Sirius felt like the worst friend in the entire world. It was the night of the full moon, he'd been back nearly two weeks, and up until now he'd been so wrapped up in his own problems that he had all but forgotten his best friend was a werewolf. There were little reminders obviously-the scars, the grey hair at his temples that no thirty-three year old should have, the fact that Remus seemed overly attuned to the night, the sky, the stars. But Sirius had forgotten about the transformations. What his friend would have to endure. And he wondered what he should do about it as well.

Honestly he wondered if Remus would want him around.

Sirius lay back on the couch and worried at a hole in the knee of his denim. It'd been an hour since Remus had left, supposedly to pick up the Wolfsbane potion from Dumbledore. Sirius didn't believe it. Potion-making was the strong-suit of one rather unlikable greasy-haired git whom Remus had told him was "not half bad" but Sirius refused to believe. It was just as likely Snape was out to poison Remus as relieve his symptoms, in his opinion. Remus had told him to "get over himself" as he'd left and that had been that. Maybe Snape was right. They sure fought like an old married couple.

He hated fighting with Remus. The days leading up to the full moon were the hardest for the werewolf. The anticipation, the caginess, the aching of his muscles and joints. Sirius did not blame him for getting moody. He just hated adding to his problems. Sirius had had another episode last night. Nothing horrible like that first week, but it had still kept them up for a couple hours of the night when Remus should have been resting.

He'd become aware only as Remus had pulled him out from under the bed, his newfound refuge against Dementors in the semi-lucid states where shadows were never what they appeared. The first thing he saw was Remus's sad eyes as he reached out to him, pulled him back to bed, and hoped that this would be the night's only incident.

Fortunately it had been, yet the tension he had felt radiating off Remus' body as he'd fallen asleep against his side told him the man had been up battling demons far later than he had. Sirius sighed, a deep breath of defeat. He wished Remus would let him help more. He knew he was no good with emotions, but he truly was trying. Both of them had their own inner wars to wage, yet at times Remus seemed to take it all- both his and Sirius's troubles-onto his own slumping shoulders, and attempted to bear them both. And it wasn't just the werewolf stuff. Or losing his job. Sirius saw something else, something empty in the other man's eyes. Something that reminded him a little too much of himself when he looked too close.

He hated thinking about his missing pieces. James, Lily, Harry to some extent. His family, all dead and gone. Peter, the damn traitor. He had Remus though, Remus with those same missing pieces. They never talked about it though. Perhaps they should.

After that horrible second night, when he'd woken pinning Remus to the bed, when he'd sat in the shower, terrified that he might accidentally harm his best friend without even realizing it because of how broken he was, they'd both decided to ask for help. Dumbledore had, of course, come to their aid. The Headmaster had an old friend and Order member whom he trusted implicitly that used to work for Saint Mungos. She'd spearheaded a program to deal with the after effects of trauma on the brain, taking from Muggle research as well as magic, and the combination had proven to be highly successful. Though she was now retired, she had offered to meet with Sirius four times that first week and twice a week since.

Remus,conveniently, always found errands to run during that time. Once the therapist had asked if Remus would like to stay and both men had said "no" within the same breath. Sirius wished his friend had said yes. And then each time it was done, Remus would come home and act like nothing happened.

Not that Sirius opened up about his sessions either. They both were there for one another, but it had been so much simpler to spell out in letters than to say in person. Only at night, when Sirius felt broken and ready to give up, would he sometimes tell things to Remus. Things he'd later regret adding to the other man's burdens to bear.

At least tonight he'd be up the whole time with Remus and not have to worry about it. Probably. If Remus wanted him here.

Sirius frowned. He was pretty sure the other man had left early just to get out of the house. To get away from him. Not that Sirius blamed him. It was probably like babysitting. What thirty-three year old man suddenly wanted a mental freak dumped in his lap? Here, he's like a giant puppy but will ruin you for everything, job, lovelife, you name it. Oh and he'll randomly pin you to the bed, cry in your shower and eat you out of french toast.

