Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Gravitation. This is purely for entertainment purposes.
A/N: Thanks for returning for another chapter. Please enjoy and feel free to leave any criticisms.
Watching his breath turn to white wisps in front of his face, Eiri stood in front Shuichi's apartment complex. Not knowing why he felt a sensation of nervousness, he slowly made his way to the front door of the building. 'Third floor,' he thought, looking over two elevators next to a set of stairs. Deciding to take the stairs, Eiri tried clearing his mind off all this nonsense. Shuichi wasn't special and Eiri didn't care about him in the slightest. So then why was his breath shallow and his stomach doing backflips in anticipation? The pounding of his racing heart was felt throughout his entire body as he reached the floor he needed. This was stupid to Eiri. He was here to pick up a coat he left behind and that was it. At least, that's what he was trying to convince himself of right now.
Approaching Shuichi's door, Eiri stopped and stared blankly ahead. He needed to gather some composure and not be such an idiot over something so trivial. While clearing his throat, Eiri's hand slowly came up and knocked at the door. It wasn't very long before the door swung open, Shuichi looking up at Eiri with a kind smile.
"Uh, hi," Eiri greeted quietly. He had seen thousands of smiles pointed in his direction from strangers, fans, and women he slept with but Eiri had never felt the warmth and sincerity he was picking up from Shuichi.
"Hello," Shu replied shyly. "Do you want to come in?" He asked, gesturing towards his living room.
Eiri responded with a nod and walked in after Shuichi stepped aside and led the way to the living room. Eiri removed his shoes and followed after Shu. The two stood silently, looking away from one another. Eiri didn't know what to say and he wasn't sure why he felt like he had to say anything other than asking for his jacket. Feelings were never Eiri's strong point and it irked him that he was dealing with useless emotions driving him to investigate a life he would never remember. It was easy for him to not miss those memories but it was proving a little difficult to keep ignoring Shuichi's existence.
Eiri's gaze finally found its way to Shuichi, admiring the small frame of the other man. Somebody he could envelope with his body was always something Eiri could appreciate. It felt as though it fed his need to be possessive with what he wanted. The feeling of domination gave him a sense of pride and Shuichi's body type fit so perfectly to that.
Shuichi looked up, noticing Eiri's eyes on him. A light shade of red graced Shuichi's cheeks, his face starting to feel a little warm from the sensation. Just the sight of Eiri made Shu's entire body wash over with tingles and goosebumps. He could remember so many times the two laid silently in bed together, Eiri holding Shu close to his body. He recalled the feeling of his face against the soft skin of Eiri's chest, and the warmth of the embrace that felt like Eiri would never let him go. Every time they laid like that Shuichi felt exactly what he was feeling now. It was like a rush of a adrenaline that made him feel like he could vomit and lift a car above his head at the same time.
"Would you like a drink or something?" Shu finally asked, feeling uncomfortable from the lingering silence.
Eyes fixated on Shuichi's face, Eiri ignored the question presented to him and took a couple slow steps towards the other man. Looking down at Shu with sad eyes, Eiri sighed and softly spoke, "I'm sorry."
Shuichi's brow furrowed in confusion. Eiri wasn't one to apologise, especially to Shu. Noting the look on Eiri's face, Shuichi gave a sad smile and shook his head. "There's nothing to be sorry about," he responded.
Thoughts raced through Eiri's mind, thinking back to Touma scooting scolding him for not thinking about Shuichi's feelings in all of this. He didn't want to acknowledge the fact that Touma was right, but after seeing Shuichi the night before he began to really take it into consideration. It wasn't like him to care about how anybody else was feeling even if he was the reason for their feelings. Something just drew him to Shuichi that he couldn't ignore. Despite his wishes to be left alone, a strong force pulled him to this other man and he couldn't deny it.
"Eiri?" Shu asked, snapping the blonde out of his thoughts. "Are you alright?"
"I'm fine," Eiri answered, his voice turning cold. Eiri asked himself why he was letting this get to him. This kid wasn't worth his time. He told himself that he didn't need this in his life. So what if Shuichi's life has changed and brought him pain? Eiri's life changed, too. He looked down to his hand that had been affected by the accident, trying to clench it into a fist but failing.
