Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

Chapter XIX

'Doctor Haruno,' Kakashi said on a cool tone. Taking a deep breath, as if regretting the situation he found himself in, he then politely asked me to come with him.

'Why?' I blurt out. I can't seem to think straight with everything happening so fast. Zabuza keeps pulling me closer to him, almost as if he was trying to be affectionate. Shocked, I figure out these two seem to know each other. Though I'm utterly confused, I can't figure out if I want to confront them at this very moment or not. I look up at Zabuza for answers but his face stays indifferent. Although I can see him trying to suppress a devious smirk. I feel chills run down my spine.

'I'm afraid I have some bad news,' Kakashi then started.

I frown, pretending to not know what he was about to say while hoping deeply that he wasn't going to confirm what Zabuza had already told me. I prayed for it to be another lie from his deceiving mouth.

In the background I hear other doors open up and suddenly there seems to be a bit of a commotion in the hallway. Feeling panic overwhelm me, I take a step back only to end up resting in the arms of the assassin. I tried to keep my head cool and my heartbeat steady.

'What do you mean?' I ask though knowing the answer. I guess a part of me was still holding on to a little piece of fragile hope.

'A murder took place just a few minutes ago…' he answered on a low tone. He threw Zabuza a glare and I could catch out of the corner of my eye Zabuza had to resist the urge to tauntingly smirk back.

'Lord… Inui is the victim. My condolences, doctor Haruno.' He bowed his head at the mention of his name in honor while I couldn't seem to move a muscle.

I couldn't believe it. I just gaped at him and back to Zabuza, awaiting a few clear answers on what was going on. But neither reacted to me. Both were keen on continuing this little play. I swallow, wondering when this web of lies was going to let me go.

Realizing they were both in on it, I take a deep breath to stop myself from hyperventilating and letting the situation take complete control over me. When I finally gather the wits to move, I free myself from Zabuza's grip.

I don't move towards Kakashi either. I can hear some shouting in the hall. With a bewildered look I try to catch what is going on. Kakashi explains people are supposed to come in for questioning.

'We can do this discreet, Sakura,' he kindly said while being a bit more familiar by using my first name to speak to me. 'Nobody needs to know you were here.'

I quirk up an eyebrow in utter confusion. When I turn my head around to look at Zabuza for answers, he just gives me a reassuring nod.

I was his alibi.

I look back at Kakashi with questioning eyes but he firmly keeps his act going. Even when I look at the pile of clothes of which some of it is covered with blood, he ignores me. He knows.

'What is going on?' I ask in a whisper. 'I'm not coming unless I get some answers.'
'Go with him quietly, Sakura,' Zabuza cuts in. 'It's going to be alright.'

I snap my head at him. 'I'm not going anywhere,' I hiss. 'Start talking!'
'Quiet!' he hushed me, obviously afraid someone was going to hear me and their little play would be over.

But for me everything was over. Kakashi knew I had been with some heartless murder. Inui's killer. I felt sick when thinking that. The urge to vomit came over me and blackness came before my eyes but I managed to fight it off. Not now.

I instead turn around and let myself drop on the bed. Sitting in a state of shock, I stare out before me. I wonder if I had ever fooled anyone or if everyone had just ended up fooling me.

'Go with him to see Tsunade,' Zabuza said while placing a hand on my leg. I flinch at his touch and push his hand off my knee. He simply snickers at my reaction but relentlessly keeps up his act of personally caring about me.

Wondering why he'd behave this way, I end up looking at Kakashi only to see him nod in reaffirmation to Zabuza. Confirming my suspicion I take a sharp breath. These two are in on it together?

My rational mind reminds me of what Zabuza had just said minutes before Kakashi had barged into our room.

I bite my lip.

I don't have much of a choice.

Slowly getting off the bed, I await Kakashi's instructions. He tell me to wait for a moment, disappearing into the hallway to only come back a mere minute later. Zabuza informs him there is a window in the bathroom we can use to discreetly leave.

'You're a cleared,' Kakashi says monotonously when passing Zabuza.

'Of course I am,' he snickers.

I turn to give him one last look. He only smirks at me, seemingly delighted at all that was happening.