Sirius was just thinking he wouldn't blame Remus if he stayed away almost till dark when the door swung open. With lots of daylight to spare. Maybe the other man wasn't as adverse to his company as Sirius thought. Popping his head up, Sirius looked over to see that the other man had even brought him coffee. He could tell it was for him because there was definitely a hot chocolate in Remus' other hand almost overflowing with marshmallows.

"Get your potion okay Remus?" Sirius said, padding over to the kitchen.

Remus looked tired. He pushed his shaggy hair out of his eyes and Sirius' chest ached to notice the dark circles under them.

"Yeah, I put it in my cocoa, tastes like mangy Quidditch socks otherwise." Remus shuddered and took a sip.

"I bet Snape does that on purpose. He could make it taste like rosewater if he wanted, that git."

Remus opened his mouth to protest then quickly closed it. He either wasn't in the mood to argue or couldn't think of a good comeback.

"Ha! So it was Snape!" Sirius crowed triumphantly, putting his leg up on the table only to have Remus swat at it.

"I'll neither confirm nor deny…"

"Guilty!"

"My that was a speedy trial," Remus said, slumping in his chair, but one corner of his mouth tugged into a tiny smile and that was all Sirius really wanted.

"So about tonight…" Sirius started and Remus' features shifted back to frown-mode. "No hear me out. I want to be here with you. I know it's been years but please. Let me do this for you."

"Okay."

"Oh."

"What, you thought I'd put up more of a fight?" Remus shrugged, sinking lower in his chair, if that was possible. "I don't have it in me right now. Well I do, but I'd probably punch you or pin you to the bed or something."

"Kinky Moony," Sirius said, raising an eyebrow.

Remus only glowered. "There will be rules. Unbreakable rules."

"Yeah yeah," Sirius said, waving his hand about.

"Take this seri...solemnly. Sirius. Alright?" Remus met Sirius's eyes. "No leaving the flat. No changing back until I do first. You can't let anyone else in under any circumstances. Also, I'll probably be pretty pissed off at you for not being around for thirteen years. If you can't deal with that, and think about it, this is an angry dominant werewolf we're talking about, then don't do this. I will be fine without you. Have been for thirteen years."

Sirius tried not to flinch at the bitterness of those last few words but they still made his heart hurt.

"I SOLEMNLY swear," Sirius said without breaking eye contact, "so stop trying to deter me. I'm doing this. There is nothing you can say to stop me. Plus I can't wait to see how cute and sleepy you get on your Wolfsbane my cinnamon roll!" Sirius said, hugging Remus who rolled his eyes and groaned.

"I thought I was a croissant?"

...oooOO0OOooo…

As Sirius lay, pinned under Remus this time, he couldn't help but marvel at just how in touch the other man was with his werewolf side.

Remus had made Sirius change into his animagus form an hour before moonrise and then leave the room, still unable to abide anyone watching his grisly transformation. So Sirius, as Padfoot, had lay in the kitchen, his head on his paws, whimpering as he heard the cries of his best friend from the bedroom through the thin door.

God he hated this. Feeling so useless, so helpless. Though the Wolfsbane was supposed to abate the symptoms, it did nothing to ease the transformation itself. Flesh still tore, bones still broke, tendons still snapped and everything reworked itself in excruciating evolution until the man was ripped to shreds and the wolf emerged.

When Sirius had nosed opened the bedroom door, he'd come face to face with amber eyes looming over him. Damn, he'd forgotten just how huge Moony was. He towered over Sirius' dog form, twice as large at least and so much stronger, covered in a thick grey coat and a powerful muzzle that could snap bone without hesitation.

Then Moony pounced.

...oooOO0OOooo…

Sirius' chest still ached hours later, that massive paw print felt permanently etched into his ribcage which he pressed his hand to it the moment he transformed back from Padfoot. With his back to the wall, Sirius sat on the kitchen floor watching the sun rise, attempting short deep breaths while Remus battled his wolf in the back bedroom. The cries of pain, the snap of bones, the gurgle of blood, they hurt him more than any physical damage could. He remembered Remus saying he would have traded places with him in Azkaban if he could. Sirius knew exactly what he meant every full moon.

Although it was almost a miracle to see the change the Wolfsbane had wrought. Yes, he'd still been pinned to the floor by one very angry dominant werewolf, just as Remus had predicted, but after? Well afterwards it was almost cute.

