Trigger Warning - Mentions of panic attacks, so just be careful when you read this.

Losing My Mind Because of You

I sit on the bench and close my eyes, letting myself hear the sound of children laughing in the background. I can hear them playing, giggling and yelling. I try to remember the last time I felt happy. It must have been a long time ago, since there's nothing to really reflect on.

The sunlight falls onto my face and I wince, turning my head to block it out. I open my eyes and my hands clamps together on the table. The leaves from the trees rustle in the breeze. The soft whispers echo in my ears. I can't hear the other children now. The wind drowned out all the other sounds. My hands clench together.

Not again. Please. Anything but this. I can't-

I can't do it.

The wind is too loud. Everything is too loud. I have to get away. I have to find it. I was missing something. Something important. I want to get away from them, from all of this. I want-

I want to feel safe again.

Why? What was wrong? Why was I feeling like this? Too loud. Get away. But I can't. I'm frozen in my seat. The rough wooden bench. Hard and uncomfortable. I can't-

I can't breathe. My heart pounds so hard, it feels like it will explode. Hammering in my chest. Echoing in my ears. Faster. Harder. Louder.

I try and move. My breath comes out in short, shallow gasps. I can't do it. I can't breathe. My lungs don't work. Too tight. Too tight. My heart feels like it's being squeezed. Get away. Quickly. Get away.

My arms lurch. Hand knocks the glass over. My breath catches in my throat as it falls to the ground. Falling. Falling. I wish I could fall. Fall and disappear. Just slip away into nothing.

It's loud. The glass shatters. It shatters against the floor, fragments of glass reflecting the sunlight. Like diamonds. The deadly pieces fly upwards, shooting in all direction like comets.

Too much. Too much happening.

Focus. Breathe. In. Out. In. Out. Just breathe. My breathing is harsh. It hurts. Everything hurts.

There's a dull ringing in my head. Slowly taking over my senses. I can't… I can't-

I can't remember.

I can't… Remember.

My eyes sting. Those are my eyes, right? Stinging. The pain. They fill with tears. They roll down my cheeks, but I don't care. The tears are warm, yet they make me feel hollow. How is it possible to feel like that?

A girl. Yes a girl. Talking. But her words are just noises. So loud. I don't understand. I can't hear her words. Just buzzing in my head. I want to scream, to yell, to cry. But my voice doesn't work. It betrays me.

What is she saying? My vision is blurring, but I can make out a figure. Someone is standing in front of me. What is she saying? I try to read her lips but everything is spinning. I can see blonde hair. Blonde. The golden colour. The only thing I remember. Blonde was good. Blonde was the colour I liked. It meant home. But I…

I can't remember anything.

I just let my head fall. I let my head fall and my tears fall and my life fall. And I fall. My head hits the table. The sudden impact hurts. It hurts, but the pain clears my mind for a moment.

My fingers trace the grains of wood on the table. I can't stop. I can't give up. I have to try.

I barely notice the touch. Someone puts their hand on my shoulder, gently shaking me. I try to respond, but my body shuts down. I stare unblinking. I can see green in the distance. I try to determine if the green was the grassy field or if it were the trees. Who cares. It doesn't matter anyway.

Through the noise I hear her. Above the roar of the wind in my head and the constant buzzing in my mind, I can make out her words. But I can't process them. What was she asking me? If I was okay? What does it mean to feel, okay? Because if okay means feeling hopeless and hollow and empty and numb and cold and lonely, then yes, I feel okay.

I… want to remember…

I want to feel better.

I want…

I want to be where I belong.

Is it too much to ask? Is it? Tell me. Is it bad, is it wrong for me to want to be where I feel safe and happy? To be where I can be myself?

My fingers curl up and form a fist. The light is too bright. The noise is too loud. Everything hurts.

Get away. Please. Just… I don't know- That was it. I don't know. I don't know.

What was happening?

I unclench my fingers and slowly drag my arms towards me. My fingers thread themselves into my hair. I clutch at my head. It hurt. Why does my head hurt?

Why.

Why?

I force my body to cooperate. I bite my lower lip in concentration. There's a sharp pain and I can feel blood dripping. I can feel the sticky substance trickling down my chin. I roll over, making myself sit up. I lean heavily against my elbows, with my head hanging between my arms. I stare at the dark wood. If I look carefully, I can see the dents and marks left on the table. But tears cloud my vision and all I can see is just a dark, blurred mess.