Shu looked down to the twitching hand and frowned. He wondered if Eiri was feeling pain at the moment. "It's okay, you know? To be angry at me. You can hate me too, if you want."
"I don't hate you," Eiri replied dryly. "I don't even know you." His eyes met Shuichi's as he adjusted his glasses. "You're completely insignificant in my life." Eiri felt as though he wasn't saying those words for Shu, but rather for himself.
The comment hit Shuichi hard, but he wasn't surprised to hear such things. He knew that he couldn't expect Eiri to just go back to loving him but he wanted to cling to the hope that it could happen. As Shuichi was about to speak he was cut off by the sound of a knock at his door. With a sigh Shuichi walked passed Eiri to the door and opened it.
There stood Tatsuha with his trademark shit-eating grin. "You saw him," he said as he invited himself in. "How was it?"
"Well," Shuichi mumbled as he looked back over to Eiri.
Tatsuha kicked his shoes off and looked up to his older brother standing in the living room with a look of horror on Eiri's face. Tatsuha's smug smile grew as he walked up to Eiri. "So… Errands?" He teased.
"Tatsuha," Eiri growled. "What the hell are you doing here?"
A chuckle came from Tatsuha as he gestured to Shu with his thumb. "Just checking up on my friend," he answered.
Eiri looked back and forth between his brother and Shuichi, wondering how he was going to convince Tatsuha that this was a meaningless visit. He knew telling his brother that he was simply here to get his jacket would never suffice. Tatsuha could lead any situation into sex and it was going to happen. Eiri wasn't ready for a barrage of teasing from Tatsuha and he'd say anything to avoid it.
"He forgot his jacket, that all," came the sad voice of Shuichi.
Tatsuha looked to Shuichi, examining his face closely. "He's not being a dick, is he?" He questioned as he glanced back over to Eiri.
A shake of the head came from Shu as he walked over to the couch, grabbing Eiri's jacket from it. "He was a little drunk and forgot it, that's all. I don't want to be rude but can you leave for now, Tatsuha? I just want the chance to say goodbye alone," he explained, looking down to the floor sheepishly.
Raising an eyebrow, Tatsuha folded his arms with a soft sigh. He looked to his brother and shook his head as a somewhat warning to the blonde. "Okay," he said slowly, looking back over to Shuichi. "You call me if you need anything," he told him.
Shuichi nodded with a small smile. "I will, thanks," he responded. Shu and Eiri watched as Tatsuha turned and slowly left the apartment after getting his shoes back on.
Motionless, Eiri was imagining all the different ways that this could come back to bite him in the ass. His brother wasn't the type to let anything slide and that was especially true when it came to Eiri. Tatsuha always took any opportunity he could to try and humiliate Eiri as much as he possibly could. With dread in his eyes he slowly looked over to Shuichi.
"What?" Shu asked after noticing the expression on Eiri's face.
"He's going to give me hell for this," Eiri answered. "Listen, don't talk to my brother about us. I get enough crap as it is I don't need this added on," Eiri ordered as he flopped down on the couch.
Angry, Shuichi tossed Eiri's coat at him, hitting him in the chest with it. "I'll talk to my friends about whatever I want," he snapped. "You can't just show up in my life and expect me not to tell people about it." Tears welled up in Shuichi's eyes as he took a seat next to Eiri on the couch. "I know you don't care, but I have feelings. Sometimes I need to talk about them."
Eiri sat quietly, listening to what Shu had to say. He took the jacket and dropped it to the floor, thinking once more about Touma. "I know," he muttered.
"If you know that then why are you trying to dictate what I do?" Shuichi asked while shooting a glare to Eiri.
After pondering the answer the the question for a bit Eiri sighed. "Because I'm self-centered. I don't care about the consequences you might face, only the ones I do," he responded in a delicate tone. Eiri looked over to Shuichi with gentle eyes. "I know you're hurting because of me. I'm sorry, Shuichi."
At the sound of his name being spoken by Eiri, Shuichi felt a sense of comfort. He sighed and looked away. "It's okay. It's not your fault." Shu believed deep down that all of this was completely his fault. He could have tried to do anything other than sitting on his ass watching his husband's impact against that car. Quite often Shu felt haunted by the imagery in his mind. Why? Why did he freeze up and let his life slip away from him?