Once Sirius had bared his neck, exposing his throat to the other should he choose to rip the very life force from his animagus body, the wolf had seemed appeased. It had let him up, brought his gigantuan nose to the side of Sirius' neck and sniffed him before prodding Padfoot with his snout until he'd joined the wolf in the bedroom.

Then, apparently as exhausted as Remus had been, the wolf curled up on a pile of blankets at the foot of the bed and slept. Or at least Sirius had thought the wolf asleep until one large amber eye opened to watch him. He decided to take the hint.

The wolf wanted him close, so Sirius had padded up to the beast before laying down beside him, head resting wearily on his paws. He felt the warmth of body heat at the wolf shifted beside him, laying his massive head beside his own, hot breath stirring the hairs upon Padfoot's nape. And there they rested.

Sirius grimaced as another cry, one much more human than the last, rent through the air. He only wished the entire process could have been as tranquil an affair. He clenched his hand and hit his head lightly against the back of the wall in a helpless gesture.

Within minutes the horror seemed to abate and Sirius decided to risk a peek. Only shuddering breaths could be heard as he placed his ear to the door, some moans and groans, nothing wolf-like that would spell danger to his own life.

Nudging open the door Sirius failed to bite back a gasp. There was so much more blood than he remembered. It pooled by the foot of the bed, seeping into the cracks and whorls in the wooden floors, spidering out toward him like something alive. Clumps of grey fur caught in it, like strange passengers on a river of death. Sirius shuddered as he stepped in the unavoidable mess that minutes before had been inside his friend's body. The thought was too macabre to dwell upon.

And there lay Remus, naked, covered in blood and curled in upon himself, his breathing ragged, his eyes closed tight as he fought back the pain. Sirius knelt, the knee of his pants instantly soaked in red, and touched a tentative hand along Remus' face. The other man shuddered and coughed up blood so Sirius got down on the ground and propped Remus up against his leg, not wanting him to choke. He held his head as Remus coughed up more, brow furrowed and body spasming as his muscles learned to work again, as the blood began to flow through new veins and pump a human heart once more.

Then the coughing stopped and Remus simply breathed against him, shuddering breaths full of pain that Sirius wished he could ease. He cursed himself for forgetting to grab the healing potions by Remus' bedside before sitting down.

"Remus?" Sirius tried, brushing bloody hair from his friend's face. He used the sleeve of his shirt to wipe at Remus' eyes, clearing them of blood in case the other man decided to open them. He did not.

Instead Remus let out a soft moan of pain that hurt right where the wolf had stepped on him earlier.

"Hey Remus?" Sirius touched his shoulder then his head, then his face again, unsure what to do. "Remus, I have to get the pain potions. I'm going to lay you down but I'll be right back."

Remus groaned again and arched his spine inward as Sirius set his head back to the floor, promising again he'd only be a moment. He vaulted over the bed, grabbing his wand and the handful of small vials Remus had instructed him to administer once the moon had abated. Sirius only hoped they worked faster than the ones from when they were kids.

With a quick flick of his wand he cleaned away what blood he could from Remus and the floor, though patches still clung to the other man's hair and at junctures of his body like his knees and armpits. Then Sirius settled back, pulling Remus between his legs as best he could and popping the top to the first potion.

"Remus, hey I need you to drink this," Remus didn't seem to hear him, "Please Moony, it'll help. I can't stand seeing you like this."

Something must have gotten through to Remus, for though he didn't open his eyes, his jaw unclenched, and chapped lips cracked enough for Sirius to pour the potion through. And then another. Until a pile of empty bottles littered the floor. Then he waited.

Soon Remus' breathing seemed to even out, each intake of air exhausted less effort, was filled with less agony, until even the worried crease in Remus' brow had softened. When he finally opened his eyes Sirius was watching, arms wrapped tightly around him.

"Hey," Remus said, his voice hoarse and rough.

"Hey," Sirius repeated back. "How do you feel?"

"I don't know yet," Remus said, experimentally flexing his muscles. "Sore, really sore, but I don't think I have any wounds. Did I scratch or bite myself?"

