Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation. This is purely for entertainment purposes.
A loud ringing noise echoed through Eiri's head, feeling like it was creating ripples in his brain. He laid in his bed on his back, looking up at his dull white ceiling through his glasses. Mika had left with her husband not too long ago after hours of sitting with Eiri and talking with him. Thinking back to all the things she said, Eiri wondered if she knew what she was talking about. She insisted that Shuichi cared for Eiri and loved him, but why would he reject Eiri's advances if that was really the case? Eiri pondered if maybe love was more than just sex which made him scoff. Eiri was never interested in having one person around all the time to annoy him. He always wanted at most a week of the same person's company before moving on to the next after an appropriate time of being alone. Pinpointing the reason he craved Shuichi's affections was proving to be a difficult task for the novelist. Why didn't his career path give him any insight to his situation? The realization that his writing only portrayed the superficial kind of love lonely people swooned over hit Eiri as he rolled over onto his side. He looked at the blank wall before him and sighed before slowly getting up.
Adjusting his glasses while walking to his office Eiri was cursing under his breath about Shuichi. After stumbling into his office he took a seat at his desk and turned his computer on. His gaze drifted down to a beat up pack of cigarettes lying on his desk. Hastily, he grabbed the pack and dug out a cigarette. He put it between his lips and grabbed a lighter sitting next to his ashtray. Lighting up, he looked back over to his computer screen and took a long drag. He pulled the cigarette from his mouth and held it between his index and middle finger as he placed one hand on his keyboard and the other on his mouse. He opened his working documents and scanned through the words in front of him. Without taking another drag from his cigarette he crushed it down into his ashtray and quickly began to type. The image of Shuichi's face was burned into Eiri's mind as his fingers danced across his keyboard, for once in his life putting his own feelings into words.
After about an hour had passed, Eiri was pulled away from his writing at the urge of needed nicotine. He grabbed a cigarette and lit it up as he began to scan over the words he had written. With a twitching eyebrow Eiri wondered to himself where this mind had went. "Garbage," he muttered around the cigarette resting in his lips. Eiri silently finished his cigarette while staring blankly at the bright computer screen. As he crushed his cigarette down into his ashtray he stood up and removed his glasses, tossing them to the desk.
With careful steps Eiri made his way to his living room. His body twinged with pain still occurring from his accident. He looked over to his table where a prescription bottle was. His gaze slowly went from the bottle of pills to a cane resting up against his couch. Most days started with a decision between the two for Eiri. He could handle one or the other, but using both made him feel weak. For the first month he was out of the hospital the daily choice was easy. He was taking his pain killers multiple times a day but despised the way they made him feel. Sure, it was nice to dull the pain or at least make him not care as much about the pain, but they made him more irritable than usual. Sounds would make his ears twitch, his skin felt itchy and dry, and his stomach never enjoyed it even if he made sure to take his medication with food. His brother in-law suggested yogurt but that was something Eiri could never get past the texture of. Staring at his cane, Eiri sighed knowing that today would be another day he was forced to feel pathetic. He begrudgingly walked over to the cane and took a hold of it with his weakened left hand. As he braced himself to begin walking he wondered to himself if he would ever feel whole again before quickly trying to banish those thoughts.
Shuichi's mind slowly drifted awake, though his eyes refused to open yet. Immediately, thoughts of Eiri began to plague his mind. He tried so hard to convince himself that a relationship with Eiri would never work again and that it was meaningless to even try. Shu could never find happiness with Eiri again and he had to try to forget and move on. Things would never be the same and he had to continuously remind himself that chapter of his life was over. Was it okay for him to simply accept that? Or was it something that everyone around him expected of him? Shu wished so badly that he could say to hell with anybody besides him and Eiri in the situation, but if push came to shove Seguchi and Mika would make sure that Shuichi did nothing to try and involve himself in Eiri's life. Shu honestly didn't know what Mika and Seguchi wanted for either of the men. He could only predict that Seguchi wanted a distance between the two.
