Remus looked down at Sirius where he slept in his lap and smiled. It was amazing how sleep took off years and cares from the other man's face. If he closed his eyes, he was transported back to Hogwarts. Back to the common room where they'd sit like this for hours. Him studying, Sirius doing anything but studying, as they'd relax by the fire in overstuffed chairs on chilly fall days. Remus sighed. This was good too though. It was nice to have Sirius home.

He raked his fingers through Sirius' long hair, touching his face slightly as he went. He pulled at one lock, admiring the glossy length. It was hardly an understatement that he was glad Sirius had not made an undue fuss about leaving it long. Remus liked it. It suited the other man, who, despite the years and fears he carried, was still beauty personified. He wonder if Sirius even noticed anymore. The other man used to be quite vain about his looks, but other than wanting some nice shampoo he hadn't seemed overly egotistical. Remus wasn't sure if it was something he missed or not. He brushed back Sirius' hair again.

It was nice to see Sirius had been willing to go out. He'd been afraid that the other man would've been too apprehensive to even do that, as rough as last night had been, but Sirius had ever been the adventurer and he wasn't a Gryffindor for nothing. Still, seeing how easily Sirius jumped at shadows and loud noises worried Remus. He hoped that with time and routine, Sirius would find that there was less to be afraid of than he thought.

Although, Remus admitted to himself, that he liked being there for Sirius, being an anchor for him in his stormy mind. It felt nice to be needed after having spent so much time depending on others. Now the cuddling… Remus almost chuckled but held back so as not to awaken his friend. It was particularly cute but also a double edged sword. Remus hated that Sirius needed that comfort simply to sleep, yet it was also difficult for him. To be so close to Sirius and not show any kind of reaction was close to torture. He wasn't sure how many mornings he could wake up hard, with the man he'd loved since he was a boy next to him within easy reach. It wasn't like it would be forever, he reasoned. And for now, well that's what cold showers were for. Or hot ones if he had the time and could stifle his moans.

Remus suppressed that train of thought before it could go anywhere, especially with Sirius laying there on his thigh. Instead he allowed Sirius to sleep there for a bit before awaking him to get ready for bed. They'd both had a long day and Remus reasoned it was best to tuck in early.

"Sirius," he said softly, nudging the other man gently, running his fingers one last time through his incredibly silky hair. How it was still be so healthy after years of him not washing or brushing it in prison, Remus could hardly fathom . Sirius yawned and looked up, paying Remus a sleepy smile.

"Let's get to bed, yeah?" Remus suggested and laughed as Sirius burrowed in closer like the puppy he was. "Come on. I promise the bed's more comfy than my bony leg."

Finally Sirius complied, stretching and looking at Remus with tired eyes. "Are you going to shower?" he asked.

Remus frowned, wondering as the words. Perhaps Sirius didn't want to be left alone. "Nah, I'll shower in the morning. Come, let's brush our teeth and get to bed."

After their bedtime rituals, Remus turned off all but Sirius' bedside lamp and the two climbed under the covers. Taking a deep breath, Remus mimicked how they'd awakened this morning. He let Sirius lay down first and then carefully took the other man in his arms, pressing Sirius' head to his chest and folding him against himself. This left his chin to rest atop Sirius' head. At least he didn't have to look him in the eye, and it left his lower body free. He hoped this reminded Sirius of how he held Buckbeak, but honestly he had no idea how one snuggled a Hippogriff.

"This okay?" Remus asked, somewhat shakily, to which he got an imperceptible reply which he took as affirmative. Within minutes Sirius was asleep in his arms again.

Remus stayed as still as he could, worrying that any little movement might disturb his friend. His hand ran in soothing circles on Sirius' back and even when his other arm fell asleep he only adjusted himself slightly so as not to awaken him. Even his own heartbeat felt too loud to his ears. Every breath Sirius took was something he measured, hoping it didn't stutter or awaken him in terror. Sometimes he'd find himself nodding off only to start back to reality, wondering what had brought him back, wondering if it was Sirius, wondering if he needed him.

The sky was still dark as small whimpers drew Remus around from another bout of near-sleep. Blinking himself into action, Remus pulled Sirius closer, running his hand along his back in what he hoped was a reassuring manner that would quiet his mind. Though Sirius' body was hot to the touch, his skin was beginning to break out in a cold sweat that worried Remus. When the whimpers turned to muttered words Remus grew more frantic. He wasn't sure what was worse, awakening someone from their nightmares or allowing them to continue.