"Nope," Sirius said, and he couldn't help but recall it with a fond smile. "You really were tame. You just wanted to curl up and sleep with me."

"Oh," Remus seemed taken aback. "Well good."

"I think you need a bath though," Sirius suggested, "if you're up for it."

"I can try," Remus said, glancing down at himself for the first time. "Well so much for modesty."

Sirius shrugged against him. "You make it seem like I've never seen you naked."

"We were young, it's different now."

Sirius didn't reply. Different was an understatement.

"I'm going to get up," he said instead, watching as Remus slumped against the end of the bed in place of him.

"Show off," Remus murmured and Sirius smirked as he stood.

"I'll go run the bath, be right back."

He returned to find Remus attempting to stand, which seemed like less of a good idea than he'd originally thought. The man's muscles were spasming, fatigued from the transformation and unable to hold his weight.

"How do you normally do this?" Sirius asked, putting an arm under Remus for support.

"Well after laying on the floor for hours in my own blood I usually crawl to my potions, pass out a few times, and wake up a day later. THEN I take a bath."

"Shit."

"Yeah," Remus agreed just as his knees gave out.

But before he could fall Sirius summoned whatever strength reserves he had and picked Remus up, getting to the bathroom just as his own back was about to give.

"Damn you're heavy Moony."

"Hey I didn't ask to be carried like a damsel in distress," the other man said as Sirius gave him a wall to lean upon while he tested the water.

"Trust me, there's nothing damsel-like about you," Sirius said, turning back.

Remus blushed and looked at the floor.

Sirius then remembered that Remus was very naked and that probably fell on the list of inappropriate things to say to your nude friend.

"I mean your scars," Sirius said, clearing his throat. "They're...manly."

"Uh huh," Remus said, shaking his head.

"Now let's get you in the bath shall we?" Sirius said, changing the subject. He let Remus lean on him as he held the wall with the other hand and slowly they were able to lower him into the tub.

Remus sighed as the warm water hit his abused skin. Sirius pretended not to notice as the water began to turn red with his blood.

"Better?"

"Mmm, much," Remus said, basking in the luxury he so desperately needed.

"Scoot forward a bit, I'll rinse your hair," Sirius said, and Remus turned to give him an inscrutable look. "What, I want to help."

Remus shrugged and did as he said. Cupping water with his hands, Sirius poured it over the bloodied strands as Remus leaned back with his eyes shut tight. He brushed his fingers through, working each lock until the water ran clear. Then he did it again. He knew how much he loved when Remus brushed his hair, so he decided this was like returning the favor.

"A wolf could get used to this," Remus sighed, sinking lower into the tub.

"And why shouldn't you?" Sirius said, a bit perplexed.

Remus turned to him and then looked down at his hands below the water. "Forgive me for not assuming you'd stay for an encore of a literal bloodbath, proceeded by carrying around your naked friend after he's coughed up blood all over you."

"You're forgetting being pinned by a werewolf to the kitchen floor," Sirius said and Remus's eyes went wide.

"No."

"Yep, didn't try anything though. You just wanted to sniff me and get me to submit. Then we snuggled, remember?"

"Hmm," Remus murmured.

"Regardless, I'm here for you. And not just because you've been here for me. You could kick me out on my bony ass today and I'd still come pawing at the door each full moon to help." Sirius hadn't meant for it to become such a heart to heart but he was glad he'd said what he said.

"Why?"

"What do you mean 'why?' We're friends. I care. Plus...it's nice to be needed. For once," Sirius ran a hand through Remus' wet hair before catching his surprised reflection in the surface of the water.

"Oh." Remus turned, looking Sirius in the eye. "I get that."

Sirius smiled and Remus attempted one back but it looked more like a grimace.

"Want me to run some clean water?" Sirius suggested.

"Nah, I'm knackered. Just get me to bed, I'll shower tomorrow. Maybe."

Sirius chuckled and got to his feet, grabbing a towel. "Think you can stand or…"

"Yeah, the bath helped a lot," Remus said, using the side of the tub to bring himself to his feet. He was a bit unsteady but with Sirius' arm he was able to shakily make his way to sit on the toilet lid. Sirius averted his eyes and handed Remus the towel, which then just sat in the other man's lap.