Thoughts of depression and separation slowly mutated in Shu's mind to thoughts of being close to Eiri. He could remember exactly how soft Eiri's skin was, and where every little freckle was. The memory of Eiri's scent and the sound of his voice when he was being intimate with Shu was strong. The more Shuichi thought of Eiri's physical aspects he could feel his skin tingling. A wave of warmth washed though his body and he could feel his heart beating faster. Shuichi took a deep breath in through his nostrils and exhaled slowly out of his mouth in a poor attempt to try and calm himself down. He hated that he wanted what he couldn't and shouldn't have, but damn did he want to give into those desires more than anything.
The sound of a key entering his front door and slowly turning brought Shu back to reality. Knowing that Hiro was the only one with a spare key to his apartment he sighed and remembered he had engagements today. Shuichi dreaded the thought of getting out of bed and being apart of the world. It was hard for Shu, but he felt it was in his and Eiri's best interest to keep a distance and he didn't want to drag himself anywhere while trying to come to terms with that decision. As the sound of the front door opening and closing, Shu braced himself for the day ahead. Light footsteps made their way to Shu's bedroom and Shuichi could hear a quiet scoff coming from his friend.
"Get the hell up," came the annoyed voice of Hiroshi as he stood at the side of Shuichi's bed. Shu opened his eyes and looked up to his friend who was giving an irritated stare. Hiro slowly crossed his arms in front of his chest and let out an exaggerated sigh. "Come on," Hiro grunted as he turned his back to Shu and left the bedroom.
Shuichi blinked his eyes hard a few times in an attempt to stop them from burning. Letting out a small yawn he pushed himself up to a sitting position and looked down at the clothes he had worn last night on the ground next to his bed. He picked up his garments and gave them a light sniff before deciding they were fine enough to wear again. As he got out of bed and began to dress himself he could hear the mumbling voice of Hiroshi coming from the living room. He could hear a few select words and assumed he was talking to Suguru. Walking out of his bedroom he glanced up to Hiro who was talking on a cellphone. Shu waited quietly for his friend to finish his conversation, slowly swaying back and forth to simply give his brain something to concentrate on.
Hanging up and turning to Shuichi, Hiro shook his head slowly. "You know I'm not a taxi service, right? You should have been in an hour and a half ago," he lectured.
"I'm sorry," Shu responded in a gravelly voice. He cleared his throat to clear the phlegm and spoke again, "I just forgot is all."
Hiro put his left hand on his hip and eyed his friend up and down a couple of times before asking, "You alright?"
Shu nodded and gave a small smile. "Yeah, fine. Just feeling a little sick," he lied. Shu brushed some hair from his face and forced a small chuckle. "Let me just run a comb through this mop and I'll be ready to go."
"If you say so," Hiro said as he watched Shu shuffle his way to the bathroom.
Looking at himself in the mirror, Shuichi simply ran his fingers through the front of his hair a couple times and called it good. He didn't want to be bothered today. He didn't want to do anything except try to sleep as long as he possibly could to pass the time. He didn't want to put on smiles and talk to his co-workers. All he could do was think about yesterday. Part of him had wished he had given in to Eiri's desires but he just knew he couldn't bring himself to do it. Feeling as though Eiri just wanted to try to remember anything he could, Shuchi just couldn't help Eiri try to remember that way. As much as he wished he could do anything to help his husband remember him, Shuichi felt almost like he'd be taking advantage of the situation. Remembering that responsibilities fell on his shoulders, Shuichi took one last small glance at himself in the mirror before heading back to Hiro.
"You look exactly the same." Hiro commented as Shu came back.
Shuichi shook his head. "You just don't have an eye for detail, clearly," he retorted, trying his best to seem like his usual self. He didn't want to answer questions let alone hear them. After spending hours the previous night asking himself all the questions he needed to be asked he was exhausted and hurting from a lot of the answers he eventually gave himself.
"Again I find myself saying if you say so," Hiro chuckled. "Now let's get going, shall we?"