"I really just should have died," Eiri mumbled as he gently pushed his glasses up his nose.
Shuichi quickly looked up to Eiri with a couple tears gliding down his cheeks. "Why would you say something like that?"
Looking to Shuichi with a blank expression, Eiri shrugged. "Don't you think you'd rather I not be here at all instead of me not remembering who you are?" He asked.
"Eiri, it doesn't matter if you lost your memories if you're still here. You dying would have been the worst possible outcome," Shu insisted. Starting at Eiri, Shuichi's eyes were glimmering behind tears that were building up. "I'm self-centered, too. I want you in this world even if you don't want to be."
A small smirk formed on Eiri's lips to Shuichi's comment. Slowly he reached his injured arm out and shakily brought his hand to Shu's face to wipe a tear away. It was nice to hear his existence was wanted from someone other than a family member. It was obvious to Eiri that Shuichi didn't have any obligation to love him; he just did. "Don't be such a crybaby," he said softly as his hand caressed Shuichi's cheek.
Shu could feel the trembling in Eiri's hand, knowing it was difficult for Eiri to have complete control and maneuverability. He placed his hand over Eiri's and slowly pulled it down from his face, and brought it to his lap to gently hold it. "I can't help but feel like I could have prevented all this."
"You think you could have stopped a car in it's tracks?" Eiri asked with an amused grin.
Thinking back on the day off Eiri's accident Shu recalled how many times he asked if Eiri was doing okay that morning. He should have seen the signs and just ordered to go alone. "You weren't doing okay before we left," he began to explain. "You should have stayed home. You told me it was his a headache and I believed it. I should have known better."
"So, what? Now you're going to think anyone with a headache is going to have something horrible happen to them?" Eiri mocked.
Shuichi looked down to the floor with shame and let go of Eiri's hand. He thought maybe he could open up just the smallest bit to Eiri about everything, but he should have known he'd be degraded for his feelings. After being married for a few years Eiri would still ridicule Shuichi for his emotions, but it didn't hurt as much when he knew he was still loved. Now that Eiri saw Shuichi just the same as any random person on the street it just felt cruel.
Irritated that Shuichi took away his hand and deprived him of contact, Eiri sharply exhaled out of his nose. "What? Did I upset you?" He asked while running his hand down Shu's thigh, stopping at the knee.
"N-no," Shu stuttered, watching the blonde's hand. "I just think I could have prevented all of this."
Scooting closer to Shuichi, Eiri's hand slowly traveled back up his thigh. "You don't have to blame yourself," he commented quietly as he watched his own hand traveling Shuichi's leg.
"If you say so," Shu muttered in response. He didn't understand what Eiri wanted from him. He acted like he couldn't care less about Shuichi's feelings, but was almost consoling him at the same time. Confusion was the last thing Shuichi needed right now but the feeling of Eiri touching him again was just too hard to resist. Looking back up to Eiri's face Shuichi found himself wishing that he could freeze time and live in this moment for just a while longer.
Noticing Shuichi beginning to stare, Eiri directed his gaze to the sad face before him. He couldn't help but think to himself that Tatsuha was right about Shuichi being cute. The sadness in the other man's eyes made Eiri feel inspired to fix the world around him despite how much he didn't want to care. There was that damn pulling feeling in Eiri's stomach again. It was like his body yearned to be closer to Shuichi, trying to draw him in. Slowly, Eiri moved his face in closer to Shu's, his hand giving a light squeeze on the vocalist's thigh. "I do say so," he said in a soft voice before leaning in further to capture Shuichi's lips in a gentle kiss. He pulled away too soon to Shuichi's dismay and took a deep breath, keeping his face close.
"Eiri," Shu whimpered. "What do you want?"
It was a good question that Eiri wasn't sure how to answer. He knew he wanted physical contact, but he didn't understand any feelings that came with that desire. Eiri wasn't sure why he cared that Shuichi cried in front of him or why he would tell him that he was sorry. The last thing Eiri wanted was to force himself to be with somebody he didn't love or even know, but he didn't feel forced by anything but his own emotions driving him to be here. "Well," he began while still trying to figure out what he wanted to say. "I want to get my dick wet," he put bluntly, his hand slowly sliding up from Shu's thigh to his waist. Pulling Shuichi closer, Eiri looked down to Shuichi's lips. "And I know you want me," he added.