"Sorry, just need a minute," Remus said, taking deep breaths like he'd run a marathon instead of walked the five steps from the tub.

"Lemme get your hair then," Sirius suggested, grabbing another towel and throwing it over Remus' head. He heard a muffled scolding of "Sirius" from beneath but decided to ignore it as he massaged the other man's scalp, only pulling off the towel when he felt it would be nice and fluffy.

Remus rolled his eyes as the towel was removed and Sirius chuckled, kneeling in front of him to towel off his shoulders.

"You look like a hedgehog," Sirius observed, pulling Remus close to tousle his spiky hair.

Remus let out a little annoyed snort in response but then his muscles spasmed, throwing him forward to knock foreheads with Sirius. Startled, Sirius thrust out his hand to hold Remus steady by the shoulder.

"Shit, sorry," Remus said breathily, leaning against Sirius' forehead momentarily before pulling away.

"First you pin me, now you headbut me," Sirius scolded jokingly.

"It's all part of the fun of befriending a werewolf," Remus sighed, sitting back. He grabbed the towel from his lap, dragging it lightly over his legs and chest before running out of energy again. Sirius watched, worried.

"Want help with that?" he asked after a moment, observing the water droplets that began to cool on Remus' newly healed skin, sending up goosebumps along his flesh.

Remus gave him a curious look before shaking his head. "Just help me to bed?"

Sirius wrapped an arm around Remus' waist, feeling the firmness of his muscles beneath his fingers as he brought him to his feet. With shaking hands, Remus tied the towel around his hips and placed his arm over Sirius's shoulder before they walked slowly back to the bedroom. Listening to Remus' labored breathing, feeling his body shiver against him, it really hit Sirius just how vulnerable Remus was at these times and how horrible it must have been for him to be alone for so long. Honestly, it seemed a miracle he had survived each transformation.

Once he got Remus sitting on the side of the bed, Sirius searched around for the man's pajama pants. He could tell Remus could barely keep his eyes open when he returned, the morning light played softly in his golden hair as his face was framed against the window pane. Someone should paint a portrait like that, Sirius thought, a study of strength and weakness, beauty and pain.

When he handed the clothing to Remus, Sirius could tell he'd need to help him once more. If Remus bent over he'd probably just fall.

"Let me get your feet in them," Sirius suggested, watching the strain in Remus' shoulders lessen.

"Thanks, normally I wouldn't even bother," Remus said tiredly.

"You sleep in the nude? Moony, you've got a wild side!"

Remus shook his head. "You have no idea."

"I like what the moon does to your inhibitions," Sirius chuckled, kneeling on the floor to pull first one leg and then the other into the pants.

"I think I'm just too tired to care," Remus admitted as Sirius stopped at his knees.

"Speaking of, you're going to have to remove that towel."

"Oh." Remus didn't move. "I've got this," he said after a moment, using one hand to steady himself against the mattress as he stood.

Sirius didn't have a chance to look away as the towel dropped, but he turned away blushing as Remus's fingers found his and pulled the pants the remainder of the way up his thighs. Only once he was sure his friend was decent did Sirius turn back, finding Remus had fallen back on the bed and was now curled up and ready for sleep.

"You might want to change," Remus suggested sleepily.

Only then did Sirius realize he was still wearing clothes covered in the other man's blood. "Bloody hell."

"Sorry," Remus apologized tiredly.

"Not your fault Moony," Sirius said, slipping into the nickname once again. Walking toward the dresser, Sirius pulled out his own pajamas before shucking off his stained clothes to be dealt with later. He felt eyes on him and turned back.

"You alright?" he asked, strangely realizing that was the first time that morning that he'd asked Remus.

"Yeah, sorry," Remus said, closing his eyes as Sirius walked back and around to the other side of the bed.

"Let's get some sleep, yeah?" Sirius suggested, pulling back the covers and climbing in.

"I'm probably going to have more spasms," Remus warned sleepily.

"Don't care," Sirius replied, pulling the other man's back up against his chest and laying his arm across.

And even when Remus' body shook and awakened him time after time, he held him close and realized he really didn't mind one bit.