Nodding, Shuichi grabbed his coat from the coach, and his backpack from the floor in front of the couch. His gaze met with a small business card on the table that read the name of the man who had hit Eiri. Shu quickly tried to abolish any thoughts from Eiri and put his coat and backpack on. "Ready," he said with a small smile. The two left the apartment and left the building to Hiro's motorcycle.
"Do you really think that we all have the time to just sit around waiting on you all day?" Suguru growled as Shuichi and Hiro entered a small conference room. "Honestly, I don't care what's going on in your personal life. If you say you're going to work then I expect you to hold to that," Suguru added with a small glare directed at Shuichi.
"Now, now," Hiro began as he walked up to the small table and took a seat. "He's here now and that's all that matters, right?" the guitarist asked as he motioned for Shuichi to take a seat next to him.
Shuichi did as instructed while taking off his backpack and placing it on the floor next to him. He gave Suguru a nervous smile. "I'm really sorry, Fujisaki. I just overslept is all, but I actually got some decent rest. Wouldn't you call that a plus?" he asked with a shaky chuckle.
"The bags under your eyes would suggest otherwise," came Suguru's snarky response. "Nevermind that, let's see what you've been working on."
Shuichi resisted the urge to grimace at Suguru. It was easy to lie to Hiroshi. Even if Hiro didn't believe the lie he knew when Shuichi needed space from the truth. Suguru was nothing like that. He would constantly call Shuichi on his shit and while most of the time that was something Shuichi found admirable, he just couldn't handle it right now. Shu snapped himself out of it and reached down to grab his backpack. He placed it in his lap and quickly zipped it open and pulled out a notebook. He tossed his backpack back down to the floor and flipped through the book. After finding the page he wanted he placed the notebook on the table and gently slid it over to Suguru. After doing so, Shu stood up and shifted his weight back and forth. "While you read I'm going to the bathroom," he announced before turning and leaving.
Slowly walking through the hall, Shuichi rubbed his eyes and let out a quiet yawn. As he removed his hand from his face he looked up to see Seguchi and Mika speaking to each other in front of the elevator. Shu quickly tried to avert his gaze before being noticed, but he had been too late. Mika gave Shuichi a stern look as she kept herself from walking up to the boy and giving him an earful. Shuichi quickened his pace and made his way into the men's room and let out a breath of relief. Worrying that Eiri had discussed some of the things that had been going on between them he didn't want to face anyone from the family. As Shu walked up to the sink he looked at himself in the mirror. Instantly seeing the bags Suguru had spoken of, he let out a sigh.
"Time heals all wounds, right?" Shu asked out loud before turning on the facet and watching the water stream out. Cupping his hands, he let some of the cold water fill up before closing his eyes tightly and splashing his face. He let out a loud exhale and turned the faucet back off. Looking up into the mirror again, he watched as small water droplets slid down his face. His ears tingled to the sound of a flushing toilet filling the silent room followed by the metal clicking sound of a stall door unlocking. Shuichi kept his eyes on the mirror, waiting to see who would come out of the stall.
"You can't just rely on the passage of time to fix your pain," came a sullen voice as the door slowly creaked open. The gaze of Ryuichi met Shuichi's eyes in the reflection of the mirror.
Shuichi turned to look his idol in the face directly. "What do you mean by that?" he asked nervously.
"Shuichi," Ryu began, "If you just expect the problem and your feeling to dissipate all on their own you're going to allow yourself to suffer so much more than you should." Ryuichi came up next to Shuichi at the sink and began to wash his hands. "You can't run forever. It will all catch you in the end."
Shuichi watched as his friend turned the faucet off and vigorously shook any excess water from his hands. As long as he had known Ryuichi, be it the bubbly kid at heart, or the seriousness he could adorne on stage he had never heard such poignant words come from Ryu's mouth. "What do you mean?" He asked shakily.
Ryu shook his head and gave Shuichi the most non Ryuichi face Shu had even seen. There was a weird mix of anguish and hope in the vocalists face that was feeling like a mystery. "Shuichi… You need help," Ryu commented in a cautious tone.