It was all going so fast I hardly had the time to comprehend what had just happened, the news of Inui still hadn't fully sunk in. We hurry through the streets that are swarming with black, green and other official uniforms. The village was in chaos yet we managed to discreetly maneuver ourselves to the Hokage's tower.

Irrationally I can't help but think for a moment I that he'd be him sitting at Tsunade's desk, waiting for me to explain myself. But this was about Inui's murder.

He's dead, I remind myself. Yet I can't give any emotional reaction. My mind wasn't certain. Everything felt so surreal. Even when we stood before Tsunade in her office.

My heart wanted to flutter and sink at the same time when seeing her fiery amber eyes.

She seemed so calm, collected and simply awaited for me to sit down before her. Hesitantly I looked her in the eye, feeling much like my younger-self again. This was the woman who taught me so much and for the moment I felt like I had put her teachings to shame.
I feel so small seeing myself in her oddly colored eyes. Today wasn't the first time I didn't recognize the person starring back at me.

Yet I had stubbornly kept going with my pursuit for… for what actually?

Some warmth? Acceptance? …Love?

All lies.

I bitterly swallow the truth, feeling something burn inside of me. Something that was violently consuming me.

Hate.

Tsunade stays quiet, lowering her eyes in thought before speaking up. My confidence crumbles and I'm left in shambles. Overwhelmed by shame, guilt and the unknown heading my way. A gasp escapes my mouth when she finally speaks up. The fierce reality pulls me out of my dwelling. I understand how unpredictable the situation is. For a small moment, my faith in her crumbles too and I dare to question her.

But my heart desperately holds on.

'You are hereby,' she pauses for a second, showing some distress. A frown was on her otherwise flawless face, aging her slightly. 'You are hereby no longer a suspect of the murder of councilor Inui.'

'Excuse me?'

'Witnesses saw you enter the hotel and your…' again she halted, uncertain on how to put it. 'Partner confirmed you were with him.'

'My partner?' I echo, feeling confused again. So this was some sort of conspiracy against Inui?

Not only did I feel low, I suddenly thought less of the world around me. I was disgusted at the display. To witness so much hypocrisy, betrayal and dishonesty was something I could hardly take for the moment. I wanted to scream, kick, hurt someone so they understood the pain inside. I felt frustrated and angry but I didn't move a muscle. I was numbed by shock.

Just passively sitting, waiting for the next act to start.

'I understand this a shock to you, Sakura—'Spare me,' I interrupt her. 'Spare me the lies.'
'I know this must come as a shock and I genuinely wish you my condolences,' she monotonously continued.

'He is not my partner,' I tell her, hoping she'll believe me. Though I'm not certain on why I still want to convince her of my own truthfulness when looking at her stoic expression. She is no better than me I suppose.
'Do not worry about your… private meeting. We will be discreet.'

'Yes, please,' I harshly answer, feeling my temper get the best of me. Taking short deep breaths to stop myself from jumping out of my skin, I give her a harsh glare. I can see her flinch for a moment.

I had reach out to her! It didn't have to go this way. Why did she do this?

I feel a tear prickle when realizing I had seen Inui for the last time this morning. A part of me was in denial. It wasn't possible. It couldn't be. I place my hand on my mouth, trying to stop myself from screaming it out.

'I would like to ask you a few more questions,' she continued, trying to keep her tone as cool as possible.

Protocol questions that she hardly dared asking me. Did he have any enemies? Who? Did I suspect anyone?

She knew the answers to those question and how she was capable of asking me, was something I couldn't quite understand. It was her. She had done it. She had ordered it.

I gave simple answers, noting that when I did give a snide remark it did not get written down in the report. Like a candle, I eventually burned up. Feeling bitter and well… beyond tired.
At this point, I was waiting for it to be over. Solemnly staring at the random strangers asking me personal questions. I wasn't even offended when they showed me disrespect. It didn't matter because I no longer desired it.

I didn't want their approval. I just wanted to leave this place.

Tsunade kept making eye-contact, never backing quite down even when a question got hard to ask. I didn't know why she did it. Maybe she thought I was still hiding something.

'That will be all,' Tsunade finally said. She excused herself that she wouldn't be present at next meeting. 'If you don't mind,' she calmly said, 'I'd like to be there for my student in her time of need. Losing a loved one isn't something you should go through alone.'