"Sirius," Remus said softly, deciding after a minute that the situation was escalating. Now Sirius had gripped the front of Remus' shirt and was spasmodically clenching and unclenching his hands as he whispered against his chest. Remus began to discern the sounds, quiet but harsh words of hatred that he'd never heard uttered from the other man's lips before.

"Friendless...traitor...filthy...coward...never been born...just die…"

Sirius continued until the words became a tangled snarl.

"Sirius, Sirius wake up!" Remus shouted, practically shaking the man, completely at a loss.

He was just about to pull away when strong hands grasped him by the shoulders, flipping Remus and pinning him to the bed.

The breath left Remus's lungs as he lay immobilized, Sirius arching menacingly over him. Sirius had his arms secured to his sides with a strength that did not match his slight form. Heavy thighs held Remus' own in place as well and as he looked up past the curtain of dark hair that framed Sirius' face, all he saw were sightless eyes that would not meet his own.

Dark. So much darkness. Remus saw none of the stormy grey that was Sirius anywhere in their depths. Where had he gone?

"Sirius?" he tried shakily when he felt the tightness in his lungs dissipate slightly. "Sirius!"

The other man paid him no mind. Remus couldn't tell if Sirius thought him a threat or simply did not see him at all. He didn't know which was more terrifying. He bucked his body and tried to move his arms, but their immobility sent waves of irrational panic down his spine. Now he was the one in the dark, pulled back to horrors he wished to forget. To dark sheds, locked away, his arms chained so he couldn't move as he transformed, alone and in pain, hidden away from the world where no one would ever love him. Remus' throat grew tight and he closed his eyes only to open them to find that his closest friend was now his shackles.

"Sirius, get the fuck off me," he tried again in frantic desperation, wiggling in another vain attempt. Sirius simply stared. "I'll make you french toast. Buy you a motorcycle. Whatever you want. Just wake up damn it!"

Remus was shaking and shouting by now and not getting any results despite it all. Even stranger he swore Sirius's hands were heating up. Remus shook his head. He needed to think. He looked down at his own hands. If he just bent them slightly he wondered if he could dig his nails into Sirius's thighs. He'd hate to hurt his friend but he really did not know how long this would last and he knew for sure he did not want the situation to escalate further.

"Sirius," he continued to shout the man's name over and over as he strained his wrists, bending them forward to dig his nails through the man's pajamas and into his skin.

"Sirius, Sirius damn it wake up!"

Whether it was the shouting or the pain that got through to Sirius, Remus didn't know, nor did he care, but with a gasp he watched the light come back the other man's eyes.

"Fuck," Remus swore, his head falling back on the bed. Now that it was done his nerves were fried and he was shaking and wondering what the hell had just happened.

Sirius seemed to incrementally be coming back to himself. Remus raised his leaden head to watch as Sirius' muscles loosened their substantial hold and he pulled his hands back, gawking at each one as if they were some strange sentient plant he'd just sprouted in Herbology. But when he stared down at Remus, saw how he'd pinned his friend to the bed, Remus quickly forgot his own woes as he watched Sirius crumple before him.

"No," Sirius cried as he backed up, stumbling off the bed and onto the ground, where he let out a lost sob.

Remus quickly pulled himself together, springing up and grabbing Sirius by the wrists, sitting him back on the bed.

"Sirius, hey come back to me," Remus said patiently. When Sirius refused to respond Remus sighed and took a step closer, standing between the other man's legs as Sirius looked down, his hair falling in lanky strands to cover his face. Remus parted the waterfall of hair and grabbed Sirius' chin, forcing the other man to look up at him.

"Sirius, do you know me?" he asked pointedly.

Nodding, Sirius bit his bottom lip, his eyes glassy as they sought Remus. "I'm so sorry Remus," he said finally, his voice breaking on the words.

Remus pressed his lips together, deciding what best to do for his friend. "What do you remember?" he settled on, deciding to get it out of the way.

Sirius shook his head. "Nothing. Just...nightmares. Of Azkaban. Then I woke up. Over you. I can't…". He put his head in his hands.

Remus pulled Sirius to him and stroked his fingers through his hair. At least it was just a dream, not like last night where the other man saw things in the real world.

"Are you...okay?" Remus heard the words muffled against his chest.

He almost laughed at the absurdity. Sirius was the one with the nightmares from hell and HE was the one worried? "Yeah. I'm not hurt. Just a bit shocked is all."

Sirius nodded against him. "I feel...horrible."

"I bet," Remus sighed.