Shuichi gave his friend a nervous smile with a dismissive wave of his had. "Oh, Ryu. I have help, my friends have been a really good support system for me. I think that I'd be lost without them," Shu explained as his gaze fell back down the the sink. He watched as beads of water slowly trickled their way down to the drain. A part of him wished he could be one of those tiny droplets being cast away and no longer needed.
"That's not the kind of help that I'm talking about and I think you know that," Ryu responded with a stern face. "Shuichi, you need to talk to a professional. You need to get off your chest the things you're too afraid to tell the people you care about. You want everybody to believe you're strong enough to suffer through this traumatic event."
Quickly looking back up at Ryu, Shuichi gave a small laugh. "I'm not the one who suffered a traumatic event, Eiri is," he answered while slowly drawing his eyes down to his own hands.
"No," came the gruff response. "You both are going through this. Having it happen to you is one thing all on its own, of course. But to watch the person you love, the person you want to grow old with be struck in the way he was… To have the blood on your hands and panicking. Will he live? Will he die? That on its own is terrifying. But to have him live and not remember your lives together?" Ryuichi took a long pause and put his hand on Shuichi's shoulder in a consoling way. "Time doesn't heal that wound. I don't know if anything ever will fully heal for you. But the first step to trying to feel better is getting help."
Shuichi looked back up to Ryu, his eyes glistening from moisture that threatened to form tears which would cover his cheeks. "I was always told therapy is for weak people who can't just put up with day to day life."
Ryuichi scoffed at the comment and gave Shuichi the most earnest look he could. "Real weakness, Shuichi… Is needing help and never being man enough to admit it. True strength comes from taking action and realizing you can't do this all on your own. I think the strongest thing a person can do is seek therapy for the things they want to better their life in."
Looking at the sincerity of his friends face and hearing such conviction in his words, the stigma of therapy slightly lessened in Shuichi's mind. "Ryuichi," Shu began before taking an uncomfortable pause to decide if he really felt like it was appropriate to ask this question, "Ryu, have you gone to therapy?"
Ryuichi's hand slowly slid down Shuichi's shoulder to his arm. He gave a light squeeze and nodded his head. "But I'm not embarrassed or ashamed. I got help. I got outside perspectives. I got a forum in which I could say anything I needed to and not feel judged or like I'm a horrible person for having some bad thoughts." Ryu used his grip on Shu's arm to pull him into a hug. "You are never alone, but you need help that we can't give you."
The feeling of Ryu's body against his own made Shuichi feel comforted in a way he hadn't felt in months. He never would have guessed that the person to really slap him in the face with reality would have been Ryuichi. All this time Shuichi made everything about Eiri. How Eiri was recovering, how Eiri felt towards the situation, how Eiri needed vengeance on the world for doing this to him. But not once outside of feeling lonely and missing Eiri did Shuichi realize how much this whole ordeal was really making him feel. He wrapped his arms tight around Ryuichi and his hands grasped at his shirt, clutching on for what felt like dear life. Maybe Ryu was right. Maybe all the negative slander he was raised to believe about therapy was all wrong and his family kept him from something that could have benefited him a few times in his life. Therapy. Just the word on its own rang through Shuichi's head like a smoke alarm you just couldn't get to stop beeping. After moments of enjoying the silent embrace, Shu finally spoke up, "Maybe you're right."
Ryuichi pulled away from the hug and gave his friend a sad smile. "The first time is the hardest. But I know you, Shuichi. You can power through anything if you are dedicated. And I think you're dedicated to living a life you deserve. I know Eiri is all you see in your world, but there used to be a time where music was all you saw. Channel it all into you music."
Shuichi jumped a little at the mention of music. "I really should get back to Hiro and Fujisaki, they're waiting on me."
With a nod Ryuichi pulled away from Shu and gave him a reassuring grin. "Go kick some ass, Shuichi."