The investigation team gave her a bow out respect, politely stating that they no longer needed her assistance and that she could attend more important matters for now. A group of men that worked personally for the higher council gave a stiff nod of understanding but did what they were told.

I gaped at her, unbelieving of what she was saying. When the room was cleared it stayed ominously quiet between the two of us. I waited for her to react. Whatever it was she was planning on doing, I was ready. I couldn't get surprised anymore. I was done.

Instead of talking she got up from her desk. Somberly staring out of the window for a few minutes before turning around to look at me again. I remained unfazed, staying seated in the chair she asked me to sit on. Without saying a word she walked to me and looked me in the eyes before placing her arms around me. Pulling me in a tight embrace that shook me. She mumbled something inaudible at first. Or maybe it was my heartbeat deafening me.

'I'm so, so sorry, Sakura,' she said between sobs. I placed my arms around her and answered her embrace, holding her as tight as I could.

Suddenly a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I could finally react. I found emotion inside of me again. I started to cry.

'I want you to know,' Tsunade started, finally speaking up after a long silence. 'I never wanted it to get to this point.'
I have to swallow when feeling the burning ache inside my heart. I still felt torn between loving and hating Inui at the same time. I knew her so well, I knew she didn't want to do this.

'He had it all so well-planned and for a while,' she let out a tired sigh and let her shoulders hang in defeat, 'I thought everything was going to work out. That he had idea's that were beyond this era and would perhaps elevate us somewhere new. You seemed happy—'you should've told me,' I interrupt.

I take her hand and give it a light squeeze. At first she looks at me in surprise before narrowing her eyes at me.

'You should've told me too, Sakura,' she started using her usual strict tone. 'Why did you not tell me about Zabuza?'
'What was there to tell?' I asked her.
She shrugged in response while letting out an aggravated growl. We fell silent again. The both of us staring out the window.

'I guess nothing,' she eventually admitted. 'But you should've told me anyway.'

'Did you know it was Inui?' I ask. 'From the beginning?'
'No,' she shook her head. 'I had a hunch, though. Some things didn't add up and I always trusted Ibiki more than him… but I was in a tough position back then too.'

'I'm sorry,' I tell her again. I've said it so much I feel as if the words have lost their meaning. I wish I could do something to prove her their worth, to show her I meant it. 'I'm so sorry for everything.'

'We both got caught up.' I feel her hand go over my head, a loving gesture I had missed for so long.

'But,' she said, halting her move, 'why… why Zabuza?' she asked me again, unable to let it go.

I let out a deep sigh, uncertain where to start. So I just start at the beginning with some innocent boy asking me for help. Giving her the real version of what happened years ago. I stutter when admitting I got caught up in things I shouldn't have.

'I suppose I was… jealous. I craved for something much like what those two have. Someone who will follow you wherever you go… And then Inui came along and I guess I wanted to see him be that person for me. I wanted it so badly, I ended up fooling myself,' I tell her. The words explain a feeling I had carried with me for a while and now that I had said it out loud, it felt more genuine and acceptable. I felt relieved of it.

'Seems you are that person for him,' she noted. Her expression was a mix of sympathy, perplexed and finally being able to understand something she hadn't before. I quirk up an eyebrow at her remark. I wasn't quite sure how to take it, she had ordered to kill the man who seemingly did love me. She was contradicting herself…

'Please tell me everything,' I plead when realizing I was still only half in on certain subjects.

She takes a deep breath, mumbling she doesn't quite know where to start.
'Ibiki had always claimed it had been Zabuza Momochi. Though he admits a lot of it didn't add up. For instance when the assassination exactly took place. He and Zabuza we battling it out when the man throat was slit.'
'You knew about Haku?' I hesitantly asked.
'Just now,' she bluntly answered.
'Please, Tsunade! He is just a young boy—!' Halting me with a hand, she said whatever would be said now would never leave these walls. Besides, she coolly said, she knew all too well about Zabuza's ways. Going after Haku would be useless at this point.

'When we asked Kirigakure, they claimed he had turned himself in a year before and had atoned for his crimes and treason. We couldn't accuse them of being liars, since we didn't know it for certain ourselves. And starting a new war, wasn't on our list either. However when we earlier this week saw his name on the guestlist, we knew we had to seize our chance. Kakashi had been appointed to follow him around… However I didn't expect you to…' she halted for a moment. Her amber eyes look straight into mine.