My fingers pull at my curly hair. I pull and I pull until I let out a gasp of pain.

And then I scream. I just scream and scream. I just let it out. I can hear my voice echo, mocking me. The voice doesn't sound like mine. It's my voice, but someone else's pain. My voice is just being used to express their suppressed emotions. And I'm crying. Tears are streaming down my face and I'm yelling. I don't understand half the things I'm saying, but I remember screaming out loud that I can't remember. My mind is empty. Too empty.

The world becomes gray. Just splashes of black and white. It's eerie. The loud noises stopped, but now it was silent. Too quiet. I can't hear anything now. All I'm aware of is the rapid beating of my heart, thudding in my ears. I can just make out blurred shapes approaching me.

I've stopped screaming. I don't know how long I was screaming for. Time. How long? I'm in a spiral of emptiness. Never ending cycle of darkness.

I can't do this. Not anymore. I can't-

I can't feel.

An emotionless void.

Who am I? Who am I? Who? I exist, right?

Then how come I don't remember anything? I try to search my mind for anything. Nothing. Except.

Except for one word. Just one small word.

Annabeth.

Who is she? Who. Is. She. Why is she the only thing I remember? Was she important?

And suddenly, I'm falling again. The world spins. I'm falling. Falling. Falling. Falling all the way down. Perhaps into an abyss. Never ending abyss. But then I feel pain in my back. I stop falling. My hands fall away from my head and land on the ground besides me. The back of my hands recognises the grainy texture. The sharp stones dig into my flesh.

I blink away the dust. I slowly look around with a confused look plastered on my face. How did I get on the ground? I remember… falling. Yes. I fell… off the bench? Then I noticed the feet surrounding me.

My heart lodged in my throat. Too many people. Too many. Too crowded. I can't deal with it.

Somehow, the crowd disappears, much to my relief. My breathing has slowed down. My heart beats becomes steady. I can hear again. It wasn't too loud. I can just make out a female voice talking.

Carefully, I sit up, gazing at the girl in front of me. Blonde hair. Gray eyes. A small frown.

I manage to croak out her name, "Annabeth…" I collapse into her arms. Her arms tighten around me and I cry, tears staining her shirt. I can think now. My mind cleared up slowly.

I don't know how long I stayed in that position. But I felt safe. I can feel myself getting back together, picking up the broken pieces, and trying to fix everything. Mending my mind. Fixing myself from the inside out. Or was it from the outside in? I try.

That's what I've been doing. Trying.

What is my name. My name?

Who am I?

I can do it. It's simple. It's a label. Something that determines who you are.

Come on. What is my name?

My. Name. Is. Per-

And suddenly, I'm free. I gasp and I cry out in pain. But I can remember everything. Everything that I thought I had lost came back to me. Every lost memory. Every part of my identity. I sob harder into Annabeth's shoulder.

I start murmuring. I start chanting that phrase over and over again. Because I never want to forget. But that wasn't the only reason. The other reason was because I didn't want to be like him. I don't want to end up like him. I know it's selfish but I don't want it to happen to me. I feel terrified and alone when I have those attacks, and I honestly don't know how I would be able to manage if it was something I had to deal with constantly.

He has to live with constant fear that he will never remember anything. I almost lose my mind when I temporarily lose my memory for a couple of minutes. So I chant over and over.

Because I can't.

Because I don't want to.

I don't want to forget.

I am Grover.

I don't want to forget again.

My name is Grover.

I can't.

I can't keep doing this. I don't know if I can survive this. But if he can find a way to keep going, then so can I. If he can continue to get on with his life, with no memories, then I can at least try. Because that's all I can do for now. I can only hope and pray that Percy will be safe.

I can hold on for only so long.

My name is Grover Underwood and I share an empathy link with Percy Jackson. But it's slowly driving me insane.

AN - I honestly don't know where this came from. It was something that was on my mind and it wouldn't go away until I wrote it down. Basically, this is something I imagined might have happened at some point during the time Percy was missing. Just a small idea which created this. Anyway, please tell me if you liked it and leave a prompt or an idea in a review and I'll be sure to write it at some point. Until next time!