Shuichi gave a weak smile with a thumbs up before exiting the bathroom. He quickly darted his eyes around to see if Mika was still around. To his relief both her and her husband weren't to be seen so he quickly made his way back to the conference room. He slowly creaked open the door and peered inside to see the expression on Suguru's face. All he could make from it was confusion and worry. He fully entered the room and closed the door behind him, awaiting the instant rejection from Suguru.
"What… What is this?" Suguru asked while holding up the notebook of Shuichi's writing.
Shuichi took a small inhale to boost his confidence before informing, "Those, Fujisaki, are my feelings put to paper."
Hiroshi looked between his two fellow bandmates before speaking up, "I like it. It's got heart."
"It's a plague!" Suguru yelled as he stood up, slamming his hands down on the table. "This isn't Bad Luck. This is plagued thoughts that you just want the rest of the world to see so they can pity you."
Shuichi shot a deep glare straight into Suguru's eyes. "Guess what, Fujisaki? I have always written what I feel. The last few years of my life have been bliss. It was so easy to write an inspiring love song when you had a love that made you feel overwhelming completeness. But now what do I have, Fujisaki?"
The keyboardist remained silent, not knowing how to handle Shuichi's outburst. Usually his outbursts were over such trivial things but Suguru couldn't deny that this was a life changing time for Shu.
"I have fucking nothing. It would have been one thing if on his own free will Eiri came to the conclusion that he didn't want to be with me anymore. But he never had those thoughts! We belonged to each other in our own messed up and maybe even dysfunctional way and that was taken from us." Shuichi welled with anger and the only impulse in his body was to become violent. Slamming his fist down as hard as he could on the conference table, Shuichi continued with his rant, "That goddamn Ken Amano took my life... Eiri's life away."
Hiroshi's eyebrows raised in intrigue to Shuichi's last statement. "You remember the guy's name?"
Shuichi quickly shot a nasty look to his best friend. "If it happened to you, wouldn't you remember the son of a bitch's name?"
Nervously raising his hands up in defense, Hiro gave Shuichi a kind smile. "I wouldn't know. I can't say I know what it feels like. I'm not judging you, Shuichi. I'm just wondering if maybe you're holding onto something that you can't bring yourself to say."
Shuichi let out a cackle as he put his head down in what felt like shame. "You're right, you're both right. I'm plagued with so many things that I am still holding onto." He looked back up to his bandmates, doing his best to maintain dry eyes. "I truly appreciate everything you two have done for me through all this hardship, I really do. But it's not enough."
At this point Hiroshi could feel himself becoming agitated. "So you're saying that even though we've been bending over backwards to do everything we can for you, we still aren't doing enough?" Hiro stood up abruptly and took a step towards Shuichi. "What do you want us to do now? Bathe you? Wipe your goddamn ass for you? What will please you lord Shuichi?" He asked with sarcastic anger in his voice.
Shuichi chuckled at his friend's questions. "It's nothing like that, Hiro. I've relied on you guys so much and like I said, I'm grateful. But it hasn't been the right kind of help. You guys have been functioning for me and what I need is to function for myself. Does that make sense?"
Fujisaki and Hiroshi remained silent for a few seconds, sharing a look with one another. After enough awkward silence filled the room, Hiroshi decided to speak up. "I think you should do what's best for you, Shuichi." Hiro's gaze fixed on Suguru, wondering what the keyboardist would say.
Suguru stood up and placed the notebook down in front of him on the table. "What are you going to call this mess?" He asked, referring to the song.
Thinking for a little while, Shuichi's lips formed into a satisfied smile. "I like what you had to say about it. It's a plague."
Both Suguru and Hiro raised an eyebrow to the suggestion but kept silent and asked no questions about it. Hiroshi in particular understood where his friend was coming from and knew that Shuichi needed this time to really let himself reflect what he was he was going through inside his mind. A sharp toned jingle came from Shuichi's pocket and he could feel the rhythmic vibration informing him that it was a call. He slowly reached down into his pocket and pulled out the phone. After reading Eiri's name on the caller ID he gave himself a private smile and put the phone back into his pocket.
A/N: Hope you enjoyed feel free to leave comments, suggestions, or critiques. Hop to see you next chapter.