'I don't know why myself,' I mumble while lowering my eyes in shame.

'Anyways,' she said starting on a firmer tone again. 'We approach him personally when we noticed he wasn't leaving his hotel-room much and Inui's men kept seeking him out. I figured something was off and with everything going on… I felt desperate to put an end to our crumbling nation.'

'You talked to Zabuza?' I ask in shock.

'Kakashi did,' she clarified. 'We, well I, offered Kirigakure some political favors. Something I'm capable given our current time of peace offerings. Kakashi approached Zabuza for the job but that didn't quite go as planned…'

Visibly swallowing, I could see her discomfort. Not sure what I was about to hear, I put a reassuring arm around her shoulder.

'He asked for more than a higher position…'

Confused at where she was going with this, I tried to stay calm. Yet I could feel my hands tremble, so I pushed my fingertips into her skin. Desperately holding on to her.

'He asked me for your hand in marriage.'

I freeze. My brain doesn't quite comprehend what she has just said. I let my arm drop from her shoulder and stare in bewilderment out before me. I couldn't think, so I just gaped at her. Hoping she would tell me what hell she was talking about.

'Like I said, seems you are that person for him.' Repeating what she had said earlier, I only know understood the meaning behind it and the him she had been referring to had not been Inui.

'He's lying,' I blurt out. 'Zabuza isn't like that.'

She nods in agreement, 'I'm aware. But I had my back against the wall and Kirigakure was happy to comply to his demand. Imagine not only having the Hokage's student but a strong political pawn to add to your nation. You've very loved and known all over the world. I can't deny Inui gave you something I personally always felt you deserved, recognition.'

Again I was torn by what she was saying. The part of Zabuza and Kirigakure still hadn't made its way to my brain yet. I felt immobile physically and mentally.

'You said yes?' I ask her when realizing she hadn't told me how she swiped his demand off the table. She got off her chair and kneeled down before me, as if begging me to forgive her for what she was about to say.

'Sakura, you have to understand… there is so much he did that you don't know of. Inui wasn't the man you made him out to be. You were right about that,' she stressed while grabbing hold of both of my hands. 'This wasn't easy for me and I didn't want to give in but I had no other choice.'

I simple stare out before me, letting the words wash over me.

'I also realize I have to accept the consequences of that decision. Knowing that once you abuse your power to get things done your way, it is the end of true leadership. So I will be retiring next week. That is the big announcement next week.'

I blankly stared at her, even when she was kneeling before me with pleading look in her eyes that begged me for forgiveness. My mind couldn't comprehend all the overwhelming information she was pouring onto me.

'I also realize you might think I've betrayed you but I haven't. I still have a few tricks up my sleeve.' She wanted to smirk at first but seemed to overthink the idea, aware that her current position in our relationship did not allow it.
I was listening though. It was breathing that I was barely still doing. I felt so faint.

'With everything that has just happened, I don't think it is a bad idea for you to leave for a while. I told Zabuza you couldn't just get married out of nowhere. You would first have to officially meet.'

I'm not quite certain where she is going with this but the coy look in her eyes told me she had figured it all out.

'But first, how do you truly feel about him?' she suddenly asks before revealing her true plans.

I take in a sharp breath. Struck by the sudden question. I feel uncomfortable. Not that I haven't ever told Tsunade private matters before but never things I was so ashamed of.

'I-I don't feel anything towards him…' I mutter. 'Not emotionally.'
'Are you certain?' she pressed. 'You took an awful lot of risks for him.'
'I did that for Haku. Though I didn't think it would end up getting us in this position. Tsunade!' I try to hold back a sob, 'this job is everything for you! Why would you do this? We could've outsmarted Inui—'He had someone important on his side. I know it feels as if you are responsible but you are not. Besides, Kakashi will make a great Hokage,' she firmly answers.

I lightly squeeze into her hands, knowing she was putting up a strong facade to make me feel better. Yet whenever she revealed something, I felt a little bit more like foolish little puppet. I felt so insignificant in this world. As if I was losing my grip on reality.