Thoughts rang loud in Shuichi's head, telling him that he was only an object and that Eiri cared about nothing but getting laid. On the other hand would it really be so terrible to be used? He missed Eiri so much and he never thought he'd never get to feel him inside of him again. "Why don't you get pick up some chick? You've never had problems with that."
Eiri's eye twitched a little to the question. He didn't want to have to answer it, but sighed before doing so. "I don't want some chick. I want you."
Feeling like he was about to melt to those words, Shuichi tried to keep composure as he tried to scoot away from Eiri. He was only meet with Eiri's grip tightening and pulling him right back. Eiri's face hovered in front of Shuichi's, his honey eyes looking straight at him over his glasses which had slipped down his nose some. "Eiri," Shu started nervously, "If you just saw me randomly out on the street you wouldn't look twice at me. I don't know how but I convinced you into loving me," he said sadly. He sighed and leaned his head down on Eiri's shoulder. He looked down at Eiri's lap, tears starting to fall from his eyes. "I can't force you to feel anything for me, and having sex with you right now would just feel empty and depressing."
Eiri started to become frustrated, but did his best to stay calm and not be a prick. In a quick motion he put his hand under Shu's chin and brought his head back up. "I need you," he stated sincerely. "I don't know why, and I wish I didn't. I just do." Once more, Eiri claimed Shuichi's lips in a kiss. As their lips came together Eiri's arms coiled around Shu's waist and he pulled the other man into his lap. Submitting to the kiss, Shuichi's eyes drifted closed and his hands slithered up Eiri's chest.
Eiri broke away from the kiss and rested his forehead against Shuichi's. One of his hands slowly went under the bottom of Shu's shirt and trailed up his bare back. Shuichi shuddered to the light tickle and his eyes slowly opened to gaze upon what he viewed as a god sitting before him. It felt like heaven being told that he was needed and he could almost feel every lonely and miserable day fade away into the back of his memories. It was almost as though he felt like he could truly be himself again and not have to hide behind fake smiles for the rest of his life. Maybe he could stop feeling as though he was constantly haunted by losing the best thing in his life and actually get it back.
Eiri's finger lightly traced shapes on Shuichi's back as he wondered what the other was thinking. He jumped a little as the loud ring of Shuichi's phone went off. Shuichi sighed and pulled away from Eiri, looking stopping for where his phone was. "Ignore it," Eiri growled.
"I really shouldn't," Shuichi responded while getting up off of Eiri. He grabbed his phone from the table in front of the couch and looked down to the caller ID. "It's Touma," he announced.
"Ignore it," Eiri repeated.
Shuichi shook his head and sighed. "I can't ignore him. If I do he'll just show up."
Eiri grabbed his coat and stood up. "You're driving me crazy," he sneered. He put on his coat and shot Shuichi a glare before walking to the front door of the apartment. As he put this shoes on Shuichi answered his phone and walked up to Eiri. He placed his hand on the blonde's shoulder and Eiri looked back to him. He watched as Shu listened to Touma and mouthed the words, 'don't go'. Eiri scoffed and left Shu's apartment, slamming the door behind himself.
Grumblings came from Eiri as he angrily walked down the stairs to the lobby of the apartment complex. He felt like such a fool. One look into Shuichi's eyes and he could feel himself wishing for a miracle of getting back his memory. What if that damn brat was something meaningful to Eiri? Could it really be so wrong to want to love somebody who genuinely cared about him? Eiri didn't understand how Shuichi had this control over him and he didn't like it. There shouldn't be any reason for resonating feelings, right? They were gone and Eiri felt he should have been fine with that. But the second he saw Shuichi answer the door the night before he knew his life would change. As Eiri left the building he thought to himself that maybe he should just drink away his thoughts.
