trace. He decided not to ask questions.
"I'm sure we're just on the wrong track. It's strange that your old wand's core was Dragon Heartstring and yet none of the ones I've had you try with that core seemed suitable," Ollivander said frowning.
Remus noticed as Sirius shuffled and looked a bit perturbed at the words. He wondered if they were thinking the same thing, that Sirius was not the same man he was before. It must've been hard to hear that even a similar wand didn't recognize him. Remus took a step closer to his friend.
"I wonder, Mister Ollivander. I lent Sirius my wand yesterday and it seemed to work well for him," Remus said. He put down his plate before drawing his wand from his robes.
"Really?" the wandmaker said before taking the wand gently from Remus. He weighed it in his hands before putting it to his ear. "That is curious! Ten and a quarter inch, Cypress, and a Unicorn tail hair core," he said as if he'd only just pulled the wand from the shelf yesterday.
Remus nodded before Ollivander handed the wand back to him and pulled a couple new boxes out. He opened one and handed it to Sirius. The wand tip glowed purple briefly but the wandmaker shook his head and took it back before trying four others. On the fifth try Remus stared as Sirius grasped a slender spiraled branch and the entire length seemed to glow with faint blueish moonlight and the very air took on the faint sound of a quiet summer night.
"What an odd reaction!" Ollivander exclaimed with a smile as Sirius made to give the wand back, but the man held his hands up and took a step back. "Oh no my boy, that wand is perfect for you. I've just never seen such a thing before, like a memory kept locked inside the wood. Beautiful."
Sirius looked a bit sheepish as he brushed a hand through his overly long hair and tucked the wand into the pocket of his jeans. "Thank you Mister Ollivander Sir. How much do I…"
"Albus has already paid me, no need to worry about it," Ollivander said, stuffing his wares quickly into the satchel and making for the door. "Good to see you again Remus. Sirius. Albus I'll see you soon for tea." And with that he let himself out and the two were left alone with Dumbledore.
"Glad to see your wand found you Sirius," Dumbledore said with a smile.
"Ah yes. It's nice to have one again. And thank you for that. I don't quite know how to repay you."
"Never you mind that. I'm sure we'll figure something out. Now what was Remus telling me about you having a bad time of it night last night?" Dumbledore asked with a frown.
Sirius opened and then closed his mouth as Remus cut in. He really didn't wish to discuss it with the professor before he and Sirius had had a chance to talk it over themselves.
"I think Sirius has been through quite a lot lately and that hell hole is the last place he needs to be. It's dark and miserable and gives me nightmares and I've not spent the last twelve years in Azkaban. So whatever wards you need to place, do them here. And if things get bad, really bad, I promise we'll go there. But for now I'll keep watch over Sirius here. I mean if that's alright."
Remus hadn't realized how he'd squared his shoulders and furrowed his brow until he saw Sirius give him an odd look and then Remus practically deflated on the spot. He'd never stood up to Dumbledore like that before. But luckily the elderly wizard didn't seem to mind. Instead he nodded emphatically and took out his wand, looking around the flat as Sirius and Remus raised eyebrows at one another.
"Looks like you've placed some very complicated wards yourself already dear boy," Dumbledore praised and Remus let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. "I'll just add a few of mine and a couple more outside of course. But promise me you'll be extra vigilant. And if I tell you to run or hide, you'll not hesitate. And if you do go out Sirius," he gave each a pointed look," because I know you will, you'll exercise extreme caution."
"Of course sir," Remus said gratefully. Sirius gave him a little half smile. "Oh one more thing, if it isn't too much to ask. Is there any way to unfreeze Sirius's assets? I'm not sure my allowance will be enough to feed two and Sirius is in need of new clothes."
"Ah, not a problem, let me see," Dumbledore said, rummaging around in said sleeves where Remus was sure a creature who loved french toast also lived. After a moment the wizard pulled out a flat wallet of what looked like muggle money. "Now I don't want you going to wizard shops if you can. Sirius is far to recognizable. Even so, use charms when you go out and be discrete. I'll check in on you soon."
Dumbledore took one more quick tour around the house, waving his wand about before leaving to enact whatever wards were needed to secure the premises from outside.
Remus picked up the wallet full of muggle money and fanned out the bills before looking over at Sirius with a small smile. "Who wants to go shopping?"