"Really. I'm all sticky. And sore. And what I did to you…"

"Hey, I said I'm fine. Come here." Remus pulled Sirius up and towards the bathroom. He closed the toilet lid and sat Sirius down upon it. "Lift up your pajamas. Think I may have bloodied you trying to wake you up."

Frowning, Sirius hiked up the material to expose his thighs. Luckily there were merely scratches, allowing Remus to not have to apply his paltry first aid knowledge.

"Why am I all sweaty?" Sirius frowned down at himself.

Remus shook his head. "You were muttering and started to break out in a cold sweat at first. You can shower if you like."

Sirius drew in a sharp breath. "Will you stay with me?"

"While you shower?" Remus held back the bemusement in his tone. "Sure, if it helps."

"I just don't want to be alone."

Remus nodded and stepped over to turn on the faucet. When he turned back he got a stunning view of pale skin as Sirius let his nightclothes fall to the ground. Reminding himself that now was neither the time nor the place to gape, Remus attempted not to blush and turned away even as his memory catalogued Sirius' perfect body, tucking it safely away. He didn't turn back until he heard the shower door open and then close, and only then did Remus plod over to wearily sit himself down on the toilet lid.

"Remus?" Sirius said after half a minute.

"You alright in there?" Remus asked and a moment later a wet hand snaked out the door. Raising a brow, Remus shrugged before reaching out to squeeze it. That seemed to be what the other man needed, at least for the moment.

Only when Remus began to doze off into his hands did he realize Sirius had been in the shower a bit too long.

"Hey Sirius, you almost done?" he said, worriedly. There was no reply. "Sirius?"

Remus hastily opened the door to find Sirius sitting on the shower floor, knees up, his wet hair hanging in tendrils over his shoulders and down his back.

"Sirius," he sighed, shutting off the water and stepping in, completely soaking his pajama pants and not caring one bit.

He stepped gingerly on the wet tile floor, squeezing into the cramped space and bending down to his friend and attempting to wrap him in his arms. Sirius' body was beginning to cool with the spray turned off and Remus watched as the rivulets of water ran down his pale skin.

"Remus?" Sirius said after a moment, his head close to Remus as they huddled there, his body starting to shake. "I'm not alright."

Remus sighed and hugged him harder.

The rest of the night went as well as could be expected. After Remus got Sirius warmed and dressed, they sat on the bed neither ready to say anything until the light of day but both in need of comfort. Remus rested with his back to the headboard, Sirius against his side, each dozing off sporadically throughout the night. Sirius had another incident of sleep talking but it was nothing Remus couldn't quickly awaken him from. Lights and warmth seemed to chase away the darkness and Remus wondered how long it would take him to grow accustomed to sleeping with both. Not that having Sirius tucked against him was a hardship by any means, but it did take some getting used to. Especially when Sirius liked to curl around him in his sleep, as he did now.

Though he was beyond exhausted from being up half the night, his mind was wide awake as he was an early riser and the sun had been up for hours. The only reason Remus had not gotten out of bed was to allow Sirius some extra time to sleep in, but he was quickly growing restless to start the day. And now, with Sirius moving against him, beginning to awaken, he was hoping the other man was soon to rise.

He allowed himself another moment, brushing his fingers through Sirius' hair where he slept against Remus' chest, tucked against his side. The other man seemed so peaceful, it was such a shame to wake him. Warm breath puffed against Remus through his shirt and he felt as Sirius' leg wrapped around him to pull him close.

Remus's eyes widened. There, against his thigh, he could feel the very distinct press of Sirius' cock against him. Though the other man was soft, it was no less arousing. Remus attempted to pull away but that only made Sirius let out a little sleepy moan which of course went straight to Remus' own prick. Damn it, Remus thought as he felt himself harden, wondering what was the best way to get out of bed without waking the other man. He needed a cold shower fast, as evidence by the tenting of his pants. It wasn't helping that Sirius' hand rested on his stomach, mere inches from where his rapidly growing cock seemed to be rising toward.

Holding his breath, Remus grabbed a pillow and tucked it under Sirius in place of himself and made a mad dash for the bathroom. Closing the door with as little noise as possible he turned on the shower and prayed that the water heated up quickly in the old rusty pipes. He whipped off his clothes, throwing them in a forgotten heap before stepping under the spray and sighing contentedly. Damn he needed this.