'It is I who should be held responsible,' she then added. 'I made some bad decisions.'
'You did great,' I say while shaking my head at her deterring tone.
'So did you,' she said with a smile.

Giving her a warm grateful embrace in return, I hold on a little longer then I should. Feeling like a child again, I try to imagine ourselves someplace different. Where the gritty truth isn't awaiting us outside.

'So,' she says, sitting next to me. 'This Haku kid, he sounds real special.'
'He is,' I nod. 'Kind and smart but I feel like he is… carrying a lot of hurt inside of him. I don't know, I just care for him without being able to give a good explanation. I guess I just wanted to make his life a little easier.'
'I know how that feels,' she says nodding her while giving me a look that explained it was I who she was referring to. 'Sometimes you just connect.'
I nod in agreement, glad that I'm finally able to talk to the person who understands me.

'So,' I then start. 'I feel you still have a few tricks up your sleeve, Lady Hokage…' I start while trying to accept the idea of having to go to Kirigakure.
'Give me some time and you'll be back before you know it,' her tone was determined. 'Unless you don't want me to?'
'Why would not want to come back?' I ask, letting out a shallow snicker.
'Haku,' she shrugged while using a playful tone. 'Or Zabuza.'

I shake my head at the idea. I still didn't fully comprehend what had just happened and what was going to happen.

'You really think he only asked me… to get in a good position?' I ask her, the idea had still not settled into my mind. It didn't fit. It didn't make sense to me.

'I don't know. Why don't you figure that out when you are there?'

I solemnly nod while knowing the undertone she meant was unlikely to be true. Zabuza was not that type of man.

My heart, hands, feet. Everything feels heavy. I'm beyond tired and I have this ache inside of me that makes me want to scream out in pain…

'I feel so… emotionless. Cold. I'm so afraid, Tsunade,' I whisper to her. Her fiery amber eyes saddened when looking into my eyes.
'Grief,' she told me. 'That is what you must do or else you'll end up burning yourself with those other emotions lingering inside of you.'

It was all a blur. It was all black. Tears, pain, fear. I never seem to be able to hold on to one thing enough to fully experience the feeling. The agony of the days that had passed seemed unreal. I never thought a human could feel so much at once. I had cried. Screamed into my pillow. Evaded sleep.

Today had been his burial. I had managed to play my role out just fine, holding on to the grieving part of my heart. I was scaring myself at how well I could evoke a feeling. How easily I could forget the blonde woman standing by my side was responsible for his death.

Staring out of the window, I watch the rain pour on it. I've been sitting in this chair for a few hours now. Darkness was settling in but I couldn't find the need to move. I wasn't hungry. Tiredness was a steady feeling in my body but sleep never relieved me of it.

I stare down at the black dress I'm wearing. My hands aimlessly lying in my lap.

I see blood on them.

Shaking my head at the illusion, I mutter to myself it's not real.

It isn't the first time I imagine I'm seeing blood on my hands. With a sigh I get up and walk to the bathroom. I'm thirsty.

I wasn't at home. I was in some hotel-room. Everything felt foreign and the pressing question of what I was still doing here lingered in the air constantly. I stare at hollow green eyes in the mirror and question myself again. Unable to stop myself, I cry again. Crumbling.

Falling apart on the cold floor.

What type of person am I? I am never truly sincere. Not even in my own mind.

I felt betrayed by the man. A horrible feeling to endure. Yet… Why am I grieving for a man that never had my love? Why did I miss him so?

Hours before his dead I had slept with the man that would have his blood on his hands. And I was going to meet this man again and look him in the eyes.

I hated myself so much. I am disgusting.

And even now, I even dared to wallow in my own self-pity, reminiscing that this all had started with a simple human need. Recognition, trust, love. A bond I had yearned for so badly. Something I was still yearning for inside, more then ever.

Was I never going to get a grip on things again? Should I just run?

I try to stop myself from crying but I can't. Unable to hold in the suffering I scream. My entire body trembles and shivers. I can't stand the person I am today. I get up on my feet. Holding on to the aching heart inside, I take deep breaths. When I notice of the woman in the mirror I turn to look at her.

With a fist full of hate, I hit the mirror. When I finally seeing real blood on my hands, I feel at ease.

A short (or normal seize?) chapter full of emotional turmoil. Next chapter will be up soon!