'I'm so tired. Tired of everyone telling me what choices I should be making. I feel shackled to everyone's expectations and I hate it. I don't need to listen to them, right? It's not like I'm a child who needs people over protecting me. Just leave me the fuck alone. This feels weird, almost wrong. What am I doing? Wait, isn't this what I wanted? How much did I drink? I just want to prove them wrong, maybe this is how. I wonder what he's doing right now. Is he thinking about me? Ugh… Why do I even care? Maybe I should focus more on what I'm doing? Fuck, not like it matters. I could fall asleep right now and it would probably go unnoticed… Because all they care about is my name. Not like him…'
Eiri's drunken ramblings in his mind came to a halt as he grunted and flopped over onto his bed.
"You're done?" Came the soft voice of a woman.
Picking his head up slightly to look over at the woman, Eiri gave her a blank stare. Her short messy brunette hair reminded him of Shuichi's haircut. Her dark red lips were smudged from her lipstick. "Yeah," he muttered. "You can sleep here if you want, just leave me alone," he demanded as he laid his head back down. Eiri listened as the woman shuffled around and laid down. He really just wished that she would just go away.
A few hours of restless sleep passed before Eiri slowly opened his eyes, taking in his surroundings . The woman from last night was still laying next to him and still sleeping. A cringe formed on Eiri's face as he stared at her, wondering why he bothered telling her that she could stay. Glancing over to an alarm clock on his night stand he sighed, knowing Touma would likely show up at any moment. Eiri carefully got out of bed and picked up his pants that had been thrown carelessly to the ground last night. He put his pants on as he hopped out of the bedroom.
Rubbing his head, Eiri kept his eyes down to the floor. They quickly darted up as he heard the snicker of his older sister. Not ready to start the day off with Mika lecturing him, Eiri ignored her as he walked past her sitting on the couch, making his way to the kitchen to brew some coffee.
"So, you finally cracked?" Mika called out to him.
Eiri scoffed as he pulled down coffee grounds from a cabinet. He continued to ignore his sister, really not wanting to discuss anything with her. Figuring she already heard everything Tatsuha had to say already, he had nothing to add.
"So what did you think?" Mika asked as she came up behind Eiri. "Did you like him?" The sound of Eiri's bedroom door creaking open caught her attention and an all knowing getting formed on her face. "Ooh, I guess you did, little brother?" She teased as she turned around to see what she assumed was Shuichi. Her face quickly shifted to a glare as she saw a woman standing before her, wearing nothing but one of Eiri's button up shirts.
"Oh, hello," the other woman said with a slightly confused tone.
Mika quickly spun around to look at her brother who was just nonchalantly making his coffee. "Eiri, that's not Shuichi," she growled.
"Why would you expect it to be?" Eiri responded with a sigh, pressing a couple buttons on his coffee maker. The sound of brewing filled the apartment while Mika contemplated the situation before her.
"Should I leave?" The woman asked nervously.
Without looking back at her, Mika quickly answered with, "yes, go."
The woman nodded and went back to Eiri's room to get dressed. After waiting for the woman to leave Mika let out a long sigh. "Eiri," she said softly.
As his coffee finished brewing, Eiri grabbed a mug from a cabinet and began to pour himself a cup. Continuing to ignore Mika, he walked passed her with his cup and made his way to his office. Taking a seat at his desk, the blonde set his coffee down on a black wicker coaster next to his glasses. To his dismay his sister followed close behind.
"So you didn't like Shuichi?" Mika instantly asked.
Eiri sighed. "Can you just go away?" He mumbled in response.
"Tell me what happened, Eiri," Mika requested as she walked up behind her brother. She placed a hand on his shoulder and gently rubbed her thumb against it.
Eiri jerked away from Mika and stood up angrily. He glared down at his sister, fighting the urge to dare let any water build up in his eyes. "He didn't want me, okay?" He yelled. He could feel himself failing as the tears began to well up in his eyes. "He's the only person who has looked at me with a sincere face these last few months, but he still rejected me," he explained as the tears began to slide down his cheeks. Eiri didn't really understand why he was upset. He didn't know why he felt like he needed Shuichi's affections, but he hated how it tortured him.
Mika looked at her brother with a sad gaze, thinking of anything she could possibly say to make Eiri stop crying. As much as her brothers drove her crazy she could never stand the sight of either of them in pain. She felt as though it was her duty as the eldest to keep any harm and sorrow away from them. Pulling Eiri into a hug which he willingly accepted, Mika said nothing while her brother quietly cried into her shoulder.
To be continued...
Thank you for reading.