Remus looked down, past the scars that scattered across his otherwise smooth chest, his flat stomach and narrow hips, to his cock where it jutted forth. He couldn't believe how hard Sirius made him. With not an ounce of trepidation Remus gripped himself, moaning into his own touch as water fell down his back, scattering like his thoughts. All he could focus on was his own need, his own hunger, and how much he wanted Sirius. Sirius with his beautiful body. He'd stolen that glimpse last night, of that pale smooth skin, firm muscles and round ass. And his cock. Remus had almost forgotten what a beautiful cock Sirius had. Even soft, it was a sight to behold, long and cut, he couldn't even imagine how it would be to look upon hard and wanting. What he wouldn't give to take it in his mouth, worship it with is lips and mouth, to make Sirius beg for release.

Remus forgot to suppress his groans. Damn, the walls were thin, he should be more careful. He planted a hand on the tile wall as he sped up, pressing into his fingers, working himself root to tip, watching as beads of precum mixed with water droplets to spill down the drain like his unrequited feelings. He wanted to hate Sirius for this, for making his life so lonely, without relationships, even one night stands. No one was ever good enough. No one was Sirius.

But instead he just loved him. Lusted after him. Got off in the shower to thoughts of him. To his cock pressed against Remus' thigh, the slight feel of the outline and Remus just wishing the other man would wake up hard so he might know what it would feel like just one time. His little sleepy moans that Remus could pretend were out of lust, wishing they were made for him. And, thought he hated to even think on it, the image of Sirius above him. Though it had scared the shit out of him, a part of his brain had also been incredibly open to Sirius pinning him to the bed again. Maybe with less force and more passion.

Remus groaned and jerked his hips, seeking friction, wishing it were Sirius's hands on him, getting him off. He wondered what those strong fingers would feel like, wrapped around his heated skin, tugging at him, pleasuring him, wanting him to come into his hand.

"Remus, you alright?"

With a stifled moan and his cock in his hand Remus bit back a curse. God damn it, Remus thought, these wall ARE thin.

"Fine, I'll be...out in a minute. Five minutes," Remus managed. He hoped to god, Merlin, whoever, that he'd locked the door.

"Okay," he heard Sirius' muffled voice retreat. Remus almost called him back to keep talking. That alone could probably bring him off.

Instead he thrust his hips, his movements getting more frantic as he sought release. His cock felt so heavy in his hand, he hadn't had a moment to do this since Sirius' return. He thought of all the times Sirius had touched him, hugged him, wrapped his arms around him. Every stolen moment of brushing his fingers through Sirius' beautiful hair or glances he wasn't supposed to take but couldn't resist. Sirius would probably kill him if he ever found out but it was beyond him to care. He was too far gone. So Remus fucked his hand and bit back the name of the man he loved as he came, panting and spent, his fingers sticky and his body hot with feelings he wished he never possessed.

He washed the cum from the wall before leaning against it momentarily, sighing and asking himself for the millionth time what the hell was wrong with him? Then he stopped the line of self deprecation before it could take hold, washed his hair with Sirius' ridiculous new products, and decided they actually made him feel about three percent better about himself for some unknown silly Sirius-type reason.

Grabbing a towel, Remus shut off the water and dried off quickly before wrapping it around his waist and strolling back into the bedroom. In it he found Sirius, dressed but still sitting on the bed, his expression unreadable. Remus was beyond caring if Sirius had overheard him. He was just too tired.

"I was thinking of sending an owl to Dumbledore. For advice," Remus said after Sirius looked up at him. He walked to his dresser, pulled out a jumper and trousers before dropping his towel.

"Oh," Sirius replied quietly behind his back. "Yeah, that's a thought."

Remus turned as he pulled on his jumper before grabbing the towel from the floor, running it through his hair to fluff it a bit. "Maybe he knows someone who can help. Or something."

Nodding, Sirius glanced down at his hands, as if they held the answers.

"I'm here to help Sirius," Remus said, stepping closer. "But I can't pretend I'm enough. Not after what I've seen. And I think you know that."

Sirius didn't answer right away. Remus could see his jaw muscles working, the words stuck in his throat before he could form them. He couldn't imagine what his friend was going through.

"Do you think I'm weak?"

That was not at all what he'd expected to hear.

Remus almost laughed at the absurdity of the words, except that he knew that was a real, true fear the other man must have. How, why- he had no idea.

"Sirius Black," Remus said, sitting beside him and shaking his head. "You are the most dramatic, egotistical, beautiful, and often idiotic wizard I have ever met. But you're also one of the bravest. Up there with Lily and James. So don't ever think that of yourself again, you hear me?"

Sirius didn't quite look like he believed him but after a moment he reached out to take Remus in his arms.

"Okay," he said into Remus' shoulder. "I'm ready to get help."